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December dating thread!!! - Page 10

post #181 of 265
Thread Starter 
I just wanted to pop in and say that I have been following all of your stories and My heart goes out to all of you

I am just so happy right now with bf I knew it could happen, but life kept getting in the way. Now that he is here my life has been harder to balance out though. I have a hard time keeping up my yoga practice, my dance practice and even my time here (I have to spend a certain amount of time as a mod). I don't want to let certain parts of myself go, and I was spending ALOT of time yoga-ing and dancing... I can still do it but will have to reframe my schedule. After the holidays he is going to join me for yoga Dancing is another story. It takes alot of time to practice and choreograph (if I have shows) I don't really want him to bellydance with me

When he moves in it will be a challenge (oh did I mention that we have decided that we will get married, but it is on the down low until he gets me a ring in the spring (as I mention it on the web ) :

I may not post often in here, but I am here lurking with you all
post #182 of 265
Holland I am so happy for you too! : It's great to hear you are so happy with your guy and everything is going so well for you guys!! Congrats!

tripleacesThanks for sharing that! So it's okay not to sit real close with a guy or be affectionate all the time? Im so clueless about these things lol. I was hoping he would hold my hand in the cinema and it was nice that he finally did, but when he kept moving his hand around on mine I didn't know what to do so I just sort of left my hand there for him to do whatever yk? lol I think he wanted to kiss me at one point during the movie, because he looked at me and asked if I was alright, and I said yes and then looked straight back at the movie before he had chance LOL I know, I suck.

SyntheaThanks for your thoughts on the stuff Im feeling about this guy and my son. It must be because it has been just me and DS for 6 years, and all of a sudden there's this new person in my life who I still barely even know, and its scary. Im trying to think it's good for a child to see their parent have a relationship, it just feels wrong somehow, like im taking my time away from 100% focussing on my son, to focus on a guy a little bit yk? I guess it's just going to take some time to get used to it, because since having my son I have been so comitted to raising him and being a good mom, that I pretty much stopped having my own life, and now to be doing something (dating someone) that is for myself and not for DS, it feels like im somehow going against my son. :

belovedKGreat to hear things are going so well for you guys! Congrats on getting engaged!!! Any baby news yet? This must be such an exciting time for you!

Since it's now the School Christmas Vacation time and DS will be with me constantly, I will not be seeing my guy for 2 weeks.

ETA About the push -We were standing in a queue and I was stood a little bit behind him and he must have wanted me to stand next to him, so he put his hand on my back and pushed me forward. It wasn't a rough push, it just seemed a bit strange and felt like a controlling pushing me into place type push yk? He could have said "come stand next to me" or "move forward a bit" instead.
post #183 of 265
BelovedK, that's great!!

Anne, It's really what you're comfortable with, what you need from a relationship, etc. Six years just you and DS is a huge change. What is that YOU want from this? It sounds like you didn't appreciate the "push" thing, and there are things like that you might want to discuss with him...

I come from a very different situation where I left my ex, we were never married, and honestly shouldn't have had 3 kids together. Of course, they are the most amazing 3 kids and I would never change that, but I guess I always knew we'd never "make it". So I jumped into dating quickly, had that short lived relationship with an old friend right off the bat, etc. So definitely don't take anything I'm doing on my dates as what's expected. :P

There *is* no expected. It's finding what suits you and what you want, and if he isn't doing it or can't do/give it, then he's not the right guy. But it seems no matter you're learning a lot from this, so that's good.
post #184 of 265

Going into panic mode about my date monday!

I realize that I have no clothing... Either I have work clothes or house clothes. Work clothes are too stuffy, I think, and I'm certainly not going to show up in yoga pants :-) I really want to treat myself to something decent (we have awesome consignment stores here), but ds is not feeling well, so shopping is out of the question. Maybe I'll see how he feels later, although I still don't know what to buy!

Thanks for the suggestion of looking up the restaurant online. I couldn't see that much in terms of pics, but there were no prices on the menu and it's a very popular place, so I'm assuming I should wear nice pants instead of jeans. I don't know... I guess I could call them, but I don't know what to ask! Times like this it would be good to have more single mommy friends IRL to get excited with. My married friends don't seem to really get the nervousness and excitement over this!
post #185 of 265
WOw so much has happened here in the past days..

Holland: That sounds like an awesome BF you have there How sweet that he is telling his collegues about you

Anne: Chemestry is when you feel a connection with the other person - some sort of mutual understanding that is beyond words. That is how I like to think of it anyway. It can be that you laugh at the same things, enjoy talking about the same things - or maybe its about looking at him and thinking - aww how sweet is he! It can be a lot of things. It sounds to me like you are only seeing that guy because he is the only one around. Honestly - is that good enough for you? There are so many guys outthere - you can start dating online to find someone that you like to write with for instance and then arrange whatever kind of meeting with him you want if you feel like meeting him. There really are other fish in the sea.
As for feeling bad about your son - well my ex grew up with a mom who always put him before herself, never allowing herself another man in her life. He grew up thinking the world should evolve around him, that everyone should satisfy his needs first, cause thats what his mama always did. I know for sure its not healthy to grow up like that! You are not harming your son by showing him that you have a life too - quite the opposite.

Mountain: I dont really know how it manifests with a new guy that i used to be in an abusive relationship. Right now I am just so grateful to be with someone who treats me like an equal. He already knows a lot about my past relationship and has showed nothing but empathy, understanding and even insight when it comes to my reactions and thoughts. I feel very safe around him so I dont think I am on the fence really - but I still have habits that come from having been in an abusive relationship - probably not gonna loose those over night..

I probably missed lots of you, but am going to bed and just wanted to update on my date.

Well actually we spend both friday and saturday together. I dont know what to add other than he is awesome. I believe this could get really serious - for me at least. So far he seems serious too, but I think he is a person who needs more time to know for real where things are going.. He has been nothing but caring, respectul, decent and loving towards me so far, so I am hopeful..
post #186 of 265
It's good to be hopeful
post #187 of 265
Quote:
SyntheaThanks for your thoughts on the stuff Im feeling about this guy and my son. It must be because it has been just me and DS for 6 years, and all of a sudden there's this new person in my life who I still barely even know, and its scary. Im trying to think it's good for a child to see their parent have a relationship, it just feels wrong somehow, like im taking my time away from 100% focussing on my son, to focus on a guy a little bit yk? I guess it's just going to take some time to get used to it, because since having my son I have been so comitted to raising him and being a good mom, that I pretty much stopped having my own life, and now to be doing something (dating someone) that is for myself and not for DS, it feels like im somehow going against my son. :
I really do understand =) I caused a lot of problems in my marriage to stbx because of my complete devotion to the kids and it did them no favors. They *need* to see me happy, either alone or with with someone. Since I was with their dad, I should have spent more time on "us", even though the outcome would have been the same becuase of his issues, the kids would have been happier seeing a loving couple. I promise that the friendships you have as he's growing up (both intimate and just friendly) will nurture him in ways that will help him succeed in life - especially if he gets to see someone loving (or at least really liking) you. He'll take what he learns now and apply it to his relationships...so even if this guy doesn't work out, if you show him how to treat someone kindly and gently even when they're being let down, it's a good thing.

There I go babbling again.
post #188 of 265
Awww - gotta share with someone. I was on the phone with my guy twice this evening - talking for well over half an hour about absolutely nothing at all. Ending in a cliché "you hang up, no you hang up first" dilemma : That is so funny - I always thought that was soooo silly, but not with him. With him it feels right that we should be together all the time - even with nothing to talk about. I wanna be around him more soooo bad ....
post #189 of 265

Never thought I'd be posting here but...

I actually met a pretty attractive and interesting guy a couple of weeks ago who has invited me out to dinner a few times. I put him off at first because my life is really complicated right now - alcoholic, self-destructive ex who isn't currently co-parenting with me at all - but he has been persistent and yet charming, so I agreed to go out to dinner last week.

Well. This involved getting a babysitter, which took awhile, since it's so close to the holidays. And then my babysitter got sick at the last minute, so I had to cancel. He was completely understanding but it made me feel a bit hopeless, like who am I kidding that I could actually date? I have no free time unless I schedule it well in advance, and even then I can't be sure it will work out.

Any other completely solo mamas manage to make it work?
post #190 of 265
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiernan View Post

Any other completely solo mamas manage to make it work?
I am a "completely solo mama." My X lives 10,000 miles away and we have no family nearby.

Just schedule it in advance. All of the men I have dated, who know I am a single mama, are very understanding of my need to schedule dates in advance or if I need to cancel abruptly due to a sick babysitter and/or child.

Start building a list of babysitters, or friends/family/colleagues/neighbors, who would be willing to help you out. My colleagues were so excited when they found out I had a date, I had about 5 offers of FREE babysitting.
post #191 of 265
Quote:
Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post

Start building a list of babysitters, or friends/family/colleagues/neighbors, who would be willing to help you out. My colleagues were so excited when they found out I had a date, I had about 5 offers of FREE babysitting.
Asking for help is crucial!

I am living with my parents,
post #192 of 265
Things are going well for us. B is coming the week after Christmas to spend with us, and I'm taking him to a basketball game as one of his gifts. He's a big b'ball fan, so I think it will be an ideal Christmas present for him.

We've hit some bumps in the road, but they are only things that time will tell. Nothing so far has been a deal breaker, but we have had some very long conversations about our future together. It's hard to be 200 miles away and only have his voice on the phone when what I really want to is to snuggle up or give him a bite.

We both think we have long term potential, and both would regret not giving our relationship a real chance. Neither of us will really know until we have a full-on, real-time, day-to-day experience. Right now we have a vacation romance, as someone put it in another thread. I think it will translate well into the day-to-day, but again only time will tell.

He is so ideal for me I really can't imagine finding anyone better suited. I was overly surprised that he even existed. We do have our differences, but I think with time and understanding we can work through it. He's younger than me, and doesn't have the life experience that I do. It really shows sometimes too.

I'm optimistic, and I'm willing to take a chance on him, because I think he's worth it. He values my uniqueness, and I his, and he truly is very important and special to me.

We just passed the 5 month mark. I'll be back next month with an update.
post #193 of 265
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seie View Post
As for feeling bad about your son - well my ex grew up with a mom who always put him before herself, never allowing herself another man in her life. He grew up thinking the world should evolve around him, that everyone should satisfy his needs first, cause thats what his mama always did. I know for sure its not healthy to grow up like that! You are not harming your son by showing him that you have a life too - quite the opposite.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama Dragon View Post
I really do understand =) I caused a lot of problems in my marriage to stbx because of my complete devotion to the kids and it did them no favors. They *need* to see me happy, either alone or with with someone. Since I was with their dad, I should have spent more time on "us", even though the outcome would have been the same becuase of his issues, the kids would have been happier seeing a loving couple. I promise that the friendships you have as he's growing up (both intimate and just friendly) will nurture him in ways that will help him succeed in life - especially if he gets to see someone loving (or at least really liking) you. He'll take what he learns now and apply it to his relationships...so even if this guy doesn't work out, if you show him how to treat someone kindly and gently even when they're being let down, it's a good thing.

There I go babbling again.
Seie andMama Dragon, thank you for your advice and personal experience on this subject. I'm really struggling with it. Remember I was even unhappy about my guy phoning me when DS is around because I felt/feel like I am taking time away from my son to talk to someone I haven't known very long. Im so devoted to my son. He isn't spoilt by any means, for financial reasons, but we spend a lot of time together and always have. So maybe he is "spoilt" (not the right word) by the amount of my time he gets? It just feels right to give him the majority of my attention and time yk? Feels natural to me.

But I know I want to be in a relationship, I want that in my life at this point. I was happy being single for 6 years, truly content with it. But after losing some supportive people in my life, it has really made me wake up and realise I NEED someone to be there for me, im not that totally strong independant woman, I need a good amount of support. Im glad I lost some of what I had in terms of support, because otherwise I wouldn't have realised I don't actually want to remain single forever. There are other reasons I want to be in a relationship too, but I don't want to list them now.

Anyway, thanks for that advice and your thoughts on this issue.
post #194 of 265
Anne while I am happy you are taking steps to be happy with another person I strongly suggest you first make sure you are happy within yourself. No one can make you happy and emotionally / mentally healthy if you are not those things within.
post #195 of 265
Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveOhm View Post
Anne while I am happy you are taking steps to be happy with another person I strongly suggest you first make sure you are happy within yourself. No one can make you happy and emotionally / mentally healthy if you are not those things within.
:
post #196 of 265
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
But after losing some supportive people in my life, it has really made me wake up and realise I NEED someone to be there for me, im not that totally strong independant woman, I need a good amount of support.
OK, this belongs here, not your other thread. You have 2 threads about similar topics, but with additional info in one thread and not another. Ahhh! I am on vacation my brain can't keep up!

Anyway:

My failed marriage, and other failed relationships, have taught me that it is not healthy to "need" someone or even fair to expect someone to always be there to support me. I need to be able to support me.

I always remind myself of Buddha's quote "Look not for refuge in anyone besides yourself."

From a btdt perspective: Be careful of looking for a relationship because you "need" someone and/or their support. No one can be there 100% for you... it is inhumanly possible. In addition to leading to a very codependent relationship, which are always miserable and dysfunctional. I've had a few of those too!
post #197 of 265
Quote:
Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post
From a btdt perspective: Be careful of looking for a relationship because you "need" someone and/or their support. No one can be there 100% for you... it is inhumanly possible. In addition to leading to a very codependent relationship, which are always miserable and dysfunctional. I've had a few of those too!
I agree. Also, if you have arguments/conflicts with your DP you'll feel very vulnerable if he is your only source of support. I think you need to spread it out - friends, family, DP. If you are in need of a lot of support - especially from the beginning of the relationship - it might be bad for the relationship dynamics.
post #198 of 265
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
im not that totally strong independant woman, I need a good amount of support.
Btw: A totally strong, independent woman is a woman that knows she needs support from time to time AND she knows how to find and ask for it.

Therefore, I am thinking you are a totally strong, independent woman.
post #199 of 265
Anne: Its not a problem to spend a lot of quality time with your kid. But its a problem to feel guilty for talking to other people. You are your childs role model. You already give him plenty of love and a stable healthy environment. But you are an adult, and its only healthy for him to see that you lead an adult life - and that includes having contact with other adults. No reason to feel guilty that you need to be a woman as well as a mother.
post #200 of 265
Thread Starter 

Omg!

So, he was dying to give me my Xmas present, I know why, he got me a new BIKE!!! : : : : We gave in, he gave it to me early.

I am speechless, I had my bike stolen years ago when I was still married, I loved my bike and was very upset. I couldn't afford another one so I went without. When we were in Amsterdam, I missed my bike badly because there were more bikes than cars there (practically) He was paying attention, obviously.

I am still speechless. He is the best bf I have ever had. I have NEVER been treated so nicely
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