How to make sure a child isn't too sheltered?

[Anne2008]

I was raised in a very sheltered strictly religious family. I had a happy childhood and have great parents and siblings. I was a happy social outgoing child. When I was 9 we moved far away, I found that hard, but made some friends at school and seemed to settle in okay. At 11 years old, I had to change schools again. This I found extremely difficult because the school was very rough, the other kids came from very rough families, I was the only one who came from a religious family. It was a wake up call to me, that a lot of people didnt have the protected sheltered life I had.

I wonder if being so sheltered was such a good thing looking back. It was such a shock for me to be around these other kids who were WILD in comparison to everyone else I knew. Maybe I should have been shown this before? But I don't know how my parents could have really prepared me for it.

The fear of the other kids and teachers who were so rough compared to everyone I had previously encountered and spent time with, was too much for me to cope with.

Its' difficult to describe. It was a huge deal to me at the time, and I think it's had a big impact on how I interact with people. I was so different to all the other kids I found it hard to make any friends, there was on girl I hung around with but even she was crazy and wild. I didn't know how to react to them or how to be around them. I hated every day at that school because everyone, uncluding the teachers, were so rough. I also didn't know how to stand up for myself,

I wouldn't change my upbringing or my parents because I was very happy at home and had a loving caring family, however I wonder what they could have done to prepare me for being thrust into that very rough school environment. Was there anything they could have done? Was the problem with me?
What can I do to prepare my DS for "the real world"? where he won't be sheltered etc.

Thoughts?

[candiland]

Hmm, that's a very good question.

I think it's virtually impossible to prepare for every life scenario in advance. It sounds like you had a rough time in school and you'd like to find a way for your own child to somehow escape the more difficult, sometimes traumatic aspects of life. Unfortunately, the only thing we, as parents, can do is to try to give them a set of life tools to utilize when the going gets rough.

Were you able to communicate with your parents effectively about your situation at school? Were they receptive? If your own child faces difficulties when he's older, will you trust your gut when it tells you he needs to stay strong and overcome the challenge or when it tells you you need to take action to change his environment, or whatever else may be causing the issue he's facing?

I think it has less to do with being "sheltered" than it does having a strong family bond where the child can communicate his/her needs and fears freely.

[Jessy1019]

I don't shelter my kids at all, and I wasn't sheltered as a child -- though I didn't have "rough" family situation at all. My parents were very loving and supportive, but they didn't hide anything from me and I always knew I could approach them with anything and they would help me sort it out. They didn't restrict my media access, my friendships, etc. I do the same with my kids -- and discuss things as they come up.

What I try to keep in mind is that during this time with my children, my job is to prepare them to live independently in the world. I'm not interested in sheltering them or protecting them from reality -- I'm interested in teaching them and modeling for them so that they can cope with reality.

[The4OfUs]

I posted on your thread in the Personal Growth forum...

[LionTigerBear]

I think it's definitely good to "shelter" young kids, and even older kids to a certain degree. The key is in listening to their cues when they show signs of being ready to start exploring their world more, and knowing how to continue to keep them safe while allowing them room to grow.
This can vary from child to child, too.

Sheltering means protecting. You can still expose them to a variety of experiences, but it's important to protect them. And I agree that you cannot prepare children for every life situation, nor is it possible to expose them to every possible kind of diversity in one childhood-- but you can still make exploration fo the world a priority.

In the situation you described from your preteens, in my opinion as a parent, I would have to say that I am sorry you were in that situation, and it sounds like it was not a good situation for any of the children there. Just because they were used to it doesn't make it a good thing. I would not expect my children to "fit in" in such a rough environment-- that would not be healthy (IMO). However, I would hope to arm them with the emotional resilience to be able to survive in such a situation should it occur. But I would definitely feel it my duty to protect them from such a situation in the first place if at all possible.

[lolar2]

I switched schools a lot as a child b/c we moved often. Most, luckily for me, were super-cushy but a couple of them were rough. My parents (esp. my mother) would always try to put me in touch w/ students from whatever new school ahead of time so I'd know what to expect. It helped. They also tried to keep me up-to-date on current events at an age-appropriate level.

[EnviroBecca]

My partner was not excessively sheltered by his parents: They discussed current events in front of him, they let him watch a wide variety of TV and movies with their guidance, and they lived in a big city where they often took public transit and walked around downtown. However, his elementary school was about 90% "rough" kids because most of the "less rough" families in the neighborhood used private schools. He went to that school for 9 years and always found those kids daunting and felt like an outsider. However, he did not find those kids' behavior or interests all that shocking--just unappealing and an annoying distraction from academics.

So, I think that only part of your bad experience came from being sheltered: the shocked feeling. You can help your child avoid this by gradually, starting early, letting him be aware that there are many different kinds of people who do things many different ways. Get some of this from books and TV, some from going out in public esp. in places with a lot of diversity. When you see something that seems to make your child uncomfortable or that bothers YOU, talk about why you don't do that and speculate on the possible reasons those people do it. Try for a combination of sympathy for people who may be suffering and respect for individual choices.

The other part of your experience came from being different. Sometimes that happens. You can try to avoid putting your child into situations where he's the ONLY different one, but at various points of his life in various ways he's going to be a minority. That's okay. In my childhood I often felt as if my family was "foreign" because, although both parents are American-born and my dad grew up in the same state I did, we were different from the local norm in our religion, the way we ate, the entertainment we preferred, our style of housekeeping, and other things. At school it was difficult not "fitting in", but I loved my home life and didn't want to change it. My parents did pretty well at discussing the specific issues (for example, did I want to keep on having waist-length hair or cut it?) with me in a way that affirmed my right to make my own choices but also acknowledged my desire to feel "normal", and they often shared stories of their own childhood decisions. We also talked about "rough" kids and feeling pressured to do what they did or being teased by them, and again, hearing that my parents KNOW HOW IT IS to be a kid in those situations was very important and helpful.

I know you don't want your sweet baby to have experiences like the ones you still can't quite get over! I feel the same way. What I'm trying to do is to resist "sheltering" him by setting up barricades to block all possible harm, and instead to make our home and my relationship with him "shelters" where he always can come in and feel safe and recuperate so he's ready to face the outside world again.

[jeteaa]

Originally Posted by Anne2008

This I found extremely difficult because the school was very rough, the other kids came from very rough families, I was the only one who came from a religious family. It was a wake up call to me, that a lot of people didnt have the protected sheltered life I had.

IThoughts?

How do you know you were the only one to come from a religious family? Parents sheltering thier kids can come in many forms. The fact that you went to school says to me that you weren't all that sheltered. Now, if you were home schooled and only learned about your abc's 123's and the bible and were only allowed to socialize w/ other kids from your religion... thats sheltered. So just letting your dc learn about the world, meet a variety of people.... he should be fine.