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Queer TTC/pregnant after loss - Page 2

post #21 of 111
Quote:
Originally Posted by ktcl View Post
Thanks for this thread. I need it too. Did you guys let those later miscarriages happen naturally, or did you have a D&C?

Quote:
Originally Posted by megincl View Post
Thanks for checking on us. We (that's me and ktcl/Katie, just for clarification's sake...) are STILL waiting for Katie's body to miscarry. She had two acupuncture treatments this week. It's now been 10 days since we found out there was no heartbeat. It does feel interminable right now, especially knowing that the babe passed away prior to that appointment. Katie's body is holding on for a LONG time.
Megin and Katie - my body was still holding strong three weeks after Noelle passed away. I had no idea. I just went in for a regular appointment with our midwives and there was no heartbeat. I had had no cramping, no spotting, nothing.

Since I was so far along, a D&C was not an option for us. I had my labour induced and Noelle was born vaginally on Thursday. It was a tough, tough experience, but one that I wouldn't have passed up for the world. At the time the last thing I wanted to do was go through labour, but I'm happy that I was able to bring her into the world myself. We chose not to see her body though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pleasantlyfurious View Post
My heart is breaking for lemurmommies
Thanks so much PF. We're taking it just a little at a time. Someone sent us a book for E today called "We were supposed to have a baby, but had an angel instead." He really likes it, but it was hard for us to read. It just feels so raw right now.

As for us and TTCing, the OB that was there for Noelle's delivery suggested waiting at least two cycles before trying again. I don't know how quickly my cycle will return, but we're hoping that by March we'll be back on the bandwagon. When I gave birth to Noelle I wasn't sure that I'd be able to bring myself to try again, but just a few days out we already know we want to. Hopefully we'll get pregnant quickly again.
post #22 of 111
Glum. That's the mood in our house right now.

Still nothing on the miscarriage front. Ugh.
post #23 of 111
Thread Starter 
lemurmommies - that book sounds really sweet - but I can imagine not being able to read it right now. I was just telling my DP about the book and my voice cracked as I said the title, so don't be too hard on yourself for not getting through it.

jodybird - your story sounds very similar to ours. It's still really early and I'm sure you are healing in your own time and there's nothing wrong with that. I know I still cry almost everyday - at this point I can mostly keep to private times in our home, but even that isn't always possible. In some ways I sometimes think I should be coming out of it more quickly - then other times, I can't believe I can laugh at all after losing the pregnancy. It's really a big thing to get over - especially for those of us that want it so so badly.

kjm - we are currently in the tww for our first try since the miscarriage and we aren't telling anyone about trying again - it is interesting how many people have asked, though, and we just say we'll try when we're ready. It feels really different this time around. I tested on 10 DPI, which is when I got my BFP last time and it was negative this time around which was hard to see. I want to be pregnant again so badly but it is scary to think about the prospect of being hurt like that again.

megin - so sorry this wait is dragging on for you both.
post #24 of 111
Hate to see us all on a thread like this. But so happy its here.

After MONTHS of planning, charting, purchasing, filling out paperwork, praying, timing, we got pregnant on our first at home ICI. We were just beside ourselves and couldnt believe we had beaten the odds and that it had worked. Dream donor, dream partner, perfect timing. It honestly never dawned on me that it wouldnt be perfect.

I was devasted when I started cramping, and then bleeding Saturday night. Only 6 weeks along, but like someone else said I had already completely re-arranged everything in my head to be a mommy.

It will be hard when my August due date comes with no little one.

I am so not patient (not that any of us really are in this situation). We were originally supposed to inseminate a month before we did (the timing of the release was changed and it missed my cycle) so I already felt like I had waited an eternity from MARCH when we originally picked the donor.

Sucko timing with the holidays...

My biggest feeling right now is just huge and utter disappointment. I was trying to explain how I felt to my dp and said " Its like if you finally got that pony on Christmas morning that you had always wanted, you got to keep if for a month or so, get really attached to it, and then you woke up one morning and it was just gone"

Immediately after my m/c I stopped "feeling" pregnant. I mean immediately. Almost like it was all a dream

My heart goes out to all of you. I am grateful that mine was so early...im sure every day pregnant makes it harder not to be. Physically it was much more painful than I would have expected. I hope we ALL get to move past this and into healthy pregnancys very soon.

We will try again in February-ish. ASAP.
post #25 of 111
Miss Scarlett I am so sorry you have to join us here. It sucks. I had two miscarriages that were much earlier on... I had only known I was pregnant for about a week. And I would keep trying to remind myself that many women wouldn't even have known they were pregnant. If it weren't for those wretched (and wonderful when they work in our favor) EPTs, I could have perhaps just been sad that I wasn't pregnant rather than totally devastated that I had been but was no longer.

This one feels different. In many ways. I was so cautious with my emotions, having had 2 miscarriages already. But when I had made it to 9 weeks I really thought I was out of the woods. I really thought I was going to go into that appointment, beg for an early ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy and start sharing my heart out with everyone that I was pregnant! Instead I begged for that early ultrasound and found out there was no hearbeat.

Yesterday, three weeks after that awful ultrasound day, I finally started bleeding. Last night was a bit scary. The bleeding was more intense than I expected. Today, though I am completely spent, I think I am mostly done.

I'm not sure when we'll try again. It will either be this cycle or next. If I was in a heterosexual relationship with free and regular access to sperm, I would definitely be trying this cycle. Since that is not our situation, I will have to decide if it is worth it to try again given that it will be virtually impossible to tell when I am going to ovulate.

I am really sad because I really thought this Christmas was going to be all about telling everyone I was pregnant... and it being real this time. See, two Christmases ago, I got a BFP on Christmas eve. And having never experienced a miscarriage before, we told everyone right away. So two years ago at Christmas it was all about telling everyone we were pregnant... and then New YEar's day was all about telling people I was no longer.

And then there's the whole, "being happy with who our family is right now..." When I am moaning about not being pregnant, I feel badly, as if our DS is not enough. But when DP says, "I'm happy with our family just the way it is, " I freak out thinking she means that she doesn't want to TTC again. Or if I feel content, thinking about how great my family is just the way it is, I think it somehow means that we shouldn't keep TTC.

Wow... so many crazy thoughts and emotions today. Thanks for listening.
post #26 of 111
Thread Starter 
Yeah - the holidays coming up is a milestone I'm kind of dreading. I should have been 20 wks next week when I'll be travelling to mx to see my family for christmas and was really looking forward to showing off a belly.

We tried again this past month with no luck and I'll be ovulating while in mx, so we reluctantly have to take this month off - but we'll be back to trying in January. I hate hate hate hate hate hate that we have to take a month off. Every time I think of it it makes me cry. I hate not being pregnant and to just sit out a month is making me crazy.
post #27 of 111
Quote:
Originally Posted by ktcl View Post
And then there's the whole, "being happy with who our family is right now..." When I am moaning about not being pregnant, I feel badly, as if our DS is not enough. But when DP says, "I'm happy with our family just the way it is, " I freak out thinking she means that she doesn't want to TTC again. Or if I feel content, thinking about how great my family is just the way it is, I think it somehow means that we shouldn't keep TTC.
I totally hear where you're coming from! I know that we want to try to TTC again, that E would make a great big brother and that we'd love to give him a sibling. But I don't want to seem unhappy with what we have right now. I love my family. I love DP, and E, and Noelle, even though she's not with us. But I still feel we're somehow incomplete.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pleasantlyfurious View Post
Yeah - the holidays coming up is a milestone I'm kind of dreading. I should have been 20 wks next week when I'll be travelling to mx to see my family for christmas and was really looking forward to showing off a belly.

We tried again this past month with no luck and I'll be ovulating while in mx, so we reluctantly have to take this month off - but we'll be back to trying in January. I hate hate hate hate hate hate that we have to take a month off. Every time I think of it it makes me cry. I hate not being pregnant and to just sit out a month is making me crazy.
Oh, PF. *hugs!* I know what you mean. I was supposed to be halfway done. Today marked 20 weeks for me. And instead it's been less than 2 since I delivered our daughter. Sigh.

Do I sound like a raving lunatic for saying that I wish I had just miscarried earlier? Now, if my cycle comes back reasonably quickly, we're looking at late February at the earliest that we can try again. It seems interminably long.
post #28 of 111
Quote:
Originally Posted by lemurmommies View Post
Do I sound like a raving lunatic for saying that I wish I had just miscarried earlier? Now, if my cycle comes back reasonably quickly, we're looking at late February at the earliest that we can try again. It seems interminably long.
i don't think you sound like a raving lunatic (and isn't my opinion the one that matters most?! ).

does it make me a raving lunatic to say i am glad that you didn't?

i had just gotten to the point where noelle was more than an idea to me. as the non-bio parent, especially with the boy and his craziness and work and its craziness and the stress of the move, i had not really gotten into the swing of this pregnancy until our trip to OK. and when i had that time to relax amongst family and friends, away from all the stressors of our everyday lives, "that new animal" became much more real to me.

and then we came home, and it was all taken away. but if it had happened earlier, i am not sure that i would have been cognizant of the enormity of my loss.

(love you, babe!)
post #29 of 111
Thread Starter 
I don't think it sounds crazy either I go back and forth between thinking I would have preferred an earlier miscarriage (or not getting pregnant at all if it had to end that way!) and being so grateful for those nine weeks - they truly were the happiest time in my life.
post #30 of 111
Thread Starter 
Does anyone else still compulsively check their (former) due date club boards? I feel like I'm a glutton for punishment - but also, I want to know where I'd be now in my pregnancy and what I'd be experiencing.

I really hope I'm pregnant again before my due date rolls around.
post #31 of 111
Quote:
Originally Posted by pleasantlyfurious View Post
Does anyone else still compulsively check their (former) due date club boards?
I check ours sometimes. I stayed away for a bit right after we lost Noelle, because everyone was going in for their 20 week ultrasound and it was just a little too much happy going on for me to take. But I'm back to peeking in and seeing how people are doing, and occasionally commenting on threads. So you're not alone pf!

As for me, exactly 4 weeks to the day that I delivered Noelle, AF showed up. For me, that's a :. Good to know that even in the midst of everything, my body is still as regular as anything. DP and I are now looking at the calendar and trying to figure out whether we're going to try in February. We just might.
post #32 of 111
Thread Starter 
That's great news lemurmommies. I'm so glad things are back on track for you. Best of luck for February if you decide to try.

I'm currently awaiting AF for a January try. I just deleted the DDC from my bookmarks. I'm hoping I get to add a new one soon.
post #33 of 111
I checked my DDC a few weeks ago and it was so odd to think I would have been due in 8 weeks from now! (from the first m/c at 9.5wks) I stopped reading it almost immediately and that was the first time in ages. As the due date gets closer, I actually find myself getting angry again. Ugh.

We have tried once since the 2nd m/c and our timing was not the greatest so BFN. We will be trying again, hopefully, in Feb. I wish I didn't have such a feeling of desperation! I can't imagine it's good for TTC
post #34 of 111
Well, it's all set. Our sperm donor has plane tickets to visit us from February 8th to 13th. It gives my cycle a little leeway in when it shows up. I almost can't believe it. If it doesn't work out, he will likely come back in April (March is out for us because we have to travel right around the time I would ovulate.)

I want to cheer. And puke. Man, TTC seems so much scarier now.
post #35 of 111
Good luck, lemurmommies. Take a deep breath and relax (Easier said than done, I know!)
post #36 of 111
Thread Starter 
I know what you mean about it seeming scarier - I'm hopeful and terrified. I'm glad KD will be coming in for you to try, though! I'll have my fingers crossed for you.

I'm not sure what I should do about the pregnancy book I was diligently filling out during my pregnancy. It seems silly to keep it, but it makes me so sad to think of throwing it away.
post #37 of 111
Quote:
Originally Posted by pleasantlyfurious View Post
I'm not sure what I should do about the pregnancy book I was diligently filling out during my pregnancy. It seems silly to keep it, but it makes me so sad to think of throwing it away.
I don't post on this thread because I'm neither pregnant nor ttc, but my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, and I relate to many of the things that people have said here. Pleasantlyfurious, I don't have an answer to this, but do have a similar situation. You may know of the national oral history project, StoryCorps. They travel around the country recording oral histories with "everyday" people. Occasionally, excerpts of them are played on NPR, and all of the interviews are archived in the Library of Congress. Well, a week after I found out I was pregnant the first time, my ex (back when she was my current) and I recorded an interview. She interviewed me about my pregnancy, and we talked about my insemination (which was one of the most community-filled, beautiful experiences of my life), the politics of queer babymaking, my hopes for the child, what it meant to me to be a parent. It was such a powerful experience.

And then, I lost the pregnancy. And eventually, I lost her too. And now, there's this cd of this interview that we did together, and she has the only copy. I often think about it, and think about asking her for it. It's an important document, something that I want. And yet, it's hard to think about listening to that recording of my unmitigated joy, knowing what came after it. Ultimately, of course, my story has a "happy ending." I eventually got pregnant again. I got an amazing partner. I have an amazing baby, who I adore. But I never got back that sense of happiness without caution, joy untempered by the need to hold my heart in check, just in case something went wrong. And it makes me a little sad- I want to be able to listen to that recording someday with my kid and say, "See? See how happy I was to be pregnant with you?" Except that, it wasn't her. And the truth is that the experience of losing that pregnancy (not to mention, my relationship), made the beginning of my next pregnancy a far more emotionally ambivalent experience than it was the first time around.

Anyway, I hope you don't mind me posting here. I was just really struck by your post, because I think about that cd all of the time, and wonder exactly what I should about it.
post #38 of 111
Thread Starter 
Angela - I'm glad you posted. I've had regrets about the name of this thread since the beginning - it was meant to be more inclusive. Soon I'll start a new thread and just call it Queer recovering from a loss or something along those lines. Anyway - that CD sounds amazing - and in context, heartbreaking. In my journaling I wrote directly to the baby and really thought about the baby reading it someday. And I'll do the same again, should I have the good fortune to find my self pregnant - but it's true that it won't ever be the same as the first time. I hate it.
post #39 of 111
Angela,

I actually cried when I read your post. I know exactly what you're talking about. I should be doing my first insemination after my Nov loss either tomorrow or Friday, and I have been feeling the exact same way--sad about my loss of innocence regarding pregnancy. It makes me sad to know that I'll be making myself keep such an emotional distance from the pregnancy, should I become pregnant again, in order to protect myself. It just makes me really sad to think that I'll never feel that sheer joy that I felt with the first...
post #40 of 111
jodybird, I've been thinking about you, wondering how you're feeling (emotionally) being in your TWW after m/c.

AFM-- I think I ovulated yesterday... first time since the m/c. At first I had slightly mixed feelings. We haven't been in contact with our donor, who lives on the other side of the country, so we won't be/didn't inseminate, but I think today I just feel quite content to know that my body has moved on. And I'm not even someone who ovulates regularly, so this seeems like a really good sign.

Of course it could also potentially mean that we aren't able to inseminate next cycle due to vacation plans, but even that is not devastating me.

I'm still trying to get an appointment with an RE that I saw in august to see if he has different recommendations now that I've had three miscarriages, but I sort of feel like even if I don't see him before next ovulation, I still want to try again.

Where is everyone else at? KJM-- are you with us??
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