I REALLY need help with my wife!! - Page 2

[momo7]

Originally Posted by Transitions

Please do something about this NOW.
My son is 15 and is going through this at his dads, except his dad does nothing.
His stepmom treats him terrible. She has been in the picture for about 12 years, but recently over the last year or so starting yelling/screaming at him, cussing him out, talking about me like trash, I actually heard her scream I HATE YOU to him(he had the cellphone on so i could hear how she treats him) and his dad has custody. I have filed for custody again(we took custody in turns, i had him the first 9 years, then he wanted custody so i agreed)
we go to court in jan, not a moment too soon. His dad watches her treat him bad, and my 15 year old SON cries to his dad to please make her stop and he does absolutely nothing about it...She even told my son that I was breaking into their house and poisioning them!:


So yea, stop it now, before it gets too terrible, for your daughter.
I wish my sons father would stop what is happening to him.It breaks my heart.
I am sorry, I didnt mean to hijack your thread.I just wanted to show you how out of control it can/could get, if it is not stopped.

That is....... horrible. I don't understand some people at all.

[belovedofbast]

I agree with the PP who said that as a Stepmom it is difficult to figure out your niche sometimes. However, I think that your wife is overstepping the boundaries. She needs to understand that your daughter is not HER daughter. She has a mom (regardless of what she thinks of her) and she can't change that. It is unfortunate that this change only occurred post-marriage.

However, I would say that you make counselling mandatory for her individually and yourselves as a couple. If she is unwilling to change, then I would initiate a seperation. My husband and I had a few (small) conflicts regarding me and his daughter, but I think that is sometimes the process to figure out where a stepmom's niche is. The behaviour you are explaining though is unacceptable.

Good luck

[My*Scorpio]

I disagree with the others who say you need to immediately tell your ex about the situation. I think your wife would be really hurt by this and it would hurt the trust between you. Standing up for your daughter is important, but so is your marriage.

As a stepmother, I have realized the role is much more like an aunt or an older cousin than a parent. It's not my job to disipline the stepchildren. My stepdaughters are great children, like your daughter.

It is SO much different for me to have stepchildren than my own children. I have found so much more understanding and patience with my own children.

[greenemami]

Honestly? It sounds like your wife shouldn't be around your daughter if this is frequent, continuing behavior. It is awful to think of how she must be hurting as she sees your daughter and thinks about how she cannot give you another child, but that does not excuse her behavior towards a child.
Maybe you can explain to her that your daughter could eventually (with lots of work, love, and respect) become her daughter, but she will not become her mother. She will be her stepmother, only not just in words-in emotions as well. Does that make sense? I would be afraid that, in her state of mind, if you were to adopt she might do an about-face and start ignoring your daughter to focus on her "real" child (this is how she might think of it, not how I do!). I would ask her to spend her time elsewhere while your daughter is there if she cannot behave nicely and within the bounds of her role as stepmom. FWIW, I think that a stepmom can perform many of the same roles as mom-in my house I do discipline, take care of, nurture, etc. my dsd like her mom does. However, I would never insist that she calls me mom, or badmouth her mom in front of her, etc. I am not trying to be her mom, I am trying to be a great stepmom.
Also, if you think your ex-wife is going to hear about this from the mutual friends that your wife was badmouthing her to, it sounds like you better try to explain the situation to her first. I have a feeling that your daughter has already given her some idea anway-4 year olds aren't known for keeping secrets
Anyway, good luck. This sounds like an awful situation for all of you, and I hope that you have received some advice from this board that helps.

[mum4vr]

Offering HOPE and ENCOURAGEMENT

Wow, dad—you got an earful there. While I do agree that your dd only has you when at your house if your dw doesn’t have a positive long term relationship with her yet, I hope you are more committed to your wife (that you just promised *forever* to 5 months ago) than to threaten divorce. All is not lost! Is it too bold to suggest a few resources that have helped our new blended family immensely already? We went to a seminar by Ron L Deal, the superhero of step families, imo. We have read his first big book, (and we gave a copy to my ex-wife-in-law, too). The Smart Step Family—it addresses the kinds of feelings your dw is having as well as yours and your exs and dds—very practical and nurturing. It was so healing for us just to bond with others in the same boat, and to have the communication tools we needed, that we both cried all the way home. On a bolder and more personal note, please try to validate your dw—she seems to be expressing deep insecurity and feelings of rejection, by reacting against your ex and your dd, too. (I believe that if you reject—ie threaten divorce or separation—your dw now, your marriage will not survive, and your dd will have more change and trauma, not to mention you and your dw! Just my 2 cents.)

Really, you can nurture your marriage, AND protect your daughter, I promise You are obviously a great dad, and handled the relationship with your ex so well that you are good friends and close coparents, so I sense that with the right tools, you have the maturity and wisdom to pull this off to the benefit of all.

A few points from Deal on your issues—AT FIRST, it is the bio parent’s job to discipline, and the step’s job to support the bio, and say, that’s right, dear, just do what daddy/ mommy says, then back off. There is not instant bonding, so there should not be instant discipline. She must not put her hands on/ spank dd! That would be so traumatic, and especially from someone new in her life.
-- Your dw’s FEELINGS are absolutely normal. Her actions and way of expressing the feelings need to be discussed with a competent couples/ family counselor who specializes in blended families (and is on the same page with you both religiously/ culturally.)
--YOUR feelings are absolutely normal, too! Don’t beat yourself up or play the blame game—toward you or toward dw. Please do not try to play lone ranger here—seek the resources that are available. We will be praying for your WHOLE family:

[Flor]

I haven't read the other responses yet, but how terrible. Clearly your wife is jealous of your ex and heartbroken that she can't have her own children, but this is not the way to fix that. I don't know how you fix this. Clearly you have to not allow her to push these things onto your daughter and her mother, but your wife seems like she is in a lot of pain.

[AlmostAPpropriate]

I also feel like talking divorce isnt the best course of action to start with - it may end that way but this is a woman you love.

What are your resources? Do you or she have ins or funds to pay for counseling?

I would, however, be prepared to initiate a "separation" between your wife and child where she does not have access to you DD.

My conversation would go something like this- "I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know everything you say and do is because you care so much. Its gotten to the point where I have to do something now. Maybe you dont realize it but all the tension is really affecting DD. If we cant work thru this Im going to have to start spending my time with DD on my own & I would really miss you. There is a counselor I want us to go see [insert day]. I think he/she can help understand each other and find a way to make things right. I need you to do this for me."

The main point being that you love and want her BUT that doing nothing is not an option.

[pranamama]

Some day she will turn this "anti-charm" on you, I'd cut her loose before you have a child together, who really knows if she can have children or not, are you using protection? that would be my immediate advice.

[phrogger]

I am still pretty new to this board so I hope you don't mind my two cents.

I work with a lot of women who have fertility issues and this is NOT uncommon at all. It doesn't mean your wife is a bad woman, just that she needs to deal with HER issues before she can be a good wife and mother to someone else.

As a step mother, I have had a very different experience, at least in the fact that I am his full time caregiver. His bio mother is not involved and is not the best person for my step son to be around, BUT I still would NEVER expect him to call me mom or for him to ever feel like I didn't like or at least respect his mother for being who she is, his MOTHER.

With that said, i would lay it on the line. Tell her to butt out or get out. That you made decisions about your daughters life before she was ever in the picture. You will not go back on those decisions just because your relationship with your daughters mother didn't work out. Let her know that the choice is all hers and that while you love her deeply, your dd DOES come first and that will not change ever. She can either deal with it, and go by the choices YOU made for your daughter years ago, or she can become a mother and wife with someone else.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by yellowPR

Have you tried putting it to her this way? The way that she is acting is detrimental to your daughter and you will not tolerate it. If she truly cares about your daughter then she will do whatever is in her best interest. It is hard as a stepparent to find your role in the family at first, particularly if you haven't been given much direction from your partner (the bioparent). She should be allowed to have a voice in how your household is run, and this imo includes discipline, rules, routines, etc. But she has no say (other than voicing her opinion to you) in your ex's home or decisions that you and your ex need to make together (school, medical, etc). She should never badmouth your ex where it could get back to your daughter, ever. If there is any chance she could possibly be overheard by your daughter OR badmouthing her to your ex's friends. That is so harmful to your daughter.... That's her mama, a part of her. If there is something wrong with mama there must be something wrong with her. That is how your daughter will look at it.

A stepmother is not the same role as a biological mother. She has to realize that. Both roles have "mothering" aspects to it, but a stepmother can be a caring and wonderful influence in a child's life without trying to take over mom's role. She needs to build her own unique relationship with your daughter rather than trying to shove mom out of the picture.

I would also be concerned about adopting children with her if she disagrees with the parenting choices you have made.

:

Originally Posted by JSMa

I think your wife needs counseling. I don't say this in a mean way, but in a very sympathetic way.

The overwhelming need to have children can be so strong at times in a woman. I can honestly say I don't think I could have done the StepMom thing if I was unable to have my own children, it would have been far too painful for me. In helping to raise a child you grow an incredible bond but they will never ever be your own, and that can be pretty hard to swallow when you know you can't ever have your own.

I think your wife is likely dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil inside herself about not being able to have children of her own and it has manifested to extremes in behavior against your ex, likely from jealousy. Your ex was able to give you a beautiful daughter and your wife will never be able to do that... this can kill a woman emotionally.

I am not saying her behavior is acceptable! She should NEVER bad mouth the Mother in front of the child. She should NEVER try to take the Mother's place... but I think it is healthy to recognize she is a "bonus" mother. And she is part of helping to raise your daughter.

I think you should talk to her and try to understand some of the emotions she is likely dealing with. Support her to go to therapy and offer to go with her as well. It is a very sensitive topic to bring up obviously... But she really needs to work through her anguish she is dealing with before it escalates even more and creates a hostile living environement for your daughter and your working co-parent relationship with your ex.

I hope some of that insight helps. I feel for everyone in this situation.

: And the bolding is mine.

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

If I was the mom in this situation I would be feeling hostile and wondering if you were capable of looking out for dd's best interests when she was in your care. I really recommend you provide some separation so that this can be worked out without further damage to your dd.

I agree.

Originally Posted by phrogger

I work with a lot of women who have fertility issues and this is NOT uncommon at all. It doesn't mean your wife is a bad woman, just that she needs to deal with HER issues before she can be a good wife and mother to someone else.

Yes, yes and yes.

[ButterflyStarburst]

You've gotten so much advice and support here there's not much more i could say. But i didn't want to read through it all and not raise my voice in support of you too.

I agree with the other who have commended you as a wonderful father. In fact, it appears to me that you are quite the wonderful partner as well, as you seem to care for both your daughter, and your wife's well being in the same breath.

I gotta say, i might have a tiny crush on you now.

Many hugs to you, as you work through this with your little family. Let us know how things are going!

[MsChatsAlot]

I'm wishing you all peace and healing.

The thing is you cannot control anyone except yourself.

You can suggest counseling, you can ask her to stop, you can talk to her, but ultimately, she can say no or refuse or ignore you.

I'd turn the focus off her for a moment and to yourself. What can you do? What are you doing? Can you do more? What do you feel you could do that might help the situation or be best for everyone involved?

I think you'll find you have more answers than you realize...and even if the answers scare you, you know in your heart what you need to do...so please listen to yourself and follow through. I've not heard people regretting listening to their intuition/gut feeling...but I've heard a lot of people say, "If only I had done something."

I wish you all peace & love.

[dadtastic]

I think that this was the worst weekend so far... my wife's niece came to stay with us, so that my girl could have a friend, and so that we could each have a 'team-player' (my wife's words). She barely said a word to my daughter except for fussing, and I asked her to please, give me a chance to correct the behavior before you do, I didn't say this, but the way that she corrects things are hostile... anyway, we went on the streetcar, and my wife's two year old neice (gently) tugged on some woman's hair that was sitting in front of us, playfully, you know how two year olds are, the woman turned around, smiling and said, "who pulled on my hair?" My wife slapped the little girl in the face and said, "are you stupid? what the f*** is wrong with you?" I have never heard her that mean before... we got off at our stop, and my wife grabbed the little girls wrist, holding her to high for her feet to touch, the baby was screaming crying, and my wife was jerking her around and pulled her to the ground... I lost it, I told her that I was telling her brother how she is treating his child, and she told me that he wouldn't care because he isn't a wimp like me, and they believe in teaching their children right from wrong... my daughter was crying because it was so violent, and my wife screamed, in the middle of the neutral ground, "if you don't shut up, your next." at which point, I promise my daughter that my wife would never lay a finger on her... She reached across, and pinched my daughter side and twisted, got right in my daughters face and said, "see what I can do? see what I can do?" I lost it, I told my wife that she is horrible, and that I am glad she can't have kids because they deserve better than her... I asked who was going to take care of her when she's old? That she is going to have no one and that she is killing my love for her. She ran away crying, and left me with both of the kids. When her brother and his girlfriend came to pick up their daughter, I told them the story, and the girlfriend started crying and the brother said that they wouldn't have left their daughter alone with her if I hadn't been there because of her temper... I don't know how I didn't know about this... But I told my ex the whole situation, and she has exams this week, but her mom is going to watch my daughter while she is in school, then we have a month to work things out, and I will just visit my daugher at my ex's house, I feel like my place is too violent for her. My wife is acting like nothing happened, and I am over reacting, she doesn't even seem upset about the awful things that I said to her, and when I apologized, she didn't understand what the big deal was... I am trying to get her to see how important this is, the entire situation, not just this weekend, but she is ignoring it...

[Phoenix~Mama]

Oh my goodness! Those poor children! What in the world got into your wife's head?? And she has never acted like this prior to your marriage??

She sounds like she has some kind of mental illness or something... bursts like that and then thinking nothing is wrong...

She needs immediate pyshciatric help... and definitely keep her away from the kids!!!

That is really scary.

I am so sorry for you.

[mild_adventurer]

Oh Papa, I'm so sorry. Thank goodness you were there to protect the children.

I was also happy to read that your daughter will not be staying with your wife until you figure this situation out.

I agree that it sounds like your wife is suffering from a mental illness. Remember this: mental illness is contagious. Not in the sense that it's transferable, but in that it affects everyone associated with the sick person.

That said, I advocate compassion. Your wife is clearly in enormous pain and is crying out for help.

All the same, you must, must, must take care of yourself and your daughter.

A PP encouraged you to listen to your intuition - you probably already know what you need to do.

Peace and love to you and your family.

[Theoretica]

Originally Posted by dadtastic

I think that this was the worst weekend so far... my wife's niece came to stay with us, so that my girl could have a friend, and so that we could each have a 'team-player' (my wife's words). She barely said a word to my daughter except for fussing, and I asked her to please, give me a chance to correct the behavior before you do, I didn't say this, but the way that she corrects things are hostile... anyway, we went on the streetcar, and my wife's two year old neice (gently) tugged on some woman's hair that was sitting in front of us, playfully, you know how two year olds are, the woman turned around, smiling and said, "who pulled on my hair?" My wife slapped the little girl in the face and said, "are you stupid? what the f*** is wrong with you?" I have never heard her that mean before... we got off at our stop, and my wife grabbed the little girls wrist, holding her to high for her feet to touch, the baby was screaming crying, and my wife was jerking her around and pulled her to the ground... I lost it, I told her that I was telling her brother how she is treating his child, and she told me that he wouldn't care because he isn't a wimp like me, and they believe in teaching their children right from wrong... my daughter was crying because it was so violent, and my wife screamed, in the middle of the neutral ground, "if you don't shut up, your next." at which point, I promise my daughter that my wife would never lay a finger on her... She reached across, and pinched my daughter side and twisted, got right in my daughters face and said, "see what I can do? see what I can do?" I lost it, I told my wife that she is horrible, and that I am glad she can't have kids because they deserve better than her... I asked who was going to take care of her when she's old? That she is going to have no one and that she is killing my love for her. She ran away crying, and left me with both of the kids. When her brother and his girlfriend came to pick up their daughter, I told them the story, and the girlfriend started crying and the brother said that they wouldn't have left their daughter alone with her if I hadn't been there because of her temper... I don't know how I didn't know about this... But I told my ex the whole situation, and she has exams this week, but her mom is going to watch my daughter while she is in school, then we have a month to work things out, and I will just visit my daugher at my ex's house, I feel like my place is too violent for her. My wife is acting like nothing happened, and I am over reacting, she doesn't even seem upset about the awful things that I said to her, and when I apologized, she didn't understand what the big deal was... I am trying to get her to see how important this is, the entire situation, not just this weekend, but she is ignoring it...

Honey. Get out. Now. I was on board w/counseling etc till I read this. She's abusive and explosive. You don't want to adopt children w/her. You don't want to be with her for the rest of your life. Dodge the bullet and get out.

And congrats, BTW on such a communicative relationship w/your ex. Clearly you're a good guy, but this fish you caught sounds more like a barracuda.

Good luck. And I mean it...for gods sake get out of this relationship before it destroys you and your relationship with your daughter.

Bellevuemama

[My*Scorpio]

To me, it sounds like your wife doesn't really know how to relate to children, and has unrealistic expectations of their behavior. Are there any children in HER family that she is close to? Does she have any women in her life that are step-mothers that she can talk to?

Things can change over time, but it won't be easy and it will take work.

Some of the PP are suggesting that you leave this woman immediately. I disagree. You and your dd have already been through a divorce. Marriage takes work and lots of communication. If you leave this relationship, what would you do next? Be single until your daughter is an adult? Try to reconcile with your xw? Find another woman with children (a whole other can of worms)?

[Mamafreya]

I am so sorry. You must be really heartbroken right now. What an really crappy situation. Please try and take care of yourself while you're going through this. You have been handeling this wonderfully IMO.

I agree that it sounds like she has a mental illness of some kind.
Also, This isn't about not being able to relate to children. I have two friends who don't have children, have not been around children for long periods of time and I KNOW that their behavior would never come close to your wife's behavior. What she did to her niece (your daughter too) is totally over the line and not even close to rational behavior. She is abusive. The fact that her own brother said that he wouldn't have left his child in her care if YOU hadn't been there is a very big sign that she has been suffering with something whether it's anger issues or a mental illness for a while.

Don't beat yourself up about not seeing this sooner, please. It's very easy for things like this to get overlooked when dealing with someone who does have a mental illness. My MIL suffers from some kind of mental illness (she won't get treatment) but we never had any reason to believe that she was a danger to her grandchildren. Turned out she was fine with children under the age of 10 (sort of) and then once they hit the pre-teen age she went nuts. I'll spare you the details but it was bad and every single one of us were surprised. Also she has a real hostility toward girls for some reason. She was great at pulling the wool over our eyes in the sense that she would say she was getting help and then she would act different for a little while until we would start to relax and then she's revert right back to the toxic behavior. Sadly, now we have nothing to do with her.

Marriage takes work and lots of communication. If you leave this relationship, what would you do next? Be single until your daughter is an adult? Try to reconcile with your xw? Find another woman with children (a whole other can of worms)?

Are you saying that he should stay with a woman who abuses his daughter and himself just so that he doesn't have to go through the trouble of another divorce? I don't mean to sound snarky, I really am curious. I don't think it would be bad for him to be single again if it meant that he and his daughter were safe from physical and emotional abuse.

Yes marriage takes work and lots of communication but this isn't a situation that is healthy by any means. I do think that you did the right thing for your daughter And I also think that you should try to get your wife some help ASAP but she may not want it or be open to it and there is only so much that you can do. She is going to have to really recognize that she has a problem and want to change it. I guess what I'm saying is just be aware that she may act like she's changing but in reality she's not. Be careful.

Could you talk to your BIL about your wife? Would he be able to tell you if there was anything happening like this before you met your wife? Like if she had ever been on any medication or anything like that.
Again, I am so sorry.

Just wanted to add that denial was a very common factor with my mil. She ALWAYS acted like there was nothing wrong and like we were making a big deal out of nothing. If we pushed, she'd explode. This happened everytime that we insisted she take responsibility for her actions.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by bellevuemama

Honey. Get out. Now. I was on board w/counseling etc till I read this. She's abusive and explosive. You don't want to adopt children w/her. You don't want to be with her for the rest of your life. Dodge the bullet and get out.

And congrats, BTW on such a communicative relationship w/your ex. Clearly you're a good guy, but this fish you caught sounds more like a barracuda.

Good luck. And I mean it...for gods sake get out of this relationship before it destroys you and your relationship with your daughter.

Bellevuemama

:

[My*Scorpio]

Originally Posted by Mamafreya

Are you saying that he should stay with a woman who abuses his daughter and himself just so that he doesn't have to go through the trouble of another divorce?

In only 5 months, how much conflict resolution can have occured? I know a lot of people are pro-divorce, but even without bio children, the effects will last years. This isn't his GF, it's his wife. He decided he wanted to marry her, so she must have other qualities that he loves.

Do you think the OP came to this forum looking for validation to divorce his wife? Or perhaps suggestions on how to get through to her and change the situation?