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[AngelaM]

awaiting revision

[FtMPapa]

I totally hear you. You be blue, I'll be pink.

In fact, I have often (lately...in the last couple of months) had thoughts about my ex, and getting back with him. The ex of 7 years, the ex I cannot get back together with, not just because I live in a different country...

It's not always rational, the tricks our hearts play.

Is the fact that I still feel sad and conflicted about someone who was clearly bad for me a sign that I too am capable of compromising my kid's well-being for an unhealthy love? And, when will thinking about her stop hurting?

a) NO! The fact that you're conflicted is a GOOD SIGN. Now, if you were back together with her, that would be a sign.

b) I'm sorry. I wish I knew.

[starling&diesel]

You be the tree: :

[choose2bgr8]

No experience or words of encouragement. Just hugs.

[pleasantlyfurious]

I agree with papa. I think our heart plays tricks on us. Like when you smell the perfume of an ex. I had my high school reunion this past weekend and I totally got butterflies when I saw the guy I shared my first kiss with. Do I want to kiss him? No. Do I have any feelings beyond nostalgia for him? No - but I totally checked out his girlfriend with a jealous eye - and I'm gay!!! I think feelings don't always make sense, but drag you along for the ride anway. Hormones are an excellent example.

[AngelaM]

Thanks everyone. Your hugs and thoughts cheered me up.

I know that making my peace with her will be a process, and I need to just let it happen, and not beat myself up too much. One day at a time...

[tjontario]

I heard this done the other day on the radio. Picture your ex. Now think about 5 of the most terrible times with your ex. Really take the time to let your body feel those bad times. After several minutes of allowing yourself to feel those bad feelings, picture your ex again. How do you feel? I think you will find that your feelings have changed in just a few minutes. Repeat this process as needed.

[lexbeach]

I think it's totally normal to still think about your EX and to have wistful feelings from time to time. You were in love with her. Those feelings don't just disappear, even when the relationship has been abusive or otherwise unpleasant. I know that I still think about my exes from time to time, check out their partners with narrowed eyes, etc., and it is in no way a reflection of my feelings for my beloved dw. It is especially hard with those EXes with whom I am not friends, which is only true for a couple of people who I once dated. When there hasn't been good closure (which, in my book, only happens once we've survived the break-up and found a way to keep knowing each other in a friendly way), thoughts of an EX can just bring up all the sadness, hurt, and angst that was there at the end of the relationship.

And the drama in our circle of queer friends often plays out like an L-word script, lol. Just the other day I was lamenting how all the lesbian families on television always end up breaking up (like in The L-word, Queer As Folk, and The Wire) . . . and then realized, "hey, it's kind of like in real life how all of our lesbians friends with kids have broken up . . . " One couple with a 7-year-old recently broke up after one of the women was diagnosed with breast cancer, and her partner left her for the breast surgeon. If something like that had happened on the L-word, I'd be like, "are you kidding me?! This has gone too far!" Sigh.

Many hugs!

Lex

[pranava]

I'm so sorry Angela Unfortunately, I know all too well what you're feeling. Even though you know in your head "how completely incapable she was of giving me what I need, or of parenting a child the way I think is important," it doesn't make the sadness and hurt go away. My friends wonder why it bother's me so much when my XP wouldn't have been the best parent anyway. One friend even says it's the best thing that could have happened. I disagree. It still hurts because the best thing that could have happened was our XP's straightening up their acts, loving us and the babies that should have been their babies too.

It's a hugely personal snub to be left while pregnant, and an even bigger snub to have someone you care about, not act like they care about you or your new greatest love(sweet Ocean!). My XP is also ignoring me and not asking about the baby. I think it may be guilt or jealousy that causes them to ignore us - I'm not sure yet, but it's something I think about every day.

I don't think the fact that you still feel sad about this means anything. You are not a bad parent, or bad partner, or desireing to be in an unhealthy relationship. We love who we love because we see the humanity in them, not because they are perfect. I think it is perfectly healthy and normal to say "I cannot be with this person becasue they are bad for me" and love them at the same time. You have a very large and loving heart Your XP is lucky you still care. Your new DP is lucky to have your love. And Ocean will be shown the greatest lesson of all - how to love someone when they have done you wrong, yet protect yourself from a destructive relationship.

I'm sorry it is so painful.