Preparing for birthing without adequate emotional partner support?

[StarMama]

I'm posting here instead of in UC'ing because even at 36 weeks out here my birthing plans are not set. I'll either be birthing at Kaiser with a midwife, or UC'ing.

My husband is terribly afraid of a UC (which I found out 2 weeks ago). Completely unwilling to become educated about the subject.

He also doesn't get why I'm petrified of birthing at the hospital (I had horrible birthing experience there with my first 5 years ago). Simply doesn't think that to have a natural birthing experience there how I'd want it will be at least a little bit of a struggle. Doesn't understand why I'm fearful of a hospital birth at all.

I desperately wanted him to be able to serve as my emotional support and Protector, regardless of where I birth.

I'm not giving up on conversations with him to hopefully get us to be able to line up and be a good team for birthing, but at this point I need to realistically plan on how I'm going to cope without the type of support I need from him (I know he will still be available for physical support, positioning, massage, ect.)

I have a few freebie doulas that I am speaking to (we couldn't afford to pay for our midwives due to financial situations that have come up recently). I have friends who would be quite willing to come and help, but its all based on when I birth if they are available. I wish I could know who could be available for sure, then I could sit down with them and go over what support I'm really needing...

Anyone have any advice? BTDT? I was so excited and looking forward to this birth. Now I'm dreading it. I want to salvage what I can, and have the best experience that I can with the circumstances.

We are in therapy together, btw, but its going all sideways and the next appt isn't until Dec 5th and I really have lost faith that we'll get it squared away in therapy before this little one is ready to come out.

[barefootpoetry]

I had a homebirth without my DH present. I just had to come to terms with the fact that he was not going to be the kind of support I needed him to be, and if anything, he would just destroy the peaceful birth environment with his negative, anxious vibes. I birthed at a friend's house with my midwives, and he came over after it was all done. The minute he walked in, I sent him right back out because he looked so terrified and I just didn't want to deal with that.

It was really hard for me to cut DH out of the birth, but it was what I had to do. If he had been there I'm positive he would have undermined the whole thing and I would have had another C-section. I broke down crying at one point during labor because I wanted him to be there so bad, I wanted him to be the dad you see in labor pictures that is holding the mom. But he couldn't be that for me. Sometimes we just have to accept that the person we love isn't going to be everything we want or need them to be, no matter how hard we try.

[StarMama]

And how did that affect your relationship? Did he mind not being there or was it world war three?
I couldn't imagine Dh not *there* when this little one is born. It was such a bonding moment between all three of us when ds was born.

[Avani]

My ex and I were in the process of splitting up when i was pregnant with my fifth babe. I had a midwife who was aware of what was going on between he and I. I had no friends and no family nearby me, so i was truly alone. A few times i went into labor and i believe his presence hindered my ability to go into active labor. The day i finally went into active labor he ignored me and my plea's of help stating i was just looking for attention. He ended up leaving me and our 4 kids that day. As soon as he left my contractions picked up and i ended up birthing my son alone on the stairs. The other children were woken up as he was birthed. I felt more at peace once he was gone. I truly wished i had some female support especially the day after when i was sore and bleeding alot but i had no other choice and coped alone with all the kids. THis time around my partner(different man) just left me and i am around 2 months along. I have many female friends where i live now so i know i will be well supported and i no longer feel it is necessary to have a partner there for the birthing or for after even. I have raised my 5 kids single handedly for the last two years and i pray this one won't be any different. Find peace within, this is about your birth and your experience.

[barefootpoetry]

Originally Posted by StarMama

And how did that affect your relationship? Did he mind not being there or was it world war three?
I couldn't imagine Dh not *there* when this little one is born. It was such a bonding moment between all three of us when ds was born.

He was okay with it. He was not very "present" at DS1's birth, he just sat in the corner and played Snake on his phone. He was a little bummed that he would be missing DS2's birth, but he understood that me having a safe, successful homebirth was important, and he said that if we (my midwives and I) felt it was best for him not to be there, then he would do it. He never came to terms with the homebirth idea - and he STILL doesn't get it! - and although he wanted me to have "what I wanted," he just couldn't be 100% supportive. And you can't have a good birth with someone present who isn't 100%.

He is just one of those guys that can't handle birth, period, I guess. He is a very nervous, paranoid, hypochrondriac type guy in general, and the last thing I needed when I was gonna be crawling around naked screaming with blood dribbling out of my nether regions is someone to be standing there who freaks out when our kid has a runny nose. KWIM? When he walked in he was pacing back and forth silently freaking out. He didn't even want to hold his son right away like I figured he would when he got there. It really worked out for the best for him not to be there. I definitely wouldn't recommend it for everyone, but if it's a choice between having a safe, sucessful birth or holding on to a romantic notion of family because it's what you're "supposed" to do, then I would go the other route.