Behavior at school - I got a call from another parent

[delphine]

So, I get a call at work today from the parent of a little boy in DS's class (first grade). Evidently yesterday my DS and this little boy were "wrestling" on the playground (which is paved) and the other little boy got hurt. I didn't get a note from the teacher and DS didn't mention it, so this was the first I have heard about this. Evidently, it was so severe that the mother felt like he might have had a concussion!

OK, so I have several issues:

1. I had no idea how to respond to this. We have had problems in the past with DS not being able to keep his hands to himself. He has never been aggressive and the other mother says she doesn't think he was being aggressive yesterday. They were playing together when this happened. But, I had NO idea what to say to her. It was like she expected me to tell her that I was going to beat the sh** out of him at home tonight.

2. I kind of doubt that it was as severe as she made it sound. I feel like I would have gotten a note from the teacher if the other boy had been hurt. Or, am I just trying to make excuses for DS?

3. Like I said earlier, we have had some behavior issues already. Mostly it seems to be that DS is not aware of his personal space. He tends to fling his arms around and is generally very active. This week, his teacher started a reinforcement tower for him. It lists out all of their activities and he gets either a check mark for good behavior, a line for so-so, and a frown for undesireable behavior. She then writes a note about why he got a frown. At home, we are having him earn TV and computer time. IF he doesn't get all check marks, he doesn't get eithr of those. BUT, yesterday, the teacher said she didnt' have time to do the chart. So, I have no record of his behavior yesterday.

So, I have 2 questions. How do I deal with the other parent? How do I stress to DS that something like this can't happen again?

Thanks!

[RufusBeans]

Do you have a good relationship with his teacher? can you call and ask her about it? It might be good to have another version of events before you talk to the mother and your son about it.

[delphine]

Thanks for the response. I actually have a call in to the teacher. I was hoping she would call me after classes let out at 2:20, but I haven't heard from her yet. We'll see what her take on it is.

[chfriend]

"Thanks so much for letting me know. I'm really glad you called. I'll telephone the teacher right now to see what can be done at school."

[CarrieMF]

How did the other parent get your work number?

I wouldn't do anything with the other parent until you've had time to talk with the teacher.

The teacher didn't have time to fill out his tower, okay fine but if she had time to tell you that she would have had time to tell you about this incident if it was as bad as this other parent says.

Find out what happened from the teacher & then tell the other parent you're sorry it happened, that you & the school are working on ds's behaviour.

I wouldn't say it won't happen again because you can't guarantee it. Since they were BOTH wresting on the pavement it very well could have been your son who got hurt.

[db1au]

I think if it had been as bad as the mother made it out to be, you would have gotten a call from someone at that school. Perhaps the mother is making a mountain out of a molehill. I would not talk about my child's behavior until I got another side of the story.

[delphine]

Originally Posted by CarrieMF

How did the other parent get your work number?

I wouldn't do anything with the other parent until you've had time to talk with the teacher.

We both work for state government and she looked it up.

The teacher didn't have time to fill out his tower, okay fine but if she had time to tell you that she would have had time to tell you about this incident if it was as bad as this other parent says.

Find out what happened from the teacher & then tell the other parent you're sorry it happened, that you & the school are working on ds's behaviour.

I talked to the teacher this afternoon. She did write a note on his tower today because the other mother had called the teacher as well. According to the teacher, she didn't see the incident. The other child was crying and came to her. She said the other child had fallen down on the playground and evidently my ds got on top of him. She asked ds to apologize, which he did and thought the issue was over. She said the other child was fine the rest of the day (he didn't complain that it was hurting and was acting normally) and that ds and the other child were playing together later.

I tend to think the other mother is slightly over-reacting. I think they were playing together and ds got a little too aggressive. I am not trying to take the blame away from him, but I do think it was playful and not mean.

Ugh, I hate feeling like the worst parent in the world. It seems like every other child in the class is very well behaved. DS never does anything really wrong and he's excelling academically, he just has a lot of energy.

[Tapioca]

You aren't the worst parent in the world. This parent, imo, is overreacting.

I wouldn't say anything to her since it's not clear that your DS did anything that bad. IMO, she shouldn't have called you either - that's way out of line. She should have left it with the teacher.

[CarrieMF]

With the teacher's side, the parent was way out of line. I wouldn't contact her about it, nor would I worry about it. It very well could have been an accidnet. They were wresting. If the other kid fell down & your ds got on him(which would not have caused the incident) your son most likely thought they were continuing their wrestling. He most likely hurt himself when he fell & it doesn't sounds like it was your son's fault he fell. I'd suspect that her son either told him he hurt himself, or she saw a bruise then asked him & she overreacted - especially if she knows your son has been having issues then she's looking for someone to blame when there is no blame to go around. If he really had a concussion he wouldn't have been fine the rest of the day, there would have been signs. My 6yo fell into a metal doorway last night pretty hard & hit her temple(bad place for concussions). she cried for 40minutes before I got her to stop by distracting her with christmas lights.lol

[supervee]

I'm not this other parent, but an "other parent" that did this in a similar situation.

(I got their home number from the school directory. We knew each other a little socially.)

This is the reason I called the other parents: I wanted to know if their perception of the rough playground was the same as mine. I wanted to know if their son was being hurt daily like mine was--was this an all-boys thing or just mine. I wanted to know if they had even heard of the incident that upset my son so much, and left him physically hurt.

I did not call for an apology. I did not call to accuse their son or to accuse them of being bad parents. I really did call for information, so we could adjust my son's environment. For privacy reasons (understood), the teacher didn't give us info about what discipline, etc. steps she had taken with this other kid. We did not receive a note from the teacher.

However, what I found out was that they did know what had happened, and that they didn't think it was a big deal. After I got off the phone with them, I was pretty peeved that they hadn't called to apologize given what they said that they knew. I dunno, if I found out my son had pummeled another kid on purpose or by accident, we'd all be apologizing and making sure to stop whatever the reason was behind it.

I did find out the information I needed, so it was useful for me to do it.

It doesn't sound like this was exactly the situation with your son, but I wanted to give you at least one other side of a similar story. Hope it is helpful.

[Tapioca]

Originally Posted by delphine

1. I had no idea how to respond to this.

So, I have 2 questions. How do I deal with the other parent? How do I stress to DS that something like this can't happen again?

Thanks!

to Supervee: did it ever occur to you, when you called the other parents, that you might be catching them unawares? It's not unusual for people to be defensive.

Imo, you shouldn't have done that. And inspite of your protestations, you ARE judging the other parents. I wonder if they picked that up in your tone.

[Tapioca]

Originally Posted by supervee

I did not call to accuse their son or to accuse them of being bad parents.

After I got off the phone with them, I was pretty peeved that they hadn't called to apologize given what they said that they knew. I dunno, if I found out my son had pummeled another kid on purpose or by accident, we'd all be apologizing and making sure to stop whatever the reason was behind it.

judgemental. You don't know what was going on, or what was done in the privacy of their home. With the best intentions in the world, it's not always easy to get your kid to change behaviour, and they may well have believed it was best to leave it up to the school to deal with the other parent and keep parental protectiveness and emotion out of it - like yours. But, if you haven't walked in those shoes, I guess you wouldn't understand. I guess you'd rather be self-righteous.

[supervee]

Tapioca, I take from your judgmental comments on my "judgmental" comment that you have a better idea of what should be done by the "other parent" when their child is repeatedly hurt and nothing is done by the school. What is it, please?

[supervee]

Sorry for the snark. I've had my coffee now.

Truly, I was just trying to share with the OP an other side's POV and convey that, even though I was upset after talking to the parents, my original reason for calling was not in ill will. Only the OP knows the tone of the other parent in her case, but it is possible that the other parent in that case also did not intend to accuse, but simply needed info for decision making about her son.

Let me know if any clarification is helpful. Otherwise, I'll bow out for now.

[delphine]

supervee,

It was actually very helpful to me to hear the "other" side of the story, if you will. I appreciated your candidness. (...and a little snark doesn't bother me). In this case, I was not aware of the situation until the other mother called me. I was at first shocked that something like that happened and the school didn't let me know, because that kind of behavior from my son is not acceptable.

And, I don't think the other mother meant it as ill will. I do know from past experience that she is very protective of her son (not a bad thing) and she worries a lot about him. I think, like you, she just wanted to discuss the situation. My concern was more that she made it sound very severe when, in fact, according to the teacher, the other boy did not have any marks on him and she felt like he was fine (which is why she didn't send a note home...believe me, I get a note if DS does anything inappropriate at all).

I do want to comment on your quote here:

However, what I found out was that they did know what had happened, and that they didn't think it was a big deal. After I got off the phone with them, I was pretty peeved that they hadn't called to apologize given what they said that they knew. I dunno, if I found out my son had pummeled another kid on purpose or by accident, we'd all be apologizing and making sure to stop whatever the reason was behind it.

If I HAD gotten a note about the incident that day, I am not sure that I would have called the other parents to apologize. Of course, it sounds like in your situation that this was an ongoing problem, so maybe that changes things a little. I am just curious as to when it would be appropriate to call another parent. I guess I tend to let things drop if I feel like the school is handling things.

OK, I know I am not making much sense, it just probably wouldn't have occurred to me to call the other parent, but I woulnd't want that to make me seem insensitive to the situation.

[delphine]

Originally Posted by Tapioca

to Supervee: did it ever occur to you, when you called the other parents, that you might be catching them unawares? It's not unusual for people to be defensive.

Imo, you shouldn't have done that. And inspite of your protestations, you ARE judging the other parents. I wonder if they picked that up in your tone.

Tapioca,

You bring up a good point. I think that emotions tend to run high when kids are involved. I have to admit I was feeling defensive on the phone because I was caught off guard and I had no idea that the situation had occurred. Now, if this were an on-going issue (and, even though we are working on behavior at school, this is the first incident that I know of with another child...ds's problem is daydreaming and not being able to sit still), I would want to talk to the parents.

[Tapioca]

They do run high which imo is why it's important that a 'neutral' third party like the teacher deals with the parents. On BOTH sides.

Anyway, yes, I agree with you. If this had been an on-going issue between your DS and the other child, then that's a different story.

Hi Supervee! been up all night with a vomiting kid over here. sorry for coming on so strong.

[grniys]

Delphine, I think the other parent's were out of line. If they wanted to speak with you personally they should have went through the teacher to set something up. At the very least, they should have called you at home rather than at work. They were way out of line to have phoned you at work over this.

It doesn't sound at all like you're trying to make excuses for your ds. Now that you've heard the teacher's side of the story, if the parent's call about it again I would suggest to them that if they have concerns over things happening at school you guys sit down with the teacher and have a parent/teacher/parent conference and get it sorted out.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents.

[daisymama12]

I can really understand why you felt defensive - you were taken off guard.

I, too, was the other parent, and I would do it again, because it resolved a tough situation.

The situation is different than the OP, but perhaps, the mother may have wanted to have everyone on board to improve the playground situation.

Our story, in a nutshell.
My ds's 2 closest school friends started being mean to him (long story, not "bullying" necessarily, but he was quite upset).
I phoned the parents, we're friendly with both families. And I went to see the teacher. The parents were surprised about the situation, and spoke to their sons. The teacher addressed the situation in class.
The next day, the situation was resolved - after weeks of me coaching my son on how to handle the situation, with no success.
As it turns out, everyone wanted the kids to have healthy relationships.
Best thing I could have done. Everyone was very supportive, and I was so appreciative of that.

[kathymuggle]

I have called other parents over incidents - often to hear their kids side of the story. I called teachers too - I just wanted to know what was going on so I could help figure out a resolution. Teachers often do not see what happenned - talking to other parents can help.

I suppose it is possible parents felt judged (although most seem grateful I called and wanted to discuss the issue - or at least know about it). I am not responsible for how other people feel - however - my concern is my children and I will call if I think it will help.

Of course, how one approaches another parent is crucial. It needs to be done in a "lets figure out what is going on" manner, as opposed to a "your kid did xyz!"


Kathy