DH Won't Have Any More Kids :(

[trimestersdoula]

Last night I finally decided that DH and I should talk about the way I have been feeling lately. We have been having some issues since Calli's birth. Anyways, I brought up how I would like to start trying for another baby when Calli turns 2. He then tells me that he won't have anymore kids. I got SOOO upset. I just didn't understand how he could NOT want to have anymore kids, especially since we decided BEFORE we even got pregnant with Calli (DD #1), that we would have at least two children. Then I got angry. How could he take away my chance to have a normal birth. I told him after she was born that I wanted a normal birth since hers was an induction/c-section. Then I decided that maybe I should ask him WHY he didn't want any more children. He told me that the pregnancy was very stressful for him. That all he ever thought about was the "what ifs". Like what if something was wrong with the baby or what if I something happened and she died in the middle of the pregnancy.....that type of stuff. He went on to tell me that he also couldn't stand to ever see me go through the pain that I went through to have her (45 hour labor, almost all of it active with hours and hours of transition type labor only to end in a c/s). He told me how he couldn't stand to see me laying in the hospital bed having people stick their hands up me while I was having one constant contraction being hooked up to monitors, screaming and kicking for them to stop and let me up because I was in soooo much pain. (I will admit, that was very traumatic for me as well). I remember after they finally let me up he wasn't in the room. Just my doula. I never noticed him leave though. He told me last night that he couldn't stand seeing me like that and was angry he couldn't do anything to help so he left and went and sat on the bench in front of the hospital and cried. I tried to explain to him that what I went through was nowhere near what a "normal" labor was like. I told him that even though it didn't look like it, I was SO happy to be in labor, that I waited so long to get to experience it and I was thrilled that I finally got to. Even though I was in pain. He said he still won't put me through that again, even if I say I am ok with it. He said that he won't put himself through the stress of all the "what ifs" again, even though the end result of all that stress is sooo worth it.

I just don't know if I will be able to change his mind on this one. He was really upset last night. I want another baby really bad but I am not sure how to go about talking him into it. Will he maybe think otherwise later? I mean it is still pretty fresh in his mind being only 4 weeks ago. I just don't really know what to do. I am so upset that he doesn't want anymore children but I am also upset that he was so stressed and upset about the pregnancy and birth.

Anyways, thanks for letting me rant. I just really needed to get this off my chest.

[Logan's mommy]

Not in your ddc, but saw your post and had to send , also congrats on the new baby. Maybe in a year or so you could try bringing it up again? I'm sorry birth was so traumatic for you both, maybe if you both sit down in a few months and talk about it, then he will come to terms, make peace with what happened he may come around. Good luck, and again congrats!

[mamanurse]

I would be a wreck if dh had said this immediately postpartum. He very well might change his mind in the future. Having a newborn, even an exceptionally cute and perfect one like Calli, only increases the stress on a relationship. I'd leave the topic alone for awhile and see what happens. I hope everything will work out.

[DahliaRW]

Not in your ddc either, but saw the title and had to post and send hugs.

I really just would give him time. And bridge the topic again in a year and a half or so. I think time may help him realize that he does want another and to get over your birth. At that point if he's still adamant, I would recommend counseling.

s

[laurelg]

Another not-in-your-DDC-er, but I wanted to give another voice to the 'give him more time' idea. DH and I are having our first as well, and I have already decided I don't want to have any conversations about more children - either positive or negative - for at least several months after the birth. Our baby is still breech and I've been struggling with fears about that since my last MW appointment, and when I caught myself thinking "If I end up with a c/s, I don't know if I will want another baby" I realized I am not going to be able to be rational about more kids anytime soon! I think emotions are running strong for both of you right now - understandably so - and you need to put some distance between yourselves and that fresh trauma before you talk definitively about more babies.

As your DH watches your DD grow, and gets used to parenthood, I bet you anything he will come around.

[dis]

Yeah, you need to give him time. Men have to process the birth experience too, which is something we often don't recognize. Right now your baby, while I'm sure delightful, doesn't really do anything, if you know what I mean. In 6 months, in a year, you'll have a little person who will astonish you daily. And that may make your husband change his mind, as he watches your daughter grow and maybe starts to think he'd like to do that again.

give him time. I remember after I miscarried last year my husband said he didn't want to try again, and I was absolutely devastated. I cried for days. After a few weeks, though, it became clear that he DID want to try, he was just worried it would be too hard for me if we had another loss.

I would try, as much as you can, to put the issue aside for at least 6 months, then revisit. Right now you are in a very emotionally intense time, adjusting to this new person in your lives. It's really not the best time for big discussions like when to have another child.

[musiclady]

Another DDC drop in (from July)...

Congratulations on your new baby girl. I read your post and just wanted to give you a hug. It really struck me in two ways. One, your husband is absolutely freaking out and I think that giving him time is the only way to go. Second, I was really reading how much he loves and cares for you.

He obviously was scared witless to see the birthing, and mostly out of concern for you. I wanted to cry reading it because it speaks to how deeply he loves you. It's obvious. It's just absolutely apparent that you have one special husband.

I don't think he's trying to take away anything from you, but I think he just got overwhelmed throughout the ordeal, a little over-wrought (is that a word?) and really got scared for you.

Added to that, probably feeling helpless and guilty that he couldn't take the pain away for you.

I think give him some time. I'm scared to death of the labor process, so hats off for making it successfully though a really hard one. It's traumatic for him too, so just connect with him on other levels, build the bridge, forgive him for speaking so "this-is-the-end-and-the-bottom-line-no-discussion" because he's just freaking out. Obviously he is crazy about you, loves you so deeply- and I really think that as you grow into your family, time erases some of the trauma. And I think he will come around.

I know it doesn't help now : but I hope you will have a better day today. And a good thanksgiving- you have very much to be thankful for.

You know how they say women say things in labor they don't mean (if you touch me again....)? Maybe he had one of those moments too- where the fear outweighed his rational feelings.

Best of luck.

[ferretfan]

my dh feels similarly to yours, although this latest addition was our second. my unmedicated hospital birth rapidly went downhill in the final stages and ended up in an urgent c/s. the doctors tried intervention after intervention, all of which involved shoving progressively more painful things into my vagina for extended periods, and my tolerance for them dropped dramatically. there was a lot of wailing, and begging for sleep and death on my part, the baby's heart tones got really scary for a while and dh was FREAKING OUT, not that i was able to pay too much attention to what was going on with him at the time, but i remember looking at him and thinking i'd never seen anyone look so scared afterwards, when we were both a little more removed from the ordeal, he said he's not sure he could do that again, but i'm not sure that i am done having children though. our last birth experience is still very fresh in both our minds, as i'm sure it is for you and your dh.

in time your little girl is going to grow into an amazing little person, and in time i'm pretty sure he's going to the remember the impact of your ordeal slightly differently; the yearning to watch another child of his blossom might overshadow the fears that he has regarding another. i'd not read to much into what the future holds with regard to your family size right now, he needs some time to process it all and put in into perspective. wait til calli starts to call him daddy and begins to wrap him around her little finger little girls can work magic on their fathers like noone else can

take it easy mama

[mama_b]

Give it time. My dh said the same thing, and for the same reasons after our dd was born. He didn't want her to be an only child though, and after about 7 months he decided that he would like to have another eventually. My pregnancy with ds was so horrific that I decided that there would be no more and dh agreed. Now he's almost a year old and we're both open to having another one in a few years. Your baby is still very young. Give it awhile and see how you both feel in a year or so.

[Marcimama]

Yep, give it time. Don't underestimate the trauma he went through too. My dh is always far more traumatized about birth than I am. I think they see and feel so many emotions that we don't.
And if he persists would he or you consider adoption? There are 144 million parentless children in the world. (Just something to consider). Hugs!

[Delaney'sMommy]

Dropping in from the Nov. DDC. Congrats on your sweet little girl!! Wow, you really had a rough time of it. I feel for both of you. It's obvious your hubby loves you SO much! I saw a trailor for a documentary called The Other Side of The Glass. It made me realize how much that helpless feeling really affects the daddy to be. That, of course, doesn't trivialize your own feelings in any way! It's just that we expect mamas to need to heal from birth trauma, and often the dads are overlooked.

I would say definitely give him time before talking about more children again. Yes, his feelings may certainly change. BUT, in the meantime, I would encourage you both to talk about your labor & birth as much as you can. Processing & working through it all now, and along the way, will make it easier to realistically talk about future babies in about a year or so. If you don't talk it through now, it leaves a lot to work through later. Just talk about it without bringing up future pregnancies.

We had a lovely birth experience this time around & we still had to talk & talk in the days following. It was SO far from what we expected, we just had to keep verbalizing our feelings about it all. It's so important to properly process it, even if it's painful. We did the same thing after both of my miscarriages. It was extremely painful, but it had to be done. We felt it for all it was, and were able to move on in a healthy way.

I think it's a testament to your lovely character that you have a great attitude about it all even though you've been through such a difficult birth. That you were thankful to be experiencing labor in spite of how you were experiencing it! And you already know that you want to do it again anyway! Great job, mama!! Enjoy your precious little girl & savor every moment!!

[infraread]

Your labor & birth sounds so much like my first one, after which my husband told everyone "I'll never put her through that again!"

It was less than a year before he was hinting for another one. He liked the idea far sooner than I did!

All the pp's who've said give him time, they know what they're talking about. Everyone says the pain of childbirth fades... and it does. No matter how that baby was birthed! Give your guy a chance to get to know the great kid his little girl is going to be, and let him see how much joy she's going to bring both of you. He'll come around.

[jeliphish]

right after baby is too soon for some to even consider having another child. DH and I both said after DD was born that we would not have anymore children - even though before we started having children we were both set on three. Well after we got adjusted to life- we were back to wanting more children and here we are pregnant with 2.
Give him some time...enjoy your new little baby...and things will fall into place.

[Amber Lion]

Wanted to post this trailer for the documentary that's coming out called "The Other Side of the Glass". I think the experiences of our fathers often get overlooked or dismissed and they can be very traumatic for them. Feeling helpless to do anything and not knowing what is going on is a hard place to be. Maybe your Dh would consider trying to work through his birth experience, either with your care provider or doula or with an outside safe person. I know the above trailer really effected my Dh, maybe it will help yours to realize that his experience is valid and needs to be processed?

s

[mkmb129]

Well.. my dh said absolutely no more.. I was devastated, too. I was angry with him, oh so angry. But there's hope Give him time to recover from this. He has good reasons at least, my dh just didn't want more because he says they cost too much (we'd discussed before that having only one was not an option, I wanted ds to have a sibling). I bet once things settle down some and he has time to process this all maybe he'll feel differently.

[audsma]

Hugs. I'm sorry to hear this. DH came around for me, I just stopped talking about it for a long time, and 5 years later we have our second! Good luck!

[Mamja]

I'm sorry your DH feels that way. I was the same way, I go through phases where I don't want any more kids. But as she starts growing up (well, she's only two months old) and does new things, I realize how amazing it is to have a baby. Hopefully your DH will start to change his mind as you both watch Calli grow up.

[jlbaby]

your sweet calli is still so new, things will change as she gets older. i remember that #1 was particularly hard on my relationship with DH, it definitely put our marriage to the test. you anticipate all kinds of changes when a baby enters your lives, but you really can't know how you will deal with it until the time comes. somehow after having #2, i feel that our relationship is stronger. birth is such a beautiful and miraculous thing, but it is also emotionally and physically draining, for both mom and dad. you both need time to adjust for sure. go easy on yourself (and DH, sounds like he is struggling with it as much as you). love yourself and your beautiful daughter, and in due time you will both probably find yourselves talking about a sibling for calli.

[trimestersdoula]

Thanks so much everyone. I thought that is what he probably needed....time. Today though, he all of a sudden asked if I thought I could handle a second child.

Maybe that is all he needed. Is to get his feelings out and have a chance to work through them. We shall see.

This MUST have been really hard on him. I didn't realize it at the time. I guess I was probably a bit selfish during those days in the hospital. I never even thought about the fact that it may have traumatized him/scared him etc. as well and that he would have to work through the birth just as I have had to.

I feel really bad that I never thought about his feelings.

[jlbaby]

Originally Posted by trimestersdoula

I feel really bad that I never thought about his feelings.

who has time, though?? seriously - birth is so intense for the mother, and everyone is supposed to be "mothering the mother", as it were.....we need to focus on ourselves during this journey, it is so special and personal. i think since you both went through such an intense birth experience, DH was unable to help "mother" you since he was so freaked out himself. he probably feels bad about that, too....but you had every right to be "selfish" during this time.

hopefully your DD is going great, and you can both enjoy her while healing and recovering from the magnitude of your experience.