I'm 22, been married for a year and a half, and have an 8 month old. We are definitely still in the beginning period where it's really really hard. I've left DH twice, because he has proved to be very manipulative, sadistic, and immature in every way. I am mature for my age and usually make very responsible decisions, so in many ways I don't know how I could have possibly ended up in this mess. Both times I left him it was to maintain self-respect and self-esteem. I can't believe I put so much time and energy into saving myself and preparing myself for someone like that... yet I love him so much and would do anything to make it work. The only reason I am still with him is because he has finally realized he needs professional help, and he is making a noticeable effort to grow up and make things right. We're also starting marriage counseling in a few days. The problem is that I don't know if I want to give him another chance, because I have a major crush on someone who seems to be so much more compatible with me and way more mature. He was DH's best friend, they no longer talk but he is my best friend at this point. I'm closer to him in many ways, and have had the crush since the moment I first saw him... and I met him and my now-DH at the same time. There is a long twisted story about why I didn't end up with him in the first place... it's hard to focus on my marriage when so distracted by such an infatuation and all the what ifs. Lucky for me this crush lives on the other side of the country and I pretty much never see him, but he knows my feelings now and he has felt the same way since day 1 too. It was that instant chemistry and magnetism that made us each notice the other from across the room, and when my marriage is struggling (pretty much every day), all I want to do is leave DH for him. I never thought I'd have feelings for anyone after getting married, I guess I'm naive sometimes. Thinking about cutting out my friend (although this may literally kill me) for a while to focus on my marriage and see if it's going to work. And if it is, to get some time away from the rush of feelings to hopefully get ahold of my emotions. Does this sound smart? Any thoughts? I feel like a crazy whore or something... I don't want to hurt anyone but at this point it's inevitable - and either way I'm breaking my own heart. Well even if I am crazy, it does help to vent.
post #21 of 32
12/13/08 at 11:08pm