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Help! I Just Found Out That My Friend Locks Her Toddlers In Their Rooms At Night And For Naps!!!!!! - Page 4

post #61 of 236
What's an Infantalist?
post #62 of 236
I'm not seeing how the crib is any better than locking the child in their room ? The child would still not be able to get out in case of a fire, and is trapped in a *very* small space. To me, a tall infant gate up to their bedroom door still seems the safest for toddlers. (Obviously won't work for older children).
post #63 of 236
I thing it depends on what she is locking the door with. Really no matter if the door is locked or if it is a gate the child is trapped in an emergency.

There can be many variables and not all people that lock their kids in are "horrible".

I have seen video tape of parents putting child gates on top of each other to lock their toddlers in the room to have the toddlers scale both.

Sleep walkers can present a special situation.

An alarm would never work for me.......I have slept through smoke detectors and hospital monitors. Yet, I can hear hear my 14 year old cough across the house at 2 am.

I think what I find disturbing about the OP post is the mom's attitude and rules.
post #64 of 236
Those cribs are bigger but the sides don't look any higher than an infant crib. They would offer more room to stretch out but not be any harder to climb out of.
post #65 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamakay View Post
What's an Infantalist?
It's a fetish.....someone that gets off on pretending to be a baby.
post #66 of 236
My 3 year old is locked in his room at night too. He has been ever since I took a shower during nap time once and he got up, left his room, climbed over the gate at the top of the stairs, unlocked the doorknob lock and the deadbolt on the front door and went to play in the creek. Alone. He had just turned 2. It was at least 10 minutes before I knew he was gone and another 5 before I found him. Thank God he didn't drown.

He is perfectly happy sleeping alone (has refused to cosleep since 6 months of age) and is responded to when he wants or needs anything.

I don't believe he is in any way psychologically harmed by his bedroom door being locked at night but even if there was some evidence that it was distressing to him it is still surely safer than the possibility of drowning in the toilet, burning himself on the stove, ingesting toxic cleaning products, playing with kitchen knives, wandering into traffic or drowning in the creek.
post #67 of 236
Here's how I did it: I rocked my toddlers to sleep in their bedroom. When they were fully asleep I put them in their bed, left their door wide open, and placed a baby gate in the doorway. If they woke up and called to me I heard them and immediately went in. It gets very cold at night here and there have been toddlers that have left their houses and frozen to death, because it only takes a few minutes in -30 celcius. No matter how attentive a mother is, she may sleep through a toddlers wandering. Even when co-sleeping the toddler can get up from the bed and wander off without the mother waking. It has happened in my city and the results were bad.

I would not be at all comfortable with what your friend is doing. It sounds very dangerous. There are many unforeseen dangers in a bedroom, too, no matter how childproof you may think it is ... choking, strangulation from window coverings, faulty window locks.... the mother needs to be able to hear or peek in to make sure everything is okay.

ETA: my toddlers did not climb over the baby gate, so that was never an issue here.

And, someday the child will be locking the MOTHER out of his room. My oldest is almost 11 and the years go by VERY quickly.
post #68 of 236
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamakay View Post
What's an Infantalist?


They are adults that wish to be treated as babies. I've met a few in my time. Usually, they are the result of extreme abuse, depriving of the proper attachment necessary for good develpment, such as to parents like my friend and those who frequently ignore their child's cries, harsh childhoods, not being allowed to display emotions and being punished for doing so, and many other reasons. Many of them want to try to start from the beginning and learn to trust people. At least that is why my friend engaged in it. He said those were his reasons.

I thought it was strange in the beginning, and I did make a mockery of it out of shallowness, but when I looked deeper and realized that these people were hurting, I then understood. I found out that a good friend was one of them when he had asked me for one of my diapers--I am a sufferer of total incontinence. At first, I severely berated him. I even cursed him--this happened before I was a Christian and did not care much about language, and it was eight years ago. I felt he was making a mockery of my condition since it is stigmatized and people think of it as being babyish if one has an acident and is diaper dependent past potty training years. I thought he was part of that crowd. But, when I grew up, and it took years, I learned about why he did it. I talked to him again and said I was sorry. Surprisingly, he forgave me. When he was a child, he was abandoned to his grandparents by his parents because he was born blind and unhealthy. His parents would not even wake to help him even if his breathing monitor went off. His grandparents had to do it, and they told me about all the sad things that his parents did to him once they DID come back into his life in his later childhood years. My friend even tried to end his life because it was so bad. I won't forget the day he came to me and said he took a whole bottle of pills. I cried and got him help. He is still alive today. He is now successful, runs his own company giving ounceling services to those in crisis, and stands up for injustice.

How heartbreaking. Understandbly so, my friend wants nothing to do with them. As strange and different as it may be, I let him live the way he wants, especially if it will help him heal.

To learn more about them, there is a site that is at www.understanding.infantilism.org

Very interesting to say the least. I still don't understand it fully. I'm still baffled.
post #69 of 236
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amylcd View Post
I'm not seeing how the crib is any better than locking the child in their room ? The child would still not be able to get out in case of a fire, and is trapped in a *very* small space. To me, a tall infant gate up to their bedroom door still seems the safest for toddlers. (Obviously won't work for older children).


Actualy, the sides are 65 inches high.
post #70 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deer Hunter View Post
Actualy, the sides are 65 inches high.
It looks like it's 65 inches from the floor, not 65 inches from the top of the matress. There are adults sitting up in the cribs and their heads are well over the side. I doubt those adults have 5 1/2 foot long torsos. I'd hate for a little one to climb out and fall from that height.
post #71 of 236
I think you're WAY over-reacting. Babies sleep in cribs in their own rooms. Door open or closed they can't "get out in case of a fire" either. Just sayin'.
post #72 of 236
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by moondiapers View Post
It looks like it's 65 inches from the floor, not 65 inches from the top of the matress. There are adults sitting up in the cribs and their heads are well over the side. I doubt those adults have 5 1/2 foot long torsos. I'd hate for a little one to climb out and fall from that height.
The sides of the rail do slide up and down. They'll slide up to keep the person inside. Also, there are different types.

One is for infantilists, and of course, they do not need to worry about how high the sides are. The other is for special needs people. The sides will slid up making sure they stay in the cribs. When you call, and I've done this myself personally so I'd definitely know, you'd just specify what the crib will be used for. All of them are hand made by Mike, the owner of the company. They are customized. He will work right along with your request, as he is very accommidating and curtius. I hope this helps out.
post #73 of 236
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovingmommyhood View Post
I think you're WAY over-reacting. Babies sleep in cribs in their own rooms. Door open or closed they can't "get out in case of a fire" either. Just sayin'.


Exactly the point I was trying to prove though I can understand some of the skepticism about the method since it is different and new to some. On my blog concerning the special needs and mentally challenged found at www.keepthemhome.blogspot.com where I share personal experiences for caring for such people, I explain how using a crib to contain them and keep them safe is perfectly okay and more humane than tying them up or locking them up. The article, if you want to read it and find out how I've formulated my viewpoint is titled, "A Safe and Humane Way to Contain Your Mentally Challenged Loved One." I hope you like it.
post #74 of 236
The situation was different but my mom did this when we were little. My brother and I shared a room when he was 2 and I was 5 and he would climb out of his crib in the middle of the night. One night she found him getting into the cabinet in the kitchen (standing on top of his highchair to reach it) where they had put the medications and other things to keep out of his reach. He was holding a bottle of pills. After that she explained to me that she was worried for his safety and was going to put a latch on the door so he couldn't get out when my parents were asleep. She showed me how to open it. It was a hook and eye that was put on the outside, but I could reach up and unlatch it when the door was cracked. It wasn't a big deal for us. I remember my brother waking up and trying to get out and then when he couldn't, he just went back to bed. My dad is a firefighter and approved the setup.

Leaving the kids to cry and not caring is horrible, but sometimes having your kids roaming around is less safe.
post #75 of 236
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post
I thing it depends on what she is locking the door with. Really no matter if the door is locked or if it is a gate the child is trapped in an emergency.

There can be many variables and not all people that lock their kids in are "horrible".

I have seen video tape of parents putting child gates on top of each other to lock their toddlers in the room to have the toddlers scale both.

Sleep walkers can present a special situation.

An alarm would never work for me.......I have slept through smoke detectors and hospital monitors. Yet, I can hear hear my 14 year old cough across the house at 2 am.

I think what I find disturbing about the OP post is the mom's attitude and rules.


Yeah, now that you say that, I guess that is the reason I'm so upset, too. She seems so callous about the whole thing. I can't wrap my mind around it. Also, we were not locked in our rooms growing up. This is why I find it so horrible. My mom agrees with me on that, which is why she never did that. She'd find the crib option better. After all, she knows I've cared for the mentally challenged and knows how I've handled them.

I thought I might add just in case that the abusers were not my parents. You might have figured that out by now, but I felt I needed to state that. If it weren't for my parents, I'm so scared to think of where'd I'd end up. I'd probably be dead. What a scary thought.
post #76 of 236
Aren't cribs and beds for toddlers supposed to pass pretty strict safety criteria nowadays?

ETA:
and I'm not really seeing how locking them in their room is supposed to be more cruel than just getting a kid-sized crib.

post #77 of 236
Quote:
Originally Posted by all in green View Post
I would absolutely call CPS on her. It's a safety issue as well as one of neglect.
I agree. What if there was a fire? Or a terrible fall behind closed doors?


I never understand folks who are this selfish... why did they even have kids?
post #78 of 236
To the OP:

I think you did a magnificent job of responding to your friend. You may not have had an immediate impact, but you at least have her thinking.

A question: Is she a single parent? I can "understand" her need for alone time, and I wonder if there's another way to structure her house so she gets it, without having to have her kids not be responded to.

My second thought is: she sounds depressed. Any possibility there?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rhiandmoi View Post
Some LOs have a really hard time just staying in bed and going to sleep. It's doesn't mean they aren't tired because if you let them out to play they turn into gigantic crank monsters. So something needs to be done to actually get them to settle in for the night and go to bed. Lots of people lock their kids in the room to accomplish this.
True, that they do need to sleep. But there are other ways. You can keep (quietly) bringing them back to bed. You can sit outside their room and wordlessly redirect them.

For our kids, we stayed with them in the room while they fell asleep. I brought a book or when it was dh's turn, he brought a laptop. It wasn't the way I'd CHOOSE to spend 30 min to an hour in the evening, but it gave the kids the comfort they needed.

Now that they're a bit older, we tuck them in and then we check on them every 10-15 minutes until they're asleep (we set the timer so they know when we're going to be up).

We just got dd out of our bed at night. It was a long (several month) process of bringing her back to her bed when she got up, sitting with her while she fell asleep and doing it over again. She needed to learn not to come in to our bed because she'd (a) gotten too big and (b) developed a habit of repeatedly pushing her feet against us while she was falling back asleep (or any time she turned over), which kept dh and me from sleeping at all! Was it hard? Yes. But emotionally, she's now OK in her own bed.

And honestly, for our kids, shutting the door causes extreme panic (especially for ds, he may have inherited dh's claustrophobia, and he NEEDS to see the light in the hallway ALL NIGHT). No one would sleep if we locked the door!


Quote:
Originally Posted by grniys View Post
I plan on locking my kids in their rooms when they're in toddler beds instead of cribs. <snip>but how would I ever sleep at night wondering if he's going to leave his room, climb onto the computer chair in the hallway, climb from that onto the built in computer desk, from there the hall ledge and then take a large tumble down our stairs?
There's a $10 solution: Door alarms
If I had a climber and an escape artist, that would be my first choice. Locking the room would be a very distant second.

We always put the chain on the front door (it's too high for a toddler to reach).
post #79 of 236
Most of the parents that I encounter do what the OP's friend does. They find it perfectly normal. They take everything sharp, harmful, etc., out of the child's room. Then, for the night, the place them in bed, turn off the light, and close the door. If their child cries - they cry. Eventually, they fall asleep.

One of the parent's kid would fall asleep on the floor, exhausted from crying. She'd go in there, once he was out, put him back into bed, and go back to her bed.

It doesn't seem weird or wrong to any of the parents I come across.

So, as sad as this sounds ... unfortunately, it's not uncommon.
post #80 of 236
This reminds me of the house we lived in after #2 was born. It was very old and had sliding locks way up high on the two bedroom doors. They could only be locked and unlocked from the outside. My uncle, (whom we were renting the house from) said as a kid his mom locked he and his brother in the room that way. The locks were specifically installed to keep them in.

I think it really depends on why toddlers are being locked in their room. If it's for safetly reason's, I don't see how it could be much worse than putting them in a "cage" aka crib (including those awful crib tents). If they are being locked in their room because they are a nuisance and mom doesn't want to deal with them, then obviously that's a whole other issue and more likely neglect.

I don't have much I could do to keep my 19 month old contained in a bedroom. He can easily climb out of a play yard and crib and will scale a baby gate in half a second. Also, he figured out how to turn the lock on the door handle the 2nd time his bro locked him in a room. Maybe I should have DH install those high up locks oh wait, he'd probably find a way to jump out the freakin window to escape!! seriously, he's figured those out as well.
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