Help me be a lactivist and keep my friends

[EBeth0000]

So, I have book club tonight which I love. I wish I could be a better "lactivist" there but I don't know how!!! Can you help me? Scenario: I am one of 2 moms with kids a couple of months apart, everyone else: young women who aren't having children yet, pretty mainstream but smart and open to ideas (from our convos regarding the books).

I had some sort of sad experiences right after I became a new mom with DS with them. I went to a meeting at a restaraunt and BF DS inside his sling, and everyone acted like I had the plague, you know, no eye contact, etc. Then the other mom pulled out a bottle of water and a little formula measurer/tupperware thingie to make bottle for her baby and everyone ooooohed and aaaahed over "how cool!" "That is so convenient!" etc.

I was like, hello? Just using my boob here, that's convenient, no? Did you all notice the total lack of measuring/scooping/gear I brought? I didn't say anything because I felt like I didn't want to make the other mom "feel bad" about FF. At the same time, I really wanted to say something about how I felt positively about BF in front of all those women.

Then, flash forward to when I am "still" BF 12 month old DS and we are meeting at the other mom's house. DS is at home with DH. She puts her DD in a high chair, gives her a bottle, and then pulls some lever on the chair that lets it recline, so the baby is sitting there holding her own bottle while reclining. . .again, everyone is like, "that is SOOOOOoooo cool" and "wow, what a neat idea" etc. etc. The mom is like, "yes, it's great because I don't have to sit there and hold the bottle and I can load the dishwasher and cook, etc." I was a guest in her home and not about to say anything but OMFG--are you kidding me?!

Okay, so I don't mind if this mom feels that way--and I actually don't feel that her FF threatens my parenting choices. I do, however, wish I could be a better lactivist and say positive, affirming things about BF when around my friends in a way that doesn't make it seem like I am specifically judging this mom. I feel sad that these potential mommies-to-be only can see the "convenience" and "ease" of formula feeding but I can't somehow share all the joys and benefits I've experienced through breastfeeding without seeming like I am "judging" this other woman. I am about to have another baby so I am thinking about it again as I go to meet with them tonight, wondering what most of them would say/think if they knew I BF DS well into my 3rd trimester of pregnancy, still co-sleeping etc Maybe I am too "in the closet" but I don't know how to "come out" and not make my friends think I am a lecturing, self-righteous beeatch.

[rainashine]

I totally here ya but don't have any advice. My mom was a lll leader so I had great support but not one of my friends where I live now bfed for more than a couple weeks. There are some older moms who did but no one my age.

[Cuau]

A similar thing happened to me. When I started BF no one of my friends had kids. I very clearly remember the first time I went with my babe. I sat in the couch and started nursing. Everyone left the room in a matter of secons. I felt so bad.

Later a few friends had their own kids, and now everyone in the group is cool about BF. Not only they stay in the room, but they can look at you in the eye while talking. Is neat.

I didn't do a lot of talking about it, I just did it regardless. That in itself is being a lactivist. Their time will come and maybe the fact that you are actually exposing them to BF will make them think. I know it is kind of tricky having your other friend FF. Can you say how cheap it is to BF (well I know some women do buy stuff like boppys and bottles and what not, but how about saving in actual formula) or if you ever talk about going green, then you can definitely talk about how BF is so green.

You definitely do not need to talk, the fact that you are BF in front of them is enough!!

[isfa]

"I was like, hello? Just using my boob here, that's convenient, no? Did you all notice the total lack of measuring/scooping/gear I brought? I didn't say anything because I felt like I didn't want to make the other mom "feel bad" about FF."

I think if you are expecting recognition or even praise for your choices, you are not going to get it. Really, almost anything you say that is perceived as "my choice is better" (even if it is) could potentially hurt your friendship. Lead by example.

[GardenStream]

Originally Posted by Cuau

I didn't do a lot of talking about it, I just did it regardless. That in itself is being a lactivist. Their time will come and maybe the fact that you are actually exposing them to BF will make them think. I know it is kind of tricky having your other friend FF. Can you say how cheap it is to BF (well I know some women do buy stuff like boppys and bottles and what not, but how about saving in actual formula) or if you ever talk about going green, then you can definitely talk about how BF is so green.

You definitely do not need to talk, the fact that you are BF in front of them is enough!!

This is so true. When their time comes to decide what they're going to do, they will remember you. I think a lot of times the "in your face" technique backfires. A confident woman who isn't embarrassed to bf in public is making a statement without saying anything.

[meganmarie]

Agree with others that you are a lactivist in a way for just going ahead and doing your thing - extended nursing, tandem nursing, NIP - for other folks to observe the normalcy - without ever needing to "speak up" about it. And certainly, it is inappropriate to make statements that contrast bf with ff when you are in that kind of social context someone who is formula feeding - unless there is some real specific question that is asked directly to you. There is a reason you've been hesitant to say something, and I think your instincts are right.

I personally think the opportunity for lactivism comes in 1 on 1 situations when you encounter someone else who is pregnant, or a new mom, and is considering whether to bf or struggling to bf. Then you can be a resource for support and advice in a positive way with an individual who is really in a position to choose.

[rivkah]

I agree with the replies above. I'd just do what you feel comfortable doing. You may just come off as being aggressive if you force yourself to speak up. People say silly things all the time, "Like oh how convenient" when they probably don't give it another thought. Seriously, before you have a baby, you have no idea what it is really like. I'd say just keep on being cool with your choices, and you are sending a message.

[Dandy]

Maybe they didn't want to make YOU uncomfortable by watching you breastfeed? I have always been pro-breastfeeding, in theory, but it took some practice before I was really comfortable around other bfing moms (prior to having kids).

I'll echo "the fact that you are breastfeeding is enough." You're giving your friends practice with breastfeeding

[Mama2Rio]

here is a moment i had with a neighbor.... her lo is 2.5 months older than my dd. i bf, she formula. i was at her house and both babies were hungry at the same time. i start feeding dd and she says, "do you just whip them out every time she needs to eat?" i was thinking weird... my reply "yeah, it's easy. i mean what am i supose to do, that's how she eats" we have very different lifestyles. then she asked, "even in public?" i told her "well, it's the easiest thing, besides it's not like i can't be descret" she is still waiting on her bottlle warming up and her baby is crying out of hunger. i just have some really interesting moments with this woman. but hey, she was feeding her LO table food at 3.5 months and she seems so impaciant for me to start dd on solids, i told her "she'll start some time before college" and she stopped asking after that!

[kriket]

subbing.
OP I think your situation is all too common. I've known BFing and FFing moms and the FF moms always seem to have a bottle and can of formula out on the table. Or even asking people "can you fill this with water? can you hand me that scoop?" So everyone knows whats going on. The BFing moms shy away to the far corner and leave leaving one asking "where did so-and-so go?"

So I think the other mamas may have a point, just being there may be enough.

Even though I too feel like ripping off BFing mamas nursing covers and flopping their boob on the table and yelling "Ladies, THIS is how it's done"

[ameliabedelia]

I think that the fact that you are nursing in front of them is more than enough lactivism.

Your childless friends aren't really thinking about babies or feeding them at this time in their life. Of course, they are "wowed" by the gadgets of formula feeding....I mean gadgets are impressive, and fun to see...that is why people buy them, yk.

However, when those friends do get pregnant, they will indoubtably start thinking a lot more seriously about breastfeeding vs. formula and no doubt they will hear/read about the importance of breastfeeding and decide to "try" it (initiation rates are very high, especially among those who are more "educated") At that point, they will start thinking things like " I remember Elizabeth who used to just come to book club and nurse her baby in that sling-thing. Maybe breastfeeding isn't going to tie me down at home after all" and then later on they will remember "I remember Elizabeth breastfeeding her baby, even though he had teeth", etc.

Seeing other mothers breastfeeding comfortable and normally is the most effective lactivism there is.

[Turkish Kate]

The simple answer, to echo what has already been said: Be the change you want to see.

[Carlyle]

I agree with what everyone else said. And wanted to add that if one of these friends does get pregnant while you are still with the group, you have an "in" and you can initiate a one-on-one conversation (or even an email) with her saying "hey, I know you're pregnant and this is a really personal decision, but I just wanted to let you know that if you ever have any questions or concerns about breastfeeding, I'd love to be of any help that I can. Breastfeeding has been such an easy, wonderful thing for our family."

[tammyswanson]

ITA with you and the OP's here. FF is not convenient at all. It's expensive, time cosuming and very IN convenient with washing bottles, sterilizing, going to the store to buy it etc. I think that FF makes it harder to parent because like the one OP said, the baby is hungry, screaming and crying, and you have to fix the formula. Not a good situation. I think that just 'whipping it out' is much easier.

Also, my DS has not gotten sick yet, last year I got 2 really bad colds, and this year I got another cold. I'm getting over it as I type. DS got the sniffles for like a minute and he is just fine. My one friend who is using formula now said her son is sick with a cold. I bet if she kept bf'ing he wouldn't have gotten sick.

Having a sick child isn't convenient or 'cool' either. Since they aren't parents, they really don't have a reference point to what is cool. If they think all those new fangled gadgets are cool, they should watch re-runs of "The Jetsons"!

I wouldn't worry about it. You don't need their validation, you are doing great!

[Sillygoose]

Just wait until your 2 year old's tantrum ends in 3 seconds flat upon being offered the breast, and she's still trying to calm and reconnect with hers 5 minutes later...

I agree with the above opinions. You're just getting on with it and doing it; there's no telling what impact that will have down the road, but it can only be good. Keep it up, and enjoy the convenience!

[spughy]

I agree that simply setting an example is the best thing to do, but, if people are talking about some formula-feeding gadget already, I don't think it's out of line or pushy to ask simple questions like "So, how much do those things cost?" or "When you're done with those, are they recycleable?" or "How much space does that take up in the dishwasher?"

And also, I don't think it's inappropriate, in a group of friends, to call them on it if they move away or act uncomfortable when you're bf'ing. Be very gentle, but when they do it, just say "There's no need to move/look away for my comfort, I am perfectly happy nursing in front of you." Sometimes people tell themselves that they're doing it for the comfort of the nursing mom, to avoid acknowledging to themselves that it makes them uncomfortable. You don't need to take it any further, but prompting them to acknowledge to themselves that it's their issue and not yours can start them thinking, and sometimes with deeply imbedded cultural things that's the very first step.