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Help! I Just Found Out That My Friend Locks Her Toddlers In Their Rooms At Night And For Naps!!!!!! - Page 2

post #21 of 236
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by loitering View Post
I lock ds in his room. Sounds horrible, doesn't it? Yeah, I commit the daily crime of putting a baby lock on the inside of his door. I get paranoid about the possibility of him sleep-walking or coming out of the house and me not hearing him on the monitor. That said, if he cries, I do go into his room and sit with him until he's back asleep.

In the morning, he says, "Come in, Mummy!"

I do have a friend who doesn't go in for her daughter right away, though. Her daughter wakes up and plays in her room quietly until her mom comes in. This started when my friend had just had a second baby and was completely exhausted.

I don't agree with CIO in general, but other than that I'm not sure what the problem is.


I did not feel that you had to be so mean and sarcastic about it. However, I will say that I do understand your concerns about him wondering and getting hurt and stuff. I did not mean to strike a nerve or offend you. I just can't lock my child in a room. i just think it is cruel, and I'll stick to that.

Just a thought, but have you tried cosleeping? I'd do that before anything else. I personally feel that there are other creative ways one could take to make sure a child is safe.

Oh, and no worries. I don't think of you as a bad person. It is obvious that you are not neglectful to your son, and that is good. My friend--I may now cal her my ex-friend, as I have not decided yet since I still want to help her change--has very different motives than yours.

As for your friend, I won't get into what I think about that. No matter the exhaustion I feel, I'd never do that to my child, not at all. I'd call on reinforcements if things got tough. We are not islands, we need one another. I have other friends who believe in attachment parenting to the extreme as I do and would not turn their back on their babies literally that I'd trust my children to stay with. I've already trusted them with my life on a few occasions. Right now, i care for my friend's child, whom I consider to be as well just my own, until she gets out of trouble, but when I have my own children someday, I'll trust them in those friend's care.

I'm glad to know though that you do go in and comfort him when he cries. That is very good of you. You are an awesome mother for that, as your ensure that his emotional needs are met. Good for you. I give you points for that. Way to go. Keep up the good work.

You are a single mom? Wow! It must be tough. It has to be. I have friends who are single mothers, and they sometimes have trouble. Sometimes, i'll take the kids when they feel tired so they can rest up, and the needs of the kids don't go by the way side. It is all about helping people. That is my nature, and sometimes, it got me into trouble. More self control has helped. If I lived closer, I'd offer to help you out, also. Take care of yourself. Stay strong. If you ever need to vent, I will listen. My skype name is on my profile, and i have free world wide calling. So, if long distance is a problem--I did not look to see if you had a location listed--I can call you if you send me an email that you are frustrated or just need someone. Reaching out is one of my favorite things to do, especially to ones in need, such as single arents. When I help someone, I feel fulfilled and warm inside.

Sorry again if I offended you.
post #22 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1littlebit View Post
good for you! i know what you mean about the rage. i get it a lot too. especially when i see someone hurting someone and no one will stop it. Circ, CIO, and Spanking are big ones for.. i can't even debate them with people.. who disagree...telling them they are cruel and should never have children (i am 21 and the only one with a child ... my friends are at the disadvantage of having no experience what so ever and being selfish overall which i hope will change when they become parents)

NIP is another one.. just because stupidity is my biggest bet peeve after cruelty.

btw i agree call CPS.
Just wait until you turn 40 like me and want more children and your strong advocacy could get more fierce. My young twins are not ready to wander in the night so rather than put them in a bed and lock the door they are 2 1/2 and in their cribs. We have stairs that we can't alter the wall to install a gate(rental) and there are lots of danger areas that especially one of my girls could get into trouble without proper supervision. I LOOOVE my time to myself but I'd like to think I get it in a more gentle way..........our girls wake up every night, EVERY and I don't go in and beat them senseless, these are my babies and we'd like more. As a PP said, I'd surely hate to think how things would be if that mother *didn't* get her alone time. WOW!

But yeah, most toddlers are in toddler beds by now, mine aren't, they're safe and their door is open and I can hear them *toot* in their sleep, no danger that I'll miss them being sick or crying.

I'd just check the legalities on locking children in their room for peace of mind.

BTW, the word is claustrophobic. Sorry I teach 2 languages! You did well though, you acted with love and that's always the best approach! xo
post #23 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by Morgana View Post
I remember a night I was over to his house years ago when the oldest was around 2. She fell asleep on the floor right by the door with her hand sticking out. My brother said that was normal.
That is so sad
post #24 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deer Hunter View Post
I did not feel that you had to be so mean and sarcastic about it. However, I will say that I do understand your concerns about him wondering and getting hurt and stuff. I did not mean to strike a nerve or offend you. I just can't lock my child in a room. i just think it is cruel, and I'll stick to that.
I make a choice that comes from a place of serious thought and consideration over how to best protect my child from danger.

Quote:
Just a thought, but have you tried cosleeping? I'd do that before anything else. I personally feel that there are other creative ways one could take to make sure a child is safe.
Are we still on MDC? Of course I've tried cosleeping! I coslept for two years. Again, I made a very thoughtful decision to move ds into his own room, and he is very happy about it. If anyone needs any tips on transitioning a child with care, and making the room an inviting rather than scary place, I'm your gal

Quote:
As for your friend, I won't get into what I think about that. No matter the exhaustion I feel, I'd never do that to my child, not at all. I'd call on reinforcements if things got tough. We are not islands, we need one another.
Actually, at the time, my friend was completely isolated from family and friends. In fact, she had moved away from her incredibly toxic, abusive family. And her child was HAPPY to play for half an hour when she woke up. No big deal.

Quote:
I have other friends who believe in attachment parenting to the extreme as I do and would not turn their back on their babies literally that I'd trust my children to stay with. I've already trusted them with my life on a few occasions. Right now, i care for my friend's child, whom I consider to be as well just my own, until she gets out of trouble, but when I have my own children someday, I'll trust them in those friend's care.

I'm glad to know though that you do go in and comfort him when he cries. That is very good of you. You are an awesome mother for that, as your ensure that his emotional needs are met. Good for you. I give you points for that. Way to go. Keep up the good work.
Thank you, I *am* an awesome mother

Quote:
You are a single mom? Wow! It must be tough. It has to be. I have friends who are single mothers, and they sometimes have trouble. Sometimes, i'll take the kids when they feel tired so they can rest up, and the needs of the kids don't go by the way side. It is all about helping people. That is my nature, and sometimes, it got me into trouble. More self control has helped. If I lived closer, I'd offer to help you out, also. Take care of yourself.
I actually love being a single mom, and it's the best choice I've ever made in my life. I have a great support system though, and I'm doing just fine. Plus, I know how complicated and busy your life must be.
post #25 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by loitering View Post
I lock ds in his room. Sounds horrible, doesn't it? Yeah, I commit the daily crime of putting a baby lock on the inside of his door. I get paranoid about the possibility of him sleep-walking or coming out of the house and me not hearing him on the monitor. That said, if he cries, I do go into his room and sit with him until he's back asleep.

In the morning, he says, "Come in, Mummy!"

I do have a friend who doesn't go in for her daughter right away, though. Her daughter wakes up and plays in her room quietly until her mom comes in. This started when my friend had just had a second baby and was completely exhausted.

I don't agree with CIO in general, but other than that I'm not sure what the problem is.
We put a child lock on the inside of DS's door too. He would get up and wander around the house without waking us up. We were afraid he would leave the house as he was tall enough and smart enough to unlock and open the outside doors. :

But we always responded to him if he called for us.
post #26 of 236
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Morgana View Post
My brother has done the same thing with his three children. The youngest is 2 and is locked in her room at night. I think the other two (7 and 5 yr old) aren't anymore. He has a plastic cover on the inside door knob. It has tabs that you have to press in that grasp the door knob. I can see using something like this to keep a small child out of a room like an office but I always thought it was potentially dangerous to use it to lock a child in a room. My parents actually think it's pretty cool and have commented that they wish they had something like that when we were kids. This is the way he keeps the LO in her room when it's time for bed. I remember a night I was over to his house years ago when the oldest was around 2. She fell asleep on the floor right by the door with her hand sticking out. My brother said that was normal.

The crazy thing is that I haven't been around many (if any) kids except for my nieces so I always thought that this was just the normal thing to do. It always struck me as cruel but I didn't have kids so who was I to know any better? That's a big reason why I'm so glad I found MDC. This place has taught me to question a lot of things I've seen my brother do and a lot of things I've heard my parents praise.


I'm so thankful for MDC also. It has started me on my journey to wellness. I owe so much to the mods and the people here. I'd like to donate some money to keep things going here, as I support any community who believes in what I do.

Even when I was not caring for any children, I thought things such as spanking, CIO, locking children in a room--my aunt did it too to my cousin--and cursing at kids among other things were cruel. To me, it always seemed like common sense that one would not do those things. Also, because I was severely abused--not by my parents--I had a one up on having insight into how one would treat another individual, especially a child. I can't say that I was thankful that I was abused. But, I can say that I have insight into many things that so many would not have usualy.

The story about your brother's children made me cry. i mean, should the first years of life be spent spend locked up in isolation away from love, especially at bedtime. The scary thing is that when these children cry out out of fear, they are just being ignored as being rebelious and sent on their way despite their pleas for comfort and their strongest efforts to tell their parents the did not want to be alone. As for his littlest one having her hand sticking out under the door and falling asleep there, that is common sense thatshe is hating the situation. Something tells me that she cried there until she was exhausted, and because no comfort or relief was forth coming, she had no choice but to fall asleep there at the door where she was begging to be let out of, well, her jail cell.

I have to give people like this to God. He can handle it better than I can.
post #27 of 236
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by jjawm View Post
Can she hear them if they're sick? What if they're throwing up in the middle of the night? Scared? All these things have happened to my kids over the years.

I think she'd be better off putting a lock on her door. That way they could bang on the door if they needed her. Early in our marriage, dh and I locked our bedroom door during 'our time', to keep curious little boys from wandering in. But I would never, ever, ever EVER lock a child in their room.

Or else what about putting a baby gate on their door- that way they could still call her if they needed to. Not that it's the best option, but if she's intent on keeping them in their, it seems less lonely with a gate than a locked door.


I like the gate idea and keeping all the doors open. I'd do this so long as my children were okay with sleeping without me. That is an idea.
post #28 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deer Hunter View Post
As for his littlest one having her hand sticking out under the door and falling asleep there, that is common sense thatshe is hating the situation. Something tells me that she cried there until she was exhausted, and because no comfort or relief was forth coming, she had no choice but to fall asleep there at the door where she was begging to be let out of, well, her jail cell.

I have to give people like this to God. He can handle it better than I can.
That's what I was picturing, too, and it breaks my heart. I don't understand the lack of compassion and understanding. How does a parent just ignore that basic need?
post #29 of 236
I don't lock my son in his room but I do put a baby gate up and leave the door cracked. in the morning he says "open the gate please mommy!!!" or I hear him starting to stir and I come and let him out. It does seem dangerous to lock the child in the room. But I don't think it's illegal unfortunately, unless there is other neglect going on.
post #30 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jemmind View Post
I don't lock my son in his room but I do put a baby gate up and leave the door cracked. in the morning he says "open the gate please mommy!!!" or I hear him starting to stir and I come and let him out. It does seem dangerous to lock the child in the room. But I don't think it's illegal unfortunately, unless there is other neglect going on.
i think a gate makes sense as a safety thing... you don't want them running around and opening doors or something. in our old apt none of the doors locked so a gate would have made the most sense. plus they can see and hear you and vice versa
post #31 of 236
Quote:
I lock ds in his room. Sounds horrible, doesn't it? Yeah, I commit the daily crime of putting a baby lock on the inside of his door. I get paranoid about the possibility of him sleep-walking or coming out of the house and me not hearing him on the monitor. That said, if he cries, I do go into his room and sit with him until he's back asleep.
How would he get out in the case of an emergency? I am not being snarky, but this is so dangerous. There are other ways to keep him in that are not going to risk his life in a fire. Just thought I would mention it as perhaps you hadn't considered it.

OP, I would be worried for your friend's children as well. "Me" time is important to recharge and parent well, but there has to be a solution that doesn't risk the safety and wellbeing (physical AND emotional) of her children.

You handled it so well, you must feel proud of yourself for keeping your emotions in check so you could get your point across
post #32 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by FreeRangeMama View Post
How would he get out in the case of an emergency? I am not being snarky, but this is so dangerous. There are other ways to keep him in that are not going to risk his life in a fire. Just thought I would mention it as perhaps you hadn't considered it.

OP, I would be worried for your friend's children as well. "Me" time is important to recharge and parent well, but there has to be a solution that doesn't risk the safety and wellbeing (physical AND emotional) of her children.

You handled it so well, you must feel proud of yourself for keeping your emotions in check so you could get your point across
I know the safety aspect is the first thing to spring to mind. I promise, I have it all worked out. Ds and I sleep a few feet away from each other, in seperate rooms. We have back-up plans in place. There is much more danger in my particular household of ds leaving his room than there is of a fire while he is in his room.
post #33 of 236
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by loitering View Post
I make a choice that comes from a place of serious thought and consideration over how to best protect my child from danger.



Are we still on MDC? Of course I've tried cosleeping! I coslept for two years. Again, I made a very thoughtful decision to move ds into his own room, and he is very happy about it. If anyone needs any tips on transitioning a child with care, and making the room an inviting rather than scary place, I'm your gal



Actually, at the time, my friend was completely isolated from family and friends. In fact, she had moved away from her incredibly toxic, abusive family. And her child was HAPPY to play for half an hour when she woke up. No big deal.



Thank you, I *am* an awesome mother



I actually love being a single mom, and it's the best choice I've ever made in my life. I have a great support system though, and I'm doing just fine. Plus, I know how complicated and busy your life must be.


I actually do want to talk to you when you have some time about transition for bth myself and Johannes sake. You really could probably help me out. Seriously. He has now just turned three, and I've thought of letting him sleep in his own room, but I'm too scared to leave him alone, and he is the clingy type because after all he has been through. I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on what I should do. Any suggestions you should have. Am I too paranoid, or are we just made for each other. He is clingy and Im scared.

My skype is waldorfpc if you have it. If not, please send me a PM. I look forward to hearing from you. Perhaps, you could help ease us both unless your advice is for us both to wait until we feel ready. Thanks so much.
post #34 of 236
And.. I'm done.
post #35 of 236
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1littlebit View Post
i think a gate makes sense as a safety thing... you don't want them running around and opening doors or something. in our old apt none of the doors locked so a gate would have made the most sense. plus they can see and hear you and vice versa


Right, this is why I support the idea of the gate. It just feels less lonely and less trapped in.
post #36 of 236
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ollineeba View Post
That's what I was picturing, too, and it breaks my heart. I don't understand the lack of compassion and understanding. How does a parent just ignore that basic need?


I don't think i can understand how some parents can do such things. I never will. I just have to give it to God and thank him that I'm not that way. Wait until I share this story with my mother tomorrow when I see her. Boy, will she be angry.
post #37 of 236
This is a pretty run-of-the-mill thing in my experience. I would also say that most children go to the door, find that they can't open it and either go straight back to bed or go play with some toys for a little bit before falling asleep in a pile of stuffed animals. If the children aren't bothered by it I wouldn't get crazy calling CPS. Some LOs have a really hard time just staying in bed and going to sleep. It's doesn't mean they aren't tired because if you let them out to play they turn into gigantic crank monsters. So something needs to be done to actually get them to settle in for the night and go to bed. Lots of people lock their kids in the room to accomplish this.

I think one thing that is probably overly influencing your feelings on this is that you would feel scared and confused if you were the child locked in the room. That doesn't mean that these children feel that way. When you see them do they seem scared to go in their rooms? Do they get scared about having doors closed when they are in a room?
post #38 of 236
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by FreeRangeMama View Post
How would he get out in the case of an emergency? I am not being snarky, but this is so dangerous. There are other ways to keep him in that are not going to risk his life in a fire. Just thought I would mention it as perhaps you hadn't considered it.

OP, I would be worried for your friend's children as well. "Me" time is important to recharge and parent well, but there has to be a solution that doesn't risk the safety and wellbeing (physical AND emotional) of her children.

You handled it so well, you must feel proud of yourself for keeping your emotions in check so you could get your point across


I do feel very prod of myself, as this was my first test after about a month of spiritual counceling and anger control. Nevertheless, I feel so upset about it.

As for loytering, that is what i was thinking when I responded to her post. I did not want her to feel that I was picking on her, but it is not in the child's best interest to keep him locked up. What if the fire choked her to death, and he died because he was locked up. Something to think about.

loytering, I'm sorry if you feel ganged up on. I hope you do not feel that way, but please think about it. Could you perhaps use a gate instead? You may want to find other creative ways to address your fears of him wondering, which are legitimate and sincere concerns.

As for whether or not I approve of you, that is not what is at stake. That does not matter. Your child's safety is though. Please just think about it. That is all that I ask. I trust you'll make a good decision. You may not loke what I say, but I feel that locking a child in a room should be illegal no matter what. I only say this not to chastise you or make you feel bad. I say it for the reasons that I, and many others, have mentioned above. Sorry to say, but nothing will sway me from that.

Please just think of this one thing. Say that, for instance, there was a fire in the house. You died from the smoke, but your child was sill able to get out. HOwever, because he was locked in, he could not. So, his life was lost. I don't mean to scare you. It is just something that could happen, and I'd hate for it to happen to you and your son. Jst think about it and consider it. I can't ask any more of you than that.

And, I'll still take you up on your offer to help with transitioning. I can need all the help i can get right now. We can do this aside from this discussion.
post #39 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by funkymamajoy View Post
We put a child lock on the inside of DS's door too. He would get up and wander around the house without waking us up. We were afraid he would leave the house as he was tall enough and smart enough to unlock and open the outside doors. :

But we always responded to him if he called for us.
Same here.

People always bring up the fire hazard, but I don't think that's anywhere near as likely as a kid playing with knives in the kitchen or running out into the street. I find it prudent to take precautions against the more likely risk. A person knows when she is the mother of a "runner" or an "escape artist" and it would be neglectful to give such a child access to an environment in which it is likely he will get himself hurt.

Cosleeping isn't a good solution for this problem in every case ...and a child who is at risk for bolting at night has probably learned to scale a baby gate before he turned a year old.

OP, it must be very rough to have a friend who seems to have adopted a harmful parenting practice for a trivial reason. Do you think it's possible that she may not have been forthcoming with you about her real reasons, if you have clashed in the past? I know I tend to avoid sharing the whys and wherefores of my actions with people who have criticized me a lot.
post #40 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deer Hunter View Post
Right, this is why I support the idea of the gate. It just feels less lonely and less trapped in.
Actually, in my experience a closed door is better because it muffles the sound of what is happening in the "off limits" areas. The gate is bad because it shows them exactly what they're missing out on. And it also doesn't keep light out of their rooms.
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