Regrets about last time & how not to offend people...

[BekahMomToOliver]

Hi everyone! I'm hoping someone here has some suggestions on the situation, as I'm not the most *tactful* of people when it comes to things I'm passionate about... Here's the story...

I had an awesome home birth last January. It really was the greatest day of my entire existence, no exaggeration. It was hard (with a posterior baby and some significant tearing), but it was really truly an amazing thing and I can honestly say it changed me as a person for the better. I loved my home birth!! :

But... there was a hitch. It didn't phase me at the time because I was looped out with exhaustion and bliss, but looking back on it, I'm absolutely mortified. It really bugs me to think about it.

What happened was, during the birth my mom, sister, fiance and mother-in-law (who I'm not that close to, but had there for fiance's sake) were right there at the side of the pool, front row seats to the show After Oliver was born, it was chaos! I had two midwives and a student (who ended up being the sole continuous care provider, I loved her and she was wonderful!) so there were about 7 people all told, plus Ollie and I. That's alot for a homebirth to begin with, especially when you're as shy as I am.
I had to get out of the pool to deliver the placenta, then they noticed all the blood from my tear and got me over to the pull-out couch. Oliver was being held by my sister (DF was crying too hard, awwww!) so I wasn't worried about him.
I guess the moment he was born my MIL got on the phone and called DF's sister, her boyfriend, their 18 month old and his grandma and younger sister and told them he was here. I guess they took it as their invitation to crash the party and it seemed like minutes later they were all walking in the door.
Next thing I know, I'm lying nude on the bed, covered in blood, legs wide as I'm being sewn up, and suddenly there's this influx of relatives! Apparently all I said was "uhhh, could I get a blanket or something?" at which point one of the midwives looked up (they were assisting the student with my crazy tear), saw all these people, and started scolding them a hustling them out. It was only a matter of, like, two minutes, but the icing on the cake was that the boyfriend looked over, noticed me and went "Oh my god, that's gross!" before turning and leaving :
The more I think about it, the angrier I get. I feel like this was a huge invasion of a very private moment, during a day that should have revolved around DF and I getting to know our baby. Suddenly it was ruined by this horrible, horrible moment and I really regret telling anyone else at all so soon that he was born.
Now, I'm planning a HB for next time, (which may be a bit sooner than we expected) but how do I make it clear that I don't want anyone there but DF and I, my mom and my sister(s)?? How do I exclude MIL tactfully, and how do I tell everyone else that we want no visitors for at least 24 hours?
Anyone else set some boundaries beforehand with relatives and how did it go? I don't want to offend anyone ( and MIL is very sensitive to her relationship with the grandkids) but I can't risk this happening again!
TIA!

[peainthepod]

, mama! You have every right to be upset about having all those people barge into your home during such a private time. It was very wrong of your MIL to call everyone and invite them over. And the person who called you gross should be ashamed of himself. What an insensitive jerk. :

Think of it this way: at a hospital birth, you could decide in advance who would be allowed in the room. You'd have nurses and doctors to kick people out and protect your private space, right? A homebirth is no different.

In my opinion, the birthing mother should have complete say over who, if anyone, is present when she's in labor. If you don't want your MIL and extended family to be there, that's completely understandable and your absolute right! Your MIL might be hurt by being excluded, but in the end your comfort and security are more important than how she feels on such a private, special day. Please don't feel bad or guilty about setting your boundaries accordingly.

We didn't allow anyone to visit for a week after our son was born. There was some grumbling but people were mostly very understanding. In the end this is our baby, our choice, our birth, my body. And I wouldn't trade the peaceful days I spent with just DH and the new baby for anything in the world. Don't be afraid to protect your nest.

Good luck!

[haren.13]

Oh, mama, I'm so sorry PP is right - this is your birth, your body, so you get to say who is there! At my last (hospital) birth, my mom and DH were there, along with the midwife and nurse. Afterward, for 2 days we were bombarded with people coming to hold the baby ~ DH didn't get to hold her on her first day until after 8pm! Also, we weren't warned when people were coming, so at times I wasn't in the best position to take visitors (in the bathroom with blood everywhere, top off entirely trying to breastfeed, you get the picture ).

For our next (home) birth, we will not have anyone there except the MW, her assistant and DH. And then noone for at least several days. Having family around, while wonderful, was too stressful for me. We haven't told our families yet about baby #2, but we plan to soon. And at that time we will probably tell them about the homebirth, and talk about how great it will be that Michael, DD, bean and I can bond by ourselves, etc. etc. This way they won't expect to be there, but we won't be saying "you're not allowed!", kwim? You could try something like that with your MIL ~ "It will be so great this time to have fewer people, since last time was a little bit overwhelming! We know that you understand and hope that you'll come over (the next day, a few days later, whatever)." Make it about YOU, so that she doesn't feel like something she did is causing you to not want her there (unless you want her to understand that).

While I love my and DH's extended families, and their feelings are important, this day is about US and OUR family. They will have lots and lots and lots of time to bond with the baby ~ no reason they have to be in the room when he or she appears We'll have plenty of pics I'm sure!

[1littlebit]

if your mil doesn't know why she isn't welcome this time she's clueless.

i would just say you want your mom and your sister. end of story. if she asks why just say that is what you are comfortable with. or that there were to many people last time. she shouldn't push. if she does just ignore her. or tell her the truth. tell her she over stepped a huge boundary, invited people into your home, intruded on your first moments with you child, and put you in a humiliating situation. because of her total lack of consideration, respect, and boundaries you no longer feel safe with her in your birthing space.

[Emmeline II]

Just tell them that only x, y, and z, will be there because that is what you are comfortable with. When they say "buy why", raise your eyebrows and say, "do you really need for me to spell it out after what happened after the birth last time?"

[bri276]

the other option is just not calling when you're in labor and then saying it all went too fast & confusing, sorry, didn't have time!

[LianneM]

that sounds very upsetting

I made a different choice with my 2nd hb than with my first, and it was tough, but I am SO GLAD. My 2nd birth was everything I hoped it would be, with just the people I wanted there. I felt bad for those I didn't invite (esp who were present the first time) but I gave them a heads up by saying that I was feeling like I wanted it to be smaller this time, and it was just fine. And like I said, I am SO SO glad I did it.

[HappyMommy2]

Originally Posted by bri276

the other option is just not calling when you're in labor and then saying it all went too fast & confusing, sorry, didn't have time!

This is what I would do. That way you don't have to think and worry and plan about everyone else's feelings. Just focus on your own needs and plan your lovely HB! You don't need their permission or prior approval to go into labor and have your baby!

You don't even have to lie. Just call them after the baby is there, and after you are ready for visitors!

[herbanmama]

Holy crap, mama! That is a huge invasion of your privacy! You have every right to set out the rules about who is going to be there and when visitation start without feeling guilty.

I'm planning on keeping my house clear of visitors for at least 3-5 days after the birth, and I know it's going to be hard for MIL and BIL to accept, especially since 10 minutes after BIL's son's birth they had invited EVERYONE over and there were a ton of people in the room, nursing relationship hadn't even been established (it's a good thing I was there actually, as the nurses were all preoccupied and I was the only one in the family with a clue about BFing, so I helped them get latched) and everyone was milling about, passing out hamburgers...it was insane. I can't even imagine that scene surrounding my birth! I felt invasive just being there, even though they asked us to come over. So now, I'm going to be 'compared' to how BIL's wife received visitors . But I need to honor myself and my baby. If they can't understand that, it's their problem ultimately.

You just need to lay it out in practical terms which make it clear that it is nothing personal and that you really need your quiet space to bond with baby afterward. However, I would mention how violated you felt with the influx of people after your last birth. That's a big deal, and you have every right to be furious.

24 hours isn't even a long time. You seem to really care about the feelings of others, so I am sure you'll formulate a tactful statement which outlines your wishes. Best of luck with this.

[MsBlack]

If you were my client, I would give you my full permission (and probably even urge you!) to say "My midwife has insisted on my having only x number of people there, sorry!" Maybe you could ask your mw if she is ok with your doing that? It would be close enough to the pure truth anyway, considering your last birth. At least, as your mw I'd probably trying to persuade you that fewer 'watchers' is better, or at least hoping you'd give me your own permission to clear the room if I felt it were necessary....and otherwise lay down ground rules to the crowd (NO calling others til mom says it's ok, stuff like that). Maybe you could ask your mw if she is ok with your doing that?

See, I don't care if any of your fam members hate me for excluding them . But I do care to help you (in any small reasonable way that does not put you leaning on me TOO much) reduce the stress/potential stress of handling such a sensitive matter that could have too much impact on your pregnancy, birth, and relationship w/MIL through time.

Just a thought.

[littlemomma]

Originally Posted by HappyMommy2

This is what I would do. That way you don't have to think and worry and plan about everyone else's feelings. Just focus on your own needs and plan your lovely HB! You don't need their permission or prior approval to go into labor and have your baby!

You don't even have to lie. Just call them after the baby is there, and after you are ready for visitors!

I did that the first time with hb. Now I wonder what I'll do next time. I mean, can you really be too busy twice, once MIL told you and showed you how hurt she was over it? UGH! Bottom line, in order to feel peaceful at the birth, you are going to have to not be worried about guests again.

BTW, what an asshole to say "gross." I seriously think I would call him right now and just scream "asshole" and hang up.

[1littlebit]

Originally Posted by littlemomma

BTW, what an asshole to say "gross." I seriously think I would call him right now and just scream "asshole" and hang up.

: might make ya feel better!

[Undercover Mama]

Wow, this thread hits home for me. At the hospital birth of my second I arrived and let the staff know I was planning on going natural. The nurse scoffed and walked out of the room. She then asked permission if a young female nursing student could participate in the experience and observe. I met her and talked to her and gave her permission.

During the last stages of pushing, when baby was crowning and I couldn't talk, seriously like 15 people rushed into the room. My baby was born and I focused my attention on that joyous moment, but years later I still get angry when I think about the breech of privacy. When I asked what they were doing, I was told they were all student nurses and doctors who had never seen a natural birth and wanted to see it. No one asked. I still remember being in that vulnerable position with all those faces staring wide eyed at my crotch. After, not one said good job or congrats, just left the room without a word.

My fourth baby and first homebirth was wonderful, but too many people that time too. In my very small bedroom I had my midwife, her assistant, my dh and oldest dd, my mother, a friend, and my sister (she was just outside the door).

I do feel like birthing is a sacred ,intimate moment, in many ways the same as conceiving a baby is. Even if I'm not as embarassed to be seen that way, my husband feels a little embarassed too. I can understand why it would be that way for him, especially with his mil right there. I am due again in May and only plan on him and my midwife to be there. I don't even want her to have an assistant unless she insists. I do it on my own anyway. She is very hands off and doesn't coach me. I know it means a lot for my mother to be there, and it will be hard for her not to be, but I'm just going to be honest. Maybe she can be in the next room if I need help with my kids, or if it is in the wee hours when everyone is asleep I'll just let her know after. And definitely, friends and in laws will wait several days, preferably a week, before visiting. It really stresses me out to have certain people visit. There is no reason they should be offended.

Good luck figuring it out! Do what is best for you. No one should ever expect to be invited to a birth.

[theretohere]

Originally Posted by MsBlack

If you were my client, I would give you my full permission (and probably even urge you!) to say "My midwife has insisted on my having only x number of people there, sorry!" Maybe you could ask your mw if she is ok with your doing that? It would be close enough to the pure truth anyway, considering your last birth. At least, as your mw I'd probably trying to persuade you that fewer 'watchers' is better, or at least hoping you'd give me your own permission to clear the room if I felt it were necessary....and otherwise lay down ground rules to the crowd (NO calling others til mom says it's ok, stuff like that). Maybe you could ask your mw if she is ok with your doing that?

See, I don't care if any of your fam members hate me for excluding them . But I do care to help you (in any small reasonable way that does not put you leaning on me TOO much) reduce the stress/potential stress of handling such a sensitive matter that could have too much impact on your pregnancy, birth, and relationship w/MIL through time.

Just a thought.

[Citykid]

Hey Bekah,

All these suggestions are really good. Telling her outright, blaming it on your MW, or just not calling her til it's over - any of them would work great and it's all about what you're comfortable with. Here's another suggestion in case none of those work for you: is MIL close with Oliver? Tell her you need her to take him to her house during the birth because you don't want him to be scared by your laboring. That would still be honoring her and giving her an important job to help in your childbirth, while keeping her out of your hair.

Btw, where is DF in all this? Does he recognize what a spot his mom put you in? Is he willing to talk to his mom so you don't have to do it?

But I also feel for your MIL a little bit. She was probably just so excited about the birth she went ahead and shouted it from the rooftops out of sheer joy. She may also have assumed - please don't be offended - that because you had so many observers at the birth itself, you wouldn't mind more people afterward. She may not have been able to see where that line between inner circle and outer circle was. In any case, her actions are not totally inconceivable and you'll get farther if you approach her with compassion, although without sacrficing your own needs.

[BekahMomToOliver]

Thanks so much everyone. You've given me alot of options to consider.
And I am so, sooo sorry to hear other mama's stories of similar experiences It's such an important factor, and I can't believe that I didn't plan it better. I just had no idea that it would be an issue, but like a PP said, in hospitals it's not a problem because there are rules and doctors and nurses to enforce these rules. I received a very thorough homebirth prep list beforehand, but there was nothing on it about regulating visitors and I really think there should be because like I said, I just mistakenly assumed that everyone would be appreciative of what was happening and would treat us with respect. I now realize (too late) that it really is important to lay strict guidelines ahead of time because I know from my experience it's not something I should have had to worry about during labour and after birth.
DF and I discussed this at length last night and although I was a bit worried about telling him how I felt, he was 100% behind me. He said he understood completely and feels that next time it should just be he and I. My mom was my doula last time, and DF was a bit overwhelmed by it all so I really depended mostly on her and my sister for support. I really would like them to be there next time too, we'll hammer something out that works for both of us.
I guess I just really really resent that it happened, but at some point I have to accept it and move on. Hopefully next time we can have that uninterrupted bliss that every family deserves.
Citykid, you have some great suggestions too. I appreciate you seeing it from my MIL's perspective as well. My DF and I agreed last night that the route we're going to take is to ask her to take care of Oliver for us, so I smiled to see it in your post. I think you're right, she'll feel she is an important part of it (which she will be) without me having to be apprehensive about a repeat occurrence.
Thanks so much everyone! It's great to have the wisdom of all different kinds of women from all walks of life when something like this arises.:

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by littlemomma

I did that the first time with hb. Now I wonder what I'll do next time. I mean, can you really be too busy twice, once MIL told you and showed you how hurt she was over it? UGH! Bottom line, in order to feel peaceful at the birth, you are going to have to not be worried about guests again.

No, this time you say "I'm glad I didn't have the crowd I was expecting when ldc was born, so I'm planning to have the same small number of helpers this time around." And if you have to give her visuals "you know, my birth isn't about your feelings, it's about what makes my nude body comfortable when I'm pushing an eight pound baby out of my hairy vagina." or "we view birth as an intimate act, like SEX, and you're not hurt that you didn't get to witness the conception, are you?"

[LilacMama]

I'm shocked that you are the one trying to "make nice" and not offend anyone after what happened! Everyone should be apologizing profusely to you and trying to make up for a horrible show of disrespect to you. But somehow you are the one still trying to not hurt anyone's feelings? Please think about how much you value YOURSELF...I'm really worried about your sense of self-respect.

It's obvious that you are a very lovely, strong person and your family is incredibly lucky to have you. Take care of yourself, your baby and your husband. You owe no one any explanations about arranging your next birth in the way that you want it to be.

If it was me, I would just say that since it was my second baby and I knew what to expect, I really feel like I needed less family support and am planning a private birth this time around. Then don't call anyone until the baby is born and you are READY (even if it's a day or two).

I'm not one to hold grudges, but I wouldn't pretend like "nothing happened" last time -- that was a toxic element in an otherwise beautiful birth and you shouldn't be ashamed to say so if necessary.

[AugustLia23]

I am a HUGE believer that you should be able to have solely the people you want at the birth and nobody else. It may hurt people's feelings, but that's not really your concern. You could either tell them in advance, or if you are really concerned about how they'll feel about not being invited, just "forget" to call the people wo you don't want there, and let those that are there know that it is not their right to invite anybody to your birth.

[mom2sol]

Okay, first of all- I've just got to say, "WOW!". I can't believe people would be so clueless- I'm really, truly amazed. I can't imagine any one I know thinking for a milla- second that it would be cool to just come on over immediately following any birth- let alone a home birth!!!!!!! Honestly, what is wrong with these people?????

You really have no reason to do any tip-toeing around these people. I would flat out look at them and say, "that was not cool, don't do it again!". Lock the door and put a note on it to remind them.

You've already gotten great advice, I just had to say I'm sorry that happened to you. You would think people would have a little more sense.