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December dating thread!!! - Page 2

post #21 of 265
Avani we are all here for you! I know it's not the same as friends offline, but it helps knowing you have support somewhere, I wish I could take your lo's to give you a break for a bit, I can't even begin to imagine everything you are dealing with right now. Im so sorry your "friends" are behaving like that just because you are doing what you feels is right.

BelovedK thanks for the advice on what to do when greeting him etc!

DanishMom I am in counselling right now, but I can't afford to go anymore than once every 2 months I would prefer to go every week tbh. I will make sure the next visit I talk to her about the worrying issues I have (I'm a nervous wreck in general! lol), maybe she can offer some advice on that. In the appointment we had last week, she gave me some information on a self-help type group for people who have low self esteem and lots of anxiety about things, so I'll definately be looking into those.

Mimim your guy sounds amazing! That was so sweet letting the cat in and remembering about it! How long have you 2 been dating? Was that the first time he's seen your place, or did you mean first time he slept over? -How was that? -Im really scared about all that stuff.


So today I met up with my guy ("my guy" -seems so strange saying that, but I guess it's true now..kinda lol), we went for a 30 minute walk with my dog.

When I first saw him, we sort of both were shy and didn't know how to greet eachother, but I think we both felt we wanted to hug, so we did a little hug .

We talked quite a bit, I didn't have much to say (as usual , and he isn't too talkative either, so there were a few times it was awkward silence for a while, but it wasn't too bad because we were walking anyway.

THEN!!!! -(huge deal to me, probably not so much to anyone else lol) -He asked if he could hold my hand! I said yes, and we did....I held it wrong though LOL, I did it like how I would hold DS's hand, he didn't say anything but I felt really weird and stupid for that, so then when I dared to, I let go and re-held his hand the right way for a couple with fingers interlocked It honestly felt uncomfortable to me, Im just so not used to anything like that -any contact with a guy, im not an affectionate person to be honest, I'll hug my mom sometimes, and ofcourse DS a lot, but thats all. So even hugging this guy feels strange to me. Holding hands was uncomfortable After a little while I must have relaxed about it because it felt OKAY...not nice though, is that weird I didn't find it NICE...just okay?

Then he put his arm around my back as we walked, so I put mine round his....which again I was uncomfortable about, but I think it's just because im not used to it and I don't know this guy very well yet so it was weird for me. He seemed happy about it though, and he even asked if we could stop for a few minutes and look at the view (we walk by a river), so I said yes, but was worried he was going to try to kiss me............ Im totally not ready for that

So to sum up, lol, I guess it went pretty well. We moved past the kiss on the cheek and hug, to holding hands and walking with an arm round eachother, and although I felt really uncomfortable for the most part, by the last half of the walk I felt a bit more comfortable about it. So that's good right? We hugged and he kissed my cheek before he left -I didn't kiss his back...oops.

I'm really glad he didn't try to kiss me though, I think he would have if I had stayed close to him for long enough, I kept moving away LOL -ahhh is something wrong with me? I feel stupid for not enjoying it as much as I probably should have, and for feeling so uncomfortable about it. I really didn't want to kiss him. Maybe I'm not attracted to him enough or something?

He must have been okay though and not noticed, because when I got home he sent me a text message saying it was really nice seeing me today and was missing me already -and he called me "Babe".

Thoughts??
post #22 of 265
Anne I wish I had some wise words to you We are very opposite people.
I dont know if you drink - but I'd say you need to go out on a real dinner-date, get a couple of glasses of wine and relax a bit. Either that, or you are just not into him. It sounds to me like you are more occupied with all the stuff surrounding him (as in when to hold hands, what will happen next etc) than with him as a person.

I think someone else said this before - but try to stop thinking so much and practice just being. Rather than being so selfaware all the time (what am I feeling now, what will he do, is this a reasonable thing to do, should I rather be doing something else etc) try to just be in the now. Actually listen to what he is saying, smell the air and feel the wind in your hair, then the rest will take care of itself in its own time.

The best of luck with whatever you want to do..
post #23 of 265
Thanks Seie, like I said I know I am a worrier and over-thinker, to the point of anxiety. I don't really know how to change that, I've been this way for years. It does run in my family though because my parents always moan about how much my Gran is like that, so at least I know where I get it! I guess all I can do is try my best to ignore all those thoughts and try to focus on the present moment. If I let that stuff control me, I'd never leave my home....and Im not letting that happen. I know I want a partner and I know I like this guy.

Looking back on it now, I felt really uncomfortable when I was thinking about what we were doing so much, rather than just going with it. Once my mind was occupied by the conversation or whatever, that's when I felt more okay with holding hands etc. I do like this guy as a person, and if I called it all off now I think I'd be disappointed and regret it.
post #24 of 265
DanishMom, thank you so much - that is truly the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a very long time. Many hugs to you!
post #25 of 265
Anne,

I seriously recommend the book, "The Power of Now". It helps to just keep bringing your focus back the present moment instead of wondering/worrying about what might happen or looking back with regret or displeasure.

Just relax into the moment and see what feels right to you.

It sounds like you've never been able to listen to your own instincts, to trust what you know is or feels right for you. It's all about practicing that to get good at it. Focusing on the moment and checking in with yourself is a great way to start...as is listening to yourself and acting on what you hear just to see where it leads you.

It sounds like you pushed yourself out of your comfort zone today and that is a real blessing. No matter what happens, you've grown and expanded a little today and that is worth so much.
post #26 of 265
There is so much action that I have missed in only a day or two....

I am very happy for you Beloved you have to follow your intuition and live in the moment. I don't think an amount of time can make things any more stable as truly knowing yourself ---- you spent a great deal of time on you and that time is well spent! I figure you can add the years of personal growth to the relationship time frame and that is a very long time! Enjoy life and this new man who adores you. Good luck with TTC!

Avani I try to see things from all sides and after some thought can be understanding to people in your life suggesting termination as an option (even though it's not what I would personally have done if I was your friend IRL) ....they may not personally understand a mental / emotional connection to an unborn child --- you cannot fault them for not personally feeling as you do, they are not in your shoes so they cannot feel what you are feeling. I am in no way suggesting a termination if this is what you feel is best for you and your family, but I also wanted to maybe share where the suggestion might have come from. Your friends could very well love you and just can't relate... hope that makes sense. My comment comes from a loving place, I adore you and am happy for you, hope you know that!

I agree with Seie, Anne2008 we need to get you to loose up, enjoy yourself, live in the moment ---- can someone please give her a bottle of merlot?

Holland73 it sounds like an ideal weekend and fun is already scheduled for after xmas, lucky you!

And yes you can sleep with someone on the first date like DanishMom mentioned however in this day and age I sadly suggest everyone take things a bit slower ----- do your research on the person or both get tested and agree to be exclusive physically to only each other prior to jumping into bed ---- herpes and HIV are real regardless of age, gender, etc.
post #27 of 265
A dating intro for me ~ My daughter M just turned two and I am finally interested in dipping my toes into the dating pool! There are two really wonderful men from my past that are both interested in me and honestly I like both but in different ways.

Guy #1 is great for an amazing night on the town, he is the life of the party but at the end of the day if you can get him to commit his is loyal as a puppy. He just turned 30 and it seems he is looking for "more" in his life, and according to him he wants a family but his vegas trips, and his bar tabs at clubs make me wonder if he is really ready. I also have a bit of a concern because he is "the textbook single child" the world revolves around him, in my life he would always be second to my dd M so I am not sure how that would all play out....

Guy #2 is the man I always thought would be my second husband, he has been in my life since high school and he has treated me better than any man I have dated, but we never connected because one of us was always attached. He is very considerate of me, is a gentleman, his mom and I get along very well, we are in sync with regard to both life style and parenting styles. My concerns with him are that though he would be understanding to my dd being first priority I would also have to make him a priority. He works hard and also likes to "play hard"... have late nights painting the town on the weekend and while I can see that slowing from 2-3 nights a weekend to 1 night a weekend I am sure he would want me there by his side! I am just not sure I can do that as a solo mom even though I really would want to.

Some challenges both men have never dated a single mom & I have never dated as a single let alone solo mom --- so we don't know what we are doing. I have dd with me 24/7 so I am not sure when to date, I was thinking about hiring a sitter for an overnight "date night" once a week. (I would not need her all night but something like 8PM - 2:30AM are those too crazy hours to ask for?) --- I live in a studio so there is no "having company" after dd is in bed, but I am hoping to move once I have more income or can get some sort of subsidized housing... Any thoughts on how to balance dating and solo parenting?
post #28 of 265
LoveOhm:

Nice thing about solo/single parenting is that a big part of your life (your child) requires any potential partner to have to contend with time restraints.

Therefore, you get to decide what you can/cannot do. If he/she is unable to accept what you can/cannot provide, then you know he/she is not a good fit.

Also, try not to make assumptions about what another person would be willing/able to 'give up' or are wanting.

I have known many individuals that have super active social/party lives that are just looking for the right relationship take over that 'need' to be out so actively socializing and partying. One of the main reasons many individuals are so active in that scene is because they are searching for someone and/or looking for the company of others.

As for balancing dating and solo parenting (I am also a solo parent)... great babysitters, babysitters, babysitters. I have found wonderful babysitters, colleagues, neighbors and friends that will often watch ds when I want to go out on a date.

Additionally, I have had guys I am dating come over after ds is in bed. We get to relax, talk, drink tea, watch TV/movies, etc.

Disclaimer: I am not someone who believes that just because I invite a man over means I am going to have sex with him. Nor have I ever met a man that believed such an idea.

Granted, I understand how that would be difficult with a studio.

You will find a way to balance it all. A way that will work for both you and your dd.
post #29 of 265
We never really know how people are going to be; Hell, we don't even know who we are going to be when we wake up in the morning!

Avani, my heart is hoping for you, there must be some solace for you somewhere. Thank you for being a gentle and kind person; this is what we need to hold on to, I think. Refusing to despair and be bitter.

Beloved, I am SO proud of you, for so many things. It is a great leap of faith we take, yes? What's that saying, "Leap and the ground will appear" something like that Even in the worst of circumstances, we always get through it somehow.

LoveOhm, these are good things to wonder. We must talk to these guys--, but it's never worked out that way for me. I think that the balance is: you always put the dd first, which you know. Going out for a night if you have a trusted babysitter is still in keeping with this, I think! Telling the guy point blank that your dd comes first, and acting according to this philosophy will help you weed out the guys that are only out for themselves.
post #30 of 265
Quote:
Originally Posted by mountain View Post
Beloved, I am SO proud of you, for so many things. It is a great leap of faith we take, yes? What's that saying, "Leap and the ground will appear" something like that Even in the worst of circumstances, we always get through it somehow.
I have a similar quote on the cover of my journal it says "Leap and the net will appear" and I copied it out of Julia Cameron's The Artist Way..... amazing book btw!
post #31 of 265
I have just posted this in the main single parents forum, but wanted to post it here too:

Today he phones me and I tell him im busy (I was getting dinner ready and asked him to phone me back at 8pm if he can) he said that was fine but then he said "OK I LOVE YOU.....BYE" And I was like "Ok bye" and then after I hung up I suddenly thought, wait...did he just say he loves me? And im positive that's what he said...

Isn't that weird? I think it is...we haven't even kissed yet (yesterday on the date I think he wanted to kiss me but I kept moving further away because I'm not ready for that), and he's already saying he loves me...what the heck?

I really don't know what to do now, I've been trying so hard to force myself to feel more okay with seeing someone and trying to feel comfortable in his company and holding his hand etc and now im thinking maybe I was right to feel this wasn't a good guy for me because he's been too intense? Would you agree?

FWIW -he's from Afghanistan, but he's been here several years now, so I don't know if that has any relevance to how he's acting with me, or how men treat women in his country, maybe they do things this quick or intensely? Or maybe I'm the weirdo for not being ready yet. After 2 dates it still feels too soon to want to kiss him, even though I am attracted to him and I like his personality.

Any thoughts?


(mschatsalot I have ordered that book )
post #32 of 265
Yes, that is VERY quick, especially since you two have not spent that much time together and probably don't know each other very well.

Could it be a cultural thing? Absolutely. But, even if it were, that doesn't mean you shouldn't feel uncomfortable or unsure about such declarations. Talk to him about it. Share your thoughts/ideas about love and find out what his are. Everyone, regardless of culture, have different ideas about love.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2008 View Post
... maybe I was right to feel this wasn't a good guy for me because he's been too intense? Would you agree?
Only you can decide if he is right for you or not?

Listen to your instincts, if they are telling you to back out... trust that you need to back out. If they are telling you to stick it out, then perhaps, you two need to spend more time getting to know each other.
post #33 of 265
Well he may actually be seriously in love. But if he is, he wont mind waiting all the time in the world for you.
I am wondering - maybe your doubts and the way you keep him a bit at a distance is very attractive to him? Some men are really into women who are very hard to get - and you obviously are. Again - I cant sait it enough. Listen to your intuition. Take it slow as obviously that is how you need to go. If he truely loves you he wont mind waiting. If he tries to push you and wont listen when you tell him not to - time to rethink whether he is really a guy for you..
post #34 of 265
Well, I tried the dating thing and its just not happening.

Online dating: it was a flop! All the guys turned out to be crazy and not what I really wanted. I need to physically meet people and get a vibe. I thought online dating would work for me but nonetheless, it was a flop.

Random Guy: I'm on another message board and this random guy emails me. We've been chating back and forth for about two weeks but I'm bored already. He's really clingy and downright annoying. I've already blocked his number from my phone.

Older Guy: We actually work together (not in the same office but for the same company). We talk, email, but haven't been out on a date. He did ask me out to lunch but I keep giving him the runaround. He fully knows the extent of my relationship with my son's father and is fine by there. Did I mention he is almost 20 years old than me and I'm 27?! I'm bored with him too and that this never go anywhere so I cut him off.

I decided to take a break from dating for the month of December. I have refused to answer any and all calls from members of the opposite sex to have a like a mini-monthlong cleansing. Out with the old, I say.

This dating thing is hard but I think I may need to reassess just what I'm doing.
post #35 of 265
Been writing back and forth with my date from friday - getting some really sweet texts from him. We just cant seem to find an evening to meet, but managed to squeeze in a brunch (at his place hehe) on saturday. Looking sooo much forward to seeing him again.

Is it just me who does this? I think about him all the time and cant seem to get anything done. Either I am already in love again (gee it comes easy to me doesnt it : ) or I'm desperate - or a mix of both..

The good thing at least is this time I have a feeling that it really is a good guy!
post #36 of 265
Quote:
Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post
Also, try not to make assumptions about what another person would be willing/able to 'give up' or are wanting.

I have known many individuals that have super active social/party lives that are just looking for the right relationship take over that 'need' to be out so actively socializing and partying. One of the main reasons many individuals are so active in that scene is because they are searching for someone and/or looking for the company of others.
Thanks for sharing that perspective ---- I have delayed going out with either of them because of their socializing and partying. While I love a good party I don't have the desire to go out as often as either of them. Perhaps I should not just rule them out, one I them I could really see mysel with in the long run.
post #37 of 265
Well he called me back that day at 8pm -ish and didn't mention having said "I LOVE YOU" to me earlier, and I didn't bring it up...so maybe it was accidental or he realised he didn't mean to say it or something, maybe I even misheard him, I don't know but it seems ok.

I haven't seen him for a few days and I haven't spoken to him on the phone for 2 days and im actually (amazingly!) feeling like I sort of miss him (what!?) and want to see him!

He asked me to do something with him next week, go out to the cinema, and I had to decline because I have a busy week next week, however we will still meet up for our walk (with my dog) on monday.

So it looks like we'll be going on our first "REAL date" the following week. And most likely it will be to the cinema. I'm honestly terrified! LOL ahhhhh!!!


AKA_PI sorry it's not going well for you, I agree you could reassess things. I would be likely to lower my standards...not to a bad low, but realistically you aren't going to find anyone perfect, right? As long as the positives outweight the negatives I'll settle for that. Maybe that's just me though...?

LoveOhm goodluck deciding which guy, if either.

Seie glad things are going well between you and your guy, hope you can meet up soon. I have to ask, how do you find time to date with 3 small children??
post #38 of 265
We had our first growing pain, and I'm basically freaking out. If we could see each other every day, I'd be ok, but we're at about every 2-3 weeks now.

I feel like I'm driving him nuts, but it's just the way I deal with things. I'm ok for a while, and then I start thinking about things again and just wig.

Dammit.

And he's so laid back about everything that it drives me batty.

We are ok for now. I just really wonder if moving over there is such a good idea anymore. I'm scared and unsure of myself, and have too much at stake to make a major mistake.

I'm keeping my house to rent out, so at least if I have to move back I'll have a place to live.
post #39 of 265
Anne: My kids are with their father regularly. At the moment its every friday evening to saturday evening. But that is a temporary agreement we have that will last till the trial for costudy is over. Then i assume the kids will stay with me and visit their dad every other weekend. So that is how I find time to date

Still writing back and forth with him and every letter makes me think - what an amazing guy is that! Without going into details I can say he is going through a lot- and dealing with it with such grace and warmth. He should be angry, but he is forgiving. He should be in despair but he is hopeful. There is no doubt in my mind that whereever this is going, he is a very special person..
post #40 of 265
So you know my heart was broken back in early September by the man I love. I guess I shouldn't say it that way, because it makes it sound intentional, and his heart was broken as much as mine. We've been texting/emailing for the past three days. There is no doubt that we both still love each other and want to be together, and we are trying to see if there is a way we can make that work out. (I know a few of you know our major hangup) I'd appreciate any thoughts/prayers/good vibes you can spare - I don't think either of us could survive having our hearts shattered in that way again...
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