Would you tell your DP to come home?

[Amber Lion]

So I'm sick. Feeling slightly miserable, but doing ok I guess. Addie is being super clingy/fussy and nursing a LOT for any number of reasons. We got home late last night, so even though Addie slept good we didn't get much sleep - so I'm exhausted. There is VERY little food in the house b/c a grocery trip is needed - case in point I'm eating a frozen pot pie for breakfast.

Dh is planning on hanging out with friends tonight - has been the plan for a while I guess. One friend he hasn't seen in 10 years, this person just got back to the states from being deployed in the military, and will be in town for only tonight. He said he'd be home by 9.

This is sounding less and less appealing to me; I'm worn out already and it's only 11:30. I'm going to eat like crap all day, I can barely blow my nose b/c Addie needs so much attention, and I might throw up at any point. I already asked him this morning if he'd stay home and that's when he said he'd come home by 9 instead of later. He also told me to go over to our friends house tonight. : I need help taking care of Addie - not company, which I told him but to no effect.

So, my only option is to invoke the spousal veto and *tell* him to come home... or try and make it through. I know we've been discussing over in the daily thread what's reasonable to ask of DP's... and I'm wondering where this lays. He will NOT be happy if I tell him to come home... but I won't exactly be happy if he stays out either. Thing is, I'll make it through, I won't be happy, I may be miserable, but I'm not *dying*....

See what I mean I have no idea what's reasonable to ask? WWYD?

[Bee21]

I'm sorry you're sick. DD1 and I had the stomach flu this weekend, and taking care of a sick toddler, a baby and myself while puking constantly is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. But DH couldn't get off work (12 hour shifts to boot...LONG day) so I was on my own. It sucked. But I lived, and we're fine now, and I'm a stronger person for it.

Your situation is a tough one, since it doesn't really involve your DH working. But in this case, with a friend whom he hasn't seen in years and one who's been overseas, I think I'd let DH go out for awhile. I know some will say his responsibility is to be with his family, but when will he get a chance to see this friend again? Will he hold it against you if he doesn't get to go? I'd honestly rather be by myself than have "help" from a disgruntled DH.

My DH has a cousin in the military whom he rarely sees, and when he does get to see him, I always back off on my requests of him. That time they get together is so infrequent and important to him, that I don't want to interfere.

I hope this makes sense...good luck with your decision!

[Baby_Cakes]

This is a tough one. I think it's tough b/c if I felt as awful as you do, my DH wouldn't go out. He'd know to come home.

That said, if I were in your shoes, honestly I would let him go out, and order food in for myself - pizza or chinese - and have them deliver it so that I had something good to eat. I'd make tea, try to nap as much as possible...

Can your friend come over? Maybe give you a break?

On the other hand, I totally feel this is in the realm of invoking spousal privilege of telling him to come home. When I had mastitis and had a fever of 101, DH getting home ASAP was all I had on my mind, not even letting him work late till 5:30.

I guess this wasn't much help, but maybe somehow it is? LOL, sorry you're feeling so crappy!

[TaraRae82]

I would also let him go out simply because of the friend he hasn't seen in forever. I know I'd feel guilty if I made him miss that. If it were any other guy's night out with local friends, I'd ask forcefully for him to come home but this guy who's been deployed certainly adds a twist to the situation. And honestly, I think it might also be different if you had mulitple children to care for. I'd hold out as long as I can and if 8pm rolls around and just don't have anymore to give then I'd call and ask him to come home sooner rather than later. Feel better!

[lee1203]

I'd definitely say he should stay home... but for the rarity of seeing these friends. Not that you can help being sick, but would he (for lack of a less-strong word) resent you for having to miss it? Can y'all work out some sort of compromise where he takes over more of the baby care for a few days in exchange? Sorry you have to deal with this, I hope you both feel better soon!

Oh, and listen to Carrie - I'd so be ordering myself a pizza (and maybe some cheese sticks!) and just indulging.

[alicewyf]

My husband knows to come home if I'm sick, no ifs ands or buts. We've had arguments about it in the past and now he doesn't even have to ask. I would see if his military friend wanted to come over to our house and hang with him after I went to sleep, though.

[TaraRae82]

^That's not a bad idea....

At least then he'd get to see his friend since that's what should really matter here, not where they're spending time.

[Amber Lion]

The other snag is he works an hour away in a different town and the friend is going to be there... so no coming to our house (although that was a good idea!) and if I get desperate and call him he's still an hour out.

The kicker is this friend for me too, I'm not sure he'd *resent* me per se, but if I ask something of him he really considers it so him having already said he's still going out leads me to believe he'd be pretty pissed. He'd come home... but I think you're right Bee21, how much of a help would he really be if he's pissed? I do think she's getting a bottle tonight though to give Mommy some prolonged down time once he gets home.

ugh. I hope I have some cash somewhere cause that ordering in sounds like a good idea. Addie is actually asleep right now but I've been (stupidly?) getting some things done instead of sleeping too.

[Marcimama]

Here is what I would do, take it or leave it as you please

1. Is there ANYONE else that could come help you? A mom, aunt, friend...etc... I would explain your situation and see if they could bring you dinner and spend an hour or two with Addie so you could sleep. Others may really love to help you if you just ask. If not...
2. I would call your dp and explain in detail how you are doing and that you would prefer that he makes his visit short or skip it, but that you will leave it up to him. Then...here is the kicker...truly leave it up to him and if he isn't home early then forgive him and understand that he really felt he needed to see his friend. It is hard, but think of it as one way you are loving him above yourself. I am sure he will really appreciate your understanding.
3. For the future I would consider making a "code" of sorts about when you or dh need each others help that you can pull out in these cases and that you know the other will be there...no questions asked, asap. But, remember it goes for both of you. For us it is 3 calls on a cell or just saying, "I need you to come home now!" I have only used it twice in our time of having kids and my dh hasn't used it at all so far.

[birthdancedoula]

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes

That said, if I were in your shoes, honestly I would let him go out, and order food in for myself - pizza or chinese - and have them deliver it so that I had something good to eat. I'd make tea, try to nap as much as possible...

Can your friend come over? Maybe give you a break?

This is what I'd do, too. I'd totally have my bff over and order in some yummy chinese food. We actually do this a lot when our guys go out for a beer together. They need that time just like we do.

That said...I would NOT hesitate to call dh if he was out later than my sanity could handle. If things were crazy and I needed an extra set of hands than dh's phone would be ringing for sure.

[crosscat]

Sorry you're not well. You've got some great advice here. Hope someone can come help you out. I'd ask your DH to keep the visit short considering the circumstances, but not to cancel completely, considering the circumstances.

Feel better soon.

[Amber Lion]

After a rough morning Addie has slept all afternoon... so I've gotten a lot of sleep too and am feeling much better. Thanks for the sympathy all! Being sick with a little one kind of sucks.

And Dh called and said he was going to come home early. I told him that I understood he won't get to see this friend again any time soon (being deployed again), so that if he comes home early I'd appreciate it but it's totally up to him. All the sleep really made me feel like I could handle the evening if he wasn't out super late. So he left it at he's going over there and will call me when he knows what the evening looks like and whether he'll be coming home right away after saying hi, staying a little bit, or staying out till 9 but he definitely won't be staying out later than that.

And I have no idea WHY this irks me so badly, but he called our neighbor and told her I needed help and to come check in on me. I was asleep so didn't answer the door when she came over, but for some reason him doing that without telling me really bothers me. I feel like being ganged up on or something. If I really desperately needed some help, RIGHT NOW, I'd call her without question, but I don't feel like it's her job to come "help" me in Dh's place when it's not an emergency. If I'm asking him for help I've taken into consideration that it'll take him at least an hour to get home, that he may not be able to come, etc... if I needed help sooner I would call myself, I don't need him to call for help without telling me.

[TaraRae82]

^That would bother me too Em. I hate it when DH shares any kind of personal info with anyone. It makes me feel like everything I tell him I have to be sure to add on, "please don't share this". It's very annoying. I wouldn't want anyone checking in on me or coming to help unless I specifically asked them too anyway.