I don't know if it's good to read this if your still pregnant. I know I didn't want to read anything like this when I was pregnant, but I wanted to share it as these forums helped me so much during this pregnancy, and I wanted to share my story. It's very personal and it's got a lot of TMI so if that makes you uncomfortable I warn you now.
Ok so things don't always work out the way you think, but they work out all the same. One thing I want everyone to understand is after all of this, Jason and I feel so blessed to have had this experience. I know that sounds crazy, but we loved all of the people in the NICU, and Jack's Dr's and Nurses were amazing. The Church that let us park our friends Van there and sleep for 3 nights, also kept the backdoor unlocked so we could use their bathroom. Jason's parents came down and gave us $250 which allowed us to eat for the week while we were there in the Van. The nurses for Postpartum were beautiful people, very kind and always gave us our own room and made sure to look out for Jason. They are all so sweet and loving and I am eternally grateful for the love these people have for their jobs. Not to mention Summer who came by with presents and love, and Tammy who spoiled us rotten and was the best Doula anyone could ever have. Also the support from Krishell and my sister kept me sane. While the situation was less then what we were hoping for the love we found from the people we were with, made everything ok. In the end we feel so much more grateful for Jack and his health. Oh and by the way after all this, he is fine and healthy and is a wonderfully little baby.
10/26/08-11/03/08- This turns out to be a hard week for me. I am officially deemed Gestationally Diabetic. I take this very hard, although the rating for not having it is a 5, and I am 6, which means I bearly have it. I know this means my little man is going to be big, and god forbid we transfer I know this means we will have many interventions to fight. I also am over my due date, and we have to set an induction date. I get Non Stress Tests, and pass, but the whole week I just unplug the phone and ignore the emails, and cling to Jason to keep my mind off all this pressure to go into labor. I have contractions all week, and continue to walk and do everything I can to go into labor. Sunday we decide to do Castor Oil. This ends up being a bad idea. I suffer the worst pain for 13 long painful hours, and start to bleed heavily - yep out of my bottom. This continues for a week, freaks everyone out especially me and my midwife saves me with some Redman Indian Mud concoction. The blood stops and then other worries set in. My midwife guesses my son to be about 10 or 11 pounds.
Tuesday 11/4/08- Election Day. Major contractions all day, into the night they are 3 min apart, but inconsistent. Jason decides to stay home for the rest of the week because we are certain the time has come. Up all night happy to bring this baby into the world on such an auspicious day, but he has other plans.
Wednesday 11/15-Thursday 11/16- Much of the same. We grocery shop, fill up the tub and take many, many, many walks. I also get Acupuncture, Accupressure, Massage and I even take a bag of Raw Rubies home and sleep with them in my left hand to induce labor.
Friday 11/7- Steady contractions all day. Lots of walking, sex, walking, sex. 2:30pm- Jason checks me and I am 4cm about. We call the midwife, she arrives at 5:30pm. I am 5 cm dilated, 90% effaced. She unpacks, while we walk and even go for a drive to stimulate more labor. 9:00pm- We all decide to try and nap and I labor through my nap. The pool is up, and full of warm water which I go in and out of. I am contracting very strong, moaning through them. They are not as bad as I thought, but I have to make sure to totally relax when they come on or they hurt more. Jason keeps telling me he loves me and makes me feel like I can do this. It's all very personal and private. At 1:00am- Jason takes a nap on the couch and I labor alone in our birth room. I swirl in the tub, nude except for a jog bra. Me and Jack talk a bit and I try to make him feel like it's safe to come out and I try and relax myself into each contraction. Contractions continue about 3 min apart, but they are staying the same length. 4:00am- Midwife wakes to check me and I am still 5cm. I cry and we talk about options. I have been the same for 14 hours and with such strong contractions I "should" have progressed more. Because of the Gestational Diabetes, and being 41 4/7 over we decide the best way to ensure Jack is safe is to go to the hospital. Midwife calls to tell them we are coming, Jason and I take a moment to cry then we accept this is the best decision and we are off.
Saturday 11/8- We arrive at the hospital. Midwife suggest I get an epidural to "help my body relax into dilation". We get a big room but it's on the 2nd floor, and my contractions fade out the second we walk in the door. We call Tammy to come and support us and Marla stays for a while. The student doctor takes 3 painful pokes at my spine before she gets it right. Jason and I try to sleep but we are interrupted every 5 minutes by staff for something else. We devise a plan with our doctor that makes us all feel good. 10 minutes later Dr. Tarsa (bitch) comes in and tells us our other Dr. is off her shift, and that she totally disagrees with our plan and starts to tell me how if I continue to labor I might lose my uterus. We end up in a screaming match, Jason wants us to leave, and I have to tell this woman I don't want to see her face again, and I want to work with someone else. They get another Doctor in, and she is nice, but by this time I am wide awake and feeling very very sad about how it's all going. I cry constantly. Jason cries with me as well. His heart is broken for me and I can see it in his eyes, he is so worried about me. We hold hands and talk about how it's all going to be worth it soon. 1.5 hours pass, and I get checked again and I am still at 5cm. We all agree to start the Pitocin, and Jack tolerates it very very well. 3 hours pass and they want me to wear an Intrauterine Catheter, which makes me cry more. They say I might not be having strong enough contractions, so I agree. Then I get a Foley Cathedral. I also have an IV, and they take many viles of blood for testing. Then they test me for Tuberculosis. I am feeling more and more pain, which is confusing considering I have an epidural, then the Anastesiologists tells me I have had this button my nurse forgot to tell me about that would have given me more pain meds as the hours passed, and now its too late to catch up. 4 Hours go by, I am contracting very strong, Jacks' heart is doing very well, and we all decide to break my bag of waters to help get things going. There is thick meconium. I know what this means. The doctor tells me what I am afraid to hear. I have been in labor for nearly 24 hours, with a post term baby, gestational diabetes, and now there is Mec. I have to have a C Section. I cry like I have never cried, but decide I will not be a victim to this. I make the decision myself and Jason and I decide to be brave and we smile and hold hands. 3:00pm -They wheel me in, and before I get to the room, I close my eyes. I do not want to see this. I do not want to remember this. I start to fade away as they give me more drugs, voices talk to me but I do not answer. The pain makes me scream out, and they give me more drugs but I can still feel so much. I can hear the Student Doctor scrambling to give me more drugs. In the foggy distance I hear a baby cry and my heart breaks because I feel so far away and I know that was my baby. Jack Roman Linder is born at 3:34pm, 10 pounds 8 ounces and 20 inches long. His cord is wrapped twice around his neck. I drift in and out again. I wake up in my room, with a nurse and our Doula. Jason is gone and I cannot see my baby. I ask for them and they tell me Jason is with the baby in the Nicu. I am so foggy and I hear the nurse say if I can wake up they will take me in to see my son at 6:00pm. I sit up and slap myself. 6 comes and goes but she won't take me. Jason comes in some time later and we cry. His eyes look like he is holding the world on his shoulders. 9:00pm- I keep my heavy eyes open long enough to hear Jason tell me about how when Jack was born his heart rate went up to 300 bpm, and they have him in the Nicu, and he will be there for a week, and I have to be prepared as he has lots of tubes, and is in an oxygen bed. They wheel me in on a gurney, I can only see his feet, and I try to crane my head to see his face. I touch his little toes and I lose it. They take me upstairs and I sleep through the night.
Sunday 11/9/08- Jasons parents come down, so does my sister and her husband. They all bring food and smiles and make me feel better about the whole situation. I am determined to hold my baby, so I get up and start walking. I go downstairs to the Nicu and spend many hours holding his toes and touching his face under the oxygen bed.
Monday 11/10/08- We are able to hold him. I also get to breastfeed which makes me feel like everything is going to be ok. The Nurses throw around medical terms, and I don't understand why he is down there. We get the run around and we start to feel like they are just being rediculous with all the things they are testing our son for. The day passes as I go from the NICU to the nurses station for my pain meds. My incision scar is painful but healing well.
Tuesday 11/11/08- Our doula comes down and Summer and we all talk about how much I don't know what's happening with my son. Jason calls the NICU and insists that a Doctor see us and tell us what is going on with our son. We have yet to see a Dr. Dr. Mannino comes up and I ask the girls to stay (emotional support) and we talk about what Jack's possible issues are. Supraventricular Tachycardia is the name of the main issue. They say they don't know why some babies get it, but very few have it return, but in case it does we can elect for a surgery when he is older to fix it. Until then we should have him on Digoxin for at least the next 6 months. Here are some of the other issues possible Meconioum inhalation so he is being treated with antibiotics. Other things are Low Platelet count, High White blood cells, Possible Abdominal Mass, Possible Tumor in his upper chest, Possible Blood Clot in his heart, Possible Nureoblastis, Presumed Pneumonia, Polycythemia, Sepsis. He has to endure the following while he is in the NICU. IV, daily heel pricks to get blood, blood pressure cuff, 4 chest monitors that stick to his chest and have alarms going off constantly, an ankle Oxygen cuff that also goes off all the time, Urine Bag, diarrhea because of the medication, Umbilical venous Catheter, Cardia Ultrasound, Abdominal Ultrasound, EKG's, Chest Xrays, ABR Screens. We have consultations with Cardiology, Occupational Therapy,Radiology, Infectious Diseases, Nutrition, Social Work, and Lactation.
Wednesday 11/12/08- I am released. We are able to stay in a fold out bed in the Social Services office so that we can be close to Jack and I can breastfeed every couple hours. We spend all of our time with Jack.
Thursday 11/13- Saturday 11/15- We sleep in our friends Van across the street from the Hospital so we can be close to Jack. I am diagnosed with Anemia from the C Section and I can feel it, but I am also very tired from little sleep and not taking the best care of myself. Jason and I promise ourselves to get more rest and on Saturday we are able to take Jack home. Officially the happiest day of my life.
So don't always get what you want, but often times you get what you need. And what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. A good example is my son, who after all of this, is so sweet and mellow. And it takes a hell of a lot to wake him up as he has had to endure quite the pestering during his last 2 weeks of life. And he likes having his diaper changed which I guess compared to putting in a new IV is not so bad. He likes it noisy and chaotic and that fits us to a T. Also I want to say that Jason and I are madly, madly in love with our little angel and are grateful for everything we went through because he was at the end of it.
Ok so things don't always work out the way you think, but they work out all the same. One thing I want everyone to understand is after all of this, Jason and I feel so blessed to have had this experience. I know that sounds crazy, but we loved all of the people in the NICU, and Jack's Dr's and Nurses were amazing. The Church that let us park our friends Van there and sleep for 3 nights, also kept the backdoor unlocked so we could use their bathroom. Jason's parents came down and gave us $250 which allowed us to eat for the week while we were there in the Van. The nurses for Postpartum were beautiful people, very kind and always gave us our own room and made sure to look out for Jason. They are all so sweet and loving and I am eternally grateful for the love these people have for their jobs. Not to mention Summer who came by with presents and love, and Tammy who spoiled us rotten and was the best Doula anyone could ever have. Also the support from Krishell and my sister kept me sane. While the situation was less then what we were hoping for the love we found from the people we were with, made everything ok. In the end we feel so much more grateful for Jack and his health. Oh and by the way after all this, he is fine and healthy and is a wonderfully little baby.
10/26/08-11/03/08- This turns out to be a hard week for me. I am officially deemed Gestationally Diabetic. I take this very hard, although the rating for not having it is a 5, and I am 6, which means I bearly have it. I know this means my little man is going to be big, and god forbid we transfer I know this means we will have many interventions to fight. I also am over my due date, and we have to set an induction date. I get Non Stress Tests, and pass, but the whole week I just unplug the phone and ignore the emails, and cling to Jason to keep my mind off all this pressure to go into labor. I have contractions all week, and continue to walk and do everything I can to go into labor. Sunday we decide to do Castor Oil. This ends up being a bad idea. I suffer the worst pain for 13 long painful hours, and start to bleed heavily - yep out of my bottom. This continues for a week, freaks everyone out especially me and my midwife saves me with some Redman Indian Mud concoction. The blood stops and then other worries set in. My midwife guesses my son to be about 10 or 11 pounds.
Tuesday 11/4/08- Election Day. Major contractions all day, into the night they are 3 min apart, but inconsistent. Jason decides to stay home for the rest of the week because we are certain the time has come. Up all night happy to bring this baby into the world on such an auspicious day, but he has other plans.
Wednesday 11/15-Thursday 11/16- Much of the same. We grocery shop, fill up the tub and take many, many, many walks. I also get Acupuncture, Accupressure, Massage and I even take a bag of Raw Rubies home and sleep with them in my left hand to induce labor.
Friday 11/7- Steady contractions all day. Lots of walking, sex, walking, sex. 2:30pm- Jason checks me and I am 4cm about. We call the midwife, she arrives at 5:30pm. I am 5 cm dilated, 90% effaced. She unpacks, while we walk and even go for a drive to stimulate more labor. 9:00pm- We all decide to try and nap and I labor through my nap. The pool is up, and full of warm water which I go in and out of. I am contracting very strong, moaning through them. They are not as bad as I thought, but I have to make sure to totally relax when they come on or they hurt more. Jason keeps telling me he loves me and makes me feel like I can do this. It's all very personal and private. At 1:00am- Jason takes a nap on the couch and I labor alone in our birth room. I swirl in the tub, nude except for a jog bra. Me and Jack talk a bit and I try to make him feel like it's safe to come out and I try and relax myself into each contraction. Contractions continue about 3 min apart, but they are staying the same length. 4:00am- Midwife wakes to check me and I am still 5cm. I cry and we talk about options. I have been the same for 14 hours and with such strong contractions I "should" have progressed more. Because of the Gestational Diabetes, and being 41 4/7 over we decide the best way to ensure Jack is safe is to go to the hospital. Midwife calls to tell them we are coming, Jason and I take a moment to cry then we accept this is the best decision and we are off.
Saturday 11/8- We arrive at the hospital. Midwife suggest I get an epidural to "help my body relax into dilation". We get a big room but it's on the 2nd floor, and my contractions fade out the second we walk in the door. We call Tammy to come and support us and Marla stays for a while. The student doctor takes 3 painful pokes at my spine before she gets it right. Jason and I try to sleep but we are interrupted every 5 minutes by staff for something else. We devise a plan with our doctor that makes us all feel good. 10 minutes later Dr. Tarsa (bitch) comes in and tells us our other Dr. is off her shift, and that she totally disagrees with our plan and starts to tell me how if I continue to labor I might lose my uterus. We end up in a screaming match, Jason wants us to leave, and I have to tell this woman I don't want to see her face again, and I want to work with someone else. They get another Doctor in, and she is nice, but by this time I am wide awake and feeling very very sad about how it's all going. I cry constantly. Jason cries with me as well. His heart is broken for me and I can see it in his eyes, he is so worried about me. We hold hands and talk about how it's all going to be worth it soon. 1.5 hours pass, and I get checked again and I am still at 5cm. We all agree to start the Pitocin, and Jack tolerates it very very well. 3 hours pass and they want me to wear an Intrauterine Catheter, which makes me cry more. They say I might not be having strong enough contractions, so I agree. Then I get a Foley Cathedral. I also have an IV, and they take many viles of blood for testing. Then they test me for Tuberculosis. I am feeling more and more pain, which is confusing considering I have an epidural, then the Anastesiologists tells me I have had this button my nurse forgot to tell me about that would have given me more pain meds as the hours passed, and now its too late to catch up. 4 Hours go by, I am contracting very strong, Jacks' heart is doing very well, and we all decide to break my bag of waters to help get things going. There is thick meconium. I know what this means. The doctor tells me what I am afraid to hear. I have been in labor for nearly 24 hours, with a post term baby, gestational diabetes, and now there is Mec. I have to have a C Section. I cry like I have never cried, but decide I will not be a victim to this. I make the decision myself and Jason and I decide to be brave and we smile and hold hands. 3:00pm -They wheel me in, and before I get to the room, I close my eyes. I do not want to see this. I do not want to remember this. I start to fade away as they give me more drugs, voices talk to me but I do not answer. The pain makes me scream out, and they give me more drugs but I can still feel so much. I can hear the Student Doctor scrambling to give me more drugs. In the foggy distance I hear a baby cry and my heart breaks because I feel so far away and I know that was my baby. Jack Roman Linder is born at 3:34pm, 10 pounds 8 ounces and 20 inches long. His cord is wrapped twice around his neck. I drift in and out again. I wake up in my room, with a nurse and our Doula. Jason is gone and I cannot see my baby. I ask for them and they tell me Jason is with the baby in the Nicu. I am so foggy and I hear the nurse say if I can wake up they will take me in to see my son at 6:00pm. I sit up and slap myself. 6 comes and goes but she won't take me. Jason comes in some time later and we cry. His eyes look like he is holding the world on his shoulders. 9:00pm- I keep my heavy eyes open long enough to hear Jason tell me about how when Jack was born his heart rate went up to 300 bpm, and they have him in the Nicu, and he will be there for a week, and I have to be prepared as he has lots of tubes, and is in an oxygen bed. They wheel me in on a gurney, I can only see his feet, and I try to crane my head to see his face. I touch his little toes and I lose it. They take me upstairs and I sleep through the night.
Sunday 11/9/08- Jasons parents come down, so does my sister and her husband. They all bring food and smiles and make me feel better about the whole situation. I am determined to hold my baby, so I get up and start walking. I go downstairs to the Nicu and spend many hours holding his toes and touching his face under the oxygen bed.
Monday 11/10/08- We are able to hold him. I also get to breastfeed which makes me feel like everything is going to be ok. The Nurses throw around medical terms, and I don't understand why he is down there. We get the run around and we start to feel like they are just being rediculous with all the things they are testing our son for. The day passes as I go from the NICU to the nurses station for my pain meds. My incision scar is painful but healing well.
Tuesday 11/11/08- Our doula comes down and Summer and we all talk about how much I don't know what's happening with my son. Jason calls the NICU and insists that a Doctor see us and tell us what is going on with our son. We have yet to see a Dr. Dr. Mannino comes up and I ask the girls to stay (emotional support) and we talk about what Jack's possible issues are. Supraventricular Tachycardia is the name of the main issue. They say they don't know why some babies get it, but very few have it return, but in case it does we can elect for a surgery when he is older to fix it. Until then we should have him on Digoxin for at least the next 6 months. Here are some of the other issues possible Meconioum inhalation so he is being treated with antibiotics. Other things are Low Platelet count, High White blood cells, Possible Abdominal Mass, Possible Tumor in his upper chest, Possible Blood Clot in his heart, Possible Nureoblastis, Presumed Pneumonia, Polycythemia, Sepsis. He has to endure the following while he is in the NICU. IV, daily heel pricks to get blood, blood pressure cuff, 4 chest monitors that stick to his chest and have alarms going off constantly, an ankle Oxygen cuff that also goes off all the time, Urine Bag, diarrhea because of the medication, Umbilical venous Catheter, Cardia Ultrasound, Abdominal Ultrasound, EKG's, Chest Xrays, ABR Screens. We have consultations with Cardiology, Occupational Therapy,Radiology, Infectious Diseases, Nutrition, Social Work, and Lactation.
Wednesday 11/12/08- I am released. We are able to stay in a fold out bed in the Social Services office so that we can be close to Jack and I can breastfeed every couple hours. We spend all of our time with Jack.
Thursday 11/13- Saturday 11/15- We sleep in our friends Van across the street from the Hospital so we can be close to Jack. I am diagnosed with Anemia from the C Section and I can feel it, but I am also very tired from little sleep and not taking the best care of myself. Jason and I promise ourselves to get more rest and on Saturday we are able to take Jack home. Officially the happiest day of my life.
So don't always get what you want, but often times you get what you need. And what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. A good example is my son, who after all of this, is so sweet and mellow. And it takes a hell of a lot to wake him up as he has had to endure quite the pestering during his last 2 weeks of life. And he likes having his diaper changed which I guess compared to putting in a new IV is not so bad. He likes it noisy and chaotic and that fits us to a T. Also I want to say that Jason and I are madly, madly in love with our little angel and are grateful for everything we went through because he was at the end of it.
You and your husband and your baby went through a heck of a lot. I am glad that you were able to come to terms with what all happened. Your story has been an inspiration to me. I also had a very difficult labor and delivery (and yelled at some hospital staff LOL). I hope you all continue to heal very quickly from this.
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