Being a surrogate for your known donor

[CrunchySmurf]

Ok, it took me way too much time to come up with a title to sum this post up!

I'm looking for input -- particularly any negatives/potential negatives you can see.

Background: We're planning to TTC in August. Our preference is for a known donor, but that search has not been going so well. Mostly because we just don't know many people, I think.

Soooo, yesterday we were talking to a church friend at lunch. He is a currently single, fairly recently widowed after a long-term relationship, gay man. We were talking about how we were going to be (hopefully) having a baby soon. He shared that he really wants to have a baby, but doesn't see it as a real possibility -- he wants a known surrogate. Talk then shifted, sort of jokingly, to him being our sperm donor and then me carrying a baby for him. We were all sort of joking... in that what if sort of way.

Kim and I were then talking about it last night. And realized that neither of us were really joking. What we would like to see happen: he donates for us until we have two children (twins, if we're lucky or two separate pregnancies) and then I conceive a third time for him.

Positives: we get our known donor (which is a whole host of positives)

Potential negatives: we go to the same church/have largely the same social circle -- will that be weird (for us? for others? for the children?)?; will I be ok with it being *his* child -- particularly if he doesn't make the same parenting decisions I would?

Ok, thoughts? Other positives/negatives? :

[starling&diesel]

Would this being using your own eggs for that third baby who would be his?
If that's the case, I would be very cautious. I don't know if many folks could hand over that baby, no matter what logic had previously prevailed.
My gut says don't do it ...

There is a surrogate thread over in the tribes area ... they might have more experience in the matter.

[lexbeach]

I have to agree with S&D; it does not sound like a good plan to me. First, I don't think anyone should agree to be a surrogate in the future without first experiencing pregnancy. Second, the surrogate baby would be a full genetic sibling to your children . . . that sounds really tricky.

I would think *maybe* this could work if you were planning to use donor eggs, but I still wouldn't want to agree to anything like this before ever getting pregnant, giving birth and parenting a baby.

What about the possibility of a co-parenting situation?

Lex

[AngelaM]

Yup, I want to chime in as someone who's just given birth to her first. While pregnant, I felt some regret about NOT using a KD. (I used anonymous sperm from the bank.) Once that baby arrived, however, I was actually really glad that there was no other potential parent in the picture. I mean, obviously I would have worked out a very clear agreement with my KD about rights and expectations, but still, once that kid was here, in my arms, I felt so incredibly protective of her, possessive even, that having a KD could have been very uncomfortable for me.

Based on this, I absolutely KNOW that I could not surrogate for someone with my own eggs. Maybe not even with donor eggs. There's just no way I could have a baby (which I don't think I could help thinking of as "my" baby) grow inside of me and then give it to someone else to parent. If you'd asked me before I got pregnant and gave birth, my answer would have been very different. I think it's something I would have at least considered. But now, I know that there is no way I could do it.

Everyone is different, and you may have a very different experience. But I would definitely approach the situation with caution, and recognize that how you THINK you're going to feel about a baby growing inside of you and how you actually DO feel about it may be two very different things.

Good luck!

[erthe_mama]

Kinda ditto. But I have actually offered to be a gestational surrogate for my aunt and her husband with their genetic embryo. I don't think I could do it with my own genetic baby. It just wouldn't feel right to me. However, there have been lots of traditional surrogates who said they knew and thought during their whole pregnancy about how it wouldn't be their baby and were cool with it. It probably wouldn't have been a full sibling with the adoptive parent(s) though.

[lemurmommies]

I, on the other hand, offered to do just that for our KD.

We had DS in December of 2006, and I am currently pregnant with baby #2 using the same known donor. He is a friend of DPs from her university days (now my friend too, obviously.) He had offered to be a sperm donor for DP before she and I ever got together, and was more than happy to do so when the time came for us to be ready to start a family.

As soon as we started discussing the logistics of him being our KD, I told him that I would be more than happy to act as a surrogate for him and his DP if they chose to have kids, provided that I was 35 or younger. I would be happy to carry a baby concieved using his sperm (making the child a full biological sibling to my own) or his partner's. I have no doubt that I would be able to carry the baby and then hand it over to him and his DP to parent - they are wonderful people whom I trust more than anything. And our KD gave us the chance to have a family. If he and his DP want a family, I want to give them that chance too.

The only thing that is different in our situation is that our KD and his partner live pretty much clear across the continent. We live in central Canada, he in southern California. We get together about once a year, so if he was parenting a child I gave birth to I wouldn't be seeing them all the time, just like he only sees DS about once a year.

I don't know that KD and his partner will ever take me up on the offer. I think that they may well go the adoption route, as he has mentioned wanting to adopt an older/mixed race child through domestic adoption. However should he ask and I still be under 35, I will happily TTC a baby with him again, for he and his DP to parent.

[CrunchySmurf]

I just wanted to say that I am really grateful for your responses. December ended up being an insanely busy month, so I'm sorry I didn't get back to this sooner.

Kim and I have read over your responses together and it has given us some more food for thought. Meanwhile, we have identified another possible kd, who we actually think might be a better fit for our family. We are planning to ask him soon.

However, if it doesn't work out with him, we have not completely ruled out using the first potential kd. There are some things to be cautious about -- and you helped us think of a few more -- but we also think there is the potential for a really good thing there.

Navigating this TTC thing is hard... and intimidating! Thanks again for all of your insight.

[Disco Infiltrator]

DW and I have discussed this since our KD and his BF really really want kids. I think I would definitely wait until after you had a baby to offer, but it's something that I would be more than happy to do for our KD. Every time I look at our son I am so deeply grateful for our KD and what he did for us, and I want him to be able to experience that kind of joy in his life as well.

At this point, unless I could lose some weight, I can't go through another pregnancy, and we need to TTC #2 before we could even consider a surrogacy, which would leave me pretty old to be a surrogate. I wish more than anything I could offer to carry our KDs baby. I really really hope they can have the family they want just like we've been able to.

DI

[lemurmommies]

Courtney, I just wanted update and say that even though we lost our daughter to a cord accident at 18 weeks in December, that I would still be a surrogate for our KD in the future if he and his partner wished to have a baby.

He will be coming back soon in 2009 for us to TTC #3, and has been affected by our loss just as much as we were. But I appreciate his being willing to help us have a sibling for E.

[ellephant]

We considered doing this for awhile. We had a gay kd and he and his partner wanted a child. I wasn't so sure that I personally could do it but DP volunteered herself. That kd ended up moving away but the option was definitely considered. Our current kd has a wife who is currently pregnant with there #2 so I doubt he would need us to carry any children for him.
I guess it's a very hard decision for some people and a very easy one for others. I am just not one who could do that.

[indigoscot]

i can honestly say that after having given birth myself there's no way i could give away a child of mine to someone else, not even if they had helped us get pregnant. i think for those of you on this thread who are agreeing to this before actually having a baby, you should definitely wait until after giving birth before you promise that kind of gift!

g

[CrunchySmurf]

Thanks for the additional input G and Elle. I appreciate all the different input.

((((LM)))) I am so very sorry for your loss. I appreciate your unique perspective too.

Thanks again everyone!