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Paying for emotional support

post #1 of 52
Thread Starter 
What if you find yourself in a situation where you want to UC, but you do not want to do it alone?

For example:

I do not want to clean up.

I do not want to catch the baby (or at least I don't during labor....I always change my mind and have someone else catch)

I want someone to pamper me during labor.

My dh, family, and friends can't do this. They are GREAT and loving support but not comfortable enough with birth to do what I NEED done.

This is why I had a midwife last time.

It bums me out though because UCers think my birth was less because I made an empowered decision to pay to get what I needed during my birth. Because I CHOSE to have the midwife catch, it changed it to a home birth not a UC. :

That bothers and hurts me. This has been a frustration of mine for a while.

If I need support that my family and friends can not offer and I can not or do not want to do myself, what other choice is there?

Thank you for listening.
post #2 of 52
How about a doula?
post #3 of 52
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Surfacing View Post
How about a doula?
I was thinking about that.

The thing is really I am asking her to do more than what is in a doula's scope. (Such as clean up) Maybe just pay her more?
post #4 of 52
You could choose to not care what other people think about your birth, because really, anyone who would rate your birth as lessor than theirs, or not "real" because of who you had in the room, doesn't matter. Your birth will be exactly what it should be when you follow your heart, and don't worry about what you'll call it based on who is or isn't there.

post #5 of 52
I'm not understanding you. Is there some sort of competition I haven't heard about? What does it matter that someone calls your birth UC vs. Homebirth? If you are happy with your birth and did what you needed to do in order to have a good birth experience I don't get what it matters.
post #6 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelBee View Post
What if you find yourself in a situation where you want to UC, but you do not want to do it alone?

For example:

I do not want to clean up.

I do not want to catch the baby (or at least I don't during labor....I always change my mind and have someone else catch)

I want someone to pamper me during labor.

My dh, family, and friends can't do this. They are GREAT and loving support but not comfortable enough with birth to do what I NEED done.

This is why I had a midwife last time.

It bums me out though because UCers think my birth was less because I made an empowered decision to pay to get what I needed during my birth. Because I CHOSE to have the midwife catch, it changed it to a home birth not a UC. :

That bothers and hurts me. This has been a frustration of mine for a while.

If I need support that my family and friends can not offer and I can not or do not want to do myself, what other choice is there?

Thank you for listening.
I don't think that certified doulas can attend births without a professional midwife or doctor. I'm not really understanding why it matters what other people think? I mean, I suppose technically, if you had a midwife there, it wouldn't be called a UC, but maybe exploring why it matters what labels others' attach to your baby's birth might be a good approach to help you find some peace with the choices you make.
If you want or need the level of support only a professional can provide, and responsibly choose to hire one, then it's not a UC. UC is when a professional's assistance is not wanted, needed, or hired for whatever reasons. It's ok!! Healthy baby and well-cared-for Mama. That's the goal no matter how it looks to others.
post #7 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by fek&fuzz View Post
You could choose to not care what other people think about your birth, because really, anyone who would rate your birth as lessor than theirs, or not "real" because of who you had in the room, doesn't matter. Your birth will be exactly what it should be when you follow your heart, and don't worry about what you'll call it based on who is or isn't there.

I agree with this. I had thought I would plan an unassisted birth, but that isn't what I need, at least this time. I have a dear friend who is a midwife that has agreed to attend my birth and I feel very comfortable with this. There is no hierarchy of birth. Do what works for you
post #8 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by artgoddess View Post
I'm not understanding you. Is there some sort of competition I haven't heard about? What does it matter that someone calls your birth UC vs. Homebirth? If you are happy with your birth and did what you needed to do in order to have a good birth experience I don't get what it matters.
:

I have been thinking about next time, and how I'd really enjoy having this one particular woman attend my birth. She was doula for my dd's hospital birth, and she came over after ds's uc and I was really happy to see her. She is so supportive and genuinely happy and excited for me. She is fully licensed mw now and I think she'd be great. If you want to have a supportive person(s) around while you birth and they are trained, and you pay them, then that is what is right for you. Don't feel like there is only one way to birth. There are lots of great ways to birth.
post #9 of 52
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by fek&fuzz View Post
You could choose to not care what other people think about your birth, because really, anyone who would rate your birth as lessor than theirs, or not "real" because of who you had in the room, doesn't matter. Your birth will be exactly what it should be when you follow your heart, and don't worry about what you'll call it based on who is or isn't there.

Thank you. That actually brought tears to my eyes. :
post #10 of 52
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamajama View Post
I don't think that certified doulas can attend births without a professional midwife or doctor. I'm not really understanding why it matters what other people think? I mean, I suppose technically, if you had a midwife there, it wouldn't be called a UC, but maybe exploring why it matters what labels others' attach to your baby's birth might be a good approach to help you find some peace with the choices you make.
If you want or need the level of support only a professional can provide, and responsibly choose to hire one, then it's not a UC. UC is when a professional's assistance is not wanted, needed, or hired for whatever reasons. It's ok!! Healthy baby and well-cared-for Mama. That's the goal no matter how it looks to others.
Well.....I don't need a professional. That is the point.

But I have no one else that is willing to do it.
post #11 of 52
Thread Starter 
I guess what is confusing and hurtful for me is that some mamas UC with a group of people around them.

I have no one willing to do that for me.

I want my back rubbed. I want my bath drawn. I want someone to clean up. I want someone to catch the baby and put it on my chest so that I can gather my thoughts and say a prayer.

No one will so this for me.

i do not need "medical assistance". i do not need advice or wisdom unsolicited.

I just need someone to listen to me and do what I say.

i just feel so disappointed and let down.



Does that make any sense?

I do not need a "midwife"

I need someone willing to help me in the way I need help.

I don't know anyone else that would do it.
post #12 of 52
there is nothing wrong with seeking out the help you need. who care's what other people label it, it's your birth.
post #13 of 52
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by artgoddess View Post
there is nothing wrong with seeking out the help you need. who care's what other people label it, it's your birth.
I care.

It bothered me last pregnancy.

It is bothering me this pregnancy.

I guess I am jealous that others have people who believe in them enough to support them during a UC birth.

I don't
post #14 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelBee View Post
I care.

It bothered me last pregnancy.

It is bothering me this pregnancy.

I guess I am jealous that others have people who believe in them enough to support them during a UC birth.

I don't
I didn't have anyone who supported me enough to birth at home, and I needed that in order to do it, so I had mine in the hospital. I guess it is all relative. I can tell you are sad about this. But from my perspective you are so far ahead of the game, I'm jealous you don't have family who would call 911 if you wanted to birth at home.

I think that I agree with the pp's in that what needs to happen for your birth to feel right to you is what should happen. And if it does bother you that you don't get to wear a UC badge then maybe you can do some work on being more self confident, and caring less about what others label you.

best of luck!
post #15 of 52
Angela,

I wonder if what you are more sad about is that you don't have anybody in your life to support you in birthing the way you want to birth. That is hard. It is very difficult to not have real life support and community. Could you spend time and energy seeking this out? You are a homeschooler, right? The homeschool community could be a great way of meeting and forming friendships with women (and families) with similar ideals as you.

As to the label of your birth, I think you need to let this go. Spend some time looking deep within yourself, asking yourself why it matters to you so much what your birth is called. There is no point dwelling and devoting negative energy to something which you do not have the power to change, especially something as insignificant as a label. If you are going to have a midwife there, then technically that isn't a UC. You just have to let go of the label. Would you feel happy if you had the exact same birth, but all the women at MDC said, "Yes, that is a UC."? If so, why? Why do you care what other people call your birth? It is what it is, no matter what you or anybody else call it?

Focus on the root of your sadness and see what you can do to change it. Whatever you cannot possibly change, you just have to let go.
post #16 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelBee View Post
I want my back rubbed. I want my bath drawn. I want someone to clean up. I want someone to catch the baby and put it on my chest so that I can gather my thoughts and say a prayer...I just need someone to listen to me and do what I say.

...I need someone willing to help me in the way I need help.
But this is what my midwife did for me. They would not have checked me if I did not ask, and they only checked babes heartbeat a once before and once during transition, and asked if they could both times. I could have said no with no problem they said. They could tell I was doing just what I was supposed to...and they left me alone. It really was DH and I that labored and they were only there to catch babe (and do their normal thing after the birth). They would have let me catch if I wanted to. And they were there to call 911 or to take action if something went wrong. After the way I felt pushing ds out, I do not believe I could have performed resucitation (but then we do unbelievable things when adrenaline kicks in!) PS - they would have rubbed my back if I wanted them to, and they did pitch in encouraging words during transition, while DH sat silent...

I agree with Chrissy and other pp's that you need to let the label of what your birth was go. Was it the birth you wanted? Were you allowed to birth in the manner way you wanted - natural with no interventions? If so, why is it problematic that you have a "midwife" there to serve your needs, whatever they may be??

I had NOONE willing to support my home birth. Everyone that would have been out the waiting room in a hospital birth thought I was nuts and told me so. Therefore, they were not asked to be there for me. I could not do all the things that the mw's did. I am glad they were there, even if that means mine is called a "home birth".

{{Hugs}} I am sorry this is so troubling to you. I hope you find some answers and have the birth you want with this baby!
post #17 of 52
So do you feel there is something really special about having an unassisted birth? Because applying the term "uc" or "not uc" means something to you, you ought to try to define what it is about "uc" that is so great, or what about "not uc" that makes you feel so disappointed.

Yes, it would be great if you had people around you who would be happy to support you no matter where you wanted to birth. My dh supported me in my hospital birth, and in my uc birth. In the hospital, all he did, literally, was rest his warm hand on the small of my back during contractions. And during my uc, he loaded the car so we could go to the hotel, watched dd, and cleaned up. I was drawn to uc because I really don't like having people touch me in labor, and I don't like being confronted with a bunch of strangers, which is what happened during my hospital birth. My uc was a great experience, but afterwards I realized that it would also be great to have a supportive woman there with more knowledge than me.

If having a woman there to support you, rub your back, draw you a bath, catch the baby and hand her to you, and clean up afterwards is what you want and need to have a happy labor and birth, and feel unhindered, then that is what is right for you. "Midwife" mean "with woman", and if you can hire someone who is there for you and doesn't direct you or get in the way of your labor, and can attend all those wants and needs - beyond the 'medical assistance' aspect - then that is who should be there for you.

I did not have a group of people supporting me during labor. If my family hadn't been across the country from me they probably would have given me a really hard time about my birthing choice. I didn't have friends in the area. I had to leave my own home and go birth in a hotel room because my obnoxious old MIL was living in my cramped 1000 sq. ft. house and monopolizing my crappy little bathroom. My mom chewed me out over the phone when I called the next morning to announce the arrival of her grandson, because "anything" could have happened and she had just been holding back, waiting to unload on me. Are you jealous of my uc birth? Do you really think someone like me would think less of a woman who got to have a supportive mw-attended birth?

I get that you want to have a supportive network of friendly, helpful faces around you during your birthing time, AND you want to be able to birth unhindered/unassisted - but I don't think that applying the term UC guarantees such a thing. Many women UC because they do not feel supported - by anyone - and therefore choose to birth alone or at least far less supported than they desire.
post #18 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelBee View Post
I guess I am jealous that others have people who believe in them enough to support them during a UC birth.

I don't
I can relate to this feeling. Other then my husband and my midwife NO ONE in my life supports my decision on where and how I have this baby. All woman should have the support of other woman during this time, and in this day and age we just dont.


I wish I could help you mama, I really do. But I am sending plenty of long distance s to you.
post #19 of 52
Thread Starter 
I just lost another long post :
post #20 of 52
i am having the same hospital team around me for this birth as the last BECAUSE of the emotional support, not the medical support. they were a hand holding, listening, respectful, footrubbing bunch who loved up both me and my dh.
and did all the cleaning up!

dont buy into some idea about what categories of birth are better or worse. thats just horsepoop. do whats best for you!
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