Workshop #9 Adolescence - Page 2

[BedHead]

Originally Posted by Cherie2

Would that be every 4 weeks? lol

Yep! I can't believe how her hormones affect her. I've been trying to get her to track her cycles, but it's too much work for her. I got her the book Cycle Savvy by Toni Weschler and we both read it, it's a great book.

[amnesiac]

Originally Posted by Cherie2

it also helps to have lots of food in the fridge and some video games

See, this is an issue for me though. As a kid I got teased because of the "weird" food my mom fed me. Where I live is totally mainstream so the things we usually have in the fridge aren't what most kids around here have in their homes. I did try really hard this weekend though & I think the boys took notice & appreciated it. They had some kids over to watch a movie (which is okay for them because we do have the huge tv & surround sound) and I got stuff for them to have rootbeer floats. Dh made popcorn & they had some pretzels. I guess that it's just that I'm feeling like I have to plan for it rather than having it just be available.

[mama_ani]

Subbing because I'm in my 4th month of parenting a teen and it's been, well, um, interesting!!

[UUMom]

We're good.

[Jezzy]

I have two teens 15, and 13. They are challenging to say the least. Since my dd 13 got her first period 3 months ago she has become VERY b!tchy and pretty much stuck up. My ds 15 is easier. They are both pretty lazy and will walk by me when I am holding my lo (10 mo) and doing some chore, vaccuming, putting away dishes. They don't offer to help like I wish they would. I wouldn't put them to work for hours just a little help kwim?

This is NOT the way I raised them, they would help out a stranger in a heartbeat just not me

They are good kids though. They have never been in any real trouble. Just lazy

[mandib50]

i have a 15 1/2 year old dd ( and a son that just turned 12. they are both wonderful kids! my dd is compassionate, kind, considerate, and helpful. she is passionate about music and is so supportive of her younger siblings. my 12 year old son is also very much the same (except passionate about tae kwon do and tends to pick on the kids from time to time ).

i make a point of listening to them (when i was a kid, my parents did not listen to me at all), spending time with them, supporting them and encouraging them in their interests and just allowing them to be themselves. i don't know what i'm doing right but i love my kids and couldn't be happier with who they are becoming :

[moominmamma]

Mandib50, had to post out of appreciation for the similarities in our families. I have an almost-15yo dd, a newly-12yo ds, a 10yo dd and a 5yo dd.

We're also unschoolers, and my eldest is also passionate about music. And she's a wonderful kid, full of quirks but full of talents too. She's about to head off to Burma, Thailand and Northern Lao for two months trekking with [adult] friends. A "rite of passage" type travel adventure opportunity that arose as a result of mentoring relationships she established in the community in pursuing her music.

Miranda

[AngelBee]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

My biggest complaint about these years is about society at large that dreads teens and treats them as delinquents waiting to happen.

While I do not have any teens of my own (yet), I work with teens daily (mostly girls.)

I LOVE teens. And they love me.

I think the main reason is because I do not assume they are horrible.

I think of them as capable, intelligent, and eager to work hard and excel. I RARELY have issues with gossip or rudeness.....and I am dealing with 36 of them at a time We respect eachother as sisters. As a result they are extremely honest and respectful. And so am I.

[mandib50]

Originally Posted by moominmamma

Mandib50, had to post out of appreciation for the similarities in our families. I have an almost-15yo dd, a newly-12yo ds, a 10yo dd and a 5yo dd.

We're also unschoolers, and my eldest is also passionate about music. And she's a wonderful kid, full of quirks but full of talents too. She's about to head off to Burma, Thailand and Northern Lao for two months trekking with [adult] friends. A "rite of passage" type travel adventure opportunity that arose as a result of mentoring relationships she established in the community in pursuing her music.

Miranda

wow ... very similar! that sounds likes a wonderful opportunity for your dd. it really is great to see how our children grow and become themselves :

[MarineWife]

Subbing

I have a 17yo ds who will be 18 in March. He seems to have 2 personalities. On the one hand, he can be very sweet and very thoughtful. When he's in the mood he cook special treats for everyone and he put a lot of thought into a Christmas present for me and was so excited that he blabbed about it. On the other hand, he can be very disrespectful and nasty when he doesn't get his way. He portrays an outward attitude of not caring about anyone but himself. An example would be that he's friends with people who I suspect engage in illegal activity. My dh is career military and we have come to the point that we are concerned that ds' behavior could affect dh's career. When I try to talk to ds about it, he says that's too bad for dh.

We started out kind of AP long before I ever knew what that was but veered off course for a while as he got older. We got back to it when he was around 12 or 13. I've been trying to fix our relationship. Sometimes I think it's working and sometimes I get very discouraged. It's difficult when the opinions and advice I get from almost everyone else is to be very harsh and tough and punish, punish, punish. That's just not something that works for us.

Anyway, not sure where I'm going with all of that. Just sort of rambling now.

:

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by MarineWife

It's difficult when the opinions and advice I get from almost everyone else is to be very harsh and tough and punish, punish, punish. That's just not something that works for us.

I know! When we were in the throws of it with dd a couple of years ago and I was desperate for help and advice that was all I got (until I found MDC of course)

[MarineWife]

I forgot to add that I do love teens, though, especially the older ones. My ds and his friends hang at our house all the time now. One of them pretty much lives with us. I love it. There's always something happening. They are fun and interesting to talk to.

My dh has a hard time with it. I'm not sure why. He says he wants to have his house to himself but the kids are usually either in ds' room or outside so I don't see how they are in dh's way. I think it's just that my dh is stuck in that mindset that all teens are trouble and he won't open his heart to the joy.

[BedHead]

My dh has a hard time with the whole concept of trusting our teens. He is VERY authoritarian. But since the kids aren't biologically his, he defers to me to make decisions about them. Thankfully. He also has very little to do with disciplining them - I might as well still be a single mom in that respect. but I don't mind - it's much easier for me to just do it all than fight with him about things all the time! He's willing to take my direction and not complain about it for the most part, so it works for us.

And I SO hear you about the PUNISH attitude. People figure that by not grounding my kids for ten years and taking away all their privileges and confining them to their rooms that I'm just being lazy and permissive, and that I'll be sorry. It can be frustrating for me, but I have a WAY better relationship with my kids than most other parents of teens I know, and none of mine are into drinking, drugs, promiscuity, running away from home etc.

[MarineWife]

My dh is not the bio dad of my teen, either, so he defers to me a lot. The problem for me is that dh then pretty much withdraws and is grumpy all the time. He's missing all the fun he could be having with ds and his friends. Dh does come around eventually. He was very upset at first about ds' friend living with us. 6 months later he says it's weird when friend isn't here. He got really angry at friend's girlfriend's mom for basically calling friend a bum and forbidding her dd from seeing him. He even put a present under the tree from friend to me.

As far as the punishing, I think that's part of the reason I have the difficulties I have with my teen. I was very authoritarian and punished a lot when he was younger. I followed all the "experts" advice. I truly believe that if I had followed my heart instead, things would be so much better between. I can see how they have improved since I let all that stuff go.

[Oriole]

I worry that those who struggle with their teenagers won't feel comfortable coming in here to talk about it.

So I just wanted to jump in and confess that we had a very tough stage with dsd and I think we are starting to come out of it just now. It's a slow journey of one step forward - two steps back, but it is noticeable. I don't know if one should blame parenting, the age, or societal expectations for what we were going through, but admittedly, DSD went through the time where she:

* rolled her eyes, slammed doors, was failing three classes, wore VERY dark clothes and make up, seemed VERY ungrateful for big and little things that were done for her.

There is still a hint of that going on, but at the same time she is taking two honors classes and is a straight A student. This holiday season she put together a bag of clothes to donate, and most of her dark-rebellious stuff was in that bag. With the money she got from Christmas she picked out quite cheerful, urban style clothing, and her make up seemed to have lightened up over the past few weeks. I received many many thanks for the gifts I have picked out for her, she must have said "Oriole, thank you!" about 30 times yesterday.


Things I hope will change for her overtime:

* She still swears a lot more than I'd hope she would (not with us, usually, more so with her friends), and I really think she'll grow out of it.
* She puts friends before family more often than she should. For instance, she got gifts for many of her friends, but didn't get anything for her little brother and sister on her mom's side, she simply helped us out to get presents for them, but did nothing on her own.
* Sometimes (not always) she gets very cranky when she doesn't get a ride.
* She resorts to saying hurtful things to her father when she gets upset, and that's NOT the way for a child, a teen or an adult to be, it's never been modeled for her in this house, she didn't behave that way when she was younger no matter how upset she got, and as much as I hate this phrase, but she certainly "knows better than that".

So I would never dismiss the difficulties that come with the territory. I think every stage of life presents its own benefits and difficulties, and I think parents struggle with teenagehood this much because every parenting mistake we made in earlier years (and who hasn't made mistakes? ) comes to haunt you tenfold in this particular time when our kids begin to get out into the world on their own: no more play dates with parents there, there is driving, jobs, friends you don't know, etc. On top of everything, the whole idea of "letting go" is extremely difficult for some parents (boy, did my own mom struggle with that one!), so I think that adds to the "teenage dread" as everyone is trying to find boundaries "is it okay for them to be having sex at 15? Is it okay for them to be out late with a phone? How about without? How about with a friend you don't like? Is it really still parents' decision to make, or is it the time to let go?

So there... I just wanted to admit to what we struggled with, and to give reassurance to those who still struggle, that they are not alone in this journey, I've been there, done that and still come to MDC for advice in the times of crisis specific to this age.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Oriole

So I just wanted to jump in and confess that we had a very tough stage with dsd and I think we are starting to come out of it just now. It's a slow journey of one step forward - two steps back, but it is noticeable.

After reading this I had to see if you had your dsd's age on here. I notice from your sig that she's 15. We went through the same struggles with my ds when he was 13-15. That was, by far, the hardest age/stage for us. By the time he was 15 he started to come out of it but would regress often. Now that he's 17, almost 18, he is becoming much more mature and is much more pleasant to be around, more appreciative of the things we do for him. We still have our issues and difficulties but they seem less rather than more now, if that makes sense.

I don't come here for advice with him much anymore because I've gotten to a place where I've accepted that I can't force him to do anything. He has to decide to do things himself. I can give him my love and support and opinions and advice (when he asks) but, ultimately, he has to make the decisions. It took me a long time and a lot of crying to get here but I'm ok with it all now (most of the time). My dh is not there yet but he hasn't had even half the time with ds that I've had.

[MarineWife]

This thread seems to have died. What are we supposed to discuss? What can we do to get it going again?

[Oriole]

I am curious to see how do you see your parenting of your teens is reflective on how you were parented during this age.

:

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Oriole

I am curious to see how do you see your parenting of your teens is reflective on how you were parented during this age.

:

Well, I was parented by two sets of parents so it gets a bit confusing for me. My mother was very inattentive and unaware/oblivious. She didn't provide any guidance or support or affection or anything. I felt very much that she didn't care about me. My dad, otoh, was much more strict to the put that I was a bit scared of him and thought he was a little mean and very intolerant. So, I try to find a happy medium between those two. I'll have to come back to this cuz my 4yo is having a meltdown and I can't think.

[amnesiac]

I was pretty much left to my devices by one parent's household but under overly strict restrictions by the other. I think that the way I parent my adolescents is just more in tune with their needs at the moment, not what I think they should need as teens. Does that even make any sense??