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Help! I Just Found Out That My Friend Locks Her Toddlers In Their Rooms At Night And For Naps!!!!!! - Page 12

post #221 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
Cosleeping, or attending to them when they wake in the night.

(Just answering the question, I have no problem with closed doors if the child is not afraid, only locked doors).
Well some kids (like mine) wont cosleep. She literally asks me to put her in her bed......and as far as attending to their needs, there are times that i have no idea that she is even awake even with a monitor.....
post #222 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by tinyblackdot View Post
Well some kids (like mine) wont cosleep. She literally asks me to put her in her bed......and as far as attending to their needs, there are times that i have no idea that she is even awake even with a monitor.....
Well there ya go, reason to close the door.
post #223 of 236
The situation doesn't seem to warrent calling CPS. I think we need to think long and hard about what is truly abusive & worth calling the authorities over. I'm sure I've done things some of you would strongly disagree with, but none of them are abusive.

I shut my toddlers door every time he sleeps. I can hear him talking or crying or whatever. I don't lock it (I mean he's still in a crib), but if I didn't shut his door he'd wake up to the noise and the light.
post #224 of 236
OP I think you did a good job. Sounds like you are really making progress.

Have you ever thought though that the problem really isn't you, but your friends? Are you sure you have good friends in your life? I know that friends don't have to agree on everything, but it seems like you know quite a few parents with bad parenting philosophies.

Anyway, it's hard. I was just talking to a mother the other day who spanks her 2.5yo with a ruler. I had to take some deep breaths through that conversation and remind myself that people do not know the errors of their ways and that the child does come from a loving home and will survive her mother's sense of discipline. Then I recommended Alfie Kohn. A lot.

And then I reminded myself not to judge b/c goodness knows I'm going to screw something up sooner or later in this parenting gig.

But, like you, I get upset and have to bite my tongue.

V
post #225 of 236
What this mom did is cruel! To me it is child abuse !!!!
post #226 of 236
I'm sorry.. why is it wrong to lock your child's door? I can maybe see the argument that fire poses a risk but another person made the great counter argument that the child might leave the room and hide somewhere else in the house and then you can't find them to get them out of house.

As far as the mental impact on the child, if the child isn't upset, scared or crying, what difference does it make if the door is locked?

After our toddler out-grew his crib we put a knob cover on the inside of the door. Eventually he found out how to open that so we put a hook and eye on the door to "lock" it from the outside. He tried to open the door a few times for a few nights and then gave up and hasn't messed with it since.

He's gone through a few fears so far. After halloween he was afraid of pumpkins. Obviously if he's in his room crying, we go in and comfort him. If he's afraid of anything we are there for him to talk about it and validate his feelings.

I'm sorry, but I do not see anything wrong with locking a child's door if the child is happily enjoying themselves in their room. Our boy lays in bed, talks to himself, looks at books, and eventually falls asleep.

It strikes me as far more dangerous to allow for the possibility of the child leaving his room at night while everyone is asleep. He knows how to open the front door lock to the house. What's to stop him from going outside in the freezing cold?

It seems to me a very safe, sane and rational thing to keep a child locked in their room at night so long as they are not emotionally distressed by it or anything else.

A happy child who happens to be in their room at night which happens to have a door that happens to be locked strikes me as no big deal, and in fact a good idea.
post #227 of 236
I actually had this exact situation occur a few years back when I was nanny-ing for a family. They locked their then 2 year old in his room for both naps and bedtime. They actually put a door stopper on the inside of his door then locked the adjoining bathroom so he couldn't get out. So in order to get to him you had to go through his baby sister's room, their adjoining bathroom and get him out that way. The first day they told me that I couldn't hide my disgust (apparently it was obvious on my face). I said I will not be doing that and they apparently stopped after that, guess i made an impression. I would be concerned about getting to them in the event of an emergency or a fire. I'd notify CPS because its such a dangerous situation.
post #228 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by Violet2 View Post

Anyway, it's hard. I was just talking to a mother the other day who spanks her 2.5yo with a ruler. I had to take some deep breaths through that conversation and remind myself that people do not know the errors of their ways and that the child does come from a loving home and will survive her mother's sense of discipline. Then I recommended Alfie Kohn. A lot.

And then I reminded myself not to judge b/c goodness knows I'm going to screw something up sooner or later in this parenting gig.

But, like you, I get upset and have to bite my tongue.

V
That's not judging that mom, that warrants a call to CAS\CPS. Here (and probably in the USA) the Criminal Code states that spanking with an object in the hand is breaking the law (criminal felony, assault of a minor). Canadians are not allowed to spank a child under the age of 2, over the age of 12 and are not allowed to spank a child with anything but an open, palm down hand.

Not that it should be legal at all in any form.
post #229 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by banderbe View Post
I'm sorry, but I do not see anything wrong with locking a child's door if the child is happily enjoying themselves in their room. Our boy lays in bed, talks to himself, looks at books, and eventually falls asleep.

I think the point Deer Hunter is trying to get across is that the children are screaming and crying in their rooms and the mother is ignoring it.

It's MEAN and CRUEL and I think ppl who are mean and cruel to little children should have the same situation done to them and see how they like it. Put THEM in a position of being powerless and helpless and have atrocities done to them. Then interview THAT crap on 20/20.

(Sorry -- my mind is also taking into consideration other abuses that loved ones have suffered as children w/ no voice.)


Quote:
It seems to me a very safe, sane and rational thing to keep a child locked in their room at night so long as they are not emotionally distressed by it or anything else.

I agree. I have an 8 yr old on the Autism Spectrum. When he was a toddler he was a runner. He would take off just because and I never knew when or where he'd go. FOR HIS SAFETY I had to put one of those doorknob covers on his door so that we could all sleep at night. (I had a monitor.) I could not have him getting out of the house and running down the road or falling down the stairs of the apartment complex while dh and I are sleeping. It would not be safe and THAT would be abuse. Neglect.

During nap time (MY nap time -- God knows he sure wasn't sleeping! ) I would lock all 3 of us in there so dd and I could sleep on the mattress and he could play safely.

Quote:
A happy child who happens to be in their room at night which happens to have a door that happens to be locked strikes me as no big deal, and in fact a good idea.
A kid that isn't trying to get out at night doesn't need it locked, though. My ds now sleeps in his own room, door closed, but he is also mature enough and logically-thinking enough NOT to leave the house in the middle of the night.

ETA: This probably makes me sound like I'm off my rocker or something, but until you're in my shoes, please don't judge. I never let my kids CIO and ds1 was 3-4 yrs old when we did this.
post #230 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sheal View Post
That's not judging that mom, that warrants a call to CAS\CPS. Here (and probably in the USA) the Criminal Code states that spanking with an object in the hand is breaking the law (criminal felony, assault of a minor). Canadians are not allowed to spank a child under the age of 2, over the age of 12 and are not allowed to spank a child with anything but an open, palm down hand.

Not that it should be legal at all in any form.
The laws in the US vary by state and are usually fairly vague...nothing as specific as what you have stated is the law in Canada. Laws here usually favor the parent's right to spank as long as it does not cause serious injury.
post #231 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by tinyblackdot View Post
.....i mean how do you keep your kids from getting into everything in the middle of the night if their doors are open?
i have 4 kids and have never had to lock them in their rooms. granted i cosleep for a few years but still....never considered locking the doors to their rooms.
post #232 of 236
I don't lock my 2 year old's door, but she does sleep with it closed (fire safety, sorry, uncle is a firefighter!) and I put a gate up because I don't want her to roam the house at night. I tried to cosleep with her but she never liked it like dd1 did. She needed her independence from the start. I do sleep about 10 ft from her doorway and I use a monitor at night in case she wakes up and needs me. The OP's friend's situation sounds a little extreme, like she's throwing her kids in the room and locking the door and not responding to their needs. That isn't right.
post #233 of 236
Just to make it clear.. my two boys co-slept with my wife from birth until about nine months when they were just too active to stay in bed with her.

I think co-sleeping is a great idea and our boys loved it.. my wife loved it.

But now they are older and we keep a lock on their door and they are happy, healthy boys.

I hope nobody thinks we are bad parents.
post #234 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by Morgana View Post
I remember a night I was over to his house years ago when the oldest was around 2. She fell asleep on the floor right by the door with her hand sticking out. My brother said that was normal.
that made my stomach turn...how can parents be so cruel
post #235 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by banderbe View Post
Just to make it clear.. my two boys co-slept with my wife from birth until about nine months when they were just too active to stay in bed with her.

I think co-sleeping is a great idea and our boys loved it.. my wife loved it.

But now they are older and we keep a lock on their door and they are happy, healthy boys.

I hope nobody thinks we are bad parents.


No, I don't think that at all. I think we all do what works best for our situation. And I highly doubt any one of us just lets our babies (however old our babies are) scream all night. You know?
post #236 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by riverscout View Post
The laws in the US vary by state and are usually fairly vague...nothing as specific as what you have stated is the law in Canada. Laws here usually favor the parent's right to spank as long as it does not cause serious injury.
That sucks then. I still find the Canadian law is not specific enough but it's a start here at least.

Ours is in the Criminal Code (section 43)
http://www.parl.gc.ca/information/li.../prb0510-e.htm

They did just revise it a few years ago by way of the Children and Families Act to be applied with the code 43 in the Criminal Code.
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