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Is there a reason?

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 
Do you all feel like there is a reason for this struggle? I think there must be but then what is it?

I asked my dh and he said, "maybe it's to make you appreciate what you already have." I wanted to him! Does that mean I don't appreciate what I have?! I thank God and the universe every single day for Noah. I cuddle him and smell him and kiss him so many times a day that I literally do not think it would be possible to do so any more without overdoing it.

So NO, I do NOT think this struggle is to make me appreciate what I already have thank you very much!

But why then?

I guess my biggest wonder/fear/worry is that the purpose for this struggle is because I am really meant to adopt, which I would absolutely love to do. My husband, on the other hand, is not at all ready to adopt and has told me that he views it as a last resort. So maybe the reason for my struggle is to help lead him to open his heart that way? I have no idea.

So this turned out to be mostly a ramble, but I am very interested to hear what you all think about this- is there a reason for our struggle or is it just the way it is, just something that happens for no reason?
post #2 of 12
i think there is a reason, although i'm having trouble figuring it out too. sometimes i feel at peace by thinking about how when i meet our next little baby, i'll just know because without going through what we're going through now, we wouldn't end up with the precious little bundle we were meant to care for. i know as soon as i get pregnant, all this frustration and craziness will suddenly seem like nothing. a lot of the time i still get panicky and really stressed that it'll never happen and that it's taking so long and maybe there's something seriously wrong but i'm still hopeful that something will happen soon.

i also disagree with the 'to make you appreciate what you have' logic. i am as aware and appreciative of the beautiful little girl we have been blessed with as humanly possible. i love taking care of her and our special bond but i ache to provide her with a sibling. i watch her and think what a fantastic big sister she's going to be. same goes for 'to appreciate the next one'

i would also love to adopt someday or be a surrogate to help another couple experience the joy of parenthood, but i don't think dh would want to do either. he'd be ok with just dd although i've convinced him to have at least 4 so far. i don't think that's the reason for us.

now i'm kind of toying with the idea that maybe i need to grow somehow spiritually before i get pregnant again. i have learned so much since my last pregnancy and am still learning more each day. nothing really clicks as *that's it!* though.

so to sum up my ramble....
i do think there's a reason, but i don't really know what it is exactly. or maybe i do, and it's because this is the journey i must take to get my new baby and this will be clear after the fact, but it doesn't make things seem better now
post #3 of 12
After dealing with it for over two years, losing twins, and going through it again, I have come to the conclusion that no, there is not a reason for infertility, but there is reason to be gained from experiencing it.
I really believe infertility is a simple matter of biology. Some can and do reproduce at what seems to be the drop of a hat. It brings than little if any joy and is more of a burden than anything else. Some of us go through what seems like torture to get our little ones into this world. Still others experience parenthood without their own biology, through adoption.
I felt overwhelmed, persecuted, punished and abandoned by God when I first walked the path of infertility. This thing I wanted more than anything else in this world was being denied to me. I didn't deserve it and I didn't want it. I was a mess spiritually and emotionally. Every time I turned around, someone else was having a baby. Of course none of these people were worthy of such a gift, in my opinion. I was increasingly filled with bitterness and anger.
I don't really remember a defining moment, but one day I realized I was missing out on the now of my life. I was waiting for that positive pregnancy test to come and make everything better. I would be happy then, but for now I was miserable, and that was just the way it was going to be. I didn't want to keep going on the way I was and went into therapy. It helped tremendously. When I did become pregnant, the new mindset helped me to get through a very scary first trimester and then a premature birth.
In the end, I've come to view my infertility as a gift. I will never take one day with my daughter for granted. I feel it has made the AP path easier for me. I am not bothered by other's opinions of my parenting or choices, as they have no clue where I'm coming from. Each new experience with Carrie is so special, because we really didn't think it would ever happen. I am also conscience of the fact, this might be it for us. Would I be the way I am without the infertility experience? Maybe, I just don't know.
While I would love to have another child, and I have certainly not given up my dream of having another child thorugh biology or adoption, I'm at peace (most days).
Anyway, that is somewhat where I'm at with the whole infertility having meaning issue. It's the hardest thing I've dealt with in this life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I don't think I would trade my expereince.
post #4 of 12

Your experience with Infertility has been similar to mine with illness. I don't think that there's a clear reason for it, (i've had RSI and fibromyalgia, which means years of chronic pain and fatigue) but I've gotten gifts from it.

I've learned to connect with my body on a different level, to love it and trust it, instead of blaming and attacking it. I've learned that I'm not the totally ambitious creature that I thought I was in high school. I could easily have sacrificed myself on the altar of some career that slid further and further from my ambitions, but still kept me focused on how other people see me. I could have entirely missed out on my spirituality which is very important to me-and which I was very dismissive of before I got ill. I think my body made a sacrifice so I could find out who I really am.

BUT when I first got ill, I didn't believe any of this, and I deeply resented anyone suggesting it. I don't think anyone else can tell you what the gift in your experience is, or that there is one, until you are ready to find it.

I just finished Inconcievable, which is an awesome book about the fertility struggles of 42 year old trying to have her second child. Her lessons were very different from mine, but I drew a lot of strength from reading them, and like me she found them at the end, on her own, not because someone told her to.

So Chrissy, I think you can find your own gifts in this in your own time, and I know you can enjoy Noah, even while missing your other bab(ies).
post #5 of 12
today i was unpacking some boxes (still finishing up a move) and discovered more missplaced maternity clothes. then i get a call from another friend who has just found out she's pregnant. this was all on top of a low morning bbt signaling the impending arrival of af.

at times like this i also wonder about what i am to learn from this. how am i to change. dh also says that similarly dh'y thing about being happy with what we have. i think he may have a point.

i think that wanting to ttc has become an unhealthy obsession for me. similar to what pamela mentioned, i feel as if my life won't move forward until i have have another baby. i remember having a similar obsession about my weight during high-school and college. you know the "if i could lose just 10 lbs i'd be happy" story. then my final year of college i became engrossed with my thesis topic. i had become interested in something like i never had before. at the end of the year, without even realizing it the ten pounds were gone.

ok, i realize that this is a bad and perhaps tasteless analogy (boy would i love to gain 40+ lbs next year!!!). but i think i need to realize that my heart and mind need to be on something more productive than contemplating my chart and cm every five minutes. i think that although i appreciate what i have, i'm not satisfied with it and i maybe i should be happy with my life before i get pregnant again.

i'm going to have to get Inconcievable. it sounds perfect for me right now.

post #6 of 12

I think you will enjoy inconceivable, and it's funny because even though whe stays obessed with having a baby, she learns to value the process of getting there as much as the destination.

Sometimes the lessons are easier to see at the end than during the journey. I know trying to enjoy the rest of my life is not only helpful trying to conceive, but making myself miserable is wasting my life.

BTW I still want that baby NOW! I'm not that much wiser.
post #7 of 12
Thread Starter 
That does sound like a great book. I'll have to read it.

I guess I am a pretty big control freak and that certainly doesn't help things. Plus I just wish someone would tell me what I need to learn or what the point is so I could get to figuring it out, you know?

I wish more than anything that I could put this desire to have another baby aside and just let it happen, but I can't.

Gonnabeamom, I am really struggling with being angry with my body. I am just recently trying to make peace with myself for not being "normal." Thanks for your story.

I felt overwhelmed, persecuted, punished and abandoned by God when I first walked the path of infertility.
Pamela that is how I feel now. I wonder what I did to deserve this. Does it mean that I am not a good mother to Noah? Logically I know that isn't true but still I feel it. I guess I'm still at the beginning of my journey.

Jess, when you talk about feeling panicky that is how I feel about it a lot too. I wanted my kids to be about 2 years apart, then thought 3 sounded okay. Now with every passing day they just get further and further apart. And there is my control issues rearing their ugly heads again.

I don't think I want to learn any lessons right now. I just want a baby!
post #8 of 12
I am a big subscriber to the idea that everything happens for a reason, but the real challenge is finding the reason.

I have had most of the tests. The only one I haven't done is the HSG. And they all came back normal. DH's tests came back normal. Which left us with the idea that there was something not right emotionally. He was going through some tough stuff with his dad, and I was going through some problems adjusting to my life. And we needed to work through these.

I needed to look at some of the issues in my life, and why for some reason I had this feeling that I didn't deserve a baby. Or that when someone else got pregnant, I thought I had to wait cause we couldn't be pregnant at the same time. Or even further, that on some level, I was trying not to be like my mom, who conceived both me and my sis on the first month off the pill. I liked being different growing up. And this is one area where I was very different, my cycles were wacky, often skipping months. Unlike my mom's whose were 28 days without fail. I think I embraced the idea of being different and weird without knowing it. On top of that there was the fact that I thought my mom would be upset if I got pregnant...that she wouldn't be supportive. And even though I have come to terms with my mom and our relationship, and what it lacks, I wanted her to be ready to be grandma. Now she is, and it is an amazing feeling of peace. She and I are still going to argue about everything that I do with the baby, but at least I know she is going to be happy about it. I also realized that I had always thought about getting pregnant in terms of having problems getting pregnant. I never looked at it as though this is what my body should be doing. When I thought about having the baby, I never though about complications, when I thought about breastfeeding, I never thought about problems. But when I thought about getting pregnant, I thought about how hard it was going to be and all the road blocks that there were. And this cycle has been different, I thought about the fact that I CAN get pregnant, and I CAN have a baby, and both will happen. I remind myself that I deserve a baby as much as anyone else.

Hence the Obnoxiously Positive under my member name!!! :LOL

In my case, I think that my not getting pregnant yet had more to do with my mental state than anything else. And if shows this cycle, we will see if I can keep that up!

Much and to all of you!!!
post #9 of 12


I think there is most likely a biological reason but an emotional or spiritual reason? No, I don't believe that. I think it would be nice if that were the case, because then infertility wouldn't be so damn unexplainable and it wouldn't feel like such a loss of control.

It took us three years to concieve our now 11 year old son, we've been unable to concieve since his birth. I feel blessed and lucky to have my one child, I wish with all my heart and soul I had more children.

Women get pregnant during wars, while living with abusers and other times of great stress. They get pregnant even when the pregnancy is completely unwanted. Women get pregnant when their partner and/or parents are totally unsupportive. Women who aren't ready get pregnant everyday. And women who are ready with all their being don't get pregnant.

So, is there a reason? My answer is, obviously, no. Sometimes life is hard and there is nothing we can do about it except decide what we're going to take from that. A decade of infertility has brought me insight, compassion and wisdom I never could have gained otherwise...and I'd trade it all without a second thought for another baby.
post #10 of 12

I think there is a reason...

I have 2 children and 5 miscarriages. All my pregnancies suck! But if I didn't go through them I wouldn't have my precious bundles. I hate ttc and I hate being pg until I deliver. Too much can go wrong. There is 5 years between my children and I didn't think I would get to have another. So we looked at adoption. I believe that we will try again (probably this year, we spent the last 7 mnths of last year ttc with no luck, need a break). If I don't get pg again then I will go find the baby I am meant to have. I will go across the seas to get it. We all have to come to terms with it and this is the way I choose to deal with it. If I hadn't had 5 miscarriages then I woudln't have my Noah either. I can't imagine life without him. I wouldn't wish 5 miscarriages on anyone. If you had told me it would take 5 mcs to get a baby I'd probably have said forget it. Sometimes I am even thankful that I can't predict the future.
post #11 of 12
I wish I could "go across the sea" or anywhere to find another child. But we are unable to adopt. So I guess my acceptance journey, at some point, is going to be about accepting that we won't have anymore children. But that is so hard to listen to your head when you heart is telling you "there are more babies out there for you!"
post #12 of 12
Reason? No, I don't think so. I don't think God punishes people, kills babies, or makes people infertile. it just happens. I can challenge your faith or your optimism, it can strengthen it. But every time someone would say it was "God's will" I mostly just felt bad that that's the kind of God they believed in. Infertility does make you appreciate some things more...but it also makes me have a lot less patience...since my struggles I cannot abide being in the presence of negligent or abusive parents. I walk away, turn off the tv, or refuse to talk with people about parents like that I know. Hearing about people who don't appreciate what they have, to underscore what you're saying, is too hard for me. But I don't think I had these things happen to make me think so.

The idea of being pg again, or even having a newborn, is also less than thrilling for me...I always wish a baby would just show up on the doorstep.
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