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Have you ever had a crush on another man? - Page 2

post #21 of 32
I'm 22, been married for a year and a half, and have an 8 month old. We are definitely still in the beginning period where it's really really hard. I've left DH twice, because he has proved to be very manipulative, sadistic, and immature in every way. I am mature for my age and usually make very responsible decisions, so in many ways I don't know how I could have possibly ended up in this mess. Both times I left him it was to maintain self-respect and self-esteem. I can't believe I put so much time and energy into saving myself and preparing myself for someone like that... yet I love him so much and would do anything to make it work. The only reason I am still with him is because he has finally realized he needs professional help, and he is making a noticeable effort to grow up and make things right. We're also starting marriage counseling in a few days. The problem is that I don't know if I want to give him another chance, because I have a major crush on someone who seems to be so much more compatible with me and way more mature. He was DH's best friend, they no longer talk but he is my best friend at this point. I'm closer to him in many ways, and have had the crush since the moment I first saw him... and I met him and my now-DH at the same time. There is a long twisted story about why I didn't end up with him in the first place... it's hard to focus on my marriage when so distracted by such an infatuation and all the what ifs. Lucky for me this crush lives on the other side of the country and I pretty much never see him, but he knows my feelings now and he has felt the same way since day 1 too. It was that instant chemistry and magnetism that made us each notice the other from across the room, and when my marriage is struggling (pretty much every day), all I want to do is leave DH for him. I never thought I'd have feelings for anyone after getting married, I guess I'm naive sometimes. Thinking about cutting out my friend (although this may literally kill me) for a while to focus on my marriage and see if it's going to work. And if it is, to get some time away from the rush of feelings to hopefully get ahold of my emotions. Does this sound smart? Any thoughts? I feel like a crazy whore or something... I don't want to hurt anyone but at this point it's inevitable - and either way I'm breaking my own heart. Well even if I am crazy, it does help to vent.
post #22 of 32
I've had a crush on the same guy for...oh, 12 years. I've been married for 9 years. Sigh. I know I am doing my marriage a huge disservice, and so I've tried to set my crush up with friends. That's helped diffuse it a bit, but I think it will always be there. I'm trying to limit contact at this point, but at one point it was so bad that I thought about him every night while falling asleep, everyday, driving my kids around. Ugh. For me, it wasn't even sexual. I am just so fond of the guy and he's always been just a little unattainable. Oh, that, and my dh is sometimes not so "d". And life is hard right now, financially and emotionally. I think that guy reminds me of a happier time in my life, when I was young and carefree. It's easy to say "run away", but when you have feelings like that you make excuses to be in contact with the other person. If I ever did leave dh (sometimes I think about it but never seriously. Usually just when I'm really angry at him), it's not like I would go running into my crush's arms. It seriously is JUST a friendship for all intents and purposes. I think maybe I'm just lonely and like that he "gets" me.
post #23 of 32
While I think it's totally normal to have crushes, it's important to realize that usually it's not as much about the other person as it really seems. Usually,it's us pining for the days when we had fewer responsibilities and more freedom. These other people are usually symbolic more than anything. Write your husband a love letter, and remember what made you fall in love with him.
post #24 of 32
Yep. And women, too.

I'm poly, so this isn't too big of a deal to me...but I say if it bothers you enough to feel guilty for whatever reason, talk to your partner. Everybody has crushes, maybe he can commiserate!

Hugs mami. All will be well.
post #25 of 32
Thread Starter 
Oh gosh, I started this thread, and now I find myself replying to others. But that's exactly what I want to say -- it's so amazing -- since I posted this, almost exactly a month ago, I feel totally differently now! My crushee's wife came back in town, I realized I did not like the way I was feeling re: being *totally* honest w my husband, and I just snapped out of it.

The point is that these things are temporary, they do pass.... you feel SO deep in them when you're in them, but then they go away. So you've got to think (kristin esp) of what long-term affect this is going to have on your family and your life.

Many of these posts helped me to realize this, esp the ones that recommend taking that energy and re-directing it toward your husband. In your case, Kristin, it sounds like you are displacing some of the energy and disappointment from your marriage onto this other guy. You've really got to figure out your marriage as its own issue, and let the other guy be a separate thing (ie, he is not the "solution" to your marriage issues).

I know, believe me, this is much easier to say than to do. What really helped me was a serious look in the mirror and reality check on what I want for my life. Look into the eyes of your husband and child and make good decisions.

good luck honey, I am rooting for you!
post #26 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by AlmightyIsis View Post
While I think it's totally normal to have crushes, it's important to realize that usually it's not as much about the other person as it really seems. Usually,it's us pining for the days when we had fewer responsibilities and more freedom. These other people are usually symbolic more than anything. Write your husband a love letter, and remember what made you fall in love with him.
This. I've felt that being honest with my dh about it not only helps to diffuse the crush, but makes me feel less guilty about having the feelings in the first place. Recently I developed and intense crush on a fictional character. (I'm ok if you laugh at this.) But I was honest with my dh that what I missed was the feeling of first love. We had a long discussion and he understood that what I wanted wasn't someone else, it was just to have those feelings again. Unfortunately, it's difficult to have those feelings about someone you know so well, as the "getting to know you" part is so much of what makes those feelings so intense. But talking about it helped so much and I no longer felt guilty for having such secret "bad" feelings.
post #27 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by astrophe27 View Post
I don't see any particular reason to get bent out of shape over crushes. I have them all the time. So does DH.

I just enjoy them for what they are -- crushes, passing fancies. I never actually tell the crush-person or do anything about them. Passing fancies are normal, and in time they do pass.

I do tell DH I'm suffering from a crush and he takes it in stride, yanks my chain good naturedly, and every once in a while, we share the same crush-person! That's always fun for mutual fantasies.

But the bottom line is -- I'm married to DH, not the passing fancies.

A.
Exactly. I tell my DH about my 'crushes', he will tease my and we have a good laugh. I don't ever intend on doing anything with a crush, they are simply someone whom I might find sexually, mentally or physically attractive, and normally for good reason (oh, that bartender's bum!). haha.

Anyways, we are human. It is NORMAL to feel feelings of desire towards other humans, no matter what type of relationship you are in. I would allow yourself to have these feelings, tell yourself they are normal, close your eyes at night and enjoy them while they last, and move on.

Now, since this person is someone closer in your life, than lets say a bartender, maybe keep some distance for a while, while you sort out some of these normal natural attractions. They can be a little powerful feeling sometimes, even though they are only a crush. Maybe try to make a new friend and be 'busy' with them for a while. Or, book a class for one of those weekend days.

As long as they are just a crush, I wouldn't stress.
post #28 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by cristina47454 View Post
I've had a crush on the same guy for...oh, 12 years. I've been married for 9 years. Sigh. I know I am doing my marriage a huge disservice, and so I've tried to set my crush up with friends. That's helped diffuse it a bit, but I think it will always be there. I'm trying to limit contact at this point, but at one point it was so bad that I thought about him every night while falling asleep, everyday, driving my kids around. Ugh. For me, it wasn't even sexual. I am just so fond of the guy and he's always been just a little unattainable. Oh, that, and my dh is sometimes not so "d". And life is hard right now, financially and emotionally. I think that guy reminds me of a happier time in my life, when I was young and carefree. It's easy to say "run away", but when you have feelings like that you make excuses to be in contact with the other person. If I ever did leave dh (sometimes I think about it but never seriously. Usually just when I'm really angry at him), it's not like I would go running into my crush's arms. It seriously is JUST a friendship for all intents and purposes. I think maybe I'm just lonely and like that he "gets" me.
i could have written this post! after a few days of acting stupid, i told my crush that i had a crush on him and he was like "oh, whatever" and that seemed to help.
post #29 of 32
I've been there as in a crush and as in an extramarital affair...

Those crushes for me indicate two things. One, I'm in the second trimester of a pregnancy. I had crushes on firemen and my obgyn so bad. Completely hormonal.

The other crushes happened when my dh and I had more of a hostile type of relationship and then affair happened. I got married real young and succumbed to the 7 year itch. Anyhow. I'm attracted to a dif. type of guy now than I was at 17.

I would take it like these ladies have said as a warning sign if it's more than just a fleeting thought of "oh that's attractive." Think about what it is about that person that attracts you and if that's something you need more of in your relationship.

Picturesque-I hope it's not the same fictional character I have a crush on currently. LOL. But I think it's safet to have a crush on a fictional character than your bestfriend's husband.

And GOD Forbid that your bestfriends husband reveals a crush on YOU! That happened to me. he would always talk about trying to give me a massage and dh was like oh, that's his trade. he's your friend...no biggie. Well, we moved out of town and he sent me erotica and invitations to get together. A very crummy position to be in. Because I did not want to be the one to tell my best friend since hs that her beloved was a cheater. (there were other women)
post #30 of 32

I'm not sure if anyone is still replying to/reading this... buuut

I just wanted to say that this post helped me IMMENSELY. Seriously, I have been on the verge of tears FOR WEEKS because I have a crush on someone other than my DH. The thing that makes it worse is that my husband is in Iraq right now, and I TOLD the guy [the crush, not my DH] that I liked him one stupid drunken night. Nothing has happened other than that and the guy even told me not to worry about it because I was drunk. [Believe me, I don't drink often, but that night I had a few friends from out of town, etc etc]. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you SO much, for this post. lol SERIOUSLY. I was thinking that I didn't love my husband anymore and I wasn't willing to give up on my marriage, etc. Now I realize that, [what I've come to think anyway] is that I just feel I'm missing something in my marriage and this guy just happened to be around [nothing even go serious with this guy, our conversations never got serious nothing, well except for the time I told him I liked him apparently haha]. Anyway, I realize now I just have to let this go as a crush, and I think I will tell my husband about it because of how scared I was that things were ending etc, and how ridiculous I feel about it now and how far I let it take me.
I just want to say thank you, again and again!!
Thank you so much!!

K Sheppard
[btw, this is my first time on this site I actually googled "married with a crush on another man" or something along those lines, and this is what popped up. I think I'll definitely be on this site a lot more now.]
Thank you all!!
post #31 of 32
Thread Starter 
I'm still reading! (I'm the original poster ; ) )

I'm so glad this helped you. It helped me too. Since your husband's in Iraq, give yourself LOTS of space to be lonely and confused, and forgive yourself. What you did sounds totally normal (and good that "nothing happened.")

If you haven't already, I would actually wait before you decide whether to tell your husband. Maybe the whole thing will pass (the feelings, and the guilt) and it is better left unsaid, esp since you never acted on it. I wouldn't add hypothetical problems to your marriage, esp since you two will have enough to deal with when he comes back. He could feel betrayed and hurt, needlessly.
post #32 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by kbl View Post
I'm still reading! (I'm the original poster ; ) )

I'm so glad this helped you. It helped me too. Since your husband's in Iraq, give yourself LOTS of space to be lonely and confused, and forgive yourself. What you did sounds totally normal (and good that "nothing happened.")

If you haven't already, I would actually wait before you decide whether to tell your husband. Maybe the whole thing will pass (the feelings, and the guilt) and it is better left unsaid, esp since you never acted on it. I wouldn't add hypothetical problems to your marriage, esp since you two will have enough to deal with when he comes back. He could feel betrayed and hurt, needlessly.
Thanks again, and yes, that's one thing that made me feel a lot better was the fact that is IS in Iraq, so HE was what I was "lacking in our marriage" haha. So, I really feel that's why I developed this "crush". hehe

And no, I haven't told him and I don't think I will because of the exact reasons you said. Nothing did happen so I don't really think I did anything wrong. And literally after I read this post, I pretty much stopped thinking about him. I actually took a deep breath and almost started crying because I realized I was making it into a WAAAAYY bigger deal than what it was. I was scared my marriage was over, etc. hehe I went a little crazy with it. But yeah, I'm not going to tell him, I don't think.
Thanks again!!

K Sheppard
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