3YO saying "go away and never come back"

[junglefamily]

I have a newborn, 3 and 5YO. About 3 months ago my 3 YO started saying, when he gets angry at anyone (mostly just me) "I want you to go away and never come back" or "i want a new family" or "you're bad". I try to find a happy medium in between what he wants and what he can have/do...but it doesn't work for him most of the time, and he'll say these things that by bed time have me in tears. He'll hug me then and say sorry when i cry...but most of the day i get angry when he says these things to me and then he gets even more angry at me. How should i respond?

[mamazee]

Kids learn language long before they learn social skills. He doesn't mean it, and he won't mean it when he says he hates your or that he wishes he had a different mommy either. Don't take him literally. Anything like that at this age simply means, "I'm very angry right now." In fact, you can model that to him. "I hear that you are angry right now." But don't take it personally.

[Devaskyla]

Ds2 says he hates someone, usually me, at least once a day, usually more. It hurt when ds1 said it (far less frequently), but it's just one of those things 3 year olds do. Most of the time, I tell him I'm sorry to hear that because I still love him. Eventually he'll gow out of it.

[junglefamily]

you're both right. i know he doesn't really mean it, or doesn't know what he's saying, it just hurts so bad after a long day of trying to do my best. Last night he was even saying IN HIS SLEEP!!!!!!!!!

[riversong]

Mamazee said just what I was thinking. Your ds is trying to express the strength of his feelings in a way that will get you to notice them. He's angry and trying to figure out how to tell you. Reflecting back his feelings and giving him a hug or a compassionate look lets him know that you hear him and you still love him even when he's angry.

My dd has started saying things like, "I need a new mom." "I'm going to hit/kill you." "I'm going to put you in jail." and "I'm going to send you away to a bad man." Some of these phrases she's picked up at preschool and she's trying them out. She wants to let out her anger and see how I (or dh) will react.

Would it help you not to feel hurt if you started thinking about how good it is that he is expressing himself to you? That he's talking about his anger instead of hitting? That he trusts you enough to say something mean and know that you will still love him?

[avivaelona]

I think the power that you are giving his words is a little scary for him and that's why he's dreaming it at night in his sleep. Kids at this age test the waters, can they make you go away? What happens if they say their very worst feeling? The best thing you can do is give it LESS importance. He will stop saying these things if he realizes he doesn't have the power to make you go away and that he can be secure that you will love him even when he feels bad and angry and that he's not so powerful that he can hurt you mortally. (it IS ok to say calmly "those are words that hurt" but I would follow up with "I hear you are angry, its ok to be angry, and you can tell me when you feel that way")

[skreader]

Try not to cry, because as one of the other posters said, it gives his words more power than is likely to be healthy for a 3-year-old.

Getting angry - also normal. Who enjoys it when someone you love says unkind things?

I think a calm "Wow, sounds like you're pretty angry with mama. But that's OK, I sometimes get angry with people I love too. Maybe you need some good alone time. I'll go away to the [living room/bedroom/ whereever] for a while. When you feel like some mama-time, you can come and get me." Then walk away calmly and try to have some good alone-time w/ yourself or some one-on-one time w/ one of the other kids.

Sometimes a bit of humor helps. "You want a new family? What sort of family would it be - would they live in a movie theater and have all the popcorn they could eat all the time? Would they have a talking dog?..." Go with the fantasy in a playful way. Could be illuminating and fun.

Originally Posted by junglefamily

I have a newborn, 3 and 5YO. About 3 months ago my 3 YO started saying, when he gets angry at anyone (mostly just me) "I want you to go away and never come back" or "i want a new family" or "you're bad". I try to find a happy medium in between what he wants and what he can have/do...but it doesn't work for him most of the time, and he'll say these things that by bed time have me in tears. He'll hug me then and say sorry when i cry...but most of the day i get angry when he says these things to me and then he gets even more angry at me. How should i respond?

[junglefamily]

thank you---very helpful everyone