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Help! I Just Found Out That My Friend Locks Her Toddlers In Their Rooms At Night And For Naps!!!!!! - Page 7

post #121 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post
I would argue that in cases of "special needs", i.e. sleep-walking or hard of hearing parents, then it's a different story. Locking the door is a last resort, not your first choice to get some time to yourself.



What makes you think that all kids hate cribs? My ds loved his crib. He stayed in it, by HIS choice, until age FIVE. And even then, we only got him out of it by taking it down when we painted his room and not putting it back up. I think he'd STILL be sleeping in it today if we let him!

For our ds, his crib was a safe, secure place that protected him from sensory overload. For dd it wasn't. Ds used a crib, dd didn't much.
I think the person you quoted on that part was talking about the cribs for older kids. I'd never put my kid in one of those, either, though my ds sleeps in his regular crib every night.
post #122 of 236
How very sad

I think the major difference here is that the OP isn't talking about a parent who locks the door at night for safety concerns. This isn't a parent who is right next door, and has a monitor on so she can respond quickly if her children need her. It isn't a matter of the child knocking on the door in the morning so mommy can come get him.

I think it's terrible that the OP's friend is treating her children this way. I wonder what time she puts them in there at night, expecting them to not come out until morning? It sounds like she never got the memo that you are STILL A PARENT AT NIGHT. You can't just lock your kids in a room and ignore them so you can rest or do other things. It's cruel.

We put our dog in the laundry room at night, behind a gate. He has food, water, and his bed. But even if he barked or needed us during the night, we would get up and go to him...
post #123 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by funkymamajoy View Post
We put a child lock on the inside of DS's door too. He would get up and wander around the house without waking us up. We were afraid he would leave the house as he was tall enough and smart enough to unlock and open the outside doors. :

But we always responded to him if he called for us.
We have one on the inside of Paddy and Henri's room too. At our old house, their door got left open one night and I didn't know it. I felt something was up and I woke up to go check on Paddy and HE WASN'T THERE. I freaked out and started looking for him. I found him asleep downstairs, where I also found things on the floor he had gotten into that could have hurt him (and yes I THOUGHT he couldn't get to those things-they were sewing supplies!, but he got to them) But it was very scary.

The boys share a bedroom, and in the morning they get up and play with each other and act silly (I'm always awakened by insane giggling ). They aren't in there long because once I get up, I go down and get them ready for the day. I can always hear them at night and if anyone wakes up, DH or I are there for them immediately.

Paddy is getting old enough now that I don't worry about him wandering around at night, but Henri is still too young. Paddy sleeps in the playroom for naps, and I just leave the door open. In another year or so I'll probably be able to take the doorknob thing off, but until I am absolutely certain that they are mature enough to not go wandering and getting into trouble at night, the lock stays on.

I don't feel bad about my decision at all. I always care for my children at night, I would never just ignore their cries or say 'its my time, so I'm putting you in here and not letting you out"-that IS cruel.

And no, co-sleeping is not an option because we're co-sleeping with our 5 month old baby. Adding a 2 and 3 year old to the mix would just not be possible, and they wouldn't want to sleep with us anyhow
post #124 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by Murihiku View Post
I've had my kneejerk reaction to locked doors modified by reading this thread, and I think this sentence now summarizes my new position (although I would remove the qualifier "really").
It's nice to see that some people actually take other people's experiences into consideration in forming their own opinions.

Some didn't even bother to read the thread. It's disappointing how many people choose to deny or disregard the existence of any bit of evidence that might threaten their own pre-conceived notions. As mothers are entrusted with the intellectual development of their children, one would think they would all place great importance on modeling the ability to think critically, with full consideration of the facts at hand.
post #125 of 236
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post
I would argue that in cases of "special needs", i.e. sleep-walking or hard of hearing parents, then it's a different story. Locking the door is a last resort, not your first choice to get some time to yourself.



What makes you think that all kids hate cribs? My ds loved his crib. He stayed in it, by HIS choice, until age FIVE. And even then, we only got him out of it by taking it down when we painted his room and not putting it back up. I think he'd STILL be sleeping in it today if we let him!

For our ds, his crib was a safe, secure place that protected him from sensory overload. For dd it wasn't. Ds used a crib, dd didn't much.


I did not hate my crib. I was one of the lucky kids that was kept in my parents' room. The crib was near their bed. I only remember being left to CIO once, and that still haunts me to this day, but all else was good memories. I guess there are benefits to being special needs, as I was not put through what my siblings were in the department of CIO and the like. Perhaps, that is why they were so happy to get beds and get out o their crib. My reason for liking the crib could have been that I always had my parents in the same room at night and that I did not associate it with being isolated and cut off and being left to cry in fear. It could have been anything.

As a matter of fact, I felt secure in a baby crib. I'm not sure why. I knew I could climb out if needed. I can remember when my mother desperately needed me to sleep in my own room most of the time, though she did not mind the occasional crawl in the bed, she got me a crib and playpen at my request, as that is what I said I wanted. She was on her last child and needed to tend to her. She was an infant, and I was nine and a half when she was born. My mom felt it fitting for me to move on to my own room but said I could sleep with her when I felt I needed her. But at ten years of age, I gave that up altogether, as I felt okay sleeping without her; however, when I did craw into bed, it was like once or twice a week on average. For some reason, my strange requests is what I wanted to make me feel comfortable. Now that we know that autism/aspergers makes one very eccentric. But looking back on things, I'm so glad my mother followed all of my eccentricities, as strange as they were, not trying to force me into a mold that I was not. Her friend, also the mother of my friend, also kept a crib at her house for when I came over. Often times, my friend joined me there to sleep with me.

Thankfully, my parents and those around me that loved me never chastized me for my strange wants and desires. They were always supportive. My mom, though she did some things that upset me and I now understand why she did them, always wanted to make me happy. She strove to do that, even if it was a strange request. I will always remember her for that, and I'll do the same for my kids. I'm so thankful that I was allowed to be me and live them out. I'm so sad that other children do not have that luxury, as parents force them to conform to a social mold, even if it is uncomfortable to them. I've seen it even happen to autistic kids, and it is so unfair, as for the rest of their lives, people with autism/aspergers are going to need odd things to feel comforted.

Right now, I'm particulary attached to one doll. If I lose her, I'd freak out. She has to go with me to doctors appointments and to the dentist, as well as to the hospital. She has been bled on, chewed on by teething babies and toddlers--I let them have her when they were sad because I was right there with them, and since she provides me comfort, I know she will do the same for those babies and toddlers--snotted on from me crying while holding her and from toddlers who had runny noses, dropped, tossed about, adn so much more. Yet, I love her. I'm twenty-four almost, but it doesn't matter because I need to do what will help me cope. Trying to be something I'm not will only agrivate things. Yes, my parents supported CIO, and you guys know my feelings on that, but in all other things, I'm not sure what I'd do without them. I'm blessed I am their child. My mom, aside from some flaws but who doesn't have them, has allowed me to engage in any strange things that I feel are special interests at the time no matter my age without criticism. Thanks, mom! I love you. Now I know why I have an easier time coping than some people. It was my upbringing. My mother had to have been very tough, as I'm sure she was criticised deeply by others for allowing me to do what I did. Way to go, mom for standing up for me!
post #126 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post
I would argue that in cases of "special needs", i.e. sleep-walking or hard of hearing parents, then it's a different story. Locking the door is a last resort, not your first choice to get some time to yourself.



What makes you think that all kids hate cribs? My ds loved his crib. He stayed in it, by HIS choice, until age FIVE. And even then, we only got him out of it by taking it down when we painted his room and not putting it back up. I think he'd STILL be sleeping in it today if we let him!

For our ds, his crib was a safe, secure place that protected him from sensory overload. For dd it wasn't. Ds used a crib, dd didn't much.
I absolutely did not say that all kids hate cribs. I said I would rather be in a room than in one of those larger cage cribs. My kids both slept in cribs and did not mind them at all. I am talking about older children and the discussion about locking them in a room or in a cage. Personally, I would find the cage more abusive than locking a child in a room.
post #127 of 236
I haven't read all the responses.

I would also make a CPS report. I think locking kids in their room is very dangerous. I have no idea what CPS would do with my report but I'd call anyway. I'd also tell the person how dangerous it is if there was a fire.
post #128 of 236
My stomach flipped when I read this, Holy !!!!! Never mind any other possible reason to allow this to continue...sleepwalking, mom's sanity...whatever, I can't imagine that locking a child in a bedroom for the whole night, especially while the other adults are sleeping, is safe, legal, and humane!!! I would be talking to some of the local firemen, calling CPS..., even if the adults were awake, what if there was a fire between where the adults were and the kids, or the fire started in their room? What if something medically wrong happened to the adult and the kids were stuck in their room? What if, what if, what if...my DH sometimes calls me paranoid but horrible things do sometimes happen and there is no way that locking children in their rooms while asleep is ok, for safety reasons, mental reasons (C'mon we've all read/heard about VC Andrews books). Those kids are going to be scarred mentally for life, hopefully not physically.

Yep, as a PP said, speechless, horrified and sad.
post #129 of 236
Quote:
As a matter of fact, I felt secure in a baby crib. I'm not sure why. I knew I could climb out if needed. I can remember when my mother desperately needed me to sleep in my own room most of the time, though she did not mind the occasional crawl in the bed, she got me a crib and playpen at my request, as that is what I said I wanted. She was on her last child and needed to tend to her. She was an infant, and I was nine and a half when she was born.
So if you slept in the crib, what did you do in the playpen when you were nine and a half years old?
post #130 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post
I'm having a hard time imagining a staircase that can't be gated.
Well, I'm not making things up.

It's a weird, midcentury modern house that is more beautiful than practical. I've had two different contracters over to look at it - I told them no budget, if they could find a solution I'd pay for it - and they couldn't think of anything we could do with it. Basically there is no railing on either side for the first few steps, and it's in the middle of a large room, no walls nearby to mount anything too. And they are open steps, the kind with no back on them that kind of just hang in the air. And the floor beneath is hard slate stone, so a fall would be horrible, not just like sliding down the carpeted stairs in my parents' house. If she just caught a foot wrong, she could go sliding through the opening and smack onto the slate.

The upstairs part is gateable, and I paid over $1000 to have a permanent, very securely wall-mounted, very tall gate installed there for her safety. Our house is kind of backwards, with the kitchen, etc. upstairs and the bedrooms all downstairs, so we spend most of the day upstairs with the staircase gate up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Norasmomma View Post
I have to say I don't agree with locking a toddler in their room at night alone, I'd be so paranoid about a fire.
I can't imagine my nonverbal toddler would have a clue what to do in case of a fire whether her door was locked or not. Obviously my first move in a fire would be to sprint to her room. If anything I'd rather have her in there where I knew she was, with the door shielding some of the fire and smoke, than possibly wandering around the house. By the time she has enough understanding to react properly in case of a fire, I expect she will also be capable of climbing the stairs safely alone too, in which case I won't be locking her door anymore.
post #131 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by svmaine View Post
My stomach flipped when I read this, Holy !!!!! Never mind any other possible reason to allow this to continue...sleepwalking, mom's sanity...whatever, I can't imagine that locking a child in a bedroom for the whole night, especially while the other adults are sleeping, is safe, legal, and humane!!! I would be talking to some of the local firemen, calling CPS..., even if the adults were awake, what if there was a fire between where the adults were and the kids, or the fire started in their room? What if something medically wrong happened to the adult and the kids were stuck in their room? What if, what if, what if...my DH sometimes calls me paranoid but horrible things do sometimes happen and there is no way that locking children in their rooms while asleep is ok, for safety reasons, mental reasons (C'mon we've all read/heard about VC Andrews books). Those kids are going to be scarred mentally for life, hopefully not physically.

Yep, as a PP said, speechless, horrified and sad.
*sigh* You obviously don't have a sleepwalker, runner or special needs child (think sensory seekers or children who will walk out that door just to go for a "stroll").

You need to read the whole thread first not just gleen whatever it is you want to and use it out of context to jump up on a soapbox and scream bloody neglect\abuse.

I'd have to say, I'm damned glad you don't live near me because I'd be damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I don't do what I do my 3 year old would be out on a busy street laugh and giggling at cars swerving around her because it's funny to her and I do you'd call on me for locking the door in a safe manner when she's asleep (even if that means I'm up until 3 am with her up and down out of bed until she does fall asleep) so that I can at least function the next day with that same special needs child who is full of energy even if she does run on "sleep fumes".

It's attitudes like this that make society a "how may I judge you" aka shoot now rather than a "how may I help you" or aka ask questions later type of society.

Walk a mile in someone elses shoes first before you cast your stones in your glass house. :
post #132 of 236
If the OP's friend is locking her kids in their room in order to facilitate her not having to deal with them when she doesn't feel like it, then, to me, that is the same as CIO.

What's the difference between locking a kid in a room or leaving a baby in a cot/crib to cry? A baby in a cot can cry but can't get out of the cot to physically bother their parents. An older child is capable of getting out of bed and coming to physically wake their parents up. I can imagine parents who have spent the baby year(s) ignoring their child's cries in their cot, would be less than impressed at having to deal with a child who can actually come and demand their attention in person - so the locked room becomes a substitute for the cot as a place for the child to cry without 'bothering' their parents. I strongly disagree with such practices, but unfortunately this type of attitude is prevalent in society now. The majority of parents seem to believe that they only need to be parents during the daytime hours.

But just as many parents use a cot to contain their baby and allow them to sleep safely without ever leaving them to CIO in it, I would imagine that many parents also lock their older children into their rooms while still remaining responsive to their night-time needs. There is a huge difference IMO - and it's all to do with the parents' reasons for 'containing' their child, and their responses to their child's needs/cries while they are contained.

My parents locked me into my room every night from the age of about 2 to 7. When I was 2 I started sleep-walking and fell down the stairs one night. I don't blame my parents in the least for locking me in - I think it was a sensible decision on their behalf, and I actually felt safer for it, knowing that I wouldn't hurt myself in my sleep again. When I sleepwalked and the door was locked I would apparently just go back to sleep again. I also woke very early and had to wait for a couple of hours before my parents woke to come and let me out, but I didn't mind. I had toys and books in my room and I was happy to sit and play or read. However, if I had been really bothered or upset by being locked in, e.g. claustrophobia, I'm sure my parents would have come up with an alternative solution to keep me safe and happy.

With regards to it being a fire hazard; some PPs have already mentioned that closed doors are good protection against fire. I wouldn't want a toddler to be able to run from their room into the hallway, as they would be far more at risk there, and also much more difficult to find. It's also well-known that the reason most children don't get out of a burning house is nothing to do with locked doors, but simply to do with the fact that young children panic in such a situation and hide. Firemen know to look under beds and in wardrobes in children's rooms when there's a fire. However, a child who had escaped from their room and hidden somewhere else would be more difficult to find in time. But that's just my opinion - I am prepared to be corrected on this.
post #133 of 236
Did anyone here who goes on about the fire danger read that it is actually BETTER to have the bedroom doors closed?????

I cannot make a judgement on someone's parenting from something that they said to someone else (and that I didn't overhear). If she has been criticized in the past, she might have just been flippant, not serious!

I don't lock my kids in their rooms, BUT I will do so if I feel that they were a danger to themselves!
post #134 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by MOMYS View Post
Did anyone here who goes on about the fire danger read that it is actually BETTER to have the bedroom doors closed?????
But what if you can't get to them quickly because you can't quickly find the key in a fire?
post #135 of 236
I equate having a secure place where a child sleeps to requiring a carseat. Same goal -- child's safety. I think it's fine for people to deal with their children as they see appropriate, barring abuse.

Do we not look more critically at a parent who does not enforce carseat usage because their child doesn't like it, feels trapped, can't face the front, etc.? If a secured door, in your opinion, makes your child safer, than it is your decision.

This does not qualify for abuse in my book, but I understand there are many points of view.
post #136 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post
But what if you can't get to them quickly because you can't quickly find the key in a fire?
What key? turn the lock, or lift the latch, or slide the slide lock and open the door. I don't think anyone here uses a key lock. They've turned the doorknob around so the button for the lock is on the outside of the door.
post #137 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post
But what if you can't get to them quickly because you can't quickly find the key in a fire?
My lock is just one of those baby locks on ds's side of the door. There is absolutely nothing standing in my way when I'm opening his door.
post #138 of 236
I would put up a babygate in the doorway so that if the kids woke up at night they couldn't wander around the house and get hurt (particularly if you had a 2-story house!). Either that or make it so the only place they could go outside their room was our room. And of course, if they cried I'd go see what was wrong.
post #139 of 236
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamakay View Post
So if you slept in the crib, what did you do in the playpen when you were nine and a half years old?



I'd sometimes sleep there though it was not often. I just wanted it just to want it, and my parents gave it to me. It was noting special, just a portable. As I said, i had strange interests, and I still do now. I'm not ashamed of that, as that is part of who I am and part of my Aspergers. To learn more about it, you can look at a small pamphlet at http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/tc...drome-symptoms I know it sounds strange, but when you understand, it really isn't. Kodus for asking.
post #140 of 236
Horribly sad.

As for locking older children in their rooms, I would be more concerned about them needing to use the bathroom in the middle of the night then about fire. The odds of a potty trained child waking up during the night are much higher then a fire just spontaneously starting. I know my older boys wake up at least once during the night to go to the bathroom.
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