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I REALLY need help with my wife!! - Page 5

post #81 of 110
Thread Starter 

Update

Things have been difficult, very. I can't remember a worse christmas, but I am doing my best. My wife is staying with a friend of hers for now, and no matter what I say to her, she just doesn't understand. I truly believe that she doesn't think anything is wrong. She thinks that I am abandoning her. I just found out that my ex is pregnant, and that is great for my daughter because I never wanted her to be an only child, but my wife is completely distraught. I am so stuck. I read a pm from a woman who really made me wake up and relize what could go wrong, and I knew that I couldn't be complacent, but then we found out about my ex, and my wife is taking it as if my ex did this intentionally to hurt her. I feel her pain, I know how hurt she is about the entire situation, but I don't have the words to fix everything. She wants to see my daughter, but I won't let her, and she is furious at me. I was asked why my ex and I got divorced, and I think a better question would have been, why did we get married... I was lonely and tired of it, so I married my friend. After Katrina, both of us knew how short life could be, and we didn't want to stay married to someone that we didn't love, and weren't romantically compatible with, so we did what we thought was best. I married a woman that I truly do love, but the longer I am with her, the less I feel that she fits appropriately in my family. I know that sounds cruel, but I have a family that needs to be taken care of, and I am so focused on my wife that I think my daughter is suffering. My ex's boyfriend is alright, although I know that they had a casual relationship, and my ex getting pregnant was a huge accident, and I am afraid for my daughter to get too attached to him and have the relationship end in more heartbreak for her. My ex and I talked about it, and she is worried about that too, but I know that he would never hurt her or talk down to her, and I guess that makes me feel like 'the worse' of the two parents, because although she may not be with this man forever, I know that she would not but our girl in a situation like I did. I don't know why I am saying all of this. It is usually so hard for me to talk about how I feel, but right now I have so much going on inside of me and I can't seem to sort it all out.
post #82 of 110
I am so sorry for you. Please make sure that you take care of yourself through all this. Your wife is not going to change. I really think that she is mentally ill. This is just my opinion.

I think that you know what to do in your heart.

Thank God you are keeping your daughter away from your wife. It really frightens me to think what she could do to your daughter. :

Also, I think that it's time for you to STOP worrying about your wife and start worrying about you and your daughter. You can't be a good father to her if you don't take care of your emotional health. Your wife is sick and doesn't sound like she's going to be getting help anytime soon. Please focus your energy on your daughter and your future with your daughter. You will find that your life is much happier once you disengage from your wife's mind games. SHE WILL NOT CHANGE.

I do understand that you love your wife but love isn't enough in this situation. Can you have the marriage annulled? Please get out of this situation ASAP. Protect yourself and your child. This situation is not your fault. You have done nothing wrong and you are not abandoning your wife. SHE IS AN ABUSER. You are not to blame for her actions. She is responsible for herself not you. Saying that your ex got pregnant to spite her is delusional and not normal. Her pain is coming from an unhealthy place and you need to get away from it. Please try to let go of any guilt that you may be feeling. Go back and reread what you've written and try to read it as if a friend had written it. What would you tell your friend?

Don't let this get to the point where your wife is able to wear you down. Please don't make your ex have to protect your daughter from your wife by cutting off your relationship with your daughter. I would do anything to protect my children and I'm willing to bet your ex will as well. Don't put yourself in that position for a woman who is will only bring you hurt and unhappiness.

I am so so sorry.
post #83 of 110
Sounds like you have reached a point where it's clear what you need to do. I would contact a lawyer immediately and see about an annulment or divorce. Good luck; please keep us updated.

The situation with your wife is only going to get worse - all the signs are there, especially her saying she hasn't done anything wrong and turning it around on you that you're "abandoning" her. Get out before you spend years of misery w/her or have a child with her. I'm so sorry the marriage didn't work out - it's not your fault.
post #84 of 110
Dadtastic-
I stumbled apon your thread by accident awhile back and I just can't stop thinking about you and your dd! You sound like you are a truly a wonderful father and your dd is so luckey to have your protection and maturity to put your family first! Be gentel with yourself and remember that it is easy to do the "right" thing in calm waters it is much more difficult to do the right thing in a storm. You are doing what is right for your daughter! I have to say that I agree with pp that your wife is very likely suffering from mental illness and will not change. I must admit though that I am biased as I was abused as a child by an aunt who sonds frighteninly(sp?) like your wife. It started with small things (like pinching, slapping, pushing) and when I would try to get help from another adult she would stand behind them threatening me at some point I stoped tring to get help and the abuse continued to escalate.

Good luck to you and your family in this very difficult time
post #85 of 110
dude, i am *so sorry* about all this for you. i know it can't be easy. and it sounds like letting your feelings out is hard for you, too, but i am glad you are able to get them out somewhere, even if it's online with a bunch of people you don't know

listen: i can't remember the whole thread, so if i'm repeating, please forgive. my suggestions are:
1) get your marriage annulled, while time is still good. go tomorrow, while it's a weekday. pretty soon it will be too late for annulment, and will have to be divorce, which is messy and expensive and much more heart-wrenching.
2) get counseling for your dd and for you. now. maybe together *and* separately. i think it would be very helpful for you to sort this out with a professional. they often have objective (and legal, even) insight that you, or we on MDC, haven't thought of.
3) i agree with pp's that said your wife will only get worse. sad beyond sad, but true. and it is not your fault, and it's not your responsibility. i know you carry a burden of guilt, but that's a feeling, and you can get past that, with help. know what to own and what not to. i had a DH that was severely mentally ill. he was married before me, to someone for 19 years, and she saw bad, but i saw condensed bad. and nobody saw what i saw, because he was a master at manipulating and making people see what he wanted them to see. so everyone thought (and still does, for all i know) that I was the crazy one, and poor pitiful him. it's not the same situation, but i understand mental illness and the ones who think they are just fine thankyouverymuch. they get worse. always.

i really, really hope your situation works out for you and for your dd. you DO sound like a wonderful, caring dad. keep it up, hon. it'll be alright, eventually
post #86 of 110
If your wife truly believes she did nothing wrong, then there's not much you can do. You cannot change her. I think you're gonna have to cut bait.
post #87 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by dadtastic View Post
Things have been difficult, very. I can't remember a worse christmas, but I am doing my best. My wife is staying with a friend of hers for now, and no matter what I say to her, she just doesn't understand. I truly believe that she doesn't think anything is wrong. She thinks that I am abandoning her. I just found out that my ex is pregnant, and that is great for my daughter because I never wanted her to be an only child, but my wife is completely distraught. I am so stuck. I read a pm from a woman who really made me wake up and relize what could go wrong, and I knew that I couldn't be complacent, but then we found out about my ex, and my wife is taking it as if my ex did this intentionally to hurt her. I feel her pain, I know how hurt she is about the entire situation, but I don't have the words to fix everything. She wants to see my daughter, but I won't let her, and she is furious at me. I was asked why my ex and I got divorced, and I think a better question would have been, why did we get married... I was lonely and tired of it, so I married my friend. After Katrina, both of us knew how short life could be, and we didn't want to stay married to someone that we didn't love, and weren't romantically compatible with, so we did what we thought was best. I married a woman that I truly do love, but the longer I am with her, the less I feel that she fits appropriately in my family. I know that sounds cruel, but I have a family that needs to be taken care of, and I am so focused on my wife that I think my daughter is suffering. My ex's boyfriend is alright, although I know that they had a casual relationship, and my ex getting pregnant was a huge accident, and I am afraid for my daughter to get too attached to him and have the relationship end in more heartbreak for her. My ex and I talked about it, and she is worried about that too, but I know that he would never hurt her or talk down to her, and I guess that makes me feel like 'the worse' of the two parents, because although she may not be with this man forever, I know that she would not but our girl in a situation like I did. I don't know why I am saying all of this. It is usually so hard for me to talk about how I feel, but right now I have so much going on inside of me and I can't seem to sort it all out.
: This is a silly question, but have you talked to your daughter about how she feels? 4 year olds should be able to articulate simply what she is feeling. I don't remember if you said you did counseling, but perhaps talking to your wife in front of an impartial 3rd party could be a wake up for her. If she isn't willing to see how serious this is and change, then you all would be better off separate. Easier to say from the outside I am sure.
post #88 of 110

Any updates?

I've been checking in on you, and been wondering what's the latest?

moms222
post #89 of 110
I've been thinking about you and your dd as well.

You are a brave and wonderful father the two of you are in my thoughts!
post #90 of 110
I read many of the responses, not all of them, and I think you've received some excellent advice. From your OP, my perception was that you and your wife have very different parenting philosophies i.e. you and your ex believe in AP & GD whereas new wife has a more traditional outlook (eta: traditional in that it's been common for the past 100 years or so). So, at first I was going to suggest the most important thing is for the two of you to see if you can negotiate these differences in parenting styles. While I happen to think that AP & GD is the 'right' way to parent, I still recognize that it's not just instinctual for everyone--some people need to learn how and why to be gentle.

However, the update where you talked about your wife hurting the children and what she said to them while doing it goes beyond different parenting styles. Some people believe spanking is a legitimate way to discipline children, but hitting accompanied by those words is clearly abusive. PPs may be right about your wife having mental illness and needing therapy. Does that mean you, her husband, should abandon her until she 'gets better'? Personally, I don't think so. I think you should stand by her, at least for a while, and help her to get better as your promised to do in your wedding vows. But I do think that her contact with your child should be strictly limited (perhaps not completely cut off, or else that might cause confusion for her and the kid), until you have figured out whether she can learn to at the very least respect the parenting choices you and your ex have made for your child, and also learn about the boundaries of step-parenting...

I just read that you and your wife have separated for the time being. Wishing you the best of luck sorting all this out.
post #91 of 110
Dadastic. I am glad you are still around as there is alot of great advice to be had by many of the members here.


My advice is on a take it or leave it on this subject. I have a rule for myself.


You can't change anyone but you. Your wife may not see anything wrong with what she is doing, and she may never see anything wrong with it. Even with counseling.


I would look at the situation with that perspective and do what is best for your daughter. There is no more advice on that, that i can give.


Your ex sounds like an extremely awesome person, I am sure there are very valid reasons for the break up but to have been in a relationship with someone who is so on board with working it out outside of the court system is fantastic.


Your wife may not know what is involved when you involve the courts, I would do everything you could to help her understand how involving the courts is not a positive aspect for ANYONE.... but especially your daughter. when the courts are involved then all your daughter will see is her mommy and daddy are fighting over her. And that doesn't help your wife's status in her mind, especially if she sees your wife as the reason it is happening.



It could very well turn into a power struggle between the two of them and then what happens when your wife realizes that she is getting resentment from her step daughter instead of love?..... It is sad.


I would love for my step son's dad to be in the picture more, but we leave it up to him. Your wife really doesn't get how great it is that a broken home can still function the way you are and kudos to that.



Again, you can't change anyone but you.
post #92 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by amyleigh33 View Post
Does that mean you, her husband, should abandon her until she 'gets better'? Personally, I don't think so. I think you should stand by her, at least for a while, and help her to get better as your promised to do in your wedding vows. But I do think that her contact with your child should be strictly limited (perhaps not completely cut off, or else that might cause confusion for her and the kid), until you have figured out whether she can learn to at the very least respect the parenting choices you and your ex have made for your child, and also learn about the boundaries of step-parenting...
And if she were to get pregnant in the meantime? REALLY? Would you really counsel a woman to stay with her husband if she had just seen him abusing his nephew or step-nephew or step-child? Or would you say, "Get out while you can - you're next!" Seriously, ask yourself those questions. You don't have to respond. Just ask yourself if you would be saying those things if we were talking about a male abuser instead of a female abuser.

Many of us have seen this in action in our own lives. These people resist help, promise many things, and ultimately swing back to the same horrible behavior, which is frequently worse in every new iteration (after a period of "rehabilitation"/restitution). It usually starts with the most vulnerable victim - here, the stepdaughter.

I don't think this is a problem to work out, or work through. I think this is an opportunity to see a glimpse into the future, and to save both the stepchild and any possible future children of the father from abusive treatment - not to mention the father/husband (OP) himself.
post #93 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yoshua View Post
Your wife really doesn't get how great it is that a broken home can still function the way you are and kudos to that.
pssst - respectfully, you may not realize that the term "broken home" is considered derogatory, an insult, by many single parents (and re-partnered single parents). It implies that there is something wrong - broken - with our families, instead of the more accurate fact merely that a child's biological parents do not both live in the same house with the child. Please use "single-parented family" (or, when another adult has joined the single-parented family, the term "blended flamily") instead of "broken home" in the future, okay? Thanks!
post #94 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seasons View Post
pssst - respectfully, you may not realize that the term "broken home" is considered derogatory, an insult, by many single parents (and re-partnered single parents). It implies that there is something wrong - broken - with our families, instead of the more accurate fact merely that a child's biological parents do not both live in the same house with the child. Please use "single-parented family" (or, when another adult has joined the single-parented family, the term "blended flamily") instead of "broken home" in the future, okay? Thanks!
I've used broken home my entire life. I grew up in a broken home. But thanks.
post #95 of 110
Thank you for pointing out how negative 'broken home' sounds, Seasons. I hated it when my mom or dad would use that term around my children. It does sound so negative and defective. Our children have enough going on and they don't need the idea that they come from a bad or damaged place, ...now, back on topic.
post #96 of 110
Thread Starter 
my ex just 'informed' me that she is consulting a lawyer about our daughter being kept away from my wife permanantly. she apologized, and then said that I broke my end of the agreement by bringing a 'toxic' person into our daughters life. it just keeps getting worse...
post #97 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by dadtastic View Post
my ex just 'informed' me that she is consulting a lawyer about our daughter being kept away from my wife permanantly. she apologized, and then said that I broke my end of the agreement by bringing a 'toxic' person into our daughters life. it just keeps getting worse...
I'm sorry this is stressful for you and that your life is so difficult right now.

If I were your ex, I would do the same thing if my ex-husband's new partner physically abused and threatened my child, as yours did.

Is this impacting your own access to your child, or just your (estranged?) wife's?

I hope you consider counseling. It has been wonderful for me in my life.
post #98 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by dadtastic View Post
my ex just 'informed' me that she is consulting a lawyer about our daughter being kept away from my wife permanantly. she apologized, and then said that I broke my end of the agreement by bringing a 'toxic' person into our daughters life. it just keeps getting worse...
I am sorry you are going through this. I understand your wifes point of view and I think you do too though.


What is going on with your current wife? If your ex brought someone into your daughters life that was exhibiting these behaviors you would want to protect your daughter from him as well.


I would start thinking about protecting your daughter from your wife as well. That doesn't nessesarily mean cutting either one of them out of your life, but it may definately mean not allowing the two lives to intertwine.


Keep us updated, let us know you are doing alright even though I know this time in your life is rocky.
post #99 of 110
Oh dadtastic I am so sorry that your situation is snowballing. As pp have said I can understand where your ex is coming from and I think you do too. It seems like you have been very quick to respond to the abuse and have taken steps to protect your dd. Are you still able to see your dd while not exposing her to DW?

you and your family are in my thoughts!
post #100 of 110
Sounds like your wife is being assaulted by hormonal hell and emotional trauma to boot. As her husband you need to help her get help. Seriously. but as a father you need to seperate your duty to your wife from your duty to your daughter.

Talk with your ex about being patient. Agree to see your daughter without your wife present so that your daughter's trauma can be minimized. I'm sure your ex will agree that it won't be good for your daughter to have her father ripped away from her too!

In the meantime, attend to the two situations separately

Good luck

s
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