How to help my 3-year old: anxiety over other kids & personal space

[beachbaby]

Hi, mamas. I need suggestions on how to my help my just-turned 3 year old cope with other kids invading her personal space. She's always been sensitive/high-needs and this behavior is not really new (probably first surfaced a year ago), but she's becoming more and more distressed and is now able to verbally express her angst more.

It's mostly when other toddlers/babies try to touch her or get too close to "her" things. She had an issue about a year ago with a particularly grabby toddler friend at playdates that seemed to spark this. Now, if a baby or toddler comes anywhere near her, she shrieks, yells "Nooo!", and sometimes hits. She is constantly anxious in the presence of other little ones (although she does ok with older kids who can engage her in play and don't try to touch her or grab from her) saying "I don't want the baby to touch me" or "why does X grab my toys?". We talk a lot about why and what she can do or say if it happens and try not to set up situations where this will happen. She does great in storytime and other structured environments where kids stay with their parents and don't interact with her. But, there are times when we have to be around kids in a free-play situation & it's exhausting for both of us and I don't know how to help her through this anxiety.

We hope to start at a Montessori school next year (when she's nearly 4), but I'm really concerned about her anxiety around other children. We went for a tour of the school last weekend, and she did great with the activities, loved the school itself, was even engaging the teachers a bit, but when other kids came near her, she raged & cried. I keep telling myself she'll grow out of it, but I'm starting to wonder if it's not part of a bigger picture.

Anyone else experience this? Advice? Comisseration at least?

[XanaduMama]

:

[almama]

It sounds like you are a very sensitive and caring mama!!

School may be fine, or too much for her right now. She will be able to handle more kids in the future, so don't sweat it if it doesn't work out.

My 8 yo is anxious and if I had to do it all over again, I would start helping my child identify the signs of stress, so that they can recognize when it is coming on, and helping them own their reaction, instead of blaming the swiping child, etc. I don't mean the swiping child is in the right or should not be addressed, but the anxiety and extreme reaction is your child's responsibility.

So, lots of "hmm, what is your body telling you right now. Are you comfortable and able to handle this? What is a good strategy if you feel like things are getting stressful?" (put in whatever language works best for her). Help her be a scientist and analyze the situations and recognize her strengths and needs.

What you don't want to do is to focus on the "wrong-ness" of the swiping child. In a weird way, it will feed her reactions, since she will feel justified in screaming or freaking out when something goes wrong. When she is calm, she will be able to handle it by telling the child, "please don't take my toys," or finding a teacher. When she is in a panic, she will react extremely. She needs to find a place of calm to handle situations, and that is a tough thing to do, but it will come.

Once she gets a little older and used to practicing, you may even ask one of the older kids to play and to help her react appropriately (e.g., have them take a doll and have her respond, "please give it back.")

[beachbaby]

Thank you, almama.

I think I really do need to help her identify the issue before it gets overwhelming and not to focus on the wrongness of the other child. She's very verbal and is deep in the 'why' stage, so she wants to know every detail of why these situations occur. But, like you said, it just tend to fuel the fire sometimes. Do you have any suggestions about how to de-escalate the situations in the moment? We do try to talk about it, but she can't come up with solutions on her own yet. I try to block other kids/babies, set up a separate space for her to color, let the other parents know that she needs her space, etc., but just the mere presence of the other kids causes her anxiety, so most of the time we just end up leaving.

Thanks again for your advice.

[WhaleinGaloshes]

almama's post is awesome! Thanks for posting it, I benefited from reading it as well.

My daughter is also 3, and she doesn't have quite the same thing going on as you describe in your little one, but she's been getting upset lately about things the other children are saying. There's one little girl in particular who likes to 'argue' and contradict (i.e. another child was telling me "I'm so big, I grew!" and the first little girl came running over to shout "No, you're NOT" and then they went back and forth about it), kind of a verbal equivalent of taking the toy. My DD has told me "LittleGirl was mad at me again today" and I imagine this is the kind of exchange that's gone on. Another child also challenged my DD on her use of a binky, telling her "only babies use that etc"...all of which are different from what you're describing but have in common the powerlessness we feel about things that other children do.

And I think that's what DD struggles with; it's the "but that's not what I wanted her to do" and/or "I can't do anything about what she's doing" and/or "I don't understand why she did that" etc.

So in case it helps, two little conversations seem to be helping my DD with this. First, we remind each other that really, we just can't do anything about what other people choose to do. People don't always do what we want, others make choices that we wish they hadn't, and all we can do is handle ourselves. Put into 3yo language, DD seems to accept this.

One of our favorite ways to discuss this is my version of Boundaries for Toddlers. One day I said to my DD Louisa "you know, I'm going to tell you something that you already know but sometimes it's easy to forget: Jeanna is Jeanna, and Louisa is Louisa." She loves this! She thinking it's funny, but it also really seems to help. We play around with it: "what Jeanna thinks is what Jeanna thinks and what Louisa thinks is what Louisa thinks;" "what Jeanna does is what Jeanna does and what Louisa does is what Louisa does."

So that's not a very direct solution to your problem but it seems to be subtly helping mine to deal with these interpersonal 3yo frustrations. I think in a way it empowers her not to need to react to the other child, which is what I hope to help her do as she grows. Own her own response and her own feeling etc. And I think so young they still need lots of help but I agree with almama that we can start them heading in the right direction to help them get there in the long run.

[Breeder]

When Ds1 was 2 and 3 he was exactly the same way.

I just kept him clear of smaller kids who were too "grabby" for his taste. Reminded him to always use his words. And lo and behold he started school at 4 and has been Mr. Popular-Friends-with-Everyone ever since. (his class is 3.5 to 6 yrs old).

IME it's a stage and they will grow out of it.

Almama is dead on here: "When she is calm, she will be able to handle it by telling the child, "please don't take my toys," or finding a teacher. When she is in a panic, she will react extremely. She needs to find a place of calm to handle situations, and that is a tough thing to do, but it will come."

We taught J to seperate himself from those who were making him angry and then to deal with it when he has calmed down... which he is very good at 90% of the time now

[almama]

Thanks for the love!

We have struggled a lot to reach this understand of our child, and wish so much we could go back and do it all over again. It is what it is though, and we are glad we understand it and work on it now.

Ruffian- I love the wording of "Jeanna is Jeanna, and Louisa is Louisa." We're saying a lot of that in 8 yo language now, basically that there are different people and reactions, and your reaction doesn't make you bad and neither does the other person's.

Beachbaby- I'm not sure why your 3 yo needs to be in these free play situations right now, but it sounds like it is not the best place for her at this time. She sounds stressed, you sound stressed, and probably the other people there are stressed a bit too. I was in a big mom's group when my son was young and it was really hard to bow out of these big groups because 1) I really wanted the social contact; and 2) I really wanted him to be able to handle it. I have no idea if that is your situation too, or if there are other reasons. I had to think hard about what he and I needed and see if the path I was choosing was best.

For me, increasing mom's night outs and increasing his one on one playdates was a better option. I wish I had the foreknowledge to talk to him about his fears and strategies for handling it. The strategies need to be something that your DD initiates though, and not something that you manage. I don't mean to throw her to the wolves, so to speak. I definitely did, and still do, try to limit my son's contact with kids and people who make him ultra nervous, but now it is clear that I need to give him the power to identify that fear and come up with appropriate solutions. Just trying to minimize them and create a comfortable place for him in my world, didn't really help him in the long-run.

Even though it seems to have nothing to do with anxiety, I highly recommend the book The Explosive Child (although I got way more from the DVD than the book at first). The strategy for handling a problem works for young kids, adults, explosive kids, whiny kids - you get the picture. Essentially, using an example you gave, you would ask: "You screamed when the baby came near you today. What is up with that?" It needs to be totally non-judgemental and open to any answer. Since she is 3, she may need some probing and help, but try to get her words out as much as possible. It may be that she hates being touched, it may be that she is afraid that she will hurt them, or she is afraid they will ruin her project. Who knows? Then repeat what she said back to her to make sure you got it. Then tell her your concerns. Then ask her for her concerns (again, helping at this age). Then together work on a solution. She may say: "Keep all babies away from me." Your answer should be, "Hmm, I see how that works for you, but it doesn't really work for me or any of the other moms there. Let's keep thinking."

It is an ongoing process and you may not reach it in the first, or the 100th conversation, but the idea is to help her identify the issue and work on solutions that meet everyone's needs.

So, if you can, I'd drop the playgroup and focus on improving skills. Maybe giving her code words to tell you when enough is enough and she needs to go home. Unless it is just a brief thing she needs to do to pull together, she should not be allowed to have so much alone time in a group setting. It gives her the message that she deserves privacy in public. She deserves peace and respect, but privacy is something we do when we are alone. She should be able to come to you and let you know when it is too much for her there though, and maybe that is the time to leave or go for a walk someplace else. Eventually give her skills to work on the situations (invite someone with a baby to your house and let her practice in a controlled environment). Basically, build her confidence and skills to handle all kinds of situations, whether you are there or not.

[beachbaby]

Originally Posted by ruffian

One of our favorite ways to discuss this is my version of Boundaries for Toddlers. One day I said to my DD Louisa "you know, I'm going to tell you something that you already know but sometimes it's easy to forget: Jeanna is Jeanna, and Louisa is Louisa." She loves this! She thinking it's funny, but it also really seems to help. We play around with it: "what Jeanna thinks is what Jeanna thinks and what Louisa thinks is what Louisa thinks;" "what Jeanna does is what Jeanna does and what Louisa does is what Louisa does."

Thanks for this, specifically. I think this will resonate with DD. We've used similar language in other situations, so it will be familiar to her & I think she will find humor in it, too.

Originally Posted by Breeder

IME it's a stage and they will grow out of it.

Breeder, I'm glad to know your son's anxiety has improved, especially in school.

Originally Posted by almama

Beachbaby- I'm not sure why your 3 yo needs to be in these free play situations right now, but it sounds like it is not the best place for her at this time. She sounds stressed, you sound stressed, and probably the other people there are stressed a bit too. I was in a big mom's group when my son was young and it was really hard to bow out of these big groups because 1) I really wanted the social contact; and 2) I really wanted him to be able to handle it. I have no idea if that is your situation too, or if there are other reasons. I had to think hard about what he and I needed and see if the path I was choosing was best.

It's a combination of the above. We have dropped playgroups already because the typical playgroup setup is just too stressful for both of us. One-on-one playdates can go either way depending on the nature of the other child. And we try to limit outings with others to active things like the zoo or park where grabiness and toys aren't an issue. But, like you said, sometimes I want the social time with other moms and I also foolishly think "Oh, this time will be different..." I also lead a babywearing group 1X per month and DD goes with me. A lot of the issues arise there. I think I need to consider handing off the group or finding childcare for DD during those times....It's clearly not working for either of us.

Originally Posted by almama

Even though it seems to have nothing to do with anxiety, I highly recommend the book The Explosive Child (although I got way more from the DVD than the book at first). The strategy for handling a problem works for young kids, adults, explosive kids, whiny kids - you get the picture. Essentially, using an example you gave, you would ask: "You screamed when the baby came near you today. What is up with that?" It needs to be totally non-judgemental and open to any answer. Since she is 3, she may need some probing and help, but try to get her words out as much as possible. It may be that she hates being touched, it may be that she is afraid that she will hurt them, or she is afraid they will ruin her project. Who knows? Then repeat what she said back to her to make sure you got it. Then tell her your concerns. Then ask her for her concerns (again, helping at this age). Then together work on a solution. She may say: "Keep all babies away from me." Your answer should be, "Hmm, I see how that works for you, but it doesn't really work for me or any of the other moms there. Let's keep thinking."

I've been meaning to check out this book. I read "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" a while back, too, but need to revisit it now that DD is older. It teaches the Emotion Coaching dialogue, which sounds like what you are describing. Which honestly, is very foreign and difficult for me.

Originally Posted by almama

So, if you can, I'd drop the playgroup and focus on improving skills. Maybe giving her code words to tell you when enough is enough and she needs to go home. Unless it is just a brief thing she needs to do to pull together, she should not be allowed to have so much alone time in a group setting. It gives her the message that she deserves privacy in public. She deserves peace and respect, but privacy is something we do when we are alone. She should be able to come to you and let you know when it is too much for her there though, and maybe that is the time to leave or go for a walk someplace else.

During our tour of the school, the teacher showed her an activity and then watched her as she did it. DD said "I want privacy" (meaning she wanted the teacher to leave and for me to do the activity with her). The teacher did leave, but later showed DD areas of the school where she could go when she needed privacy (a table with a zen rock garden; a hammock swing). I have taught her to ask for privacy rather than yell "Go away!", but I never considered that I was setting up the expectation of privacy in a public place...

Thanks, mamas. I need to re-read these posts and think more. I appreciate the insight.