What do I do?!

[Annalisa84]

My oldest daughter was always very bonded with her father, who passed away in July after a long struggle with illness. She has taken her father's death particularly hard. Whenever we drive past the hospital he spent his last days in, she asks if we can go inside and she can "cuddle with daddy while he's sleeping". (when he passed away, she was allowed to be in the bed with him, and lay with him while he died) She's gotten a lot better over the past few months, but a recent conversation culminated wherein I referred to my current partner as "daddy" when talking about her new siblings. After I referred to Rhy Rhy, as we call him, as Daddy:

L: No, mummy, daddy is in heaven, he went night night and then the angels took him to heaven.
Me: Yes, that's right, but Rhy Rhy is going to be the babies daddy and they will call him daddy.
L: Rhy Rhy is going to heaven? The angels are going to take Rhy Rhy? I don't want them to take Rhy Rhy!
Me: No, no, Libby. "daddy" doesn't mean that he's going to die. Not all daddies die.
L: THEY CAN'T CALL HIM DADDY! THEY HAVE TO CALL HIM RHY RHY OR THE ANGELS WILL TAKE HIM AWAY! THEY CAN'T CALL HIM DADDY! THEY CAN'T TAKE HIM AWAY! I HATE THEM IF THEY TAKE HIM AWAY!

Ugh. What can I do with this? I employed distraction and she's quietly looking at a book (with Rhy Rhy ), but I don't know how I can get around saying the "D" word, especially because Rhys is so proud to be a new "you-know-what". Help?

[Liquesce]

Is she in grief counseling? If not I would consider it, and honestly until that was well-established -- and perhaps beyond -- I'd stop referring to your partner as a "daddy" (father, dad if that works, papa, maybe, but not her name for her own father -- I know you and your partner may have your own emotional ties to "daddy" as a title, but I think I'd have to try to understand that for your late spouse's children it is not a title so much as a proper name).

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

: I think another word for daddy is in order until she can come to terms with the name. Am I right that her dad has only been gone 5 months? That is a very short amount of time to a child it probably feels like yesterday to her. I am not surprised she is associating the name and death.

How old is she by the way?

[meemee]

i notice from ur siggie ur dd is a little over 3 1/2. now this is a time when kids are naturally interested in death and struggling to figure out death for themselves. one of their greatest fear is of their own loved one been taken away.

i too second using another name for 'daddy'. maybe papa? or even dada. talk to rhys about it. i am sure he will understand. it seems like she associates 'daddy' with death.

i think its just awesome that ur dd got to experience her daddy's death in that fashion. it is amazing how resilient children can be.

i would also say take your dd into the hospital if she wants to go in. let her experience the pain of knowing he is no longer there. also is there anything you do to support that even though he is gone - he is not gone from her heart. talking about him, maybe going to his gravesite, doing little rituals so that daddy for her is still alive in her?

my dd lost both her grandparents earlier this year. she was holding their hand while they passed and she was active in taking care of them. little things still trigger her and reduces her to tears. i share my tears with her too and we cry together. she knows she is open to talking anytime she wants.

[babygrant]

I'm so sorry, that must be so hard. I agree with the PP that at around your little ones age, kids become really curious about death. I have a couple of books about death that I got fo rmy kids that really helped out. one is "When Dinasours Die" and the other is "Lifetimes". Both explain death in an easy to understand way. We are unsure of our religion (well DH is an athiest, I am unsure what I believe) so both books are not religous.