Today, my bestfriends child who I helped raise for two years, Caiden would have been 6. In a couple of days he will have been gone now for 2 months. I would have thought that the pain would have eased up some, but I think it's gotten worse.
His mom phoned me this morning at 7, crying of course. I wish I could help her with her pain more than I can. Though she says just knowing that I'm listening to her, is enough.
I didn't realize how hard the first's really are. Halloween was horrible! I cried all day, and his birthday is starting out the same. I feel so guilty because last year, his last birthday that he was ever alive, his mommy came to help me out. I had just had dd2 and she felt guilty over the fact that when I had dd1, Caiden was diagnosed with leukemia the day after dd1 was born. So, obviously she couldn't help me the way she wanted to. I never resented that she couldn't be with me when dd1 was born. In fact I felt guilty that I couldn't be sitting in the ICU with her and Caid, because I had just had a baby.
But both of us thought that it would be lovely if she could be with me when I had dd2. Caid was in remission at the time, and things were looking up. She was going to come for the birth, but then dd2 came sooner then expected. And she was having a birthday party for Caiden on the day she was born. So she waited a couple of days and came up to help me. But she ended up coming on her son's actual birthdate. And it turns out that it was his last birthday. I know I shouldn't feel guilty for that. But I do, I really really do.
I miss him so much. He was my first child in many many ways. And I don't want to accept that he is gone. But he is, he is. And I will never be able to sing, and laugh and play with him again. I feel so empty and lonely.
His mom phoned me this morning at 7, crying of course. I wish I could help her with her pain more than I can. Though she says just knowing that I'm listening to her, is enough.
I didn't realize how hard the first's really are. Halloween was horrible! I cried all day, and his birthday is starting out the same. I feel so guilty because last year, his last birthday that he was ever alive, his mommy came to help me out. I had just had dd2 and she felt guilty over the fact that when I had dd1, Caiden was diagnosed with leukemia the day after dd1 was born. So, obviously she couldn't help me the way she wanted to. I never resented that she couldn't be with me when dd1 was born. In fact I felt guilty that I couldn't be sitting in the ICU with her and Caid, because I had just had a baby.
But both of us thought that it would be lovely if she could be with me when I had dd2. Caid was in remission at the time, and things were looking up. She was going to come for the birth, but then dd2 came sooner then expected. And she was having a birthday party for Caiden on the day she was born. So she waited a couple of days and came up to help me. But she ended up coming on her son's actual birthdate. And it turns out that it was his last birthday. I know I shouldn't feel guilty for that. But I do, I really really do.
I miss him so much. He was my first child in many many ways. And I don't want to accept that he is gone. But he is, he is. And I will never be able to sing, and laugh and play with him again. I feel so empty and lonely.
mama. how wonderful you were able to be so much in his life even with your own two.
