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What would you do?

post #1 of 25
Thread Starter 
My stepdaughter is with us roughly 8-10 days a month. At least three or foud of those days, when she comes to our house (usually from school), she's wearing a certain pair of jeans. (Note here, my stepdaughter is not allowed to pick her own clothes at her Mother's house- her Mother makes her wear them.) The jeans are in pretty good condition, and I've seen the rest of her wardrobe- she's not lacking in any clothing. The problem? These particular jeans are a size 6. My stepdaughter is 8 and is already beginning to grow out of a size 8. They are literally skin tight and she can't button or zip them by herself anymore- she needs a parent, or at school, a teacher, to do it for her. My stepdaughter came to our house Friday wearing these jeans (again) and saying they were hurting her stomache (again) and they were literally DIGGING into her stomache and when she took them off, her stomache and around her thighs were covered in red marks. Her Mother has been told at least three times now that these jeans don't fit anymore, by both my Hubby and by my stepdaughter, but her Mother insists that they are fine. (The only reason I can figure out why she keeps putting them on my stepdaughter is because she likes them herself.) The jeans are currently in our house, awaiting to be washed. I am seriously considering "losing" them or something. (Please note here, I've always been anal about sending back every little sock, hair tie, etc, to her Mother, and I have never intentionally "kept" something.) Now, I know this is wrong and immoral, to "lose" those jeans, but does anyone have any better ideas? If I send them back, her Mother will put them on her again. And again. And again. Anyone have any better suggestions? You should have seen my stepdaughter wearing those jeans. I don't know how she could BREATHE in them. I don't know how her Mother could think she was comfortable and looked good in them. My stepdaughter was begging me not to send them back, which is the reason why they didn't get washed before she went back this weekend, but her Mother will probably ask for them on Wednsday or Thursday when we her my stepdaughter again.
post #2 of 25
Does your DH feel the same way about the jeans? If he does, I would have him call DSD's mom and tell her that he noticed that their daughter has out-grown her jeans and that he will be buying her a new pair to replace them and will donate the too-small ones to the Goodwill.

He is their daughter's father and I don't personally think he should have to ask his ex-wife for permission to replace jeans that are too small.

YOU should not get involved. DH needs to be the one to TELL (not ask) biomom that he'll be replacing the jeans.

If DH doesn't agree with your assessment of the jeans, I'm afraid you're just going to have to back off. (That said, if I were you I would VERY STRONGLY encourage DH to buy his daughter new jeans.)
post #3 of 25
Yup. Replace the jeans with a pair that fits. Preferably the same brand and style (or as close as you can get).
post #4 of 25
Thread Starter 
Just out of curiosity, why should I replace the jeans she wears at her Mother's house that her Mother likes that her Mother wants her to wear? We have a hard enough time buying jeans for my stepdaughter for when she's at our house and my stepdaughter has at least 25-30 pairs of jeans (or pants or some kind of legging/skirt deal) at her Mother's house (no exaggeration.)

My Hubby agrees that my stepdaughter should not be wearing those jeans anymore, but he doesn't think we can do anything about it besides repeatedly tell her over and over again that they are too tight and they hurt my stepdaughter. We had a similar situation two years ago, involving a size 10 pair of boots, when my stepdaughter wore at the time a size 13. She kept making her wear them (even when my stepdaughter's feet would blister and bleed- just add bandaids ) until they literally wore out (size 1 feet by then). In all fairness, my stepdaughter's Mother is usually pretty good about making sure her clothes fit, and these are the only times this has happened, but I would like to add that, on several occasions, clothes that my stepdaughter was beginning to outgrow or clothes her Mother simply didn't like (from out house), has "disappeared" or "accidently" got ruined at her Mother's house many times.
post #5 of 25
We had a time with too short skirts coming over with my step-daughter. I'd send them back everytime, but finally I just started collecting them and gave them all back at once to SD's mom saying we think these are way too short, dh thinks they are inappropriate. I got an eyeroll, but they didn't come back

So maybe keep the jeans and when she asks say, "I put them in a pile of too small clothes, would you like them back or should I donate?" Maybe she'll get the hint. If she doesn't then have your DH flat out tell her to send clothes that fit.

edited to say: DSD has a ton of clothes at our house, so we really don't need her mom to send any at all and usually she doesn't.
post #6 of 25
I would lose them for a year or so until there is no hope of the mom getting them on her and then give them back. I don't think you need to replace them since she doesn't actually need any.
post #7 of 25
I would have her dad throw them out. He's her dad he can do that and replace them with a pair that fits.
post #8 of 25
I would "lose" them too, or tell her they got ruined by paint, the dog, whatever. I would also offer to replace them, but I wouldn't run out to do so unless she expressly said so. This has happened where something actually has gotten lost/ruined and I have offered to go out and buy something similar, although dsd's mom didn't take us up on the offer. We both have a lot of clothes for dsd though. I think it is enough to politely offer to replace them if you are going to lose them. I wouldn't send them back if she keeps putting your dsd in pain wearing them! What on earth is that about?!
post #9 of 25
I mentioned replacing them since I think it's the right thing. If I was taking something that was purchased (and apparently loved) by the other parent, I'd replace it. If I couldn't get the exact item in the right size, I'd find something close that I would know was acceptable. Just the manners I was taught, I guess.

My take is sort of like this: My dd has a ton of clothes. A lot of them I really, really like and I spent a lot of time collecting them (I buy on clearance and thrift in order to clothe my kids the way I like). If I mistakenly put my dd in something that was too small and her dad "lost" it or ruined it, I'd be ticked. But I say that knowing I'd never pour my dd into anything just because I really liked that particular item.

I sell or pass along her clothes when she's outgrown them so that's another thing to think about in the "losing" of clothes...
post #10 of 25
We've had similar issues with biomom and those clothes simply "disappear" if they are really a problem. ;-)
post #11 of 25
Why does dad think he can't do anything besides just keep telling mom about the situation?

Fear of starting some kind of "crap" storm with mom?

(My dp has that fear)

Are the jeans expensive jeans? Like $60 jeans that would be hard to replace?

I asked my dp about this and he felt like replacing them would be best if possible just as an attempt to keep things peaceful. Even if it meant replacing pricey jeans with T*rg*t jeans or something.

However, I see why it seems reasonable that you shouldn't have to replace the jeans, but it's not a reasonable situation, ya know?
post #12 of 25
I asked DH what he would do. He said that he would talk to DSD's mom first, but if for some reason she was unreasonable about them, they'd disappear.
post #13 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon View Post
Just out of curiosity, why should I replace the jeans she wears at her Mother's house that her Mother likes that her Mother wants her to wear? We have a hard enough time buying jeans for my stepdaughter for when she's at our house and my stepdaughter has at least 25-30 pairs of jeans (or pants or some kind of legging/skirt deal) at her Mother's house (no exaggeration.)

My Hubby agrees that my stepdaughter should not be wearing those jeans anymore, but he doesn't think we can do anything about it besides repeatedly tell her over and over again that they are too tight and they hurt my stepdaughter. We had a similar situation two years ago, involving a size 10 pair of boots, when my stepdaughter wore at the time a size 13. She kept making her wear them (even when my stepdaughter's feet would blister and bleed- just add bandaids ) until they literally wore out (size 1 feet by then). In all fairness, my stepdaughter's Mother is usually pretty good about making sure her clothes fit, and these are the only times this has happened, but I would like to add that, on several occasions, clothes that my stepdaughter was beginning to outgrow or clothes her Mother simply didn't like (from out house), has "disappeared" or "accidently" got ruined at her Mother's house many times.
I'm not sure exactly what to suggest in response to the jeans, aside from simply not sending them back regardless of whether or not you choose to replace them. However, something about this situation seams really OFF. There has to be more at the root of her behavior than just "liking" those jeans on her daughter. Hello? Cramming a little girls feet into too-small shoes until they bleed??? I couldn't begin to speculate what her intentions might be with this behavior, but her actions go right past neglectful and plow full-steam ahead towards abusive.
post #14 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by phoolove View Post
Why does dad think he can't do anything besides just keep telling mom about the situation?

Fear of starting some kind of "crap" storm with mom?
Yes. She's thrown some pretty big fits in the past, usually conveniently in front of my stepdaughter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by phoolove View Post
Are the jeans expensive jeans? Like $60 jeans that would be hard to replace?
All her clothes (from her Mother's house, anyways) are top of the line, as expensive as you can get. I'm talking $20 for a 3 pack of undies, expensive. But easily replacable for HER.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dancindoula View Post
I'm not sure exactly what to suggest in response to the jeans, aside from simply not sending them back regardless of whether or not you choose to replace them. However, something about this situation seams really OFF. There has to be more at the root of her behavior than just "liking" those jeans on her daughter. Hello? Cramming a little girls feet into too-small shoes until they bleed??? I couldn't begin to speculate what her intentions might be with this behavior, but her actions go right past neglectful and plow full-steam ahead towards abusive.
My stepdaughter's Mother has a "learning disability". Long story short, she has been tested for a very low IQ (thus the alimony) and certain things she just can't see past, like "I like those jeans, it must be her underwear that's making those marks, so I'll get her more underwear, but we'll keep the jeans." It's hard to explain, and I'm not sure what her diagnosis is or even if she has had a technical diagnosis. She really does care about my stepdaughter, her daughter, but some concepts she just can't grasp. This is one of them.
post #15 of 25
I wouldn't "lose" them, tempting though it may be. My stepdaughters' mom has 'lost' enough things from our house, and I've found it really frustrating - I wouldn't want to act the same way, even if for good reasons.

Does she only send dd to your house in the jeans, or does she have her wear them on other days too?

It sounds like your stepdaughter is vocal to you about them not being comfortable. She's 8 years old, so maybe just work on empowering her to pick her own clothes and say no if her mom wants her to wear them. She doesn't have to say "daddy told me I don't have to," she can just say "actually, I think I'll wear these other ones - I really like those but I want to be able to run around at recess/it's kind of embarrassing when I can't do up my own pants at school", or whatever. If she is asking you to not send them back, it sounds like she could use some help figuring out how to voice her feelings to her mom.

My older stepdaughter had a pair like that when she was 5 - they were supertight and had a button she couldn't handle. She was so embarrassed at having to ask a teacher for help in the bathroom but she also loved that "mommy says they make me look like a big girl.." But your stepdaughter's 8, so just encourage her to voice her feelings and leave it at that.
post #16 of 25
If I was in that situation, I would not send the jeans back. If I was asked why I didn't send them back, I would not lie or pretend they were lost (maybe that's just me). I would just say they don't fit anymore.

I had a big shock last weekend when my dsd got her snow boots out of her bag. Seriously, she is 9 years old and they are similar in style to this pair. :
post #17 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by My*Scorpio View Post
I had a big shock last weekend when my dsd got her snow boots out of her bag. Seriously, she is 9 years old and they are similar in style to this pair. :
Those will sure hold up well for playing in the snow. Don't even get me started on my feelings about adult-style clothing on children. I'm sure I'll offend someone.
post #18 of 25
I think you lose them for a month or two. They definitely get put in her bag to go home, and you look and can't find them anywhere at your place.
post #19 of 25
Thread Starter 
Interesting turn of events here. I was thinking along the lines of flapjack's suggestion, but last night, with my stepdaughter here, the jeans, which were left in her "going back to her Mother's house pile" in my stepdaughter's closet mysteriously got permanent marker all over them. No, it wasn't me- my stepdaughter took matters in her own hands. Kinda funny if you ask me. Problem solved.
post #20 of 25
lol I just love your DSD... she is always thinking outside the box and coming up with the neatest solutions to things on her own. She is so bright! You must be very proud of her.
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