December dating thread!!! - Page 6

[JohnnysGirl]

Oh my gosh I'm laughing out loud, Seie. You are cracking me up. The bed activities are your forte and you're worried about making conversation over a restaurant luncheon. ROFLMAO.......

You'll be fine. Let him take you out on a proper date, it's a good sign. Trust me, if things are sparking, he'll find a way of squeezing in some post-lunch-burning-off-the-calories activities before the time is up. Just hang in there, relax, be cool, breathe, pick out your outfit, do something else, breathe, think about other things occasionally, remember that it seems he IS 'into you', breathe.....

[Seie]

LOL hehe - Yep you are right. It looks like I ran into a traditional kind of guy. This could turn out even more interesting than I had hoped to begin with...

[guestmama9915]

Butterfly, Seie, this has been very entertaining. for some people I think it's just not so mind consuming, or they are better at dealing with things. I know the old friend/long distance guy for me is like that. It made me crazy. Like, hello!??! I want to talk/be with you RIGHT NOW and you can only think about work?

So I ended up not going on that date yesterday. We haven't rescheduled and I'm not sure I want to. Don't really want to post specifics as to why, just there is no long term future there, and I'm not sure I want to bother.

I definitely need some new clothes, though. I've lost a lot of weight the last few months and all my clothes is too big!!

I've been chatting with a lot of potential people lately online. It's been really fun. I don't have the kids this weekend, hoping to get a real date with someone that has more future potential. Hee hee!

[Seie]

Tripleaces: I agree - dont bother if its not worth the bother Good luck finding a good date for the weekend.

For me I reckon - if it doesnt completely consume me, its not good enough. This time I want a guy that I am CRAZY about - not just ok with kwim? And this guy - yep - I have only known him short, but I really am crazy about him. The more I find out about him, the more I want to know.. Looks like I really lost my heart..

[Anne2008]

I'm thinking of telling my guy something very personal and a big deal next week, and see how he reacts to it. It's to do with me having an illness. I think he should know Im not 100% well physically, and understand what I go through dealing with it, so has some idea of what he's in for if we stay together. I would rather tell him now and have him finish things sooner than wait and get closer to him only to tell him and have him leave me later on. What do you think? Im scared to discuss it with him, but I know I need to.

So my guy phoned me last night, we had a good conversation. At the end of it I found out he had been talking to me while driving though, so I said he better go (it's illegal) and he said yes but he really wanted to speak to me and couldn't wait so I said I had really wanted to speak to him too, which I had. I look forward to his phone calls now

I agree too tripleaces, why waste your time with him if you know there's no long term future for you two together? Maybe you could be friends instead?

Seie you're so funny! I can't imagine going to bed with a guy on the first date like that, you must have so much confidence! I can barely kiss my guy for goodness sake! LOL I think it's nice he wants to take you out to eat, if all you do together is have sex, how do you know if he's really into you and wants something real, or is just using you for sex? I don't remember if you have said already, sorry if you have but what are you looking for, relationship or just some fun right now? Just curious.

[Seie]

Anne: Good that you had some nice conversations. Do be careful though. Be very aware of situations where he is putting blame on you for his behaviour/mood etc. He may be a good guy - just - be careful. Coming from one who overlooked all the warning signs early in a relationship..

How do I know a guy is not using me? Well - how does he know I'm not using him? He doesnt. Its fair game. You are only being used if you allow someone to use you.
I consider myself equal to any man. I have equal needs and rights and I will not be part of the "men want sex, women want love"-myth. I believe a big deal of that view on women has to do with women being brought up to believe they are not allowed to have sexual needs and that giving in to ones sexual desire is somehow wrong, cheap or dirty. I am brougth up to believe my body is my own, and that I am allowed to use it in the way that I want.

Me confident? Yes on some levels. I feel confident in my body - and as a person too. But when it comes to love I am as insecure as anyone else - as I think it shines through in my previous posts. What am I looking for right now? It depends on the person. I pretty much just set out to have some fun, and should the right person come along I would definately be ready for a real relationship. Now it looks like I have a knight in shining armor inviting me out. Yep I definately see potential for a real longlasting relationship here. Hopefully he feels the same..

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by Seie

. He may be a good guy - just - be careful. Coming from one who overlooked all the warning signs early in a relationship....

: We may be paranoid, but better to be safe than sorry. And I just wanna hold out for someone whom I just know deep in my gut would never be abusive because of how far on the other side of the spectrum they come across to me from the beginning, and all along the way, no red flag feelings or possible pink flags either. LOL Just, no flags, period. Now i'm being silly, sorry!

Originally Posted by Seie

How do I know a guy is not using me? Well - how does he know I'm not using him? He doesnt. Its fair game. You are only being used if you allow someone to use you. I consider myself equal to any man. I have equal needs and rights and I will not be part of the "men want sex, women want love"-myth. I believe a big deal of that view on women has to do with women being brought up to believe they are not allowed to have sexual needs and that giving in to ones sexual desire is somehow wrong, cheap or dirty. I am brougth up to believe my body is my own, and that I am allowed to use it in the way that I want.
Me confident? Yes on some levels. I feel confident in my body - and as a person too.

bolding mine
: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :

So true, young lady (I assume you're young, but I dunno how old you are! I have this feeling that you are a bit younger than me, and I am 29--how far off am I?).
I think if you are confident and get what you want from men, you're never being used. Of course once your heart gets involved, then it's vulnerability time, which leaves us normally confident women puddles of longing and hoping and nervousness..... It's hard for us to make the switch and be comfortable in this position of feeling so....weak, isn't it, Seie??! I'm usually so cocky and self-assured with men, and they are the ones falling in love and I'm just sort of taking what I want from them and leaving the rest, until I tire of them or it seems unethical to lead them on further if they are acting goofy in love....

[DanishMom]

Originally Posted by Seie

How do I know a guy is not using me? Well - how does he know I'm not using him? He doesnt. Its fair game. You are only being used if you allow someone to use you.
I consider myself equal to any man. I have equal needs and rights and I will not be part of the "men want sex, women want love"-myth. I believe a big deal of that view on women has to do with women being brought up to believe they are not allowed to have sexual needs and that giving in to ones sexual desire is somehow wrong, cheap or dirty. I am brougth up to believe my body is my own, and that I am allowed to use it in the way that I want.

Me confident? Yes on some levels. I feel confident in my body - and as a person too. But when it comes to love I am as insecure as anyone else - as I think it shines through in my previous posts. What am I looking for right now? It depends on the person. I pretty much just set out to have some fun, and should the right person come along I would definately be ready for a real relationship. Now it looks like I have a knight in shining armor inviting me out. Yep I definately see potential for a real longlasting relationship here. Hopefully he feels the same..

Actually I do disagree with you on one thing: I think woman need sex more than men! BTW I think any man who is worth being with would be proud and happy to have a partner who wants to have sex with as much as he wants it or more. And sex and love does not exclude one another - on the contrary. Lust is love and love is lust - or whatever

Seie: You are my fellow Dane here on MDC. Glad to have you here.

[DanishMom]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

bolding mine
: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :

So true, young lady (I assume you're young, but I dunno how old you are! I have this feeling that you are a bit younger than me, and I am 29--how far off am I?).
I think if you are confident and get what you want from men, you're never being used. Of course once your heart gets involved, then it's vulnerability time, which leaves us normally confident women puddles of longing and hoping and nervousness..... It's hard for us to make the switch and be comfortable in this position of feeling so....weak, isn't it, Seie??! I'm usually so cocky and self-assured with men, and they are the ones falling in love and I'm just sort of taking what I want from them and leaving the rest, until I tire of them or it seems unethical to lead them on further if they are acting goofy in love....

Cross-posting butterflymom. We seem to agree - we would make great friends you know

[mmace]

Marissa, can you briefly fill me in on the marriage stumbling block thing? It's fine if it's not my business.

Butterflymom, we are just at a difference of opinions on the *when* of marriage. One of us is waiting till all of the little ducks are lined up in a row - timing with kids, where to live, wanting to be the "provider" for everyone without taking into account that partner has money plus will be selling a house, etc. The other of us is more wanting to just take a leap of faith and know that God will provide that net. It's kind of like having a baby - if you wait for the "perfect time" it may just never happen.

There is no doubt that we both want the same thing, there just comes a point in your life where saying "ultimately we're going to get married" isn't always enough.

You know?

[Seie]

Marissa: I hope you can sort the marriage question out - in the end it is a piece of paper. Its the feelings that count and it sounds like you really love eachother. I really hope it works out for you two

Butterflymom and Danishmom
You know we three would make a good bunch of girlfriends
Butterflymom Its a bit funny that you thought I was younger than you. Dont know if I should take that as a compliment, or a hint that maybe I am - ehe - immature for my age.. Well we are actually pretty close in age. Im 31. Yeah - I probably am immature when it comes to love. I have never had problems getting the men that I want - its just holding on to them has been pretty impossible so far. Before I met my ex I had my heart broken so many times - that is probably why I come across insecure in matters of love. I always was a bit too much to handle for most men - a bit too sharp, coming on a bit too masculine and strong probably? I dont know. I have had plenty men want me - they were just always a tad too boring for me - I have had a bad habit in the past of falling for the ones I couldnt get .. I can hope that my recent experience has matured me enough to make wiser choices this time around.. Now I just need to learn to relax and let the man be the man..

Oh - on a different note - The kids are with their father till tomorrow evening so I went out and spoiled myself a bit today. Bought myself some nice boots, a sweater for my date tomorrow (a small one to go over the romantic dress I picked out - now I just hope I didnt loose too much weight to wear it) and went to the hairdresser and had a wash and cut Will update you tomorrow when I know how things go.. (oh dear - that nervousness is sneaking up on me again..)

Its great to be able to come here with my love and dating speculations - noone else really gives a **** and I so NEEEED to talk about the one single thing (person) on my mind these days.. So thanks for being here everyone..

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by DanishMom

Cross-posting butterflymom. We seem to agree - we would make great friends you know

Yeah, perhaps we would. Who knows.

Originally Posted by Seie

Marissa: I hope you can sort the marriage question out - in the end it is a piece of paper. Its the feelings that count and it sounds like you really love eachother. I really hope it works out for you two

I totally agree. Love is hard to find in this world, ....real love & compatibiltiy, anyway. It's just a piece of paper and if you guys are able to make each other happy here and now, today, and it looks good for the future, then the concept of marriage shoudln't be the only thing that comes in and messes everything up. I really hope it works out, too.

Seie, ---yes, you and DanishMom & I should hang out the next time I'm in Denmark....do you live near her? And Seie, come here and talk about it 6 times per day if you need to. I totally understand, when it's on your midn all the time you MUST discuss/hash it out with girlfriends!

[mmace]

Marissa: I hope you can sort the marriage question out - in the end it is a piece of paper. Its the feelings that count and it sounds like you really love eachother. I really hope it works out for you two

I agree to a point. For us, though, we have no plans to merge households until we are married, so that opens up another set of issues - from money issues (two mortgages, two gas bills, etc.), to sleeping alone night after night, to wanting someone to truly be your life partner. Know what I mean?

We *will* work it out one way or the other - it is just becoming more difficult for both of us this way.

Thanks for your good thoughts!

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by mmace

I agree to a point. For us, though, we have no plans to merge households until we are married, so that opens up another set of issues - from money issues (two mortgages, two gas bills, etc.), to sleeping alone night after night, to wanting someone to truly be your life partner. Know what I mean?

We *will* work it out one way or the other - it is just becoming more difficult for both of us this way.

Thanks for your good thoughts!

I have been reading your dating journey and I understand and respect the path you have chosen. Hope it getting easier for both of you. (((HUGS)))

[emma_goldman]

wow, this is a long one -a lot has happened!

love abounds here! it is so good to read all the mutually supportive messages!

okay, so my situation has just changed from having 1/2 time (including nights!) with DS to only a few afternoons off during the week and EOW off. I was taking FULL advantage of having nights off by spending nights or going out with new-ish BF about 2-3 times a week.

Now, we tried doing a movie night at my house while DS was asleep, but he woke up while we were making out and i was acting funny, so he didn't settle back to sleep immediately (either DS didn't notice BF -it was dark- or he is VERY perceptive in knowing this is something i don't want him to know about. I interviewed him casually about the incident the next day and the day after and he didn't say anything about BF).

I have a full bed set up but i have room for another (that night, i has DS asleep in his playroom on a toddler-sized mattress but he wanted to get in bed with me). I'm thinking I'll try to settle him on the big bed and then have another full bed set up in the other room (????? advice ????).

At any rate, i don't want STBX (we've been separated for 1 1/2 years) to know about BF until i have the chance to tell him (we have plans to meet next week to work out more divorce details)... and this is the first of either of us having a dating situation so I'm kinda nervous. any experience with this? my guess is that STBX is going to be less giving and accommodating and will be resentful (he will occasionally test for sex -but doesn't get any- , etc.).

So, should I start getting babysitters or keep trying to do movie nights? BF is a VERY out-and-about guy but he's been sweet about trying to adjust with me -when the schedule changed he immediately invited me out to an early dinner out (I'm free in afternoons/early eves). BF and I have talked about spending time with DS but we're not going to move ahead on it until i've talked with STBX.

i am realizing that i'm uncertain about bringing BF into DS's world, although i didn't have any hesitation until now (does it really make it hard on kids to get attached to a SO and then have things change? is going through partners bad relationship modeling?)...

anyone have recommended reading on this or experience? i'm not sure that this relationship is going to weather upcoming changes like a move out of state (in a year), etc.

I'd love to have your insights, o insightful ladies!

[mmace]

I have been reading your dating journey and I understand and respect the path you have chosen. Hope it getting easier for both of you. (((HUGS)))

Thank you so much - that really means a lot to me. So many people don't understand...

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by Anne2008

butterflymom I appreciate your honesty and opinion. Could you possibly tell me what the red flags are? I know they are signs something is wrong with the guy, and the relationship isn't going to work out, but what are those signs exactly? -Then I can make sure to look out for those things.

I am not butterflymom, but I see several red flags. It could indicate something is wrong with the guy you are seeing, it could be you are not quite ready to date or it could be "you are just not that into him". To me the red flags are your level of discomfort.

This month alone you have felt:

- Uncomfortable with him kissing your cheek
- Uncomfortable with him wrapping his arm around your back
- Uncomfortable holding his hand
- Uncomfortable leaving DS and going out on a date beyond walking the dog
- Uncomfortable with him wanting to chat everyday
- Uncomfortable with the possible "I love you"
- Uncomfortable with the the french kiss
- Uncomfortable with talking to him on the phone with DS around
- Uncomfortable with his desire to meet DS

These are just the items off the top of my head, I am sure if I go back in this thread I can actually find more, but that is 9 items from "my" memory of your discomfort and it is only the 12th of December. 9 items of discomfort in 12 days would make me at least spend some time reflecting on if I was ready to date & if the person I was dating was the right one at the right time.

[Mama Dragon]

Anne, I agree with LoveOhm's list, this guy isn't for you. I remember in a past thread someone mentioned counseling and you weren't sure what you needed it for, but I think it would help a lot with your social anxiety - I am not saying this out of meanness, but caring for your happiness You deserve to feel comfortable with yourself and know if someone will or won't be worth your time. I think after this much time you'd be loosening up if it was going to work, but you aren't

Long distance relationships suck, especially when there is a border (with a stbx not allowing crossing yet) and money woes preventing visits. But I'm still happy with him (sure wish I could say more, but I'm not ready to here yet).

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by emma_goldman

love abounds here! it is so good to read all the mutually supportive messages!

okay, so my situation has just changed from having 1/2 time (including nights!) with DS to only a few afternoons off during the week and EOW off. I was taking FULL advantage of having nights off by spending nights or going out with new-ish BF about 2-3 times a week.

Now, we tried doing a movie night at my house while DS was asleep, but he woke up while we were making out and i was acting funny, so he didn't settle back to sleep immediately (either DS didn't notice BF -it was dark- or he is VERY perceptive in knowing this is something i don't want him to know about. I interviewed him casually about the incident the next day and the day after and he didn't say anything about BF).

I have a full bed set up but i have room for another (that night, i has DS asleep in his playroom on a toddler-sized mattress but he wanted to get in bed with me). I'm thinking I'll try to settle him on the big bed and then have another fukk bed set up in the other room (????? advice ????).

At any rate, i don't want STBX (we've been separated for 1 1/2 years) to know about BF until i have the chance to tell him (we have plans to meet next week to work out more divorce details)... and this is the first of either of us having a dating situation so I'm kinda nervous. any experience with this? my guess is that STBX is going to be less giving and accommodating and will be resentful (he will occasionally test for sex -but doesn't get any- , etc.).

So, should I start getting babysitters or keep trying to do movie nights? BF is a VERY out-and-about guy but he's been sweet about trying to adjust with me -when the schedule changed he immediately invited me out to an early dinner out (I'm free in afternoons/early eves). BF and I have talked about spending time with DS but we're not going to move ahead on it until i've talked with STBX.

i am realizing that i'm uncertain about bringing BF into DS's world, although i didn't have any hesitation until now (does it really make it hard on kids to get attached to a SO and then have things change? is going through partners bad relationship modeling?)...

anyone have recommended reading on this or experience? i'm not sure that this relationship is going to weather upcoming changes like a move out of state (in a year), etc.

I'd love to have your insights, o insightful ladies!

I am happy you have a new SO that you are happy with. My personal thought is to not have your SO around your son IF you do not want your STBX to know or your divorce settlement to be affected. Once you don't mind your STBX knowing then you can decide to reconsider. Rule of thumb for me is if you feel the need to sneak then don't do it with your kid around.


In my situation I would not want my ex to know about a new significant love interest until 1) Our parenting plan including custody, child support & my ex paying for private school were signed and filed with the courts and 2) my love interest was committed to being long-term i.e. we were moving in together or seriously talking about marriage.

My personal thoughts on a SO meeting children is honestly "it depends" on many factors.

I have a few close male friends from childhood and my daughter has four uncles & she is extremely social in "controlled settings" --- so I would not blink about having my daughter casually meet a SO in a "group" setting. I would see how they "both" interact in that group setting which would most likely set the tone for a SO possible seeing more of my daughter. Once I am in a bigger place and my daughter sleeps thru the night I think I would be okay with a SO hanging out at night (but not spending the night) IF he had gotten to the point that SO was not a stranger to my daughter. Before that point for me means I would need a sitter!

Which brings me to why I am on here I need advice on "my" sitter ad! I will post it!

Best of luck mama and keep us posted.

[Seie]

So I really am fighting with being veeeeery sensitive to guys little hints and not-hints and whatever.
I have a date with my guy today. We couldnt get together yesterday because he was invited to a christmas party at his job. I had a similar party last week, yet managed to make him a priority the next day - getting home early from the party so I could spend the day with him. I had expected him to do the same. He just texted me that he cant be here till almost one in the afternoon. That leaves us 3 hours together.
I am bummed. I feel that he really didnt make me a priority. I am on the verge of just telling him that he needn't bother - ofcourse I wont do that cause I am too scared I'll regret that later. But I am really - angry and disappointed. And I am pretty sure it's gonna shine through when I meet him.
Am I overreacting? Or is this another thing that adds up to the little things I have felt in the past days - that I am more eager to make contact etc?
I just know that all week last week I felt really really good about this - I really felt like this was something. Right now I am not sure its worth all the days and hours I have been suffering so far..
I absolutely totally hate this. Being in love is great at times, but the pain is sometimes hardly worth it