Vansihing twin anyone?

[ComaWhite]

What did you do in rememberance?

I feel Like I need to do something, but theres nothing to even bury.

When I found out I was pg with my 3rd, I knew instantly that I had twin girls. My belly grew huge and fast and I felt them move like crazy. I told many people I thought twins and they all told me I was crazy. At about 20 weeks, by belly abrubtly stopped growing and I started to face the thought of being wrong. I spent the next few weeks in panic and confusion, finally deciding to get an ultrasound at 31 weeks to see what was going on. The found one baby, thats it.
I spent the next 12 weeks in mourning for the baby I had "lost" that I had been expecting and preparing for and mentally abusing myself for being so stupid as to believe that I had twins.
Fast-forward to the birth. 2 placentas. 2 amniotic sacks. 2 cords. 1 baby.
I wasnt crazy and I lost my baby.
This has been really difficult and confusing to deal with.
I am kind of a wreck and I keep pushing it all back down because I dont have the time to deal with it right now.

I feel like I need to do something to acknowledge her, mourn her.
I keep looking at my perfect baby and thinking "what would her twin have looked like, been like" "what would having twins be like that I am missing out on right now" "does her sister miss her presence in some way"? I keep looking for the 4th child and shes not there. Its torture. I never even got to meet her, to hold her.

[AngelBee]

I am sorry about the loss of your daughter.

[babygrant]

I'm so sorry.

[Justmee]

C.L.I.M.B. is the orginization for multiple loss (from pregnancy onwards). I hope you can find comfort.

[Nickarolaberry]

I had two vanishing twins. :

One was very early; at around 9 weeks pregnant. Only I and dh knew about it, and only I could relate to it in any meaningful way.

The other was much later, around 17 weeks pregnant. It was dreadful, but again, no one else could really ever relate. I still am the only one who ever thinks or greives about it.

No one thing; I just generally pray for the neshamas (souls) who were so nearly perfect that they only needed a few weeks in my womb to achieve perfection and after that they were ready for Olam HaBa (heaven).

[avent]

I'm not sure if I had one, two or none (looong story) but it affected my DS until we planted 2 rose bushes to represent the (possibly) 2 who had gone. (He was represented by a 3rd rose bush which was already in the planter, one he had loved since he was a baby.) He was only 2 years old at the time but I told him why we planted the bushes and he seemed much more satisfied after that and we all felt better. Our acknowledgment helped him and the rest of our family move forward. Until then it felt like he kept trying to tell us what had happened and I guess he thought we were not dealing with it. HTH.

[lexapurple]

I am sorry about your loss

I am not sure if I had a real vanishing twin or not. I found out that I was pregnant at 6 weeks and thought that I was pregnant with twins and had dreams about twins but there were no signs of twin pregnancy at my first 10 week prenatal apointment there was one heart beat and at 25 week us there was only one baby girl. I still had dreams of twins but made miself forget about two DDs. When my DD was born I had a feeling that there was something missing. When she was couple months old I had a dream there I saw her twin sister who was very sad and feeling forgoten. In the dream I knew that I could not reach and comfort her.
At that time I did not know that vanishing twins were possible and thought it was just in my head. I mourned about her. Couple months latter I learned about vanishing twins and I realized that my feelings could be true.
I planted a garden in my front yard for her. It helped me deal with this loss true or imagend.

[Panthira]

I miscarried a twin, with heavy bleeding and everything, at about 13 weeks. I didn't do anything to mourn, and I never really thought about it much. My son was born mad at the world, and a yr or so ago told me he saw his brother die. I was thinking it was one of his other brothers, until he told me, no it was while he was inside me. I told him then that he'd had a twin who didn't make it, and after some explaining what that meant, he said he felt better. Now I do think about it every now and then, especially on his birthday.

[Kylad]

I'm so sorry.

With my first pregnancy I miscarried my son's twin at about thirteen weeks, I also thought I was pregnant with twins, but doubted myself. When I miscarried the twin I thought I was loosing the entire pregnancy, and I was just relived that I was keeping one (we had been trying to get pregnant for over two years), I have to admit, I've never really grieved over the loss of the twin, except within myself, I never felt like I had the right to grieve for it because after all of it, I still had my son.
I regret it though, some times I see mothers with twins and think that could have been me, or I look at my son and think there should be two toddlers running around. It's a bit confusing there are no clear cut guidelines on how we should feel about a vanishing twin.

[preemiemamarach]

Originally Posted by Kylad

I'm so sorry.

With my first pregnancy I miscarried my son's twin at about thirteen weeks, I also thought I was pregnant with twins, but doubted myself. When I miscarried the twin I thought I was loosing the entire pregnancy, and I was just relived that I was keeping one (we had been trying to get pregnant for over two years), I have to admit, I've never really grieved over the loss of the twin, except within myself, I never felt like I had the right to grieve for it because after all of it, I still had my son.
I regret it though, some times I see mothers with twins and think that could have been me, or I look at my son and think there should be two toddlers running around. It's a bit confusing there are no clear cut guidelines on how we should feel about a vanishing twin.

I also lost my son's twin at around 13 weeks. My surviving son has major medical issues, and I often wonder if he got the 'lite' version of a more serious issue that killed his twin. I also struggle with feeling like I don't have the right to grieve the missing twin. I had a miscarriage in August of this year, and felt very strongly that baby was DS's lost twin. We really only want two children, but I have days where I feel quite strongly that I am *meant* to give birth to twins.

[Mommy StormRaven]

Originally Posted by Kylad

I'm so sorry.

With my first pregnancy I miscarried my son's twin at about thirteen weeks, I also thought I was pregnant with twins, but doubted myself. When I miscarried the twin I thought I was loosing the entire pregnancy, and I was just relived that I was keeping one (we had been trying to get pregnant for over two years), I have to admit, I've never really grieved over the loss of the twin, except within myself, I never felt like I had the right to grieve for it because after all of it, I still had my son.
I regret it though, some times I see mothers with twins and think that could have been me, or I look at my son and think there should be two toddlers running around. It's a bit confusing there are no clear cut guidelines on how we should feel about a vanishing twin.

This is my 12th pregnancy. I've had 8 miscarriages and this PG we had a vanished twin around 10 weeks. No bleeding or anything. The remaining twin is acting as if she wants an early out. And I have to say after 8 losses I dont' knwo what do do for the twin we lost. The fact that I'm still PG with one healthy baby is what I hold onto right now. That could change when she is born, I dont' know. AS I said, for me the fact that I have ONE healthy child after that many losses (the mot recent being less than 6 weeks prior to this conception) is such a blessing that greiving is not a concept that I can really grasp right now. I'm sure it WILL hit me at some point but I do not knwo when.

[pink gal]

We lost our daughter's twin at 12 weeks. We found out it was twins at 8 weeks. Another ultrasound at 12 weeks showed one perfectly developing baby and another empty sac. At the time I chose to focus on the remaining baby and celebrate that she was doing well. For mother's day that year DH gave me a garden statue of two babies playing together and another one of an angel. They are a memorial to our DD's twin and two other babies we lost through miscarriage.

I still, 5 years later, have days where it feels like someone is missing in our family, especially if I've been around twins. I have wondered a lot about when will be the right time to tell DD about her twin. It hasn't felt right yet, but someday I think it will be important for her to hear about.

I have an adult friend whose mother told her at 40 that she had had a twin who died in utero. She felt a tremendous sense of loss, and said that her whole life she had longed for a sister. She felt like having the information about her lost twin really helped her to understand her longing.

[moon.mom]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I had a "vanishing twin" at 8 weeks or so.
I bled- and was fearful.

You are right- it isn't something that is talked about much.
I think because it is *new*
By that I mean- before science/medicine created this way of "proof" for early on- (sonnagrams, etc.) women might have never known.

I like the memorial idea.

I struggle with whether to tell our dd or not.
My husband doesn't think we should.

I fear that if I never tell her- she'll always wonder...
And if I do tell her- will that create "un-necessary" mourning???

I struggle and have basically ignored my feelings about it.

Thanks for sharing your feelings.

I wish you comfort and peace.

moon mom

[Mommy StormRaven]

Originally Posted by moon.mom

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I struggle with whether to tell our dd or not.
My husband doesn't think we should.

I fear that if I never tell her- she'll always wonder...
And if I do tell her- will that create "un-necessary" mourning???

The way we told our DD's I was PG to begin with was to show them the first ultrasound which was done at 5 weeks. We've been thru 8 miscarriages already so they both know about loss. They knew from teh start that there were originally twins. When we had the u/s later that showed only one they were there for it too. They knew and understood.

They also beleive in Spirit babies and now simply see that lost twin as another spirit baby (of which they both are as well - each of them was born after a miscarriage).

We havent' done anythign yet for that twin but with all of our other m/c's we have memorialized them somehow. For the m/c before DD#2 we had a balloon release to say goodbye.

[Hey Mama!]

I believe my second dd was a twin-I lost the other baby about 9-10 weeks along. I knew it was twins, had twin dreams, etc until I passed the clots (baby) and was bleeding, thinking it was going to be a full miscarriage. Imagine my shock when I finally was seen in the ER and there was dd, still going strong. After that episode my twin dreams/feelings stopped. I didn't have time to process or grieve the loss because it seemed that I might lose dd at any time. When she was born her placenta looked like two fused together, and my midwife was not available. The back up one really didn't know my history so she was rather preplexed. I know in my heart that there was twins at first, and the placenta was my physical proof. I didn't think much about it until my best friend had her twins then I started feeling a sense of loss. Though, I'm pretty sure my youngest dd wouldn't be here if both twins had made it so I figure it was meant to be. I don't have any plans at the moment to tell dd about her vanishing twin.

[home4ever]

I always felt like "something was missing' in my life. When I was a kid I imagined the doctors only told my mom about me and snatched my twin away. What an imagination, huh?

I found out I was pregnant with my second child right around the time my uncle, who was a twin, died. I really "felt" like there were twins in there when I was pregnant. Gained weight faster, had dreams, etc...

I only ended up having one. Ironically, he is now 17 and dating a twin.

[Thandiwe]

I had a vanishing twin with my first pregnancy. I lost the twin at 5.5 weeks. For me, I don't think I've ever really fully grieved the loss because it was so early and we were led to believe it was a single pg and I was miscarrying that baby. Well, msc came and went and then we found a heartbeat. Sack collapsed, hcg levels dropped, cramping and bleeding....and yet a baby. Later evaluation of the us's indicate that there was a twin....tubal nonetheless. I think I felt so blessed to still be pg that I didn't let myself think about the twin I lost. And then on the otherhand, I was under the assumption my single baby died, so I spent 2.5 weeks grieving and waiting for a full-blown miscarriage (which never happened), so I think in a way I had already grieved the loss.

I'm very sorry you've gone through this. It is an awful pain to discover the loss of a child.

[ewins24]

I've also lost a twin. My 3rd pg was a twin pg (2 before were m.c's). I found out I was pg with twins at around 6-7 weeks. The Drs wanted to do an ultrasound to see what was going on because my hcg levels were so high. Turns out there were twins and an empty sac. So I was pg with triplets at first. I was never told of the triplets just that I was pg with twins. I found out about the empty sac after getting my medical records and reading them!:
Anyway, I was about 17 weeks along when I lost my DD's twin sister. Her heart just stopped. There was never anything found out as to why I lost her.

We never told our DD about her sister she told us! When she was about 2 and a half my Mom & I were in the kitchen cooking and she came up to us and said "Mommy, where is my sister Christina!" My Mom & I just stood there in shock! I had no idea what to say and we took to long to answer and she ran off to play. Next time she was about 6 and asked us again this time we were prepared. DH & I explained to her that she was a twin and that her twin was in heaven. She told us "I know she protects me all the time and I really like talking to her when she comes to see me!" DD sd that her twin would visit her a lot and they would talk! Now that DD is 15 she says that it hasn't happened for about a yr or so but would welcome the visits again.
I too have a statue for her and so does DD.

[pink gal]

Just wanted to check back in with this thread to see how you are doing Andrea and whether you have decided on a way to memorialize your little one.

Hope you are finding comfort.

[RachelGS]

I had a vanishing twin, also. I think about that baby all the time. My son is three now, and we had one very profound experience when he was about a year old when he talked about her. Nobody ever asks and people seem surprised when I mention that the loss of that baby was and continues to be a very weighty experience for me. I still wonder if I'm meant to have one more baby.

It's a hard, hard thing. I'm so sorry.