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Have you ever had a crush on another man?

post #1 of 32
Thread Starter 
Okay, I am feeling like a terrible person/ wife/ mother: I have a HORRENDOUS crush on my friend's husband! It is so bad that I can hardly stand to be with them -- and yet I keep making excuses to get together. We are all part of a group that gets together every weekend, so I can't escape. His wife is away for a month - my husband is traveling - he & I keep getting together w our toddlers but I am feeling guilty even though NOTHING has happened.

I think about what I really want: I do NOT want to betray my marriage or his. Therefore I do not *really* want anything to happen. But I cannot get him off my mind and think about him constantly.

post #2 of 32
Personally, I would run, not walk, away. I would not spend any more time with him, period.
post #3 of 32
Stay away. I did have a crush on another married man about 2 years ago. The easiest way to get over it was to find faults. He was short, kinda cocky and drank too much, but boy was he fun! He could talk and convince anyone of anything easily, but that made it very easy for him to lie about anything too. He nad his wife ended up divorcing later that year, he was cheeting on her. Kind of a scum bag really.
post #4 of 32
I had a crush on a former coworker, I would fantasize listening to Dave Matthews "Say Goodbye/Lovers Tonight Friends Tomorrow" and knew it was very dangerous to do so. I left that job because I feared it would go too far, and now I can't even listen to that song, I feel so ashamed just for my feelings. I agree with the others, stay away, run, do not walk, danger ahead!!! :luck:
post #5 of 32
Tell someone in real life, someone who can appreciate his hawtness and give you a good giggle -- with built-in support and reinforcement against getting carried away.
post #6 of 32
If you honestly aren't going to let it go anywhere, let go of the guilt. Everyone gets inappropriate crushes once in a while, and it can be fun to fantasize. But keep it firmly in the realm of fantasy. If it's starting to feel more real to you than it should you need to stay away.
post #7 of 32
Kbl, you're in a dangerous situation. Unless someone puts a gun to your head, of course you can escape, so don't use that as an excuse! What is this weekend group for? How long are both your spouses going to be gone? If your feelings are truly that uncomfortable then don't go.

It's pretty simple, though. If you don't want to have an affair, then don't have an affair. Either get your head on straight or don't repeatedly put yourself in an awkward situation.

I chaperoned for my daughter's week long science camp, and I had a tremendous crush on our counselor (one counselor for every 10 kids). He was very good looking, funny, very well educated, more politically and philosophically in line with me than my husband is. He led us on educational hikes every day for 4 hours, so he was a fit outdoorsy, ecologically minded guy, which I really admire and aspire to. And he was really good with kids, obviously. And the thing that really got me was that after our class was over he was quitting to go to farm school in Idaho, with the ultimate goal of having a small, organic family farm.

I'm married and would never have an affair, so frankly I felt freer to have a crush on him, because I knew I wouldn't feel like I should try for him. I hope that makes sense. I didn't feel guilty about having a crush, I had that completely compartmentalized from reality. Plus he was almost 10 years younger than I, and I'm simply not his type. You know, married. And we were at camp for only six days. Then it was all over.

It hit me pretty hard. I hadn't had a crush on a guy that intense in a very long time. It got silly towards the end of the week, to the point where I could hardly speak directly to him, and couldn't look him in the eye. (Aw, shucks! )
post #8 of 32
I don't see any particular reason to get bent out of shape over crushes. I have them all the time. So does DH.

I just enjoy them for what they are -- crushes, passing fancies. I never actually tell the crush-person or do anything about them. Passing fancies are normal, and in time they do pass.

I do tell DH I'm suffering from a crush and he takes it in stride, yanks my chain good naturedly, and every once in a while, we share the same crush-person! That's always fun for mutual fantasies.

But the bottom line is -- I'm married to DH, not the passing fancies.

post #9 of 32
i would not get together with him anymore, unless your dh or his dw are there.
and yes, i have had this happen to me. twice. first time, i was married, he wasn't. he was my boss. i totally felt like i was falling in love with him and sensed he felt the same way, but neither of us did anything about it, as i was married.
second time, it was my BEST FRIEND'S dh. i was very happily married, with a little baby. they were not so happily married. they both spent a ton of time at my house and he looked at me like no man ever has. i did find myself fantasizing about him. i felt awful. i never would have done anything with him because i was married, and even if i wasnt married, he was, and to my best friend. i loved my friend dearly but always felt like i was a shitty friend to her because of having such a crush on her dh. but i couldnt help it! i could help my behavior, and this is why i tried never to be alone with him.
post #10 of 32
Thread Starter 
Thanks Mamas! This all seems really helpful. 1) Look yourself in the mirror, announce that you do not want to cheat on your husband, and then DON'T; 2) Stay out of potentially dangerous situations (get together w everyone, but not alone); 3) If you are certain it is just fantasy, give up the guilt and enjoy the fun of it, realizing it's a passing fancy and it will pass. 4) NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING is worth the sanctity of my marriage and my sweet little family.
post #11 of 32
kbl - no, you are certainly not a horrible person!

I think this is pretty normal. Although of course, everyone is different.

Currently, oy...I have a crush. Am married too. But that's just it. A crush. I have noticed when things are not so good with DH, this tends to happen more frequently. When we are good, not at all.

Anyways just my perspective.
post #12 of 32
Originally Posted by Mrsboyko View Post
The easiest way to get over it was to find faults.
Also remind yourself od how good you have it now. Sometimes the grass looks greener when it isn't.

Originally Posted by songbird45 View Post
If you honestly aren't going to let it go anywhere, let go of the guilt. Everyone gets inappropriate crushes once in a while, and it can be fun to fantasize. But keep it firmly in the realm of fantasy. If it's starting to feel more real to you than it should you need to stay away.
: This this this.
Every one does it. Everyone wonders what it would be like if your life had unfolded differently. Its fun, its a fantasy, and it will pass. You are not in love with this guy. You're just crushing. don't let anyone tell you that you are 'bad' for thinking like this. Just don't act on it. Use your judgment to control your feelings!
post #13 of 32
Originally Posted by Mrsboyko View Post
Stay away. I did have a crush on another married man about 2 years ago.
I agree!

I went through this once and it nearly messed up my marriage (a little anyway). My DH never would have left me over it but he knew about it. He is very unjealous and even encouraged my natural feelings and I almost went too far with the flirting. It was a long time ago for me but I learned my lesson and real quick. I never would have cheated but I learned my lesson.
post #14 of 32
FWIW, I have had 'friends/neighbors' who have had crushes on my husband. It doesn't feel good to be betrayed by their lack of emotional self-control. And I know my husband and trust him implicitly but I see how they flirt with him even after he doesn't respond to it at all. They interpret his kindness for interest and eventually the friendship totally ends because MY husband gets pissed off that they are betraying me like that and assuming things that just aren't true so he encourages me to stay away from them or to be kind at a distance. He knows that I am very forgiving and want to assume the best of people and their histories and stories but there are certain things he won't put up with and when he sees people betraying my kindness, he gets very clear cut about it. As he should.

When I notice his friends attracted to me? I, again, assume the best of them knowing that people can't control their emotions some times but I am always very free to share with my husband if something makes me feel concerned. But I find men are more respectful than women or at least control themselves better.

We are very close in our confiding in each other. We have never had anything close to temptation occur because of it. We also try to kind and forgiving when people are just being people. But if someone shows record of ill-intent whether its flirting, or religious arrogance, or anything else..... We don't allow that into our home or marriage.

Hope this helps you in some way. This really doesn't happen a lot to us but when it has this is how we have responded.
post #15 of 32
I can remember the first time I had a crush on someone else-- a close friend of both my husband and I. Now, I got married when I was 19 and was planning my wedding as soon as I graduated high school. It definitely through me for a loop when I found myself crushing on someone else. I incorrectly assumed that when I got married I would never have feelings for any other man. Being so young, I wasn't quite sure what to do with my feelings, this came at a time in my life when crushes were a big deal and I thought were supposed to be followed with some sort of action. I had also only been married for a few months and found myself doubting the enormous decision I had just made. I guess it's true what people say-- the first year of marriage really was our hardest.
We came out of it okay though, I ended up telling my husband about my crush and the way I was feeling and the doubts I had in my head. Once I said it out loud to him, I realized how silly it all was. I am married to a man that I love and crushes will simply come and go. Now, we joke about our crushes and poke fun at each other when we have them. They certainly are not a big deal so long as we both know there is a limit.
post #16 of 32
I would say have fun, keep it within a friendship realm only, and enjoy the warm tingly happy feelings peacefully!
post #17 of 32
I fall in love every week. The trick is to bring that energy back to your own marriage bed.
post #18 of 32
I'm another vote for the run don't walk away. Focus your amorous feelings into your DH. Even if nothing happens, if anyone gets a hint of what is going on in your head it could cause irreparable damage to your friendship or marriage. Sorry, given that you like the man I know that "stay away" is not what you want to hear/do, but it is probably best.
post #19 of 32
I have tons of crushes.
Normal human behavior - but bring that energy back to your marital bed.
If you are feeling like it is too intense - imagine cleaning up his dirty laundry, him farting in bed, his hair in the shower drain....all the things that come with the reality of partnering with someone and you'll realize it's never worth it to partner with someone other than your own DH.
post #20 of 32
I've never had a crush on an actual other person since DH and I got married, but I have had crushes on actors and stuff. I tell him about it, and he thinks it is funny. I think the quickest way to diffuse the situation is to tell your DH. Then it seems less guilt-inducing, at least to me.
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