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Queer TTC/pregnant after loss

post #1 of 111
Thread Starter 
I'm very sad that there may be a need for a thread like this. I know several of us have experienced losses and it may be helpful to support one another in a safe space.

I know my loss left me reeling and the other threads have been very supportive, but sometimes I just feel like I'm bringing the thread down if I want to talk about feeling angry, sad and bitter. Would anyone else like to have this space available for the days when it's harder than others?

With my first cycle back TTC I'm sad at how different the feelings are and would like a place to vent. I'm also happy to support any other mamas in a similar situation.
post #2 of 111
PF -- Thanks for this thread. Unfortunately, I think it's exactly what I/we need right now.

We've been through three miscarriages over a two year span of TTC #2. Each one has hurt. This last one was much later than the first two, at around 10 weeks. We thought we were out of the woods. Then there was no heartbeat at the ultrasound. Whenever I think of that screen with a clear sac and no heart and the tech typing No FHT, I want to throw up.

We're still waiting for Katie to miscarry. We've now known for a week. I can't think of anything really much more hellish than this wait.

And the confusing part is that part of me is just ready to push on, to put this behind us and try again. But then I think of how much longer it will take and I just want to crawl into a hole for a while.

Ugh. Thanks for creating this as a place of support, venting, etc.

post #3 of 111
Thread Starter 
Megin - I'm so sorry about your loss. Our loss was at 9 1/2 weeks, so also later in the first trimester. We had heard the heart beat and I was really enjoying "feeling pregnant". We thought we were out of the wood since chance of miscarriage drops to less than 2% after the heartbeat is detected.

We were also ready to try again within one cycle. We figure, we're not getting over it anytime soon, so may as well move forward. And in someways it has helped. I'm feeling more hopeful than I thought I would, but still that's not saying much. I'm really sad about how I'm feeling now. I forget we're in the tww - which I suppose in some ways is a blessing, but I really feel like I lost my innocence. I wish we were still counting down the hours and imagining symptoms and feeling like anything was possible.

I hope you are able to move on soon. I can't imagine facing that wait.
post #4 of 111
Thanks for starting this thread! I think it will be of great comfort to people.

I have had 2 m/c and 1 chemical this year. The first m/c was the hardest at 9.5 weeks. I also saw a heartbeat and a 'perfect sized' embryo at 8 weeks so thought everything would be fine. In hindsight, the reason i had the u/s at 8w was because I had been having spotting since about 6.5w so I shouldn't have been too surprised. But I was. I got pregnant again my first try after (waited one cycle) but had an early, 5w, m/c. Not nearly as bad physically but still emotionally rough.

My feelings towards ttc now are very guarded and I sort of feel like I've lost my innocence about this whole baby making thing or something. I honestly hadn't even entertained the idea that my first BFP wouldn't end up as a little baby. *sigh* I have gotten pregnant every time I've tried so I guess that's a good thing. It's also sort of scary too. Where I'm at now is that my desire to have a family is outweighing my fear of another m/c. So I'm going with that.

Thanks again for starting this thread! I sometimes feel like people don't want to talk about m/c. I'm shocked at how everyone I've told about the m/c has said "oh yeah, my sister had 2 inbetween her 3 kids" or something like that. Who knew??
post #5 of 111
I had two miscarriages before my first son was conceived. They were both several weeks along. That was over seven years ago though. I'm still not 100% over it, but doing some art about it really helped me get through those times. I'm also worrying a lot about ttc... especially since my cycles are so dang wonky.
post #6 of 111
Thanks for this thread. I need it too. Did you guys let those later miscarriages happen naturally, or did you have a D&C? My midwife said they only do D&Cs if a patient requests it. But I have to say, the longer it goes, the more I just want it over with so I can move on. And also, the longer it goes, the more I start to freak out about what the process is going to feel like... I know it will be much different than my other two m/cs that were at 5 or 6 weeks (in other words, just a week or so after I found out I was pg).

I think the first m/c was the worst emotionally because I WAS so innocent. I had no concept that something could go wrong. Within one week of the BFP, I had mentally rearranged my entire life. This time around, I was much more cautious in the mental/emotional domain. I kept wishing I could get excited, but just couldn't.

I am also frustrated at this point because if my last experiences are any indication, it will take me at least 6-8 weeks to get my first official period after this m/c, which means a lot of waiting until TTC again. Argh!!!
post #7 of 111
Originally Posted by ktcl View Post
Thanks for this thread. I need it too. Did you guys let those later miscarriages happen naturally, or did you have a D&C? My midwife said they only do D&Cs if a patient requests it.
Mine happened naturally. I'm thankful I didn't have to have a D&C but I can also understand wanting one if the waiting is very long.
post #8 of 111
Originally Posted by pleasantlyfurious View Post
I wish we were still counting down the hours and imagining symptoms and feeling like anything was possible.
I like your statement "feeling like anything was possible" - that's a good way of describing it. I hope you get that back.
post #9 of 111
Personally I did not get a D&C. I don't think they usually do them unless there's something retained. In that case, the cervix would still be open and there would be heavy bleeding. If it was a septic miscarriage, there may be stuff like fever, chills, flu-like aches, and abdominal pain. I never experienced any of those symptoms after the first day (I bled quite heavily and had terrible cramps). But it ended. I felt tired for the next while, but it might have just been depression.
post #10 of 111
Originally Posted by ktcl View Post
Thanks for this thread. I need it too. Did you guys let those later miscarriages happen naturally, or did you have a D&C? My midwife said they only do D&Cs if a patient requests it. But I have to say, the longer it goes, the more I just want it over with so I can move on. And also, the longer it goes, the more I start to freak out about what the process is going to feel like... I know it will be much different than my other two m/cs that were at 5 or 6 weeks (in other words, just a week or so after I found out I was pg).

I am also frustrated at this point because if my last experiences are any indication, it will take me at least 6-8 weeks to get my first official period after this m/c, which means a lot of waiting until TTC again. Argh!!!
I had a 12-week miscarriage that I really wanted to have without a D & C, but that wasn't in the cards since I hemorrhaged, and ended up needing a transfusion as well. That kind of thing is really rare, so I wouldn't be too worried about it, but if you do decide to m/c on your own later in the 1st tri, I think it's a good idea to have someone there with you during your bleeding. That said, with all that bleeding I had no real physical pain (which is also unusual, I gather, but just so you know that it's not inevitable that it will be terrible in that way)

I would still probably want to m/c on my own if I was in that situation again, but I would be torn--with the D & C I had almost no residual bleeding and went right back to my regular cycle (ovulating 2 weeks later and all). I would also find the limbo really difficult to navigate (as it was, I hadn't had early ultrasounds, and so had no idea that I was going to m/c until it happed the day it happened).

I'm so sorry again I hope you find peace through whatever process you choose.
post #11 of 111
Thread Starter 
I don't think there's a right answer as to whether a D&C or natural miscarriage is best. I had a natural miscarriage, mostly because it happened so fast. We went to the emergency room on Friday because of spotting - really light spotting - and they found the heartbeat and basically told us not to worry - then the next day I just started passing lots of blood and tissue. Initially I thought I would prefer naturally because, well, it's natural, and I thought it would give me some closure. In retrospect, I think I may have taken the option of a D&C had it been presented. Miscarrying was really traumatic and painful for me. Particularly passing the sac with the tiny fetus. It just made me crazy. Sorry if TMI. There is a great (if graphic) thread on women's experiences with miscarriage - both natural and D&Cs in the loss section. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=187976

As for how common miscarriage is. It's insane. I appreciated the way the author of this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/21/he...GNphL218c7Of+Q described it. I did find myself being irritated when women would tell me their miscarriage experiences. I suppose I'm just very self-centered in my grief and can't really believe any one hurt as much as I did. My mother tried to comfort me with her story of a miscarriage and it just seemed so different. I'm not saying it wasn't difficult for her, but it was a completely different situation. She miscarried very early on in her fourth pregnancy which was an accident with free sperm. Still painful, but so different from this first pregnancy that was so planned, wanted and expensive.

Last night we went over to friends' home for dinner and to meet their new baby (we had been excited that we would have babies so close together) and we were supposed to meet her the day after the miscarriage happened, so obviously we postponed - until last night. It went pretty well, but at one point I did just start crying. They were very sweet and supportive and offered a hug and said "think about your future." And I just wanted to throw a tantrum. Honestly, I don't doubt that some how some day we will get our baby - TTC or adoption. I don't feel hopeless about building our family, I just feel cheated about the timeline. I feel like we were promised a baby in may. And we deserve a baby in may. It just makes be feel so betrayed.

Ugh. Well, that was a rant and a half. Thanks.
post #12 of 111
Hi Group. It sucks that there is a need for us all to need this thread,but I am happy to come across it.

I am a long time mothering.com lurker, but first time poster. I had a m/c at 8 weeks at the end of August. We went in for our first big ultrasound expecting to hear the heartbeat, but there wasn't one. My body was still acting pregnant even though I no longer was, so we opted to have a d & c. It is was the right choice for us, because I couldn't stand "feeling pregnant" when I wasn't. I had no idea going into this that you could have a m/c, but no cramping or bleeding and still have all those early preggers symptoms. The follow up testing on the tissue that they removed showed that the I was carrying a genetically normal baby girl.

We are now on embarking on round 3 of post-m/c IUIs. This is the first month that my period is really back to normal. I am still more crampy then ever, but hopefully I will be totally back on track soon.

Pleasantly Furious, I think I know you from back in the babycenter days. Sorry to see you on here. I totally understand about feeling cheated on the timeline. I have a really hard time not thinking about how much closer we would be to our little one if I was still pregnant. And, for me it makes it even harder when other people remind me that one day I will have my baby, because that sometimes seems so far beside the point. We are ready to be mamas now and starting over feels so terribly unfair.
post #13 of 111
Thread Starter 
Hi Ellebelle and welcome. I do remember you from BC and am sad that this is where we've found each other again. Best of luck this cycle.
post #14 of 111
PF -- I totally understand the need for tears around meeting the new babe. As well as the feeling of being promised a babe in May. I definitely felt that way with our first m/c. The second, not quite as much. This one moreso. I rearranged our life mentally. And the timing was great. So now I feel screwed, in a way.

And I find myself not wanting to be around pregnant folks, folks with new babes, etc. It makes my heart ache. Especially those yummy new babes. I want to cuddle them and love them up, but then I just start thinking how we were supposed to have one of those over a year ago already.


post #15 of 111
Wow, I just love all of you guys already. I love being able to be bitter and pissed off, and know that you guys know where it's coming from. I work in a school, so having a baby due in late June was really just too perfect. I'd get the summer off to be home with newborn babe, and then go back in Sept. while DW does most of the childcare. Perfect, right?? Not to be, it turns out.

I guess I'm giving myself some sort of a timeline about choosing a D&C. It's now been over a week since we found out this was not a viable pregnancy. I definitely don't feel pregnant anymore, but I also have no feeling of cramping, no signs of bleeding, etc. I went running and hot tubbing last night to see if that would get things moving...nope, just really sore since I hadn't run in 2 1/2 months! Is there any evidence of better or worse recovery with a D&C?
post #16 of 111
Hi everyone

ktcl--I think one of the hard things about all of this is that bodies react so so different when a m/c happens, that it is hard to say what is the best thing to do or how recovery will be. From all the research I did when we first found out, it seems like there are no constants, which sucks when you are trying to make a decision. My post d & c recovery was pretty crampy (my DP went out and got a heating pad which saved me!), but I had very little post procedure bleeding which some people do. I felt pretty junky for a few days. But, I am still glad we opted for it. When I went into the second ultrasound I knew I just wanted to be done. It was too hard. And, if this wasn't it, I just wanted to move on in the process. I haven't read of any statistics on weather one option or the other results in quicker return to "normal". My hcg levels went below 5 a little more then 4 weeks after the procedure and I got my period about 2 weeks later. Oh, but I did want to mention, that you might want to check if hot tubbing/baths are okay right now for you. After the first bad u/s my doc recommended not getting submerged in water, because sometime your cervix starts to dilate when you are having a m/c and you don't want to chance infection. Sending you lots of support as you try to make your decision.

megin-- How terrible that you have had to go through so many losses. I can only imagine how frustrating it is for you and your DP to be around the little little ones, especially when you are in this limbo. If we all could just have a month or two to coccoon up in your houses with some trashy tv shows and treats (or whatever is special to you!), so we could heal up before having to face the world.

I went for my first accupunture appointment yesterday. It was pretty amazing. I wish I would have started sooner. It is awfully pricey, but my body feels so out of wack, that I am going to try and swing it for a few months. One of the hardest parts of this whole process for me is how separate from my body I started to feel. It is like being intune with every ache and pain, but somehow totally outside of it. Need to work on that.
post #17 of 111
Thread Starter 
Elle - I hope acupuncture is just the ticket for you. I've heard great things about it, but also found it cost-prohibitive. I totally know what you mean of feeling like you pay close attention to your body and it's signals, but just don't feel at one with it.

ktcl - Have you come to a decision yet? I hear you on the timeline issues - I was due on Mothers Day - and was looking forward to being visibly pregnant for several big milestones - christmas, our anniversary, a big conference that I attend every year and see my friends from around the country, and my trip to see my family in mexico. I know that whenever it does happen it will be "perfect" again, but I'm just so mad that I missed all those things I had envisioned and was looking forward to.

Megin - any news from you and Katie? That was actually the second time I had to be around a baby since it happened, and the first time it was at a party where only one person knew what had happened, so I spent a lot of time in the bathroom. They must have thought I had a stomach bug or something

My heart is breaking for lemurmommies
post #18 of 111
Thanks for checking on us. We (that's me and ktcl/Katie, just for clarification's sake...) are STILL waiting for Katie's body to miscarry. She had two acupuncture treatments this week. It's now been 10 days since we found out there was no heartbeat. It does feel interminable right now, especially knowing that the babe passed away prior to that appointment. Katie's body is holding on for a LONG time.

We're hoping for the miscarriage to happen normally, but I think that there will be a timeline at some point, after which time she would get a D and C.

We're pretty blah. And it's cold and grey.

post #19 of 111
hey ya'll

so mad we are all here, but really really glad we aren't alone in all these feelings.

I lost my babe at 10.5 weeks, I m/c 13 days ago, though it really feels like forever ago.

I am at a total place on confusion. I waiver back and forth EVERY hour. My immediate response was--That Sucked I Will NEVER Do That Again!!!

I considered myself luck that I was a single parent w/o a co=parent pushing me to get back on that horse, but now I kinda wish it felt a tiny bit out of my hands, so I could at least say, "I don't really care if I get pregnant again, but I'll occasionally inseminate for _____" No opportunoty for mind games here, either I decide to put myself on the TTC train again or not.

What I have come to terms with is that I might be ok on break for a while and I might be ok not ever going through the TTC crazies again, but I have the overwhelming fear of being a post menopausal baby snatcher!!! No but for real, living my later life in total regret is what keeps me thinking maybeeee??

Of course everyone is saying "It'll happen again, You will be such an amazing mom, You can do this"--and I just let it roll off but then---there was my mother!!
She got to me in that way that NO ONE else can!! She said "Hon, a lot of people get pregnant when they try the very next cycle, maybe because the hormones are still there. Maybe you should just get some sperm and just do it, No stress, but just put it in and see what happens"
I laughed at the time, but here I am 2 weeks later wondering if I'm about to ovulate and thinking maybe...If I did it would be a total secret and only me and my donor would know...see its a slippery slope!! It feels SO nice to feel like I finally came up for a breath of air from the TTC swamp. This feels like the first time I could actually walk away from it for a bit, but....

So confusing!!
post #20 of 111
Thank you SO much for starting this thread. I miscarried at 10 weeks at the beginning of November. It was horrible. We had seen the heartbeat at 8 weeks but apparently the baby had died at about 8 1/2 weeks. I had no spotting or anything until 10 weeks. I opted for the "natural" route, but, honestly, I would never do that again. It was the most painful thing I've ever been through, both physically and mentally. I would definitely have a d & c if it happened again. I'm excited, though, b/c I finally got my period this morning, so that means, we can start thinking again. My OB and nurse practitioner want me to wait 2 cycles, but at least things are moving forward now. Again, thanks so much for starting this thread. I feel like I should be doing better than I am at this point, so support is appreciated.
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