Dh says homebirth is alot of work. - Page 3

[the_lissa]

Originally Posted by annanicole

Being the sole support of a woman in labor is extremely hard work. I look at labor differently then you. I don't look at labor as being excrutiatingly painful, I look at labor as a lot of very hard work. Watching someone work very very hard in front of you and not being able to do a thing to help them through is significantly harder then doing the work yourself. So yes when I put myself in my husbands shoes for labor, I'm very happy to be the one going through labor not the one being the support person.

I was a good friend's labour support at her home birth, and I completely disagree. Of course, I was doing things to help, and some of that was strenuous work, but it was a million times easier than actually going through labour.

[barefootpoetry]

Well, I just gotta say, as much as I loved giving birth, I would still take being a labor partner than the actual laborer any day. Hmmmm....rubbing someone's back, bringing her juice, and holding her hand versus pushing a human being out of my body. No contest there!

How hard it is to support someone in labor is entirely in that person's mind, IMO. If someone is anxious and can't deal with watching a woman give birth, of course it's going to be very hard for them. If someone knows what's going on and is confident and calm, I guarantee it'll be a thousand times easier. I doubt so many women would become doulas if it were such horrible, excruciating work.

[Hallielynn01]

Originally Posted by the_lissa

I was a good friend's labour support at her home birth, and I completely disagree. Of course, I was doing things to help, and some of that was strenuous work, but it was a million times easier than actually going through labour.

he he he, as a doula I second this! My labor with DD was rough, no doubt (I have high hopes for this one being amazing). And i've been to births equally rough, while I feel for the mom, having been in her shoes, its her journey and I'm glad to be on the supporting end While its can be exhausting, since so much energy is put towards the mother, it doesn't come close to actually doing the deed, IMO, at least the mom gets the prize at the end for all her hard work!

and the above poster is right, viewing birth from the doula seat is such an amazing thing, cause your so close to the process and the mother and father during it all. But not as emotionally invested, therefore, in most cases, fear does not creep in, making it often easier to help the mom and being that calm presence, that sometimes the dads and other folks at a birth, may have a hard time maintaining, especially towards the end when things can get a bit intense! Birth is so personal, for me, I can't imagine not doing it with a person completely devoted to making the experience the best it can be for myself and DH, I've had it with out, and it was a good birth, so having a doula for me can only make it better! We birth so differently than we used to, surrounded by women who would support us through the process, while the modern man may be able to handle and do well in birth, it was women who were most often as a mothers side I guess part of what drew me to doula work was the idea of bringing back that tradition of constant support, aside from the midwife, who also has the job of being the guardian of the process.

[Brown Lioness]

Originally Posted by LionTigerBear

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Another aspect of the doula issue-- I think some husbands might feel affronted by the idea of needing a doula. For instance, although I never used one, I suppose my dh might feel a little offended (at first) if I wanted one (even though he's pretty easygoing) but he sees taking care of me during labor as "his job", so if I wanted more help he might see it as a negative commentary on his ability to emotionally support me during labor. Just a thought. The idea of hiring a stranger to support you in the hardest moments of your life, when your husband is right there, seems a little odd to me up front as well-- although I can certainly see a time and a place for it, for sure. Also, if he sees birth as being sacred/private, it's understandable that he would want as few people there as possible.

Of course, your comfort trumps his preferences, but understanding where he might be coming from would make it easier for you both to talk it out.

THIS is my husband. Ive explained what a doula is for up and down and sideways, but he just sees doulas as an insult to his need to care for me. I doubt I can change his mind on this.

[peainthepod]

Would it help for him to speak to a man who has gone through a homebirth with a doula present? My DH and I used a doula and it made a world of difference for both of us. He was ambivalent before but is pro-doula now! Maybe he'd be willing to chat with your husband via email. PM me if you're interested.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by Brown Lioness

THIS is my husband. Ive explained what a doula is for up and down and sideways, but he just sees doulas as an insult to his need to care for me. I doubt I can change his mind on this.

I'd be saying "I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is not about you, it's about me, and what I, as the one birthing the baby, require." I wouldn't go without because my partner though something was unnecessary or a personal insult.

[langdonslady]

Is it usual to have a doula present at homebirths in your area? Not mine. I actually had a doula for mine but only because I had already hired and paid her before deciding on HBAC, and I could have gotten most of her payment back, but the difference was worth keeping her, and she took pics, and was really good at guiding DH and our 3 yo DD through the whole thing. See if other mw's "require" doulas. Seems a little odd to me, but most mw's I have met are willing to work with the woman's desires, not issue mandates.

It is "worth it" and I would hate to see a woman and baby miss out on the benefits of natural birth especially when she's reclaiming it after section, just out of fear of hassle. I remember life being so much more a hassle when I had to heal from major surgery while trying to breastfeed our first child, and all the packing and dressing and shuffling and carseat and newborn screaming all the way home, then pain with every movement when we got home with the newborn... by contrast, the homebirth was so easy and the only real hassle was checking off a list of basic supplies, many items of which we already had. I guess it helped that my mw found ways to use household things like slow cookers for various needs. But yes, because of the HBAC, DS's 1st birthday was such a deep and joyous, almost hallowed, day for me. With my 1st, I tried not to dwell on her actual "birth", and her newborn pics still make me sad, seeing her spread out on a table with oxygen mask and all, fresh from the operating table. It was so different, and so much better, this time, with the HBAC.

If you have a comfortable relationship with your mw, you should be able to talk to her and tell her you want something simpler, and see what on the list bothers you and/or DH, find out whether using a doula at a homebirth is usual in your area or if not, why she is different from other mw's in this area, and see whether she would be willing to be flexible. If she's super rigid, or if you aren't comfortable talking frankly to her, it sounds like you might do better interviewing another mw if there's still time, although I know in some places it's so hard to find a homebirth mw (esp for vbac) that beggars can't always be choosers.

Good luck, and I hope you have the best birth possible. Just remind your DH that there's no hassle of packing for and getting to and from a hospital, and no hassle of postoperative infection or hospital germs like RSV and MRSA placing your or your baby in danger, in exchange for a list of supplies... nitrile gloves and chux pads are not that expensive. Lastly, the birth is about the mother in a way that can never be true of a father, and if a woman goes through with unnecessary surgical birth and/or misses out on being able to experience natural birthing, because her hubby wasn't agreed on it, there is the risk of smoldering resentment that can be a big problem over the years. After all, it's you getting cut, not him. He may understand the analogy of how he would feel if you talked him into a vasectomy he didn't really want. Vasectomies are usually reversible, but it doesn't always work out, and the man's fertility and wholeness may end with that decision. How would he feel toward you if he got one against his better judgement because of your insistence, and then regretted it?

Oh, and my DH was glad to have the doula because he needed to leave a few times when I was making a lot of noise. He was so scared for me and had to get out of hearing and get a grip on himself. But I never heard of a mw requiring you to hire one.

[langdonslady]

Oh, and about his feeling insulted by it, I tend to respect his motives for that. Truthfully if I had planned the HBAC from the beginning I wouldn't have hired a doula, just because I figured that between the midwife and DH I was fine. And the doula wasn't "vital" but I liked her and she did help a lot with watching DD while DH stepped out for a breather, etc. If you really want a doula, that's different, but if you don't really want one, and he really doesn't want one, then I would address it to the mw and see what's up and whether she will be willing to flex.

Honestly, I got what I needed during labor, which was for everyone to keep quiet and out of my way once things got serious, and they did. It enabled me to "go within" which I couldn't have done with anyone talking or coaching or trying to reassure me. So if you don't want a doula, I say don't have one! And if your mw is adamant, try to find another mw maybe.
Best of luck to you and your hubby!

[barefootpoetry]

I did not have the support of my DH during my HBAC, and my doula was absolutely essential. She was my rock. Without her, I feel sure I would have transferred.

Either way, it sure can't hurt to have a doula there. The more helping hands the better IMO.

[Brown Lioness]

Originally Posted by peainthepod

Would it help for him to speak to a man who has gone through a homebirth with a doula present? My DH and I used a doula and it made a world of difference for both of us. He was ambivalent before but is pro-doula now! Maybe he'd be willing to chat with your husband via email. PM me if you're interested.

Oh most definitely! I would love to get other men to talk to him about doulas, but thas just so hard to find IRL, so yea, i think I will be PMing you about that, thanks!

I think it would probably help to hear from a doua-friendly midwife and a doula themselves about what they do and how they can help BOTH of us (which ive explained to him, but somehow, he doesnt believe me )

Originally Posted by Emmeline II

I'd be saying "I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is not about you, it's about me, and what I, as the one birthing the baby, require." I wouldn't go without because my partner though something was unnecessary or a personal insult.

This is very thin ice to tread, imo, because my husband is very devoted to taking care of me. The man almost became a nurse and was raised by an RN. All he knows is how to take care of someone. I can see how its hard for him to have the love of his life want someone else there as HIS backup to take care of them when he feels like HE should be my all in all.

I think telling him that it doesnt matter what you feel, ima do me would be very alienating to him. I just have to educate him more and more on what doulas do and their benefits to the mom, baby and father alike.

He is most definitely a husband that says "Its YOUR body, do what you need to do." so im blessed in that regard, but I also have to take thought to his role in all of this. IF after ive educated him to the hilt, he's talked to doulas, midwives and doula-friendly dads alike and have reiterated my stance on the matter and he was STILL not comfortable with it, then I would have to compromise with him and not have a doula there, but perhaps have a doula on standby for me, lol.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by Brown Lioness

This is very thin ice to tread, imo, because my husband is very devoted to taking care of me. The man almost became a nurse and was raised by an RN. All he knows is how to take care of someone. I can see how its hard for him to have the love of his life want someone else there as HIS backup to take care of them when he feels like HE should be my all in all.

I think telling him that it doesnt matter what you feel, ima do me would be very alienating to him. I just have to educate him more and more on what doulas do and their benefits to the mom, baby and father alike.

He is most definitely a husband that says "Its YOUR body, do what you need to do." so im blessed in that regard, but I also have to take thought to his role in all of this. IF after ive educated him to the hilt, he's talked to doulas, midwives and doula-friendly dads alike and have reiterated my stance on the matter and he was STILL not comfortable with it, then I would have to compromise with him and not have a doula there, but perhaps have a doula on standby for me, lol.

I didn't say tell him "it doesn't matter how you feel", but if you have exhausted all means of persuasion, and you still feel you need "X" it comes down to what you need for your birth.

Not having a doula, if you want one, is not a compromise. It is not that his feelings don't matter, you are trying help him understand the doula's role, but the birthing woman's feelings are paramount. I gave up on a home birth after my dh said "don't my feelings matter?"; fortunately he changed his mind at 38weeks or else we would have had problems as there is no way I would have gotten into a car in labor and he would have resented my "accidentally on purpose" having a home birth. It would have been better had I told him that I was not going to leave the house in labor based on his irrational fears (he admitted his feelings were irrational), and I had to do what was best for me in birth.

Somehow, a pregnant woman making a decision for her birth her partner doesn't agree with is labeled "uncompromising", but the partner insisting on a different decision is justified because "their feelings matter too"; this usually results in the birthing partner's needs being subordinated to the other partners "feelings".

[cottonwood]

Bottom line is that you need to do what makes you comfortable. It doesn't sound, though, like your dh is the only one uncomfortable with all the stuff you're feeling you need to do and get. Maybe he's picking up on that and mirroring it back to you?

I *do* think that people often make things more complicated than they have to be. I did. I took the classes, bought tons of baby paraphernalia, bought the giganto birth kit, had *three* birth attendants plus my husband... yeah, it was overkill. I was so annoyed, later, that all that stuff (that we spent so much money on) turned out to be superfluous. So I became a birth minimalist.

Also, I agree with MsBlack about the doula/assistant issue.