Should I UC?

[poiyt]

Ok that thread title is a little wrong. I WANT to..it has always been my plan, since my first birth, to eventually do a child unassisted at home. My DH is so not on board with this at this time, for this pregnancy (11wks along) - so he wanted to do a transitional birth..lol..where we had a homebirth but had care with a midwife.

I should say that I intended to do my own prenatal care eventually as well.

DH thought this would be a good warm up for him, and that he could see better what want on, what to do, and that I could really do it.

The problem is - I HATE my midwife. She is the only one in town that is availble for my birth month, however. So its her, a dr (HELL NO) or doing an unassisted birth. DH isnt comfortable with that, and I dont know how to go about telling midwife that "hey, we dont want you anymore" kind of thing.

We just dont mesh well. On my second visit, we discussed whether I would get another ultrasound. She pressured me into the first and I caved. I said no, and she said "well if you go past your due date you have a 50% chance of fetal demise, so we have to know what your due date is" I guess I just thought a midwife would not be so medical about everything - but it seems she is the exact same as a dr. I just get to have a homebirth.

What should I do? Is it too late to have a UC/UP this time around? How do I fre the midwife? How do I prepare DH?

I really want this birth to be a positive experience unlike the last one..

[mbmomof3]

Have you tried telling your dh how you feel about the midwife? I personally don't think you should have to have anyone at your birth that you don't want there, and it doesn't sound like you will have the birth you want if that midwife is there? Especially if she is pressuring you to have interventions that you don't want. I haven't heard of the 50% demise statistic that she quoted, I would be curious to know where she found that figure. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this while you are pregnant. I wish I had more advice regarding your husband, but it seems like maybe he doesn't understand how important this is to you? Did he mention why he isn't supportive of your hopes to uc? Maybe start from there. Mine thought at first that birth "belonged in a hospital" but I was able to find facts to show otherwise.

[Sheryl1678]

I don't think it is ever too late to fire your midwife but you may still owe $$ based on your contract.

Do what you can to educate your dh on the actual facts surrounding UC in the time you have left. Trust your instincts because a bad fit is not going to give you a better birth - it will just allay some fears temporarily.

[poiyt]

good thing is, I am in Canada so there is no cost for my midwife.

Do any of you know DH friendly sites, or UC stories written from the husbands perspective. He has read stories from the woman's perspective, but he thinks women view birth differently (and they do). I think it might sway him more so to get things from another man...lol

[LorenaAZ]

How about giving him a copy of Dick-Read's "Childbirth Without Fear"? It's written by a male Dr and is very inspirational.

[Beakybird]

Here is a website written by and devoted to fathers...http://www.unassistedhomebirth.com/fathers/

My husband was a little uneasy at first as well. Most people are not on board because it is not something that is discussed in our society anymore.
Anyway, once I explained to him how I felt about the midwives and other things then he was on board and loves learning about it with me now.

[rixafreeze]

She doesn't exactly sound like the best home birth midwife out there. You have a few options:

Option #1 is to continue seeing her for backup/shadow care in case you do want some assistance at some point during either pregnancy, birth, or immediate postpartum. Plan and prepare for an unassisted birth but keep seeing her (and don't tell her of your plans--just keep mum, let her advice roll off of you, and keep going your merry way); that way you aren't faced with the choice between a UC or the ER if something arises that is outside your comfort zone. And, as I understand it, midwives in BC have hospital privileges so if you needed hospital care at some point, you'd at least have someone you knew.

Option #2 is to release her from your care and do it all yourself. This has certain advantages as well as disadvantages, and only you can decide if it's the best way to go.

Option #3 is to find an independent midwife (who cannot call themselves midwives, but rather "birth attendants" or something else like that). They do exist in certain areas of BC--people such as Gloria Lemay--but you'd have to pay out of pocket for their care. Still, it can be worth it if you find the right one.

About due dates and ultrasound: the most reliable that ultrasound can be is early in the 1st trimester, and even so it is only accurate to +/- 5 days, while 3rd trimester estimates are +/- 22 days (or a 44-day window of possibility). Is there a huge question about when you might have got pregnant? If you know your LMP, your conception date, your ovulation date, and/or your typical cycle length, that is really all you need to have a reasonably good idea of exactly how far along you are.

There is a small increase in stillbirths after 40 weeks, but it is certainly not a 50% chance of death. I'd ask her for accurate statistics on stillbirth rates from 37-43 weeks.

[makeshiftmommy]

I'm having a similar experience right now. My DH keeps going back and forth between wanting to UC and wanting a midwife present. I am also in Canada, so I decided not to fire my midwife when I decided to UC. Dh feels better knowing that should we honestly feel the need to call the MW, we can.

It's tricky when you don't even LIKE your MW...I can relate to that! I did not like mine at first either. (And even now, I think she's okay.)

We don't have to pay for midwifery care! I think that's my point...money isn't an issue so why not just keep your appointments short and sweet, know that you have little intention of actually calling her when the time comes, but DH might feel better than you are still getting prenatal care and the option to call her is still there.

:

[dayiscoming2006]

I think you should give your husband more info on UC/UP as you seem to be planning. I also would tell your husband how you feel about the midwife. I think you should give birth in the way you feel best and do your best to get your husband's support.

[accountclosed3]

i don't know if it's specifically uc friendly, but my husband wrote a blog post about our birth. it's called "the vigil" and you might have to scroll down to it or click it in the 'greatest hits' section.

[poiyt]

Thanks for all the great tips ladies - and the links. They truly are helpful. Given that I do plan to either UC this one or future children, I have a question: should I expect to get pm from other mdc members telling my I shouldnt UC or my child will die type thing? Since posting my question here, I have gotten them - and Im wondering if thats the norm...?

[dayiscoming2006]

Originally Posted by poiyt

Thanks for all the great tips ladies - and the links. They truly are helpful. Given that I do plan to either UC this one or future children, I have a question: should I expect to get pm from other mdc members telling my I shouldnt UC or my child will die type thing? Since posting my question here, I have gotten them - and Im wondering if thats the norm...?

I would report anyone sending those types of PMs. I didn't get any of those when I asked questions here, but I never asked this specific question before.
It's not right for people to be judgmental in relation to something they don't understand and I am thinking it is against MDC policy to send those types of PM's.

[paphia]

It's totally against the UA to send that type of pm. And no, I never got a pm like that the entire time I was pg and posting for support on the UC forum. Just report them to the mods and let them deal with it. This forum attracts lurkers who feel strongly against uc, but they know they can't post negative stuff in he forum so I guess they are trying to harass you privately. Just make sure to keep your personal information off of your mdc account if you have any concerns.

[TzippityDoulah]

how would your husband feel about having a very well educated doula with lot sof experience be with you at our UC?

I had a friend ask me to do this. it was great. I didn't interfere or interject in any way except to ask if she needed anything or if DH needed anything. if they didn't i let them run the show. it wasn't on my terms at all b/c i knew she could handle making all the decisions just fine and she did. the ended up birthing in the wya they wanted, when they wanted, how they wanted and where they wanted. they asked for some help with encouragement, holding baby while she pushed out placenta, looking over the placenta, and i did the dishes for them.

they liked knowing that I had lots of experience and knew CPR if they needed it, but they knew they likely wouldn't. and i have enough experience to know that I don't need to do anything to help them and i trusted them completely that if they needed me they'd ask. I was also very open to being asked to leave and completely fine with it. they felt secure with this arrangement, and it worked fine for me.
(a less experienced doula may feel the need to be useful, and perhaps panic if something came up unexpected... or perhaps been put off may not want a hands on doula. if not (like my friend) you'd need to find a doula/birth professional or birth experienced friend who was secure enough about birth to not try to run the show for you. personally I'm UCing so... my philosophies on birth closely matched theirs.)

[TzippityDoulah]

Originally Posted by dayiscoming2006

I would report anyone sending those types of PMs. I didn't get any of those when I asked questions here, but I never asked this specific question before.
It's not right for people to be judgmental in relation to something they don't understand and I am thinking it is against MDC policy to send those types of PM's.

YIKES! I would alert the mods on that one. that's no okay at all.

-Laura