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Light a Candle for TXGirl963 & Steve's Precious JoSuelynn - Page 4

post #61 of 99
thank you, everyone. I come back to this thread and read it over and over, just for the love- when I think I can't possibly stand anymore of this pain. sometimes it hurts to breathe, and sometimes it just hurts to live. My sweet precious JoSuelynn Jane was born sleeping, and my body aches to hold her again.

We closed JJ's funeral yesterday with a slideshow of the photos we had taken of her during that brief brief time I got to hold her, and played "goodnight moon" by Jack Ingram. Her daddy stayed after the service to have some final moments with her, and then he put the disc in her casket and closed it for the last time.

today we took her to a small cemetery in Fallon, Texas, and placed her to rest at the feet of my grandmother. She wore a onesie that her grandma bought her as soon we knew of her existence, a sweater and bootie set that my grandmother knitted about 25 years ago before she passed, a Winnie the pooh hat, and her daddy placed 2 Sonic scrunchies on her leg- Daddy is a Sonic franchisee owner, and my sister was wearing one of the scrunchies when she was born. We wrapped her in a baby blanket my grandmother had knitted way back when.

my heart is broken into a thousand pieces. I just don't know what to do now, and I mark time by how long its been since I last held her, or felt her move inside me. Everything just feels wrong- my body is weak and sick, I left the hospital sunday night and have since developed pneumonia, on top of the uterine infection. my heart aches, and my family and loved ones seem to be frightened that I'm not really interested in hanging in here in this world with them. My level of faith has been mediocre at best for years, and I'm having a hard time believing that there's a better place for JJ to be other than right here, in my arms, for me to love her and mother her. I had the hardest time at the funeral resisting the urge to scoop her up and run away with her little precious body.
She was so perfect- she had my hands and feet, and my hair- lots of curly black hair, and she had Steve's chin and ears, and his nose. When she was born, we only had 4 hours to hold her, and instead of letting the nurses take her away to bathe her and clean her up, Steve convinced them to bring him warm water and soap and towels and he bathed her right near me, and she never left the room. He was so tender with her, not a single person in the room had a dry eye. He has been my rock during this time, and whatever our differences have been in the past, they just didn't seem important anymore, compared to making the arrangements to lay our daughter at rest. When he hasn't been able to leave work, my sister Sue, and my mom, Jane, have been there, even just to hold my hand all those nights in the hospitals when I'd just start crying. My sister Joelynn drove down from Austin everyday to keep me company in the hospital while I sent the others on errands to get things done for me- I had them bring bags and bags of clothes to the hospital for me to decide what JJ should wear, and they brought me a computer and helped me find songs to play during her visitation, and also had to bring clothes for me to try on- I had no maternity clothes suitable for a funeral, and didn't know what would fit at this point.

JoSuelynn Jane Menefee McNealy was 8 pounds, 5.5 ounces, 21 and 3/4 inches, born sleeping at 10:15am on November 20, 2008. You are so loved and I thank you for changing my life, my darling only child.
post #62 of 99
Thank you for sharing the beautiful story of JoSuelynn Jane with us. It's a true honour. My heart is more tender now and will be forever just reading your words. Her little spirit has added more love into this house and will be paid forward. I'm really very sorry for your loss Mama. :
post #63 of 99
Sweet JoSuelynn Jane

My heart aches for you, and I am so very, very sorry. I wish I had words that might help to ease a bit of your pain. I'm praying for you.
post #64 of 99


I'm peeking in from the September DDC...

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little one, mama. I cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling.

Please know that the story of your daughter JoSuelynn Jane has left an impression on my heart that I won't soon forget. She was here, and she is important. Because of her, I will be holding my own little one a little closer. Thank you, and thank you JoSuelynn.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you over the coming days and weeks. I wish you peace.
post #65 of 99
I also followed over from the Birth Professional board. I am so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. I pray that you can find peace and courage in your heart.
post #66 of 99
Sending you wishes for peace and healing. Lots of us join you now in holding the precious memory of your daughter.
post #67 of 99

From JoSuelynn's father

JoSuelynn is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen with the exception of her mother. I wasn't as involved in the pregnancy as I should have been for a number of totally selfish and completely stupid reasons. I now regret that more than anyone knows; even TXgirl963.

I was in the labor room to support Martha, but the second JJ appeared, I became a FATHER. It really is a life changing experience. The L&D nurse, Mel told me she was going to take her away to make her "ready for us", then looked into my eyes and I guess she saw something that made her think twice. She asked what I needed and I told her to just take care of Martha while I took care of our daughter. I did what a father does: care for and protect his daughter while keeping her near her mother.

She was laid to rest today among SEVERAL generations of her relatives. The only better place would be between her mother and I on the bed, but I gues that isn't going to happen.

I want to thank all of you mothers and mothers-to-be for your support of Martha during this incredibly trying time. She is going to need to lean on all of you as well as leaning on me.

Thanks for listening to my exhausted, emotionally spent rambling.

TXGirl963, I love and cherish you.

Farewell,
Steve
post #68 of 99
Thread Starter 
My heart has broken open for both of you Martha and Steve. Thank you so much for sharing JJ's story and such raw emotions with us. What a wonderful dad to take care of his daughter in the midst of such intense sorrow. I hope you begin to heal and fight off these physical afflictions. So much for you to cope with while also having to grieve.

There is a whole forum filled with way too many mom just for those who have lost their baby. I know they would welcome you with open arms should you think comfort might be found there.

JoSuelynn sounds like such a beautiful baby. All of you are in my prayers.
post #69 of 99
My heart is broken for you, Martha and Steve... My thoughts and prayers are with you.

: Sweet JoSuelynn, you will be missed.... :
post #70 of 99
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. I know it's going to be difficult, but please don't be too hard on yourselves. And don't be afraid to ask for help whenever you need it no matter what it is.

beautiful, perfect JoSuelynn Jane
post #71 of 99
I echo the sentiments of these other women. May peace slip upon you.
post #72 of 99
Martha and Steve - Thank you both for sharing your story with us. I'm glad you both had the chance to care for your beautiful baby girl after her birth. I'm thankful that your families are being supportive for you. My heart and prayers are with you all. I'm so sorry that the pain of your loss is compounded by your physical illnesses. Sending healing thoughts and prayers for your heart, mind and body.
post #73 of 99
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I wish I had the right words to say, but I don't. You will be in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that the two of you can find a way to heal. Thank you for sharing your story and your daughter's memory with us.
post #74 of 99
I am so sorry for your loss, Martha and Steve.
post #75 of 99
JoSuelynn

I am so very, very sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful baby. I was a member of this DDC until 14th October, when my world fell apart and my beautiful daughter Emma Faith was born sleeping. I relate to everything you say Martha - about marking time since you last her held your precious daughter. It's been 6 weeks now and the hurt has changed but is still so raw. Every now and again I am literally stopped short by the lack of baby in my arms.

I will say that the loss board here at Mothering has truly been a Godsend for me. Sadly, there are several of us dealing with the most awful grief a mother can experience. Nonetheless there is an enormous amount of love and support to be had there. We would be honoured to support you, if you wanted it. Please feel free to PM me too if you want to talk ... I know its very early days and you won't know what you want but anytime ...

I'm so sorry mama that you and your dp didn't get to bring your daughter home, except in your hearts where she will nestle forever.
post #76 of 99
I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I wish I had better words. Sending you healing love.
post #77 of 99
Martha and Steve, my heart is breaking for you both.
post #78 of 99
I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter, I can't imagine what you're going through. My thoughts are with you.
post #79 of 99
Martha and Steve, I am so sorry for the loss of your perfect, precious daughter. She sounds like a real beauty, and I know she will be missed.
post #80 of 99
I'm so sorry Martha and Steve
sweet JoSuelynn
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