Originally Posted by ktcl
Where is everyone else at? KJM-- are you with us??
funny you should ask!! I just popped in for the first time in a long time.
Things have been crazy--I moved in with my "former" KD as the first of the year. His grandma passed--she had been living with him, so I moved here to help with the mortgage and keep him company. I say former because we had a brief conversation after her passing in which he said I can live here until I get pregnant again--he just can't imagine living with a baby, thats why he wanted to be a KD and NOT a Dad--and he said he doesn't think he can't take TTC again. He said it brought up too many doubts, he felt like there was something wrong with him and he didn't like that.
I tried to remind him that the first time we actually inseminated on time (confirmed by the ovulation watch) and 48 hours between each "release" I got pregnant!! Yes for 1 &1/2 I was using sperm that was produced less than 24 hours old (often 10 hours old)--my lil "former" KD needs frequent "releases"
--But he wasn't encouraged so...
It is hard because when everyone hears we moved in together they say, "Well that will make inseminating easier"
and then I either say, "Well not really I'm not sure when I'll ever feel ready again and he said he wont be my donor"
No one believes us--I kinda dont either but I hear Denial runs deep
I went to his clinic today to get a massage and in the middle of it all I got such a vivid image of my kid at 1 1/2 year old-- It was beautiful. I was filled with a sense of peace knowing that I will birth eventually and I'm pretty sure he will be my KD again. I just felt it so strongly, my kid had curly messy hair and chubby cheeks and was sooo laid back and outgoing. S/he was very friendly and was causally going from person to person allowing all to hold him/her and be held by everyone--It filled me with great calm and joy.
I reflected on it later with DP and I realized that I think I might want to just inseminate August, Sept and Oct for the next few years and see what happens. For some reason when I picture it all the number 35 comes to mind? I'm thinking I'm going to birth when I'm 35--which will make me 50 witha 15 year old--ugghh and I just turned 32 so.. lets hope that is the magical # when I birth #2?? Not sure but the # was so clear--maybe 35 is the age I am when my kid is 1 1/2--lie in my image?? then maybe it is closer than I think--this is all weird
I got real superstitious when I'm TTCing--but this was all very different, it felt very powerful and spiritual.
Thanks for giving me space to put these things out in the world, not sure I would be able to spell this all out to many people in my life right now