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Need some advice about dss mom neglecting him. - Page 2

post #21 of 29
I must be misunderstanding something, but I cannot afford to buy 4 sets of clothing for my two kids to have one at each house, and I do not think this is indicative of how much I love my kids.

Of course I want them to have clothes at their Dad's home, but that's not the point.
post #22 of 29
Quote:
The language difficulties and your dss's mother's unwillingness to communicate with your husband are problems, I think, because they can make it appear like you care more about this situation than your husband does, and in the courts' eye he is the one that matters most. I think you need to impress upon him the need to be calm, to be the one to talk to dss's mother, to take the lead on these matters (I am assuming dss's mother speaks spanish too?)

If I were you, I would back down just a little bit while things escalate (legally). Don't overfunction. When dss's mother calls to talk to you, tell her you feel she needs to talk to his father and hand him the phone. This will help in the long run
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Good advice..however:

If you are legally in the parenting plan/custody order due to mothers agreement, you DO have a say in things, legally. Most step parents are not in the orders(hard to get the mom or dad to agree to such) but in your rare case, if you are in the legal court orders to make decisions for child, you can step in if dad does not. It is preferable to the courts however, if dad does it ultimately.
post #23 of 29
This is a situation with a lot going on. The mother is apparently only 20yo, so she was 14yo when she had this baby. Maybe she can get a parenting class? Is she also a recent immigrant like your husband? Does she read English? It seems like it may not matter but some of the things you are concerned about may be due to youth and/or lack of family help.

And yes, if you continue to post on MDC, you'll need to visit the gentle discipline forum for better methods of discipline. It makes me cringe thinking about someone smacking a 6yo...
post #24 of 29
Thread Starter 

Thanks

Sunflower, I am not delving into the issue of discipline anymore, as I said before. That is over and done with, and I'm now trying to focus on the bulk of my question that I asked everyone to comment on, not the discipline situation. As I said, you are entitled to your opinion but I think you should also be respectful of other people's feelings. I get the point.

I know this situation is different like (my husband speaking spanish and having legal rights to my stepson at his mother's request, etc.) Yes she was 15 at the time she had Anthony, she speaks spanish but is american. My husband was 25. She was a runaway, who told my husband that she was 19 years old and that her family lived in California(she lived in Ohio and so did they). My husband found out differently when she was 8 months pregnant and the police came knocking at his door. She got taken into custody and they were going to arrest him until HER mother actually intervened and told them that her daughter had lied to him and it wasn't his fault, so he was never charged with anything. Now she is 20 and he is 30 years old. It is a very odd and crazy situation. I feel sometimes like she looks up to me like an older sister(I'm 26) for some reason. I also do feel like her lack of parenting skills has a lot to do with why she does some of the things she does, but she now has two more children and I think she should have learned what she was doing by now. Know what I mean?

Thanks for all of the advice from everyone. It was much appreciated and I am definitely going to look into some of it!!!
post #25 of 29
I don't think you can drop/separate the "discipline" question. If the mom has a major opposition to it, she can make a BIG deal out of it. I know I would - I know everyone doesn't feel the same as me, but I feel incredibly strongly about it and would NOT be okay with my ex hitting my kid. I think if you want to make this work, you need to abandon the moral high ground that I think you are trying to claim and figure out how both families can work together for the best interests of the child: negotiating discipline, parenting classes and support for the mom (who I agree seems to have been dealt a bad hand), support and communication for the parents from a trained counselor, etc. Sounds like a non-ideal situation but that you genuinely care for this kid - I'd focus on how to make that stuff work. Also, I'd assume the mom loves this child - sounds like she does. Work with that.
post #26 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by bronxmom View Post
I don't think you can drop/separate the "discipline" question. If the mom has a major opposition to it, she can make a BIG deal out of it. I know I would - I know everyone doesn't feel the same as me, but I feel incredibly strongly about it and would NOT be okay with my ex hitting my kid. I think if you want to make this work, you need to abandon the moral high ground that I think you are trying to claim and figure out how both families can work together for the best interests of the child: negotiating discipline, parenting classes and support for the mom (who I agree seems to have been dealt a bad hand), support and communication for the parents from a trained counselor, etc. Sounds like a non-ideal situation but that you genuinely care for this kid - I'd focus on how to make that stuff work. Also, I'd assume the mom loves this child - sounds like she does. Work with that.

You can make a big deal out of spanking, but in the vast majority of states, it won't go anywhere. It's considered by the courts to be a legitimate parenting decision and discipline technique (so long as it doesn't rise to the level of a beating--leaving bruises, done with a closed fist or an object, or on more delicate areas of the body).

That said, I agree with the rest of your post.
post #27 of 29
actually, due to a finding of child abuse, my ex is forbidden from using corporal punishment, that was quite clear in my pp
post #28 of 29
Thread Starter 

ProtoLawyer

Thank you ProtoLawyer for the info about how courts view the types of discipline. I have read that same information somewhere before.

To everyone:

I did not mean for this post to become a debate on what types of discipline are right or wrong. Nor am I uneducated about those disciplines. I'm well aware of gentle disciplining as well. I'm sorry if I have offended anyone with my post. I should have just left it out as I see it can ruffle feathers.

Right now both families are doing very well as far as getting along with each other. She accepts the differences at our house and we are perfectly fine with MOST things she does at her house. We accept that we live in different households but mine (and my husband's main concern) is Anthony's well being. I know his mom loves him but if she is not willing to provide him food, shelther, clothing, like we have, then it becomes an issue. When we agreed to give him back to her my husband told her he would be paying very close attention. That if Anthony started coming over and had not had a bath for days, food to eat, etc, that he would bring that up in court and would request full custody. Even though I'm the one posting this question, I post it because my husband IS concerned. However, since he has no idea about a lot of the laws of our country regarding this sort of thing, I am left as the one researching it. I came here to get advice on how to handle his living situation, the overcrowding, the constant lice problem, and if any of you considered that neglect. After listening to what everyone has had to say, my husband and I have decided to sit down and have a meeting with her and discuss our concerns. If then things do not get better, we will call CPS and then take it back to court and let them decide.

Thanks to all again for the advice!
post #29 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by pranamama View Post
actually, due to a finding of child abuse, my ex is forbidden from using corporal punishment, that was quite clear in my pp
Well, in a circumstance like that, yes. The OP gave me no reason to believe that the spanking is any more than just spanking--if that's the case, the court won't care.

The court *may* care if a stepparent administers the spanking, but that really differs by state and even the judge. Here in WI, most judges won't say anything unless the spanking is more than just an open hand on the butt (because stepparents actually have a intermediate parental status--not legal parents, but not legal strangers either).
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