Homebirth in April but no family or friends to help, wwyd?

[Goatriffic]

I am pregnant with #5 and due in April. With #4 I had a homebirth and my midwife was awesome but my DH wasn't. He was nervous and focused on other crap and not me, which kind of sucked. We had planned for the younger 2 kids to go to his grandmothers during the birth and my oldest was given the option of staying if she wanted to, which she did. My MIL came over to keep my oldest busy and she was here for the majority of my labor and left a few hours after the baby was born. I didn't really want her there for the birth but she was our only option because I have no other family here and no friends.

I want things to be different this time. But I'm in exactly the same situation. No friends or family at all to ask for help. Even my DH's grandmother is working now and may not be available to watch any of the kids. I've told the older 3 that they may stay here for the birth but I want an adult here to keep them busy or take them to the park or whatever if they get uncomfortable. My youngest will only be 21 months old when this one is born. I don't want to ask my MIL. Not only am I uncomfortable with her being at the birth, she is out of work on disability and I'm not sure she can physically handle caring for the kids. I feel like I'm stuck and have no options. I'm working on my DH so hopefully he'll be more "there" for me, but if we have no child care options he may have to be focused on the kids during the birth. My oldest will be a big help with the kids, I know, but I feel like we need another adult.

I'm having bad dreams about going into hard labor in the late afternoon, just as all the kids get home from school. In the dream I'm in hard labor trying to get my youngest in her stroller so we can go pick up my son from school. I feel completely alone with no options. I've talked to my husband and he assures me we'll figure something out, but he usually flys by the seat of his pants and I need a plan to relax. Has anyone else been in this situation before? And ideas? I'm praying I go into labor in the middle of the night, but unfortunately I'm really loud during labor and I'm pretty sure I'll wake up at least some of the kids. WWYD?

[ee_lime]

You could network in your tribal area here on MDC. Maybe someone has an older daughter that could come over and help with the kids for a little spending money. A teenager who is familiar and comfortable with homebirth.

[katmann]

A doula might be helpful with the kids and your labor. It might be expensive, but if DH complains you should just tell him to suck it up and find a way to afford it or else be a more supportive partner. If you need someone to rely on, then that's what you need. And in order to have a healthy baby and a positive birth experience, your needs should come first.

I know in my area there's a La Leche League group that meets once a month. Even though they focus on breastfeeding, they still welcome pregnant women (I'm due with my first in Jan and going to my first meeting in December). Maybe you could meet someone supportive there who could help you with your kids during labor, or just be there to support you. At the very least, it might be a good way to make friends with other moms in your area.

[barefootpoetry]

You could kill two birds with one stone and have DH shepherd the kids. That way he is not hanging around being anxious and in-the-way, and the kids are occupied as well.

[devon]

That is our situation - we have friends but not someone to take care of the kids 24/7 whenever labor happens. No family within 8 hours.

I suggest hiring a doula for you and let DH deal with the kids (you could get a doula who is training and may do it for free/reduced price) or look to hiring someone to stay with the kids. We actually found out my DS2 preschool teacher is looking for people to doula to have for her certification (through a random conversation) and it turns out she is going to do it but is comfortable knowing that she may be also watching the kids (or at least taking turns with my DH). Helping the laboring mother is what they do, so many might be comfortable in a combo role of 'childcare doula' - that is what I need my help with!

good luck. We are only having #3 but I had the same concerns as you (and am still a little nervous how it will all play out!)

[Goatriffic]

Thanks for the ideas! I think DH will be more supportive this time. #4 is our first baby together and his first experience with birth and he was a little nervous about homebirth to begin with. This time he's way more comfortable with the process and I think he'll step up. If he doesn't I'm ok with him focusing on the kids and being in and out while I'm in labor. I'm going to look into finding a doula who may be open to helping with childcare. I don't know that we'll be able to afford it though. The cost of the homebirth is going to be very difficult to come up with since it's all out of pocket. I just wish this were easier so I could look forward to the birth and not worry about it so much.

[devon]

What about seeing if you could find a 'doula in training'? I haven't talked to ours yet about the cost but from what I've heard, they have to get the training and a certain number of births to get their certification so may be cheaper. Or, my MW even suggested looking at the women's studies dept. at our local university (one of the Big10 schools). She said she gets a lot of calls from grad students there who are interested in midwifery and considering going into midwifery school, and asking questions/observing prenatal visits. She suggested if we didn't find anythig else (since money is an issue obviously with paying out of pocket for the MW) that we might be able to find someone there who is good with kids/babysits and who would be so excited to have the opportunity of even being i a home where a HB is taking place that we wouldn't have to pay them. Just a thought.

[rockportmidwife]

I am in a similar situation. Fortunately my boys are 10 and 13, so they can pretty much take care of themselves. My midwives are awesome and I am very close to them, so I think that if SO is failing on the support end they will step up fine. I am actually a little more worried about post partum support than labor support.

[Goatriffic]

Originally Posted by rockportmidwife

I am actually a little more worried about post partum support than labor support.

I am definitely worried about this as well, especially considering I have a history of PPD. My last birth was in the summer so I knew I didn't have to worry about getting anyone up and out the door. We all pretty much hung out in our PJs for a couple of weeks and my oldest was a huge help. But with this birth being in April I will still need to get up every morning and get the kids ready and off to school. Then caring for my youngest who will only be 21 months. Plus my DH may only be able to take a few days off work and I just can't imagine being 4 or 5 days PP and doing the normal routine alone. Anyway, it's nice to know I'm not the only one in this situation. Everyone I know IRL has a great support system and I seem like a complete freak.

[KBinSATX]

We hired a teenager to come play with my 2 year old a few weeks in advance. By the time his little sister was born he loved his 'big sister/babysitter' and she was on call and came right over when I went into labor.
It worked out great and was well worth the money knowing DS was happy and taken care off so I coukld focus on giving birth.

[Peppamint]

I would recommend a PP doula if you can swing it. I realllly wish I had found a way to do it for myself because my dh had to go back to work when I was 24 hours PP and we couldn't afford for him to take time off unpaid.

I did too much, too soon and I still feel it to this day... 2.5 years later.

Some of the local doulas are trying out a practice of offering a package deal... for a set fee you get discounted services from a birth doula and discounted services from a postpartum doula. Maybe you could find something like that where you live?

[barefootpoetry]

A novice PP doula would be a great idea. A friend of mine was just starting to work as a PP doula when I had my first baby, and she was offering her services for FREE just to get experience. If you can find someone like that, it would be great. Or find someone who could be a "mother's helper" that could come over for a few hours every day, help get the kids up and otu the door, do a little housework, etc. A teenager would probably be willing to do this for pretty cheap.

[rockportmidwife]

Unfortunately my area is very limited. We don't have any PP doulas. We only have one labor doula. My boys are homeschooled, so at least I don't have to worry about getting up to get them out the door. We will do school as I feel up to it. They haven't had any holidays off except Thanksgiving Day, so that I don't have to worry about us getting behind.

[acp]

I'd ask your mw for suggestions too, and post in FYT section. I mentioned to my mw at my last appt that I"m not sure what I'll do for care for DD if I go into labor the week before my due date, since my mother will be gone that whole week, and there aren't any good friends we can ask then either. We may still find some other options, but she mentioned that she knows a doula-in-training who is specifically hiring herself out to help with siblings at home births in order to get more experience. THat's definitely an option I'm going to look into.

[boom1128]

we are in a similar situation. my mom moved away earlier this year, she had watched my other kids when i had #2 and #3. my grandparents live about an hour away and are just too old to keep up with my kids. they are our emergency back up if we need them though. no other family or friends that i want here. my MIL was supposed to come down but now its not looking like she will be. to be honest i really don't want anyone here anyways. my older girls, 7 and 5, i am not worried about. my 2yo, well she could be iffy. i got 3 new movies and 2 new little toys for them and i put their blocks up about 2 months ago. so if i need to distract them, i will give them the new toys, pull down the blocks, and/or put on a new movie. i am a little worried but am hoping for the best.

[AnnR33]

When we moved across country I was 6 mos pregnant. We didn't know a single person where we were moving. Even though my in-laws said they would fly out to help with the kids I wondered about if the baby came early and what would be we do after they left.
I totally agree with the pp that said to check out the tribal areas here at MDC. I put a few posts telling people where I was moving and that I'd love to meet other moms. Lots of moms responded and gave me great resources to meet moms including La Leche league and other AP group. I met some moms at parks and a few of these moms became very close friends that brought meals after the baby was born and one friend offered to watch the kids if needed around the birth time.
So don't be shy, be proactive and meet some new friends! MDC mamas are the best!