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Paying for emotional support - Page 3

post #41 of 52
(((hugz))) wish I could be there to help you out.
If I did'nt have my husbands support I would have to hire a midwife as well, as I would'nt be willing to go it completely alone and there are no other supportive people in my life.
Since you liked your last midwife, I would contact her and see if she can recommend someone that you might mesh with.
I think you are making an informed decision based upon what you know you need, and that is great!
In my mind it is no longer empowered birth when a woman throws her hands up in the air and lets someone else take control of decisions for her and her child. That does not sound like what you are doing at all.
post #42 of 52
I birth with a ton of people around me! I love it!! BUT...I caught my babies, and it was wonderful. Actually, my husband caught Cabhan and my MIL caught Aile.

That said, I have had people ask me to come and share their space while they birth. I have had someone ask to come and check out a placenta post birth. I have come and watched kids. I think that you can certainly find someone to come and be with you, while not intruding on your birthing space.

I love my midwife, but I also feel blessed to have one that doesn't intrude. I want to BE a midwife, but at the same time, I understand UC.

I think that while you would be able to find a doula willing to attend a birth where she might step out of scope, you would have to understand her not being able to do something like stop a bleed, or help out sticky shoulders. She has no training to do this. At the same time, I can't imagine anyone seeing something like that and not doing something. But again, I want to be a midwife, so my thoughts are probably skewed. There are newer traditional midwifes here, apprentice trained, that would probably be willing to come and be with you, without interfearing.
post #43 of 52
um, i'm a UCer and i do not think that your birth was "lesser" because you wanted or required a MW or any other kind of support that you wanted.

there's nothing wrong with not UCing! it's really not for everyone. i think that everyone should be prepped for it just in case (precipitous birth!), but people need different things. if you need a doula, a midwife, a doctor, or whomever else around--who is anyone to think it's lesser?

perhaps you think/feel that it's lesser and then assume that others do too?

anyway, if you want a midwife or doula, then have one or five or 100!
post #44 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by fek&fuzz View Post
You could choose to not care what other people think about your birth, because really, anyone who would rate your birth as lessor than theirs, or not "real" because of who you had in the room, doesn't matter. Your birth will be exactly what it should be when you follow your heart, and don't worry about what you'll call it based on who is or isn't there.

I couldn't say it better
post #45 of 52
and while i did have an awesome birth, sometimes i think that it would have been neat or better to have had a present, connected community of women with me, particuarly of the shamanistic sort, during the birth. a 'midwife' of the spiritual sort.

i am a bit saddened that often to get even the most modest forms of support we need, we have to rely on a small group of medical professionals (midwives) with whom we may or may not gel.

if one finds a midwife with whom one can gel, who will leave a bit unhindered, and support the mother in her need, then this is a great blessing indeed--particularly if that is what you want, the sort of support that you can only find in this sort of thing.

yk?
post #46 of 52
It sounds like you need a friend more than anything :, someone you can trust enough to let you have the birth you want and who trusts you enough to let you have the birth you want.

UC is not a competition. The people who present it as such, may be the ones for whom birthing is an essentially inward experience concerning themselves and their baby (and perhaps a partner). But many people want that village, that circle of wise women (or men, or children) to co-welcome baby to the world. Their births are not worth less, birthing in a group is not worth less than birthing as the lone rugged individual that Americans grow up viewing as some ideal.

The best birth is a safe and happy birth. The birth that makes baby and you feel safe and happy is the best birth for your baby. And with your post count, I bet you'll have made some friends here who will be thrilled to share your baby's arrival with you
post #47 of 52
I'm chiming in as another doula who would happily and lovingly provide the services you outlined. Although I have fulfilled all of the requirments to be certified, I choose not to do so, so that I can support mamas in multiple ways, much like you're describing here.

Big hugs : for you on your journey, mama. I hope your birth is all that you hope and imagine it to be.
post #48 of 52
I doula'd for a UC birth. And I helped clean up. I enjoyed serving her this way. I wouldn't pay a doula more, because I expect the doula to be my handmaiden in my birth, if I hire one in the future. I expect her to do for me what I would do for a doula client of mine. From experience, I know that while she might wipe my legs from the dripping blood while I am trying to get my panties with a pad on after a shower or clean up a mess or hold a placenta bowl, she will also NOT have to deal with any of the mental headache that goes along with dealing with hospital personnel that do not understand or respect a woman's wishes in labor, helping me to the bathroom with my IV stand, or eat out of a hospital vending machine while she waits.
If you hire a doula, I would tell her up front why you want a doula. If she's going to be picky about something like cleaning up?? I would interview someone else.

And I agree that a birth is not any less 'unhindered' if it is supported by a midwife that respects you and understands that you are really the one birthing the baby. What hinders others might not hinder you. That's ok. I don't think unassisted is that pretty of a word. While my son's birth was unassisted by a midwife or doctor, it WAS assisted by my God, myself, my husband, and my mom. And really, I called a supportive midwife in the area twice in my pregnancy and once after birth. Does that mean she assisted me too? I like UNHINDERED better.

Just to let you know, AngelBee, I'm not sure if I'll go unassisted this time or hire a midwife either. I want an unhindered birth like I had the last three times. One was attended by a hands-off midwife, one was completely solo miscarraige, and one I talked about in the previous paragraph. I end up lonely for my birth choices too, and I like the conveniences of hiring someone to help with birth certificates. But I get nervous that I will hire one that seems great until I'm in labor. I'm new to the area, so I am starting fresh in getting to know the birth scene...at the same time planning my birth.

Hugs to you! I hope we both get some clarity soon with our dilemnas.
post #49 of 52


I'm sorry you are feeling so alone. I know that feeling.

I think that a woman should birth in the way that is most comfortable for her. If you would feel better having a hands off midwife or a doula, then that's what you should have. If you would feel better birthing because you know you have someone to rub your back and clean your house afterward, then that is exactly what you should do. Your comfort should trump any label.
post #50 of 52
Too bad I don't live near you. Otherwise I would totally be at your birth. I think your dh should be able to handle cleaning up, and you can do anything in labor, because you know you only have so much time until the next one hits.
I do think hiring a mw who will act as a doula will be a great compromize. I am considering that for myself right now.
post #51 of 52
My first two children were born at home with midwives. With my third we were living in a town that had no midwives accessible so I decided to UC instead of going to the hospital. (I may have gone to the hospital if they would have allowed the birthing pool there though.)

All three of my birthing experiences were positive and I wouldn't change a thing. However, with my third birth I really missed the emotional support that I received from my midwife with my first two. I had similar labours with my first and third. During transition with my first my midwife really grounded me and helped me relax. With my third I didn't have that and I really missed it. I remember thinking, "There's no way I can do this for another couple of hours." If my midwife had been there she could have reassured me that I'd be okay and that we were almost there. (DD2 was born about 15 minutes later.) I almost mourn the lack of emotional support because I know that I would have been more relaxed with it. My mom and DH were there but they really didn't do anything. They were willing to give support, they just didn't know how.

For my next baby (we're TTC but it's sort of hard to do if you're not ovulating) I will probably have another UC because we're still living in the same town. If we moved to a place with midwives I would definitely have one. For me, I don't feel like I'm more special for UC'ing. It was simply a more favourable alternative to having a hospital, non-waterbirth. Those were basically the only two choices I had.
post #52 of 52
I have watched this thread since it you first posted. It is near and dear to me/my situation.

(see my history in sig) This time, #5, I have had a midwife attended pregnancy thus far. At first, I was super excited about it - but felt like 'i had a secret' when I came home to the UC boards. Could I be 'here' if I wasnt going to have a UC necessarily? Most of these women don't judge your choice, and many mw/homebirthers participate here as well from what I have seen. But- I alas felt 'funny' about which label I would get.I like fourlittlebirds blog and opinions and 'name' she gives UC = 'autonomous birth'. There is a line drawn by some - but I think the most important one - is the you draw for yourself...getting what you want & need despite anything else.

She is a friend, and was my midwife with #2. I have lately (at 24-ish weeks) started thinking more about the birth...and am having a hard time placing my friend/midwife there. I have seen here work - I doula - and I know she is a 'hands off' non-interferring care provider, but I am concerned about the ...I dont know that there are words for it. I am VERY sensitive - hyper-aware in the emotional/energetic/psychic ways. I *see* and feel things that fly over most people's radar and awareness.

So- to have someone present who is not appreciative of all the dimensions and there realness/importance - and perhaps acting/speaking blind to their own inner thoughts and motives will be a big distraction and cause for sadness to me. At my 2 UC's, I had my husband and mother, and husband and best friend who also UC'ed. I know their energy well - and they do not interfere/distract me.. however - I did not have the support I would have given another mother when I doula. That made me sad. My friend/midwife and I do not spend a ton of time together - she is a busy midwife! So- I don't feel entirely like I 'know' her in that way to be completely comfortable about her right now. I like her very very much- and know she provides excellent medical care. I am struggling with this too.

I doula- and would do a birth like yours. I would likely have you sign a letter about what you are asking me to do - and that you know I am not a midwife etc. just because I don't know you, and people do crappy things sometimes. Its just a cya thing- I know other vbac moms who attend/doula/birth sit for other moms UC'ing because they cant get a VBAC with anyone else legally. (sad)

I am inspired by your thread and in writing my response and will be seeing about finding a support person who I feel entirely comfortable with.
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