F&F: The Stigma of Being Poor

[transformed]

Things are really rough right now for so many people without having to deal with this. Has anyone had family look ashamed of them because they were going to get coats from community groups? Or food banks?

My MIL was crying on the phone with me saying "You just sound so desperate" (which I am not, She just found out I was looking to community groups and the gov't to get by right now and I was explaining why)

And then she offered to buy both Dh and I coats...(Which I thanked her for) but then she wrote me an email that sounded really snotty saying "I think your parents can buy you a coat as we do not have the money." :

I didnt ask her for a coat in the first place!

I am not ashamed - I have done my share of giving in the past, I think its ok to ask for help when you need it.

My dh is mad at me for talking to her about our situation.

What a mess.

[Marcee]

Being poor bites. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))).

[zinemama]

Sorry you are going through a tough time. I don't see any reason for anyone to be ashamed of a family doing what it needs to get by. I guess this would be your cue not to discuss finances with MIL in the future.

[lolar2]

Maybe she is being a jerk because she feels bad about not being able to help you out more?

[Skim]

Yes, there can be a lot of stigma and bad feelings. I've learned that I absolutely cannot discuss how we meet our needs with my own parents - they simply can't accept that we use community/government sources without judging us. They are elderly, and they love us, and that kind of bad feeling just gets in the way of our enjoying each other. So I don't ask them for anything unless it's desperate. The most I can talk about is how much I love finding great deals at the thrift store. And don't even get me started about DH's side of the family....

The bad-feeling people come at their perspective from different ways, but imo mostly they just don't like to be reminded that "the poor" are just normal people, like us, who don't always fit a stereotype they need to believe in order to feel OK about not being poor. KWIM? Class. They work hard, or they have worked hard in the past, so therefore if we just did the same we wouldn't be poor, too.

Honestly, it sometimes makes me beyond angry that others can feel so sure they can solve our problems, as they see it. And I am not complaining today - we are fed, we have heat when it's well below 20F, good blankets, and we have gas in the cars. I choose to remain hopeful.

Sorry you had to endure your MIL's misguided emotional response. It just sucks.

[transformed]

I think she is snotty and just thinks poor people are crap. I can say that because she constantly talks about poor kids parents not reading to them. Boo!

I think being poor kind of sucks but man, there are so many blessings to be happy for - I wont let it get me down. Despite my MIL. It was kind of an accident telling her - she accidently found out about our finances so I was explaining it.

Count your blessings, I'll bet you have TONS! :

[jtsmom]

I learned a long time ago not to talk about our financial situation to people who would not be supportive. I hope you do have people in your life that will be kinder to you in the future.

And I also think that the way the economy is going, there won't be a stigma associated with being poor for much longer.

[ollineeba]

Originally Posted by transformed

My dh is mad at me for talking to her about our situation.

What a mess.

Well, lesson learned. I would just refrain from talking to her about anything related to your finances again.

to you, though. I know so many people are struggling right now and you have nothing to be ashamed of!

[josybear]

i soooo know what you mean. i hate that i'm somehow a lesser person in some peoples' eyes because i struggle financially. i have to fake fine-ness with family (how's that for alliteration!) and then face condescension at the food bank, rudeness in stores... this week i walked into a bridal shop to try on a bridesmaid dress (the bride is paying, whew!) and the woman gave me an obvious once-over and asked me, in a rude voice, what i wanted. i walked right back out, near tears. :
i am not less of a person. the people doing the oppressing are losing their humanity.

[transformed]

OMG guys! My dh went off on his mom about this. I thought he was mad at me but he totally stuck it to her about being embarrassed about us. LMAO. kewl!!!!

I am such a bad liar - I have just recently learned to tell my kids "the gas station is closed" when they want to buy candy and it is so.freaking.hard.

I just really suck at it.

[ewp11100]

Originally Posted by josybear

i soooo know what you mean. i hate that i'm somehow a lesser person in some peoples' eyes because i struggle financially. i have to fake fine-ness with family (how's that for alliteration!) and then face condescension at the food bank, rudeness in stores... this week i walked into a bridal shop to try on a bridesmaid dress (the bride is paying, whew!) and the woman gave me an obvious once-over and asked me, in a rude voice, what i wanted. i walked right back out, near tears. :
i am not less of a person. the people doing the oppressing are losing their humanity.

I understand what you mean about the "facid of fine" with family. The one group of people you should be able to be open with, you can't. My mom was HORRIFIED we were on WIC :eyeroll It's bad enough that you have to get in line with your checks double and triple checking you have everything just so (because the checks won't go through otherwise) while the cashier rolls her eyes and the people behind you sign and reach for a magazine I don't need attitude from my mom as well.

[BetsyS]

My dh feels compelled to explain our situation to my FIL sometimes. I think because FIL gives him pressure to spend money we just.don't.have. (Come visit us and drive 6 hours with babies and no gas money! Have us up for the weekend with no help on groceries! Let's go hunting for a week!)

This week, FIL countered with, "well we live on x amount and do fine." Um, yeah, that's more than we live on, though. And you don't have student loans or a mortgage or little kids. Not.the.same.

I find it hard, too.

[skai]

Originally Posted by Skim

The bad-feeling people come at their perspective from different ways, but imo mostly they just don't like to be reminded that "the poor" are just normal people, like us, who don't always fit a stereotype they need to believe in order to feel OK about not being poor. KWIM? Class. They work hard, or they have worked hard in the past, so therefore if we just did the same we wouldn't be poor, too.

I think that's exactly it. They need to feel that poor people are "the other". They need to feel that poor people are poor because of their bad choices or bad values or bad whatever - so that they can feel better about themselves for not being poor. Their own family members being poor does not fit into that preconception, so they get confused and emotional.

[slsurface]

A BIG for you. I am really sorry that you ILs are being so insensitive. Money problems can be a really touchy issue for some families. Also, some people feel uncomfortable knowing that their family is struggling and don't know how to help. They may feel bad that they cannot afford to buy things...I'm not saying this very well, so I hope this makes sense. There is a generational thing too...for the most part, our parent's generation never saw rough times, so they look at government assistance as something negative.

Best wishes for you! You are not alone.

[valkyrina]

I hear this. My brother basically told me that I was voting for Obama because I was looking for a handout.: When I mentioned to dh's family that I was looking into some gov't help, they were horrified. But I just tell them (when it comes up, which I do my best to avoid nowadays) that we have paid into the system for years and we will pay into it again when we are in better shape, and families like us are why the system exists. We just need help for a few years while dh is in school.

My favorite is when people why I don't just get a JOB. ugh.: I just tell them that I have about three, and they just don't pay very well, especially the mom-of-twins one. And that daycare for two babies would probably be more than I would make anyway. But it's rough that we have to explain ourselves all the time. I wish people would just let others be.

[mamayarn]

Originally Posted by skai

They need to feel that poor people are "the other". They need to feel that poor people are poor because of their bad choices or bad values or bad whatever - so that they can feel better about themselves for not being poor. Their own family members being poor does not fit into that preconception, so they get confused and emotional.

There are plenty of people in this world who would tell you that it's all your fault because you did x, y, and z and while that may or may not be the case - does it matter? Does the cause of your situation invite anyone to advise or judge you? Absolutely not.

Originally Posted by ollineeba

Well, lesson learned. I would just refrain from talking to her about anything related to your finances again.

Please know that I heartily second this with a voice of way too much experience. You said she accidentally became aware of your finances and you were explaining. So, prevent such leaks of personal information in the future and drill this into your head - if she is not involved in paying you, she deserves NO explanation. Just an, "Oops, that's personal," will suffice. If she asks questions, "We're doing fine, and thank you for your concern." And you are doing fine, even if you are using community resources.

If she brings it up now, say, "I'm sorry; I gave you too much personal information before. I'd appreciate it if we didn't discuss it anymore." Repeat until it sinks in. Do not answer any more questions - she's shown her true feelings and no one needs that stress.

Originally Posted by transformed

I think she is snotty and just thinks poor people are crap. I can say that because she constantly talks about poor kids parents not reading to them. Boo!

All the more reason to believe the first person I quoted and take to heart the advice of the second.

[holidaymama]

I just wanted to throw you some : as well.

We had a baby right after highschool and for the five years we were in college we used daycare assistance, WIC, foodstamps, heating assistance, and after we were married, we used medicaid (for about 2 1/2 years). It's the only way we made it through school with both of us going full time to college. We both also worked part-time.

We never talked to family about it...it was hard for them to accept so we just didn't. Luckily, oh yeah we also lived in subsidized housing...we used it all man! Anyway, we had other college families in our neighborhood and we were all in the same boat, so we would just all talk to each other...it was wonderful!

Anyway, guess what, we graduated and now we have been teaching for almost 2 years making good money and we are paying back the system. Just keep it in your mind that it's nessecary, temporary, and nothing to be ashamed of!

[transformed]

I just wanted to give HUGE KUDOS to all of you who went back to school and/or lived on nothing while you or dp went to school. What an awesome shining example you are for your children. You are my heros. :

[SeekingJoy]

Being poor does suck. We have had better times and worse times, and right now we are ok (thankfully) as long as DH can keep his job.

I have tried for the last several years the opposite approach. Instaed of not discussing money, I talk very honestly and openly about it. To lots of people. It is just money. It isn't a reflection of me as a person, my values, my work ethic, my character.

We had it out with MIL at DS' birthday a few weeks ago. Party was rained out so it moved inside our (tiny) house. She kept complaining about the house being too small. Why didn't we have it at one of the bounce-houses in town. Um, because we don't have that kind of money? We support our entire family on less money that she makes a year.

When I said it out loud, without make excuses or being apologetic, she changed her tune quickly. I think being poor needs to be normalized and talked about. Poverty doesn't make someone "less than."

[mommato5]

You do what you gotta do. The heck with what people think. We had been totally self sufficient until now and we are having to get everything we can. It doesn't make us lesser people. It means we love our kids and are doing our best for them. The economy sucks right now and alot of people are out of jobs. It's through no fault of their own. Our families and church know what has happened over the last few days and if anything, people are being incredibly helpful. Someone paid off our layaway and another woman at church offered us three bags of stuff, in which I really just grabbed some books. If people want to treat you like you are lesser of a person, remind them that even hard working self sufficient people are now finding themselves unemployed due to corporate greed. Assistance programs are there to help when you need it. It would be arrogant to just let your family suffer because you didn't want to ask for help.