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I REALLY need help with my wife!! - Page 3

post #41 of 110
Offering all of you love, support and healing.
post #42 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by My*Scorpio View Post
In only 5 months, how much conflict resolution can have occured? I know a lot of people are pro-divorce, but even without bio children, the effects will last years. This isn't his GF, it's his wife. He decided he wanted to marry her, so she must have other qualities that he loves.

Do you think the OP came to this forum looking for validation to divorce his wife? Or perhaps suggestions on how to get through to her and change the situation?
No, I don't think that the OP came here looking for validation to divorce his wife at all and I don't think that the majority of the posters here are saying "just divorce her". The way I personally interpreted the majority of responses was that people were saying be prepared that this may not work out. I would totally agree with you if this situation weren't so extreme.

I don't think he should just cut and run but I do think that there is a huge chance that his wife is not someone who will be able to safely raise children. The things that he is describing are ABUSE not just disagreements in parenting philosophies. If she agrees to get help then obviously he should do everything to try to make his marriage work. However, if she won't get help then what else is he supposed to do? IMO a child comes first in this type of situation. If my husband was behaving this way he wouldn't be anywhere near my kids period. I love him dearly, he's my husband but I would put my kids first and my spouse second in a situation like this. (which I think the op is)

I bet there a lot of the things about the OP's wife that are wonderful otherwise he wouldn't have fallen in love with her. I don't believe that anyone is all bad. I think that she misled him though before they were married. She KNEW that he and his ex-wife have an amicable relationship and are committed to raising their daughter together. She KNEW what his parenting philosophies were and she also KNEW that he had no intention of changing either of those two things. Yet she went ahead, married him and then tried to change the entire dynamic of the family KNOWING that he wouldn't be on the same page. That is not honest, healthy or fair. Also, I really do think that op's wife is in deep deep pain and I really do have compassion for that. I hope that I haven't come across as unsympathetic toward her.

I'm sorry that this got so long winded.
My*Scorpio, I think I just misunderstood what you were saying. When I first read your other post I thought you were implying that it would be too much trouble to divorce so just stick it out. I just reread it and I think you meant marring another woman who already had her own children would be a whole other can of worms. I misunderstood that last bit. Sorry
post #43 of 110
I am so glad you came here and posted your story. I think you are right on track - as a dad, you need to support your daughter. And supporting your daughter includes supporting your daughter's relationship with her mother.

Very gently -- what does your heart tell you about your current wife who would try to destroy your daughter's relationship with her mother? Listen to your own heart. It seems to me that the answer is very obvious.

OK, wait -- I just read the face slapping on the bus and the pinching your daughter thing. Also -- I assumed that your wife did not say that thing about your exwife in front of your daughter.

Dadtastic! What are you waiting for ! It's time to get out of this marriage as fast as possible and get down on your knees and give thanks to God that you don't have any children yet. Do not adopt a child with this woman.

At least you already know a good divorce attorney! I suggest that you contact him or her first thing tomorrow morning!
post #44 of 110
Wow, I'm so sorry your DD and Neice had to deal with this kind of horror. Adults can be so alien sometimes. It honestly sounds like your wife need SERIOUS counseling. There is more going on with her other than not being able to have children. I know that can make some women crack, but it sounds like she has a history of this. She is also a GREAT pretender... being able to pull the wool over your eyes until now, the comments her brother made. It really sounds like she needs some help.

You are a great dad- standing up for those girls, and comming here and asking question, and then telling your Ex what happened. How brave! Now you need to take it the next step and make your life and wife safe for your DD and any other child that comes into contact with her. She needs help, but you two need help also. If she is unwilling to acknowledge or change then this WOULD be a deal breaker for me. End of story.

I wouldn't allow someone- my DH included to treat a child like this. I wouldn't knowingly put my DD in harms way, and your wife has shown that she is a danger right now.

I hope you are able to resolve this with REAL results- not more pretending and lies. I hope you DD is able to adjust well to the changes that lie ahead.
post #45 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mamafreya View Post
No, I don't think that the OP came here looking for validation to divorce his wife at all and I don't think that the majority of the posters here are saying "just divorce her". The way I personally interpreted the majority of responses was that people were saying be prepared that this may not work out. I would totally agree with you if this situation weren't so extreme.

I don't think he should just cut and run but I do think that there is a huge chance that his wife is not someone who will be able to safely raise children. The things that he is describing are ABUSE not just disagreements in parenting philosophies. If she agrees to get help then obviously he should do everything to try to make his marriage work. However, if she won't get help then what else is he supposed to do? IMO a child comes first in this type of situation. If my husband was behaving this way he wouldn't be anywhere near my kids period. I love him dearly, he's my husband but I would put my kids first and my spouse second in a situation like this. (which I think the op is)

I bet there a lot of the things about the OP's wife that are wonderful otherwise he wouldn't have fallen in love with her. I don't believe that anyone is all bad. I think that she misled him though before they were married. She KNEW that he and his ex-wife have an amicable relationship and are committed to raising their daughter together. She KNEW what his parenting philosophies were and she also KNEW that he had no intention of changing either of those two things. Yet she went ahead, married him and then tried to change the entire dynamic of the family KNOWING that he wouldn't be on the same page. That is not honest, healthy or fair. Also, I really do think that op's wife is in deep deep pain and I really do have compassion for that. I hope that I haven't come across as unsympathetic toward her.
<snip>
(bolding is mind) I completely agree. Plus, when Dadtastic confronted her, she justified her abusive actions and made it clear that she saw nothing wrong in what she did. If she had at least admitted that she over-reacted and felt bad, then there would be hope that she would seek help and get on the road to change. But she didn't. It doesn't look goodl.
post #46 of 110
Is she does those sort of things while you are there, she pretty much guarenteed acts in a worse way if she is left alone with the dd.

No child should have to be in a situation like this!!!
post #47 of 110
I couldn't pass up without commenting. What a sad situation.

You're doing the right thing for your daughter - her health and well being should ALWAYS come first.

Your wife doesn't just sound like she has different parenting ideas than you. It sounds like she's an abuser. Maybe I'm harsh, but after a stint like that, I would be contacting a lawyer for divorce.
post #48 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by bellevuemama View Post
Honey. Get out. Now. I was on board w/counseling etc till I read this. She's abusive and explosive. You don't want to adopt children w/her. You don't want to be with her for the rest of your life. Dodge the bullet and get out.

And congrats, BTW on such a communicative relationship w/your ex. Clearly you're a good guy, but this fish you caught sounds more like a barracuda.

Good luck. And I mean it...for gods sake get out of this relationship before it destroys you and your relationship with your daughter.

Bellevuemama
Please take this advice!

Maybe your wife didn't show her true colors until now because now that she's married to you, she feels secure that you won't leave her. That's what it seems like to me.

I would at the minimum legally separate while she seeks the treatment she needs. That way, your daughter could resume the life she's known with you.

I dated a guy earlier this year. He seemed perfect--fooled everyone, including my therapist! He swooned me. But he soon started telling me that he would love to adopt my daughter, and that he would love to raise her "with" me, etc etc. I thought it was weird, but not scary. It turned scary w/in a week.

Dude was bipolar and went psycho on me at 2am. He was on the phone with me saying pretty scary things. I told him it was time for us to break up. His response was "No! No. No. You're not allowed to. I won't let you. I need to see you RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW (deep breathing)." I was shaking, peeking out the windows. I grabbed dd (2 am) and got us in the car and went to my gramma's. Come to find out, he's notorious for stalking and beating up ex girlfriends--even stalked a cops girlfriend. He approached me once after that night. Then some undercover narcotic cop-friends of mine had a friendly chat with him : and he never messed with me again.

But people certainly have a way of tricking us--sometimes for years. Please consider a legal separation so that your daughter can have her other home back. It's not fair to your daughter to not have her usual living arrangements.
post #49 of 110
So, I relayed this story to my DH. He asked that you look at this another way. What if... you ex met a guy, got married and he acted JUST like your wife did. People around HIM would have called the cops over the hair pulling incident. HE would be labeled an abuser, violent, dangerous. YOU, her dad, would NEVER let a violent man near her again. It's the same thing.

Women can be JUST as abusive as men, and often more cruel in their abuse. I would seriously sit down and think about how you want your life to play out, because you are right- DD has only 1 childhood. One chance to do right for her.

Sending you strenght and healing vibes, it seems a rough road full of very difficult decisions are ahead of you.
post #50 of 110
Divorce is rough on any kid, even if it is a step parent, but saving a child from a live of abuse is something that trumps any possible pain from a divorce.

If my ex's wife treated my sons like that, well, my ex wouldn't see my kids EVER. He would be choosing an abuser over our children.
post #51 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by yarngoddess View Post
So, I relayed this story to my DH. He asked that you look at this another way. What if... you ex met a guy, got married and he acted JUST like your wife did. People around HIM would have called the cops over the hair pulling incident. HE would be labeled an abuser, violent, dangerous. YOU, her dad, would NEVER let a violent man near her again. It's the same thing.

Women can be JUST as abusive as men, and often more cruel in their abuse. I would seriously sit down and think about how you want your life to play out, because you are right- DD has only 1 childhood. One chance to do right for her.

Sending you strenght and healing vibes, it seems a rough road full of very difficult decisions are ahead of you.


I was JUST going to say...

What if this was a MOM posting that her NEW HUSBAND was treating HER DAUGHTER this way? I've read enough of these posts on MDC and elsewhere...the mom would be told to ditch the abuser, get a restraining order and get out immediately...ESPECIALLY BECAUSE there are children from a previous relationship involved. NO ONE would be telling HER to stay and 'work it out'. Never. Period. Wouldn't happen. Everyone would be offering DV safety tips and escape plans, and rightly so.

Bellevuemama
post #52 of 110
I first read this thread last night & it has stuck with me. What I keep coming back to is this:

You (OP) told your daughter that your wife would never touch her. Your little girl must have felt so protected, and that you were standing up for her.

Except -- then your wife DID touch her. Pinched her & twisted her side in order to hurt her.

If I were your daughter, I think I would be wondering whether you can and will protect her from harm.

Under those circumstances, I believe there is no doubt that you should leave your wife. That's very sad to say. But there is a fundamental trust issue here for you and your daughter. You only get one chance to make sure she knows that you will do what it takes to make sure no one hurts her.

What's good here is that it sounds like you have a great kid and a great relationship with your ex-wife. Don't jeopardize those relationships by tolerating this horrendous behavior by your wife.

So sorry this is happening.
post #53 of 110
Whoa. I was already going to agree about the possibility of divorce before
I read about the weekend.
Thing is, your wife knew how you were raising your dd before she married you. She has no right to want to change that now or to just do her own thing. This is not her child. I think she should have some input, but only if she is working with how you want to raise your dd. If she won't agree to that, then I think you do need to consider divorce.
She also doesn't seem to understand that, for your dd, your ex is mom no matter what your wife thinks, feels, says, or does. This is why bad-mouthing your ex to/in front of your dd will never achieve what your wife wants. This is why it's so important for your excellent relationship w/ your ex to continue. Why do people not get this?? :
But what really bothers me here is that your wife feels no remorse or guilt for her actions. That sounds sociopathic to me.
Also, what if your ex takes this to court and you are not allowed custody of your dd because of how your wife treats her? (just a thought -- do you think that's your wife's intention?)
Good luck!!!!
post #54 of 110
Wow, this whole thread brought tears to my eyes. Dadtastic, I am so sorry for all the pain and confusion you must be going through right now. The whole streetcar incident is SCARY. I would never let my child near a person like that again. Is your wife getting progressively WORSE with your daughter, or has it been this way with her all along? Maybe there is hope, but it will definitely take your wife to recognize this problem. There's little more you can do that continue being open with her and encourage her to get help. What she's doing is child abuse. This isn't CIO vs. co-sleeping, it's slapping a two year old in the face and calling her stupid!!

I really think you should separate your wife and seek counseling, so you can continue to have your daughter in your home. I definitely wouldn't bring your daughter back while the wife is around. I'd also be hesitant to stay with the wife and have the daughter stay with her mom because she may definitely feel abandoned by you or that you're putting your wife first.

What a horrible situation to be in. I hope you are able to work things out.
post #55 of 110
HO-LY COW! i know theres no easy solution but i just want to say that you are obviously doing your best and your daughter (and her baby cousin) are very lucky to have a wonderful protective role model in their lives.
post #56 of 110
your doing an amazing job.

Infertility can really mess a person up. I would also suggest professional counseling, she needs to talk to someone about the hurt of her infertility. DH and I TTC this baby for a long time, it took its toll on me. I had thoughts about taking babies that were being neglected, I thought about asking pregnant teens to let me adopt their child, I had really horrible thoughts about other parents not being fit. The depression is very real, a woman's biological clock isn't to be messed with!

Good luck, I think you will find what works for you!
post #57 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by dadtastic View Post
I think that this was the worst weekend so far... my wife's niece came to stay with us, so that my girl could have a friend, and so that we could each have a 'team-player' (my wife's words). She barely said a word to my daughter except for fussing, and I asked her to please, give me a chance to correct the behavior before you do, I didn't say this, but the way that she corrects things are hostile... anyway, we went on the streetcar, and my wife's two year old neice (gently) tugged on some woman's hair that was sitting in front of us, playfully, you know how two year olds are, the woman turned around, smiling and said, "who pulled on my hair?" My wife slapped the little girl in the face and said, "are you stupid? what the f*** is wrong with you?" I have never heard her that mean before... we got off at our stop, and my wife grabbed the little girls wrist, holding her to high for her feet to touch, the baby was screaming crying, and my wife was jerking her around and pulled her to the ground... I lost it, I told her that I was telling her brother how she is treating his child, and she told me that he wouldn't care because he isn't a wimp like me, and they believe in teaching their children right from wrong... my daughter was crying because it was so violent, and my wife screamed, in the middle of the neutral ground, "if you don't shut up, your next." at which point, I promise my daughter that my wife would never lay a finger on her... She reached across, and pinched my daughter side and twisted, got right in my daughters face and said, "see what I can do? see what I can do?" I lost it, I told my wife that she is horrible, and that I am glad she can't have kids because they deserve better than her... I asked who was going to take care of her when she's old? That she is going to have no one and that she is killing my love for her. She ran away crying, and left me with both of the kids. When her brother and his girlfriend came to pick up their daughter, I told them the story, and the girlfriend started crying and the brother said that they wouldn't have left their daughter alone with her if I hadn't been there because of her temper... I don't know how I didn't know about this... But I told my ex the whole situation, and she has exams this week, but her mom is going to watch my daughter while she is in school, then we have a month to work things out, and I will just visit my daugher at my ex's house, I feel like my place is too violent for her. My wife is acting like nothing happened, and I am over reacting, she doesn't even seem upset about the awful things that I said to her, and when I apologized, she didn't understand what the big deal was... I am trying to get her to see how important this is, the entire situation, not just this weekend, but she is ignoring it...
Um - after this situation there would be no working it out for me. This woman has severe problems and Im not sure they are fixable. To slap a two year old is obscene. Especially in her face! She sounds entirely too rough.
As for pinching your daughter "because she can" I would not only leave her but notify CPS about her. Even if you leave her CPS needs to know - that way if she has children with anyone else - or marries anyone else who has children - CPS will get involved to protect them.
She doesn't need to have children if her idea of diciplining them is dragging them by one arm, slapping them in a face and terrorizing them.
But I have to say - kudos to you for telling your ex about it - Im sure that had to take guts but I think it is great that you put your daughter first!
post #58 of 110
Honestly I would get the hell out ASAP. Your wife sounds unstable, abusive, out of control, and in complete denial about her mental situation.

You didn't know THIS person when you married her.

Your daughter only has one daddy. And your home should be a place where she does not feel threatened by anyone.
post #59 of 110
Wondering how things are going Dadtastic?
post #60 of 110
I really feel for you - you've been so careful in your choices for your daughter since her birth an thought this was another positive choice marrying your now wife, and it's all turned upside down. I'm not one to advocate divorce or seperation as a first option, but there is a now probably scared little girl who needs her Daddy here. I understand you are not having your daughter at your place for a month just to see if you can work things out, but I urge you not to make this a long term arrangement with you visiting her at your ex's - your DD should feel that your home is her home and she is always welcome there. Even though you dont mean it in this way she may feel that with this arrangement she is in the wrong not being allowed over, and that you have sided with your wife.

I also just wanted to say with regards to the possibilities of you working things out with your wife... The whole AP parenting thing - well it's not just about breast vs.bottle, CIO vs cosleeping or whatever - your choices in parenting are a reflection of who you are and what you value. I treat my DS's respectfully as I feel all people deserve to be treated respectfully. I show compassion to them as well as to people I meet in the street. It's a life philosophy to me. If you and your wife are on such extremely different pages on how to treat children, I dont see how you can be compatible in other areas of your life. For example I couldnt be with my DH if he was rude or abusive with others, whether it be children or adults, because it goes against my values. I dont see how even if your daughter wasnt in the picture you could have a harmonious relationship with someone like this.

I understand she must be dealing with a lot of grief over her infertility, but this goes beyond just losing patience or raising her voice - the way she acted with your daughter was maliscious and intentionally trying to make your daughter feel afraid and vulnerable and powerless.

All the best with your situation, I know it must be heartbreaking to be facing such a horrible situation with someone you fell in love with and so recently vowed to spend your life with.
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