i'm off my medication

[MysticHealerMom]

and i'm doing fine.

i think part of the problem with my ups and downs was that i was so down, in such a dark place that i couldn't recognize the ups and subsequent downs and wasn't filling out my symptom evaluation forms very well. i think that things got to extremes before we adjusted my meds as i worked with truehope to evaluate my status and help me get off my medication. and i also don't think i was on the right medication - i was on an antipsychotic and a mood stablizer, neither of these were for depression, they were for mania and psychosis, which were short lived symptoms. but it still took me months to get these things worked out of my system.

when i first stopped my last med (the mood stablizer, the antipsychotic i stopped about 3 weeks before), i felt better. good. happy, even. but a few days later i was depressed again. this was analyzed to be withdrawl.

it's been over a week now and i've reached a new plateau. i'm not happy, not having a good or bad day, just recognize that my moods are different, yet again, and it's part of the healing process. it gets quite confusing, as i realize this plateau is a measure of where i'm at, i recognize it from my previous encounters, emerging from the fog, as it were, it's still a different state of being that needs to be adjusted to. this is such a long process, i can't imagine i'll ever be done - and perhaps i won't. perhaps my head is just permanently out of whack. i mean, setting asside the chemical whammy, i had a hell of a cosmic upheaval resulting in a spirtual awakening and re-evaluation. perhaps i'm forever being rebuilt? who knows, it's been a long time, but it's still too early to tell. this process has been so gradual that i feel as if i'm standing still - and yet, perhaps i'm standing on a conveyer, because when i look back, i see how far i've come.

i want to get to the point where i can say that truehope has helped me. and there are several things i can point to to indicate that they have. and i'm no longer on these medications and my depression has improved tremendously. but i'm still recovering. and for what it's worth, they've been along for the ride and have helped me cope with the changes with compassion and true understanding from those who've been there. i'm looking forward to further improvement. i have faith that i've put my trust in a worthy product.

i saw my naturopath last week. she gave me a remedy that worked for a few days, until i mistakenly antidoted it. my heads been so far out of the game that homeopathy hasn't helped, until recently.

i was in such a bad place i couldn't feed myself, didn't care to and couldn't care for my baby, for quite some time. i think it's a testament to truehope that i'm where i am now instead of on further drugs.

perhaps this sounds like i'm being a little defensive. i know i was an impediment to my own recovery. i was a very head strong opnionated person before this all came up. asking for help isn't something i was good at. but, it is something i had to do. i had to accept help without asking for it, for a while, then realize, with out guilt or remorse, that i wasn't able to care for myself and someone stepped in, and it was ok.

i don't know what the future holds. but i'm learning to accept now as all there is and allow the future to unfold before me. without fear or guilt or shame. i just am what i am, naked before the world. rebuilding myself as i go. letting the past lie.

who knew childbirth included such profound lessons? i would never have guessed. i can only live it and carry on.

blessings,

Lori

[EllasMama]

Re: i'm off my medication

Originally posted by MysticHealerMom
i just am what i am, naked before the world. rebuilding myself as i go. letting the past lie.

Lori, that brings tears to my eyes. So beautifully written and thought out. I think we're all meant to be naked before the world, and no more or less than who we are. And yet, the tendency to cloak and distort ourselves to others - and to ourselves - is so prevalent. I struggle so much with this. I assume no one would like me as I truly am, so for almost everyone I put on an act. Do this long enough and you lose touch with the real you.

I'm glad you are feeling better! You are brave facing things head on. I know it's a hard journey, but I can feel in your words that it's a TRUE one. Good for you for taking it, in a world where instant gratification is no longer just the norm, but is seen almost as a right. I'm proud of you and inspired to continue working to become more true to myself.

Carol

[petitemama]

lori,
you have a great outlook. you are very special. we all are.
i read a book by albert ellis about rational emotive behavior therapy and he says that to overcome depression and anxiety one must accept that they are special just because they are. something like that anyway. your words reminded me of what he spoke of. i hope your days continue to grow brighter.

[applejuice]

LOri:

YOur post brought tears to my eyes.

I had PPD after my first three pregnancies. I never took drugs, b/c, well, that is the decision I made. The last bout of PPD lasted two years.

I just decided to STOP it!

I decided to be HAPPY!

I had three beautiful children with half a mama, and they deserved more. I was a SAHM, but was I really there for them?

My parents went through the most horrendous divorce after thirty-three years of marriage and nine children. Iwas depressed terribly about that... I decided to BE A MAMA, the very best I could be and that was that! I looked at my life and decided that I could not change some things and to just let them be, as in the case of my parents who were self-destructing before my eyes.



Pull on your resources, family, church, doctor, friends, neighbors.

I hope you are better.

I am praying for you.

How is your little man doing?

How is your DH?

I have been following your posts when I can. G-d bless and keep you healthy, happy, and, yes, sane.

[Jish]

Good luck, Lori. I know what a long hard road this has been for you, I don't understand all you have gone through, but I appreciate all that you have had to cope with and how far you have come.

We all have our walls to climb and our battles to wage. Being naked in front of the world is courageous and brave. It takes so much to admit that we need help, and it is even harder to accept it when it is offered. No one likes to think that they can't do it themself. I know I didn't and still don't.

Be strong and willing to help yourself, whatever that means in the situation. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and don't be afraid to vent, cry or yell to us here. We are always willing to listen and love.

[MysticHealerMom]

thanks

applejuice, i hear what you're saying, but i was too far gone to just chuck it and be happy. nice sentiment though, if you can.

jish, thanks for your support these many months.

i am using any resources i can find. as well as digging deep within myself for any hidden strengths.

i spend a lot of time sitting with my various issues. today i sat with this big one that's been with me for some time. this odd uncomfortable feeling that isn't 'me'. i'd been waiting for it to go away. but today i decided that it just may be something new that's a part of me and won't go away. whenever this feeling would come up, which was several times a day, i'd feel out of sorts, then i'd get paniced and start fretting about everything; the future, my life, being a good mom, breathing, dying, you name it. and i'd start thinking about suicide just to escape the feeling - or at the very least running away and not looking back - but, i knew i'd still be there. so, i said to myself, finally, but i suppose everything happens when you're ready for it - perhaps this is just a new part of me and i should sit with it and look at it and accept it into myself. and while i'm sitting with this thing, this feeling that isn't part of the me that was, contemplating integrating it into the me that is, something strange happened; whatever this thing is, this new feeling or aspect of myself, it's not a bad thing. i don't know what it will entail, if anything, but the new thing won't hurt me.

i suppose thats kind of like deciding to be happy, accepting myself and my feelings now, even if i don't recognize them. it's sort of scary and challenging.

i know i haven't talked about Joe much. you probably wonder where he fits in all this. well, i've given up a lot of the things in my life because i've got 2 things going on; getting better and taking care of Joe. i am truly blessed to have such a wonderful little person in my life. i think that all babies are individuals and it's not fair to say some are good and some aren't when they're just being themselves - but Joe would qualify as a 'good baby'. he's friendly, inquisitive and as a sunny disposition. he's pretty easy going and patient. i was worried that he'd show signs of depression as babies of depressed moms tend to be depressed themselves - i wrote a paper about it for psych class, the same chemical processes present in moms are present in thier babies and they show signs of depression. but, i think because i've had so much help during my recovery, that Joe isn't showing signs of depression. my mom spent most of the early days, when i couldn't care for him, interacting with him and talking to him and i think this made a big impact. he was an angel over thanksgiving, he shares himself with everyone and everyone loved him. this is one reason why i think that i have to learn to cope with and overcome this stuff now, up front and in it's face instead of merely getting on with things. as i accomplish this daunting task and am more and more capable o doing things, any available energy goes to Joe. it's coinciding that as he needs more from me, i have more to give him. and he gets it. one day i hope to be able to take care of my house and give a crap about my apearance, too. but i'll take it slowly and recover myself, as well. afterall, everyone keeps telling me that what he needs most is a mama, and with these deamons running through my head i'm not much of one. i am who i am, and it may just be doing things the hard way, but the only way i saw out of this was by going head to head and overcoming each obsticle as it came up. not that it was easy, sometimes i just wanted to give up, whatever that meant.

i don't think it's over, but today i feel pretty triumphant.

s

Lori & Joe

[EllasMama]

Thanks for what you wrote about Joe. What a beautiful description of your awesome little man. There have been so many times when I just wanted to give up or run away or not care anymore, but then I'll get this vision of my daughter and realize that I HAVE TO do my best to get better, if not for my own sake, then for hers. She deserves a mom who is strong and getting well and who is not faking her way through while being empty inside.

Hugs,
Carol