"Sorry if I don't want my grandchild to die" update post #29 - Page 3

[Arduinna]

I would look at this as the very first in a long line of probable disagreements on your parenting choices. Best to tow the line now and set the precedent that you are the mommy and you make the decisions in your family. Your mother needs to learn her place as grandmother. She gets to take lots of pictures, spoil the kid with toys and kisses. She doesn't make parenting decisions.

[alegna]

Your mother is being incredibly childish. Be the adult and don't play her game.

Lay down the law- Mom- I've done my research, it's not up for discussion. And answer EVERY comment about the topic in the same way.

mom- you think we're useless
you- Mom- I've done my research, it's not up for discussion.
mom- but it's SOOO dangerous!
you- Mom- I've done my research, it's not up for discussion.
mom- if you cared about your baby you wouldn't do this
you- Mom- I've done my research, it's not up for discussion.
mom- you can't afford it
you- Mom- I've done my research, it's not up for discussion.

etc.



-Angela

[MsBlack]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

I would look at this as the very first in a long line of probable disagreements on your parenting choices. Best to tow the line now and set the precedent that you are the mommy and you make the decisions in your family. Your mother needs to learn her place as grandmother. She gets to take lots of pictures, spoil the kid with toys and kisses. She doesn't make parenting decisions.

I totally agree with this, and the others who have suggested setting a boundary with your mom. You are about to become a parent, and there is no job in the world where one's ability to make considered, responsible decisions is so very important. Now, the buck stops with YOU and no one else. At this point in an adult child's life, it is time for a mother to graciously support her child's intelligence, strength and newly emerging wisdom--NOT try to force her own way. And for all adult children, there comes a time with a parent like her, to step away, to step out from under that dominance and go your own way for your own health, maturity, marriage, and for realizing your own potential in life.

You say, it almost seems easier just to give in, but here is what that says to me....gently, respectfully but frankly...that is another way of saying that maybe you are not sure you want the responsibility of making your own decisions. Maybe it is just easier to let a forceful personality like your mom make all the decisions....because in the end if things don't go the way you'd hoped, there she is, handy to blame. I think if you really want a homebirth, really feel it's safest and best for you, then you will let no one stand in your way.

Setting boundaries as others have discussed can be difficult for sure, but it does not have to be ugly or hateful. You can tell your mom that you respect her choices for her own life, that you know she cares about you, that you love her too--but it's just time for you to make your own choices now. You can use a calm tone and refuse to engage in a battle--this was actually the one thing that stopped the arguing between me and my own mom (which had gone on for years). I just said, repeating as necessary and even gently hanging up on her more than once: "mom, I really don't want to discuss this with you. It's really not up for debate". Gradually and grudgingly she learned that she just did not have permission to let er rip with me.

And while we never did have a good relationship, well--20yrs later, she was finally able to admit that my choices with birth and parenting were good ones!

[1littlebit]

please don't 'give in' to your mothers emotional blackmail. for two reasons the first one.. and most important is that your birth is not something you want to compromise on. for a healthy pregnancy a home birth with a midwife is the safest option. would you feel good about it if you went to the hospital and ended up with a slew of interventions culminating in a c section? i am not saying it will go like that... but its way more likely than if you have a home birth.

the second reason is because if you give in to this she's going to think you will give into all of her other advice b/c obviously she was right. and good lord that would get old.

i look at it like this whats more important? you feeling safe and comfortable with your birth or her getting job recognition during your birth?

[zoebird]

i'm definintely with the rest here.

in some form, most of us HBers have gone through this!

the truth is, you are the parent and you get to make the decision.

and ultimately, i told both my parents and ILs--"this isn't about you." everything we talked about wanting or doing for our family, my mother and/or mil took as a personal insult and asked "didn't you like the way you were raised?" and things like "do you really hate me that much?"

and finally, just telling them that it wasn't about them, but about our family and our choices for our family. . .and that they would have to deal with their own feelings of worth, their own fears, etc without my constant reassurance. . .

and they finally stopped.

[PTmorgan]

Arduinna said exactly what I wanted to say, but she did it more eloquently. I think this is about more that just a decision to homebirth - it is about boundaries, responsibilities, parenting decisions. I expect this will not be the last time she has a different opinion than you about parenting decisions.

It sounds like you are doing a lot of research, considering your options, being aware of your situation. Great job - keep it up!

Also, your mother does not have to agree with you. It is not your job to convince her that homebirth is the right thing. However, respect and support can be given in a situation where people have different opinions.

And, you can probably expect a rollercoaster of emotions from her (and you!) throughout this pregnancy. I see this from your examples of her emails. On a positive note, it sounds like she is still communicating, talking to you. This indicates to me her willingness to keep communication and the relationship open.

[rainashine]

Your fil and grandfather probably were trained and/or practiced in a ob climate that was at least a little more friendly to birthing women than the current medical model is today. There are reasons more and more women are turning from the medical model of birth.

[lynxeyedkat]

Just wanted to send out from another mama-to-be that's in the same situation. My mom is a NICU nurse and while she hasn't played the "your baby might die" card yet, I did get the silent treatment for three days last week after I told her DH and I decided we don't want her (and her negative energy) at our hb.

When my mom starts her speech, I typically refer to a few lines that have worked for me so far:

• I want you to be as comfortable as I can make you.
• DH and I are making the decision we feel is best for our family.
• Please let me know if I can loan you any of my research materials (books, DVDs, etc.).
• I understand where you are coming from and that this is difficult for you.
• And the most used lately: if you can't be mature and respect my decision, I don't want to talk to you about this anymore.

[Smokering]

Maybe you could try politely parroting back what she's actually saying. For example, in a politely surprised voice,

"So you think our decision to homebirth has anything to do with you, and you're trying to make me change my mind by threatening to withdraw financial support?"

or "So you're not interested in looking at any of the research I've offered you, in order to argue with me on an informed basis?"

As someone who desperately wanted a homebirth and ended up in hospital due to pre-eclampsia, just let me say: Don't give in to pressure. Hospital births and homebirths are miles apart. If you want a homebirth, have a homebirth!

And incidentally? Even if you caved, it wouldn't stop the negative comments. MIL managed to work in a crack the other day about how she was 'worried' when I'd been planning a homebirth, because when MIL had DH they 'both would have died' if she hadn't been in hospital. Never mind that that's completely untrue--she had a 20-hour labour she considers 'very long', and stalled for a while at 7cm. Her reasoning is that if she'd been at home, they would have died from exhaustion--never mind that a) 20 hours isn't THAT long, b) midwives don't just sit there and watch you slowly perish of exhaustion and c) it's possible that if she were in a homebirth environment, labour wouldn't have stalled. None of which I could tactfully bring up at the time, but it made me steaming mad. So if you let her bully you into a hospital birth, just remember you'll be hearing acidic 'Remember when you wanted to have a homebirth for the last baby? I was right then, and I'm right now about X parenting decision!' for the next, oh, 18 years...

[LittleBlessings]

Originally Posted by barefootpoetry

Wow. Someone has some SERIOUS issues. If she can't come to terms with the fact that you are an adult capable of making your own intelligent decisions, and if she seriously thinks you are dumb enough to deliberately put your child in danger....then I'd have no problem writing her off completely. Seriously. You don't need that kind of toxicity in your life.

Heh heh, I just read the other replies and I said basically the same thing dogmom said.

Her mom is just worried and does not want anything to happen to her daughter or granddaughter. She could have approached it better.

I hope everything works it self out lindsayjean and hope your mom does come around

[NaturalMindedMomma]

this is why I have the standard reply "We aren't totally sure yet". We see CNM's at the hospital and hired my MW as a doula and if I HB, then so be it! (WE'RE HOMEBIRTHING, LOL)

Your mom is feeling insecure and I have a feeling your research and info is hitting a sore spot. This isn't about her or anyone else other than you and your baby. She sounds as though she NEEDS you to validate her career choice.

Ignore her. Tell her it's not up for discussion and stop feeling guilty. U have done nothing wrong.

ETA: she would only see HB go wrong, because ones that go right, STAY AT HOME... I doubt she has seen that many go wrong. She is probably referring to ANY transport as "wrong". Transporting doesn't mean anything was necessarily wrong. I transported for an epidural and rest after 36 hours of labor at home with little to no progress. No emergency...

[lindsayjean]

Thank you all SO MUCH, I mean that!! I read each and every post and am so grateful for every single one. Without you guys I may have caved... I hate confrontation, but I also MUST stand up for what I believe.... two character qualities of mine that don't always mesh so well, huh?

I am sure this will continue. For now, she is quiet to my last email. I told her that I know she wasn't trying to, but that when she is asking me to validate her career choice (which I said my choice has NOTHING to do with her), she came off as really selfish. My mom doesn't really *think* before she says something and that has often gotten her in trouble. I guess I've been dealing with her threats for my whole life... mostly empty but they still hurt!!

I guess it's hard to let your children leave the nest, and harder now that we live in town (we used to live 3 hrs away and in a few years will likely move across the big pond)... I guess I'm helping her learn this and DEFINITELY learning myself that when my children leave the nest how to respect their decisions and let them be adults. Silver lining... right?

Want to know my biggest fear right now though?? It's probably silly. My biggest fear is that something, god forbid, will happen to me or the baby while homebirthing and she will blame it on being at home (even though I do think that things that happen at home would likely have happened in the hospital as well). But I guess I can't dwell on that. I've read the statistics, I know that it is no more unsafe than a hospital birth in low risk situations. I can't live in the fear of "I told you so"....

Anyway, I will keep you all updated... I may need your continued validation throughout this pregnancy... I'm not even out of the 1st trimester yet!!! Yikes. I guess I'm giving her LOTS of time to get used to the idea, right?

[peainthepod]

Originally Posted by lindsayjean

Want to know my biggest fear right now though?? It's probably silly. My biggest fear is that something, god forbid, will happen to me or the baby while homebirthing and she will blame it on being at home (even though I do think that things that happen at home would likely have happened in the hospital as well). But I guess I can't dwell on that. I've read the statistics, I know that it is no more unsafe than a hospital birth in low risk situations. I can't live in the fear of "I told you so"....

I think every homebirther goes through this at some point--I sure did. It's easy to dwell on the scary what-ifs, but remember--the numbers back you up. You are making an evidence-based decision. You are doing what's safest for your baby and you. Anyone who would say "I told you so" is not someone who deserves to be a part of your life, IMO.

Anyway, I will keep you all updated... I may need your continued validation throughout this pregnancy... I'm not even out of the 1st trimester yet!!! Yikes. I guess I'm giving her LOTS of time to get used to the idea, right?

, mama. I know you desperately want your mother to come around, but the fact is it might not happen. And that's okay, because this isn't about her. She doesn't have to get used to the idea for you to have a happy, safe, peaceful, successful homebirth. Obviously you want her support, but even without it, you can and will do this. And we'll be pulling for you every step of the way.

[Full Heart]

Originally Posted by lindsayjean

Well, my mom sent me another email saying basically that she thinks it is sad that I don't see any benefit in what she, my father in law and grandpa did or do for a living (2 OBGYNs an she's a L&D nurse like I mentioned). Her exact wording was "stupid and unimportant. and not good enough for me" Ugh- I have TOLD her that I don't think every birth SHOULD be at home. And she also said that if it is what i decide that she is not going to support me but she will accept it.

I'm just frustrated and feel like if I choose a homebirth (what I really do want) that she'll keep this up the whole pregnancy and stress me out to no end. I feel blackmailed and starting to think it would be easier to just give in.

UGH!!!!!

You could tell her that its wonderful that there are drs and nurses like her out there. There will always be woman that need to birth in the hospital and they deserve to have great nurses and drs like your mother there. That while at this point you don't think you will need to birth in a hospital should the need arise that you hope to have someone as loving and caring as your mother/grandfather there.

Stroke her ego a little. If she wants it to be all about her turn it around and make it all about her in a nice way. Hopefully she will then back off for a while when she gets her "me" fix.

It would not be easier to give in. Because once you give in on this she will know she can get you to do it on other things as well. You would be setting yourself up for a lifetime of giving in. Its easier to put your foot down now before it gets out of hand.

[aylaanne]

If your mom goes off on you about her career choices (and those of your other family members) again, you could always say, "I am grateful that you and others like you have the training to take care of me and my baby if I need that level of care." My stepmother is an L&D nurse and thankfully she never gave me a lot of garbage, and when we talked about it she listened to me and realized how much MORE I knew about normal birth (and even some abnormal birth) than she did, despite her over 20 year career in nursing.

I think that maybe your mom might be a little jealous of your confidence.

[mom2sol]

Originally Posted by lindsayjean

Want to know my biggest fear right now though?? It's probably silly. My biggest fear is that something, god forbid, will happen to me or the baby while homebirthing and she will blame it on being at home (even though I do think that things that happen at home would likely have happened in the hospital as well). But I guess I can't dwell on that. I've read the statistics, I know that it is no more unsafe than a hospital birth in low risk situations. I can't live in the fear of "I told you so"....

This was definitely a fear of mine for my first birth. I think it's totally normal. I know for my self I had to first educate my DH, then my parents, sisters, etc... The last thing I wanted to deal with was some "I told you so's".

Luckily because I was at home with a midwife I avoided a c-section. My son was asyncltic and a little dystocic. Midwife dealt with it calmly and amazingly I gave birth to a 9 pound baby with a 15 inch head, coming out crocked without a tear. Of course my family still doesn't get this. My mother just told me the other day that my cousing "had" to have a c-section because the baby was coming out crocked, it's like she remembers nothing.

[tammyswanson]

Hugs to you! That is why I kept the whole UC HB a secret! My mom wigged out on me when she found out that I hadn't taken DS to the hospital after he was born, nevermind there was NOTHING wrong with him.... I hear ya though.

My DH told HIS mom though (the snitch that he is, lol!). Lucky for me she's passive aggressive and easy to brush off.

Hey, it's your body, you listen to your instincts they will guide you. I know what you mean about L&D nurses..the FNP that I had at one of my prenatals seemed to be more 'receptive' and I asked what she thought of homebirth...what a mistake. All doom and gloom, worst case scenarios all the time. Like they think that all hospital births don't cause complications and risks?

[HappyMommaBear]

My mom was soooo worried about me having a HB. When we ended up having a c section, I think she thought her fears were proven right (we had many un-forseen complications) I dread telling her that we are going to have baby #2 at home.
If you do decide on a home birth, try to educate her on how safe it is (in my opinion, safer than a hospital birth for a normal, healthy delivery) but if she won't come around, you have to make it plain to her that she cannot be around stressing you as the birth draws closer. One of my major complications was stress, some of which was contributed by my parents. Stress will only make the birth harder, and you don't need that around you.

Good luck with your mom and your birth. I hope that you will be satisfied with whatever birth experience you choose.

[Jilian]

I agree with the others, for now do not discuss your birthing choices with her. She is obviously too emotional about it and she's trying to scare you into making the decision she thinks is right. If you give in and just give birth at a hospital for her sake, how will you feel if something goes wrong? What message does that send to her? It tells her that she can still manipulate you with scare tactics and get ready for a whole bunch of them when the baby comes. This is YOUR body and YOUR birthing choice. Decide with your heart and do not decide with fear.

My own mom freaked out a bit and I eventually let her know my mind was made up and I only wanted to surround myself with positive energy. She was honest and let me know she was too nervous to attend and she watched DS1 instead and came over shortly after. We did have an after-the-fact "what if" and my mom sometimes brings it up but I don't let it bother me. I'm happy with my choice to HB despite DS2 being born with a surprise CHD. In fact, the HB MW helped to save DS2 when he was 2 weeks old and other doctors would not believe something was wrong.

[Turquesa]

"Gee, Mom. Sorry if you think I'm out to kill your grandchild."

Don't actually use this snarky comeback. Just enjoy it.

Seriously, though, that's exactly the attitude that she's conveying--that you, the child's mother, would actually do something stupid to put your baby's life in jeopardy.

Does she really see you as that kind of person? Does she really think you're incompetent and incapable of making decisions for what's best for your baby? I'm sorry if she does. But chances are, she doesn't, and she's not really thinking through what she's saying.