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Help! I Just Found Out That My Friend Locks Her Toddlers In Their Rooms At Night And For Naps!!!!!! - Page 6

post #101 of 236
this makes me so sad. i just cant imagine as a kid being left in a room alone. i guess this is one of the many benefits of cosleeping with kids.
post #102 of 236
I haven't read all responses.
My dd has always been a child who doesn't sleep at night. When she gets into things it is expensive and destructive. It was suggested that I lock her in her room.
My solution was to stay awake with her. It's pretty hard to do that sometimes and it would be impossible if I couldn't sleep when she did. I understand the temptation to lock the door and get some sleep. I consider actually locking the door too much of a safety hazard though.

I wonder if a door alarm might help? or a reward chart- stay in bed and get rewarded?
post #103 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassionateWriter View Post
this makes me so sad. i just cant imagine as a kid being left in a room alone. i guess this is one of the many benefits of cosleeping with kids.
I coslept all of my 5 babies until they either asked to have their own space or until it became a safety issue. Cosleeping is not the issue here. Safety is the issue here. I find that incredibly offensive and completely judgmental.

I can't believe some of the ignorant comments being made, it's like that old saying "until you've walked a mile in their shoes, mind your own".
post #104 of 236
My dd doesn't want to cosleep. She likes her crib. She sleep MUCH better in there alone, and I sleep MUCH better in my bed alone.

I have a baby monitor on, and I go in the second she cries for me.

Her room is next to a dangerous staircase, and there is no way to gate this particular staircase. As soon as she is big enough to climb out of her crib and/or transitions to a big bed, I will be locking her door b/c I'm afraid she would creep out quietly and fall down the staircase without me waking up.
post #105 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by cotopaxi View Post
My dd doesn't want to cosleep. She likes her crib. She sleep MUCH better in there alone, and I sleep MUCH better in my bed alone.

I have a baby monitor on, and I go in the second she cries for me.

Her room is next to a dangerous staircase, and there is no way to gate this particular staircase. As soon as she is big enough to climb out of her crib and/or transitions to a big bed, I will be locking her door b/c I'm afraid she would creep out quietly and fall down the staircase without me waking up.
I'm having a hard time imagining a staircase that can't be gated.

OneStepAhead has lots of gate options:

http://www.onestepahead.com/catalog/...217&view=10000

including this one:

http://www.onestepahead.com/catalog/...tegoryId=85217
post #106 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post
I'm having a hard time imagining a staircase that can't be gated.

OneStepAhead has lots of gate options:

http://www.onestepahead.com/catalog/...217&view=10000

including this one:

http://www.onestepahead.com/catalog/...tegoryId=85217

If she's big enough to climb out of her crib she can easily climb over a gate.
post #107 of 236
Deer Hunter,

I think we've gotten off topic, but I do agree with you that your friend's reasoning is more the problem then the act of locking/lactching bedroom doors.

Hopefully, these toddlers will be in preschool soon and their mother can get her break without ignoring her kids.
post #108 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by moondiapers View Post
If she's big enough to climb out of her crib she can easily climb over a gate.
Or open it.

Le babe started climbing over any gate with a bar in the middle (so, any of the tension gates) at 13 months. He demonstrated at 26 months that he knew how to open our tall walk-through gate (one of the attached ones that doesn't have a bar in the middle; you have to push in a lever, lift the gate an inch and open it) at the top of the stairs. He learned how to get out of his room without making a noise the monitor would pick up at about 16 months.

I consider myself lucky, because all he does right now is make it down to the couch and start shouting "mommy, george tv please!"
post #109 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by primjillie View Post
I think most parents do the best they can for their situations and I don't feel locking their doors (as long as you respond when they really need you) is abuse at all.
I agree with this.

Frankly, I am rather appalled that so many have suggested calling CPS over this issue. They exist for instances of REAL abuse, and this is not it. Most parents try to do what is best for their kids and themselves. Locking doors to keep kids in their rooms at night is a relatively common practice and is not abuse in most circumstances.

If you don't want people calling CPS on you for your practices you believe are best for your kids, why suggest calling CPS on others who are trying to do their best also? I expected more compassion and understanding from the parents on this forum. If you want the freedom to raise your children the way you see fit, you should allow others the same right.
post #110 of 236
My best friend STILL locks her ds' door at night. Hes 5.:

She is extremely GD, and homeschools. But she still locks him in at night.

I have never said anythng to her about it. Shes not a bad parent. She just knows he has ADHD and will get up in the night and do things when she is asleep. Do I agree with it? No. But would I call CPS on her for that or lose a friendship over it? NO WAY.
post #111 of 236
I have not read ANY responses just the OP's first post and all I can say in my opinion it is abuse. Period. I am just speechless. Just speechless.
post #112 of 236
I have to say I don't agree with locking a toddler in their room at night alone, I'd be so paranoid about a fire. You know that here in WA there have been at least close to 10 children in the past month who have died in fires. They just didn't get out of the house. One family lost all 3 of their DDs in a fire, another family lost 2 of 7 children, and so did another the other day. Calling CPS, well I wouldn't do that, but I would be calling your friend and trying to talk some sense into her.

I also feel bad for the little guy who is potty trained and he has to use his little potty in his room, my DD wakes up once a night to go potty and my DH usually takes her down. I can't imagine just putting the potty in her room, but that's just me.

For me locking the doors is a safety issue, just seeing all those poor families recently whose children died in fires makes this bothersome. House fires are inherently fast moving and very dangerous.
post #113 of 236
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Murihiku View Post
I've had my kneejerk reaction to locked doors modified by reading this thread, and I think this sentence now summarizes my new position (although I would remove the qualifier "really"). Children are different and require different safety measures I guess. A locked door is an unnecessary danger, unless an unlocked door is more dangerous--as it might be in some cases. I do still think what the OP's friend is doing is abusive.


I still hold my position in that I'll NEVER lock my child's door. It was not done to me, so I will not do it to them. I would not want that done to me. I would do unto child as I want done to me, and I'd rather stay in a crib instead of being locked in a room. My experience with special needs people, as well as children along with my own childhood has formulated my strong stand on this.

One time, when I was in the infirmary in the special needs residential school I attended in childhood, I was placed in the crib to sleep since that I was small--still am the same size as I was in fourth grade--and they needed to reserve the beds for those of average height. I complied, as I understood, but the nurses were just a call away. It was a youth crib--the cage that you saw. It was not the inviting customized crib. They kept the door open so I was not so scared, as it was already nerve racking being trapped. It also helped that I had my cell phone with me. That was very reassuring. I kept books along with some coloring books and some toys with me. I was fourteen at the time in my freshman year of high school.

In the special needs school I attended, it was against school policy to lock children in their rooms. Staff that did it got in severe, and I mean severe trouble. The crib option was always taken if a child was a wonderer, and there were many of those considering the school was for special needs children.

I loved that school. I've learned and experienced so much there. I would not trade that experience for the world.
post #114 of 236
When my oldest was between 2 and 31/2 I had a safety knob on the inside of her door (basically locking her in because she could not open it) I did it for safety reasons, if my house caught on fire I do not want my toddler wandering around and me searching for her. If she could not get out then the only place she could be in case of fire was right there in her room! Once she was old enough to understand to stay put and mommy or daddy would come get her if anything happened I removed the knob.

That said, I did not shut the door tight until she was already asleep and there was a monitor in her room that she knew she could talk into and I would come right away.

None of the kids have their doors shut anymore but we have a tri-level, kids on top level, dh and I on lower level. We still keep a monitor in the bathroom on their level so they can ask for us at night. (better yet is that for the most part they will now just come down stairs and crawl in bed with us without waking us
post #115 of 236
In the issue of a fire I would think it would be much more dangerous for a toddler to be able to get out of their room before the parent's could get to them. I say this because I would assume the child would get scared and run for a closet or somewhere. Then you go to get your child and get out of the house and you can't find him. He could be anywhere... upstairs, downstairs, a bathroom, a closet, under a bed... you just wouldn't know. I'd have to think it would be much, much more dangerous.
post #116 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissinNYC View Post
I just went to a training in fire safety and the firefighters really stressed that everyone should sleep with their doors shut (not locked). They said that doors save lives- many times the only thing that keeps kids from death is that their door is shut and the fire takes longer to get in.
So what do you do if your child is terrified of sleeping with the door closed? (This is the case for ds. It's not a rational fear. He tends toward anxiety, and I really don't want to push it.)
post #117 of 236
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassionateWriter View Post
this makes me so sad. i just cant imagine as a kid being left in a room alone. i guess this is one of the many benefits of cosleeping with kids.


And a goo mother, such as mine, that listened to her children. Yes, my mother believes in CIO, unfortunately, and we've had many good discussions about our differences. But because of my special needs, I was always with my parents. I can only remember one night where I was left alone in the crib that was in my parents room to CIO at two-and-a-half. I remember soiling my diaper and being terrified. I could tell you where exactly the crib was and how I was lying. I was lying on my left side with my fists balled in the fetal position. No relief was forthcoming. I don't remember it ever happening again after that. I spent most of my babyhood in hospital, and I was pretty much always with my parents, however, I was around to see my siblings go through some pretty tough bouts of CIO. I remember one experience that traumitized me to this day of my younger sister screaming in her crib for over an hour. She was so upset that she began shaking the crib. It was hitting the wall and rattling back and forth. Nobody came to rescue her. It was too much for me that I shut myself in my room, threw myself down and cried until it stopped. Since as a small child, I even had enough common sense that you did not do that to a baby.

When my mother had our last heart to heart conversation about CIO and stuff, I told her my memories, and I could see that it pained her. I explained my reasons for not believing in it and how I will never do that to any child in my care or any child I give birth to. Never will my child have to get so distressed that he has to shake his crib back and forth. That is a bit much.

My sister was not the only child that did that. My BF told me about his Ex-wife's family. Before he met me, he was mainstream. He believed in letting a child CIO. He said that every night and for naps, they'd put the child to bed, let him scream, and when he'd rattle the crib like taht, my BF would go into the child's room, firmly tell him to cut it out and knock it off, and grab his legs out from under him to make him lie down. Because of the type of person my BF is, and because he is so receptive and calm and has been more than understanding of my autism, I never became raged at him, even whe he told me things like that. I've just talked it out. We've had disagreements but have never argued. We believing in calmly settling things and finding a solution. He is one of the very few people that I don't become enraged at. He is one of the few that I can calmly talk things through. Thankfully, he now thinks on my level after I've explained to him, and he now is more than considerate to the baby's needs for comfort. He hates himself for what he did in the past. But I've told him, "How can you hate yourself if that is all you knew? It is so sad because you were misled. You were misled because it is not in your nature to hurt someone because you are so sweet and considerate. You just thought it was to be done. The good thing is that you were willing to accept correction and you saw through it. Your common sense told you it was wrong and you were human about it. Don't beat yourself up about the past. You move forward now and continue to do the right thing. I have faith in you."

We plan to get married and make our own family.

Sorry for the rant. I felt those experiences had to be shared, as it coincided with everything.
post #118 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by primjillie View Post
I had to resort to locking my daughter's door when she was between 1 and 2. She had learned to climb out of her crib and would get up/sleepwalk all during the night.

I would argue that in cases of "special needs", i.e. sleep-walking or hard of hearing parents, then it's a different story. Locking the door is a last resort, not your first choice to get some time to yourself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by StarMom2 View Post
Honestly, I would much rather be locked in a room than in a crib/cage. At least in a room the kids have room to move about and play. OP, what makes you think locking a kid in a cage is preferable to locking the door?
What makes you think that all kids hate cribs? My ds loved his crib. He stayed in it, by HIS choice, until age FIVE. And even then, we only got him out of it by taking it down when we painted his room and not putting it back up. I think he'd STILL be sleeping in it today if we let him!

For our ds, his crib was a safe, secure place that protected him from sensory overload. For dd it wasn't. Ds used a crib, dd didn't much.
post #119 of 236
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post
So what do you do if your child is terrified of sleeping with the door closed? (This is the case for ds. It's not a rational fear. He tends toward anxiety, and I really don't want to push it.)


The same thing I wanted to ask. My little sister slept with her door open for the longest time. Maybe it was because she was forced to CIO all alone in her crib, who knows? But that is what she did. My parents never forced the issue. She slept with the door wide open with the hall light on.
post #120 of 236
I can see what you are saying, I just wouldn't feel comfortable knowing my child was locked in their room. I think that the saddest thing about many of these fires were the kids were in their rooms, they just didn't get out. House fires are scary.

I just don't really agree with locking the door, but I also am a mom who co-slept with DD until she was 2 and now she sleeps in a room attached to ours.
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