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1...2...3...

post #1 of 30
Thread Starter 
Any alternatives? When DD (3.5) isnt listening Dh uses this to get her going. I recently found out that her preschool uses it too - and she has started counting to 3 with me and it drives me NUTS! I dont like the way it sounds, and to me it is really rude. I talked to DH about it today and he asked what else we could use. Any suggestions?
post #2 of 30
There is a huge thread on counting to three on this page so there are probably plenty of suggestions.

I tried it a couple times but DD just thought we were practicing counting so I gave up.

I usually just give her time to comply with a reminder sometimes. If I need to get somewhere and need her cooperation I try to make it a game, a race or fun somehow.

For clean-up time I sing the clean-up song. "It's clean-up time, everybody helps" and then I describe what they are doing or what I want them to do "DS is putting the blocks away".
post #3 of 30
IMO, counting to three (or whatever number) is a threat. Threats don't feel good to me.

The book How to Talk so your kids will listen..... has a suggestion to "say it with a word" - I've found that helps a lot. I'll ask DS to do something - please put the wrapper in the trash. I'll remind him again if he doesn't do it right away. Then I might say, "Allen, the wrapper!" and when he looks at me, b/c I got his attention, I'll say something like, "You forgot!" as if he is totally normal and it's something we all do. I might even say, "Sometimes I forget to do things, so I need a reminder." or something like that.

I've found everything is more effective when I treat him respectfully, like I'd like to be treated. If my husband counted at me b/c I was sidetracked and tuning him out, I would be really upset, so why do it to my child?
post #4 of 30
LMAO! I have heard people in stores using that and it cracks me up...

What happens when you get to four? Is there an "or else?".

I have never been able to wrap my brain around that little threat. But, I am sure there is a reason for it. I just haven't understood it yet.
post #5 of 30
Thread Starter 
I dont understand it either - and it drives me nuts when DH does it. I guess i just needed to hear from other people WHY it is pointless. And perhaps worse than that its RUDE. Ok, off to find the big thread. Thanks girls!
post #6 of 30
The rudeness! That's why it bugs me so much! Wow, yeah, I sure would hate someone counting to me.

It also generally indicates a who child-rearing philosophy that's anti-GD. Check out threads here about "1-2-3 Magic", a popular parenting book that features that effing counting.
post #7 of 30
I don't think it's unreasonable to have a "time limit" to your "word" (from how to talk so your kids will listen...)--either they can choose to do it themselves within a reasonable time period, or you can HELP them do it if they let the time period expire. It's setting up a reasonable boundary...and if they don't accomplish their goal, you help them reach it. I don't think it's helpful to kids if they don't know what's going to happen after 3--that needs to be explained:

(after a "warning" that we're going to leave the house...)
Mom: time to go! Coat!
Kid: (ignores mom)
Mom: Coat!
Kid: (ignores mom)
Mom: (child's name), it's time to leave--it's cold outside. We must put our coats on. If you don't put it on by the time I count to three, I will help you put it on.
Kid: (ignores mom)
Mom: 1-2-3, (puts kid's coat on). let's go!

I don't know--I'm no expert, but kids, especially when they are boundary testing...need time boundaries as well...you could always have a different "kind" of "timer"--set a real timer, have them accomplish the goal by the end of a silly song you sing, get them to race you, make it a game, move them physically (in a fun way), something...
post #8 of 30
post #9 of 30

question

and what about counting to 3 (12, in our case, cause he loves 12) when I nurse him??

He (ds ) is 2/5 and sometimes ds2 starts crying and I want ds1 to stop nursing, so I say: I will count to 12 and we are done.
Or in the night, when I prefer to sleep and do not feel like nursing ds1 ( :-( ) (feeling touched out after nursing ds2 for hours.....) I also tell him: I will count to 12.....

IS that the same "bad"thing??
post #10 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moonchild77 View Post
and what about counting to 3 (12, in our case, cause he loves 12) when I nurse him??

He (ds ) is 2/5 and sometimes ds2 starts crying and I want ds1 to stop nursing, so I say: I will count to 12 and we are done.
Or in the night, when I prefer to sleep and do not feel like nursing ds1 ( :-( ) (feeling touched out after nursing ds2 for hours.....) I also tell him: I will count to 12.....

IS that the same "bad"thing??
IMO, no. the counting gives them time to savor the last bit. when I'm enjoying something, I pay attention to how much is left, and try to enjoy it more before it is gone.

I'm not into counting to get compliance.
post #11 of 30
I don't know if this will be of any help here or not, but my mom bought a book for me titled "Have A New Kid by Friday." Then she read it first; I'm a single mom sole support of 2 sm children and mom cares for them while I work. Any rate she started to implement the ideas in the book with my children and it works. I have seen an AWESOME improvement especially with my ds.

Then again she has more patience than me. The main concept she says is: Get the child's total attention on you, then say what your going to say ONCE, than turn around and walk away.

If your child doesn't obey, you're not to raise your voice, don't threaten, remind, or lecture. You simply take action - which can be removing the child from the room for 5 minutes, taking a beloved toy off the child, forbidding a dvd or video or tv program, or an activity the child wants to do, whatever.

Then when your child asks or whines "Why?" You tell him/her "When I asked you to do 'whatever' you didn't do it, so I can't allow you this." Sometimes she has to repeat the situation a second time, but rarely a third.

Afterward, she just says "Do whatever," and he instantly does it. She doesn't raise her voice, she never counts, doesn't give him a thunderous look, just uses a normal voice and he responds.

My ds is 3 1/2, his sis is 20 months and even she understands, doesn't always follow through but with my mom they're 100% better than with me. My mom says she wishes she'd had this book when my brothers and I were little. It would have saved a lot of tears and voices [yelling and screaming].

Anyway the book is "Have A New Kid by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leman, she got it from www.amazon.com.
post #12 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsfatty View Post
I don't think it's unreasonable to have a "time limit" to your "word" (from how to talk so your kids will listen...)--either they can choose to do it themselves within a reasonable time period, or you can HELP them do it if they let the time period expire. It's setting up a reasonable boundary...and if they don't accomplish their goal, you help them reach it. I don't think it's helpful to kids if they don't know what's going to happen after 3--that needs to be explained:

(after a "warning" that we're going to leave the house...)
Mom: time to go! Coat!
Kid: (ignores mom)
Mom: Coat!
Kid: (ignores mom)
Mom: (child's name), it's time to leave--it's cold outside. We must put our coats on. If you don't put it on by the time I count to three, I will help you put it on.
Kid: (ignores mom)
Mom: 1-2-3, (puts kid's coat on). let's go!

I don't know--I'm no expert, but kids, especially when they are boundary testing...need time boundaries as well...you could always have a different "kind" of "timer"--set a real timer, have them accomplish the goal by the end of a silly song you sing, get them to race you, make it a game, move them physically (in a fun way), something...
: I have a highly spirited 3 yo dd and despite my initial hesitation counting actually works. She is a child that needs boundaries and limits and like the example above, for us counting is gentle. In many cases we don't get past 2 but when it does happen, she knows what is going on.

I don't feel comfortable saying anyone who uses 123, I have been parenting almost 17 years now and I have learned that different kids require different approaches. My eldest was a laid back kid who I never had to count with but my youngest is 180 degrees from her brother.

Shay
post #13 of 30
I am in the minority here because I do count with DS and always follow through if he doesn't listen when I get to three. I don't find it rude, I think its rude when he ignores my requests. I know that he can hear me but he chooses to not do what I ask. I always make sure to have his attention, ask him to put his "listening ears" on and if he continues to ignore me I begin to count. For about the last six months I've never had to get beyond 2.

With that being said, I really like the idea that Luv2bamommy2 suggested. It sounds like a method to ensure your child really listens to you and what you are asking.
post #14 of 30
My husband and I count 1-2-3. However, I am uncomfortable with it and I am looking to change things up. It works very well with my son actually. We have never gotten to 3. But my husband and I often ask eachother, "What will we do if we ever get to 3?" It is a threat and we don't know what we are threatening...DS is going to test us some day and we won't have a response. Also, I don't think this approach will work with my DD (14 months) when she gets older. She is not laid back like my son. She is going to be more independent and willful I think.
post #15 of 30
This is hilarious. Right after I posted, my husband told me that he actually got to 3 yesterday. My son looked at him scared and said, "Why did you get to three?" He was clearly afraid of what was going to happen. So my husband said, "I was really counting to 5 this time."
post #16 of 30
I count with ds (25 months) for help with transitions and choices. Like tonight, it was time for bed and he was very engrossed with his play animals. He knew it was time for bed and so I told him he could choose two animals to take to bed with him. Five minutes later, he was still choosing. So I told him I was going to count to three and then I would help him choose an animal if he still hadn't decided. And followed through. We also count when we wash hands or when it's time to get out of the bathtub ("Okay, it's time to turn off the water now, ready? One, two, threeeee!")

I'm not sure I agree with counting when it's used as a threat - "do this or *something bad* will happen". My parents counted A LOT and for me it was just a game to see how long they would stretch it out - one, two, two and a half, two and three quarters... - and what they would do once they actually got to three. I could often talk/beg my way out of the spanking that was supposed to follow. With my younger brother it was very effective - my mom said they rarely got to three with him - but he's much more laid back than I am.
post #17 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by nextcommercial View Post
LMAO! I have heard people in stores using that and it cracks me up...

What happens when you get to four? Is there an "or else?".

I have never been able to wrap my brain around that little threat. But, I am sure there is a reason for it. I just haven't understood it yet.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ErinsJuneBug View Post
I dont understand it either - and it drives me nuts when DH does it. I guess i just needed to hear from other people WHY it is pointless. And perhaps worse than that its RUDE. Ok, off to find the big thread. Thanks girls!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bleu View Post
The rudeness! That's why it bugs me so much! Wow, yeah, I sure would hate someone counting to me.

It also generally indicates a who child-rearing philosophy that's anti-GD. Check out threads here about "1-2-3 Magic", a popular parenting book that features that effing counting.
Wow. I'm a little disappointed at the comments here. I am an extremely GD-focused parent who does count. I also pride myself on my courtesy, kindness, and patience.

I did read 1-2-3 Magic... like anything, I took what I liked and left the rest.

With some children, who are perhaps extremely spirited, intelligent, and driven, an approach like counting (be it to 3, 5, or 12) seems to tap into that drive. It isn't always a threat... for our family it's a "beat-the-clock" strategy!

Dh was an athlete, he still responds to sports terminology. When he is being intolerable (like grousing about, cursing, barking, name calling...) I have pulled off a paper-towel and tossed it on the floor calling out "Penalty. Illegal use of name-calling!" We laugh and dh says, "Shoot! Off to the penalty box." He'll sit on the couch for a minute, and then he comes and apologizes...

Like her dad, dd is very driven and competetive. She is pokey, like most kids, but sometimes I can't afford to be patient for a half hour while she watches the end of her program, and I'm not going to just bull-doze in and turn it off and coerce her into movement. We talk about being pokey puppies, and that sometimes we gotta hurry scurry.

Out of curiosity, mostly, I tried the counting piece out on her with the "threat" that if she didn't "comply" by the time I get to 3, she loses. If she loses, then she didn't win. There's no actual loss, here, except maybe time to dawdle. The worse case scenario is that I step in front of her program and ask for eye-contact, then I talk with her about the fact that I could sure use her help, we have a responsibility, and will she please be a team-player.

To be honest, I think that's the threat... that she'll get a mini-lecture. She doesn't love sitting still and being talked to about her behavior, or her role in things, because she knows... so not "complying" may get her a little talk. She'd rather beat-the-clock than get a talk.
post #18 of 30
Yeah, I really liked what msfatty said, that's how we do it. Also petitchou.

In our house, you get an explicit description of what's going to happen. Like, "If your carseat is not buckled when I get to 5, I am going to help you buckle it. 1...2..."

I don't see that as rude at all. It introduces the consequence (if you choose not to do it on your own, someone will have to help you -- not a punishment, but often an undesired result for a 3yo) and gives a stated amount of time to do what needs to be done. There's no threatening, no mystery. Around here we use it when boundary testing is going on, or when general screwing around when we need to be getting out the door or off to bed or whatever is going on.
post #19 of 30
I guess for me and my kids, the counting does imply a threat. I'm not quite sure why, in the carseat example, you couldn't just say, "Are you having trouble getting in your seat? I can help you if you need help". When I use counting or the if/then scenario, I always feel kind of angry inside, and like I'm assuming the worst about my kids (that they want to be "oppositional) rather than helpful.

Most of the time my kids do listen, particularly if I am respectful and get down to their level to make my request. However, if my dd2 didn't (for example) take her napkin to the kitchen after dinner, I would probably say, "No, I asked you to take your napkin to the kitchen" and actually take her hand and grasp the napkin. She is a pretty kinesthetic (sp) learner, however - she learns best by doing - so sometimes some hand-over-hand will help her.
post #20 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by ktmama View Post
<snip>
However, if my dd2 didn't (for example) take her napkin to the kitchen after dinner, I would probably say, "No, I asked you to take your napkin to the kitchen" and actually take her hand and grasp the napkin. She is a pretty kinesthetic (sp) learner, however - she learns best by doing - so sometimes some hand-over-hand will help her.
See this is a perfect example of each their own. I would feel coercive if I were to (and do feel so when I have felt I had to) hold her hand and physically move her in the direction I want her to go in. I might as easliy ask a mohter whp uses this technoque, "Why don't you just say something like 'Oh, I see you forgot your napkin, here I'll hand it to you."

To each their own...
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