Meeting your childs new step-parent.. UPDATE #26... We met!!!!

[magnificentmama]

I'm cross posting this just so I get both views from both sides.....

DD's dad is getting married and ex is finally 'allowing' us to meet. They've been together for 3 years off and on and he hasn't let me meet her yet. Obviously DD knows her and really seems to like her so i'm very optimistic about this. Since they recently got engaged, she asked to meet me and i guess since she inquired about meeting me- it's a go.

I'm so scared, and i'm so sad that I have to meet her, but I really want to make this a really nice meeting, but I still want to be able to ask her honest questions. Deep down I'm so afraid i'm going to cry infront of her. Ex and I have carried on a friends with benefits arrangement for the past several years (even prior to them starting to date), she's aware, but i'm still very much in the grieving process unfortuantely. I really didn't think he'd get married and I didn't think our arrangment would ever end.

What questions would you ask? What questions are just an absolute no? Obviously I know it's not going to be a grill the new step mom session and I don't want it to be, but i want to make us both as comfortable as possible but still being able to be open and honest with each other.

[Oriole]

I would let go of expectations, and hope for the best. I think you are in a difficult situation because you are still emotionally involved.

You have the best thing going for you - the child likes her, and that says something.

Just remember one thing - she is probably just as worried and nervous about meeting you. *more hugs* It will be okay. Don't bombard her with questions, I think going slow would be better.

[chaoticzenmom]

I don't know why meeting her has to be on his terms. If you're not ready, just say so. You can do these things on your own terms. He's had plenty of time to get used to the idea, so give yourself as much time as you need.


Lisa

[magnificentmama]

I really do want to go slow, but on the other hand, i'm afraid that this will be our only chance to meet. KWIM?

Obviously I want to meet her just to get a "feel" for her. She has a 1 year old child from a previous relationship (DD's dad and her were on one year, off the year she had the baby, and obviously on this year) too so I'm hoping that at least we're both under the same understanding that this is just only about DD and we all need to work together to make this as smooth of a transition as possible.

Would it be appropriate to have a continuous relationship with her? Or is meeting the future step mom a one time thing? Obviously I don't want to be her BFF by any means, but I would really like to stay civil and have that open line of communication.

[magnificentmama]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

I don't know why meeting her has to be on his terms. If you're not ready, just say so. You can do these things on your own terms. He's had plenty of time to get used to the idea, so give yourself as much time as you need.


Lisa

Oh no, i've wanted to meet her since 2005 when they first started dating. he just wouldn't allow us to meet in fear of me telling her about or continued sexual relationship. LOL finding out about that kind of kills the trust factor.

[chaoticzenmom]

I don't think I have to ask why you got divorced. I think I'd keep my distance from her. You don't want to hear about the problems in their marraige. If you get too friendly, you might be getting teary calls from her about how to handle his "issues." If you wanted him, I'm sure you could have him. You don't.

As for becoming comfortable meeting her, just be yourself and be your daughter's mother. Don't wear your best outfit, wear something comfortable. You want to be comfortable in your own skin and be "real." Try not to think of it as your ex's new future wife. You've already got something in common...children! Maybe if you concentrate on her as a mother to her son, you can feel more comfortable with her.

What will be the setting for the meeting? Maybe you can make sure it's a meeting with a definite starting and ending time in a neutral place.

Good luck.

[magnificentmama]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

If you wanted him, I'm sure you could have him. You don't.

We were never married. We were 16 and 17 when we had DD. It just really didn't work between us. No dissolution, just growing up and growing apart unfortunately. And no, I couldn't have him back- he doesn't feel that way for me anymore. Our relationship has been purely physical unfortunately.

What will be the setting for the meeting? Maybe you can make sure it's a meeting with a definite starting and ending time in a neutral place.
Good luck.

I really don't know, all i know is that ex wants to come as well. I really don't want him to be there. It's going to be awkward enough as it is, just adding him to the mix makes it even more nerve wracking. I don't think i could be myself and really make a good first impression if he was there. I'd be so worried that he'd make fun of me behind my back.

[jjawm]

From what you've mentioned about your ex keeping you from meeting with you, I can see how having him there might make you more ackward, but it will probably make her more comfortable. I wonder if there's a way you could sort of wander off together to chit chat as moms.

You mentioned in your other thread that you want to know how she'll parent your dd, how she'll treat her. I think that's something that you'll just have to find out as time goes on, and it might change and develop as she becomes more involved in your dd's life. You can definately get an idea of her parenting style, though. You could even bring up something your dd did that made you upset, and see how she responds. If she says she would have spanked her daughter over that, you'll definately want to talk with your ex!

I've totally posted in your other thread, and I'm sorry - I'll keep my comments here where I belong

[magnificentmama]

Thank you for all the responses. i really do appreciate them.

I guess i'm just worried about how DD is going to get treated b/c she is mine... and how her son is going to be treated b/c he'll be there all the time. I know obviously she can't answer that because she's not in that situation, but from what he says- she wants ex to treat her child just as her own. Dicipline, etc. But he has a very hard time with letting her dicipline DD. Just really weird stuff like that. I don't know what's appropriate and I don't know what the norm is because I really never thought this would happen.

I just don't know, i'm so scared and so sad and just... i feel like such a failure. I didn't want this to happen. I don't want DD to have a step mom. I hate change so much. I think deep down i'm so scared that DD is going to like her more than she likes me. Which is so irrational and not true, but it's just what i'm so scared of. It's like I want them to get along, but not that well. That's so horrible to say

I'm going to try to be as nice as possible, i really am, but i'm having such a hard time with this.

[flapjack]

My guess is that she already has an inkling that the two of you have shared more than parenting duties over the last few years because your ex has been acting so suspiciously. Just be nice, normal, not a psychopath and don't boil any bunnies in front of her. You'll be fine. I don't see the point in asking any questions at this point- just play it by ear, y'know?

Oh, and I know it goes without saying, but there will be someone special out there for you too Happy ever after isn't just in fairy tales.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

I have to be honest, if DSD's mom had been peppering me with parenting questions at the time I met her, I would have had no clue how to answer them. However, I met DSD, DSD's mom and DH's mom all in one weekend. I don't know what he was thinking.

I would stay away from giving her a pop quiz and just chat. Ask about neutral things. What does she do for a living? Are they planning a wedding? How do the kids seem to get along? I think that it is more important to get a feel for her than to drill her with questions. The more friendly and approachable you are to her, the more you'll probably interact with her.

I mean this in the gentlest way possible, but try not to cry in front of her. If you really think that this is a possibility, I would hold off on the meeting. When DH told DSD's mom that we thought that we might be having a baby the first time (DH is not good about waiting on things like that), she started crying. I wasn't even there but it weirded me out and made me suspicious of her motives for a good year. Everything that she did I saw through the lense of a woman wanting her ex back and trying to sabotage our new family. So try to keep your feelings for your ex in check. I don't think that she ever knew this about me, but who knows how this woman could respond to those feelings.

Good luck. Also, remember that no matter what, she will never, ever replace you. Never, ever. You are the mom. Stepmom is a completely different thing in a child's mind.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot

I have to be honest, if DSD's mom had been peppering me with parenting questions at the time I met her, I would have had no clue how to answer them. However, I met DSD, DSD's mom and DH's mom all in one weekend. I don't know what he was thinking.

I would stay away from giving her a pop quiz and just chat. Ask about neutral things. What does she do for a living? Are they planning a wedding? How do the kids seem to get along? I think that it is more important to get a feel for her than to drill her with questions. The more friendly and approachable you are to her, the more you'll probably interact with her.

I mean this in the gentlest way possible, but try not to cry in front of her. If you really think that this is a possibility, I would hold off on the meeting. When DH told DSD's mom that we thought that we might be having a baby the first time (DH is not good about waiting on things like that), she started crying. I wasn't even there but it weirded me out and made me suspicious of her motives for a good year. Everything that she did I saw through the lense of a woman wanting her ex back and trying to sabotage our new family. So try to keep your feelings for your ex in check. I don't think that she ever knew this about me, but who knows how this woman could respond to those feelings.

Good luck. Also, remember that no matter what, she will never, ever replace you. Never, ever. You are the mom. Stepmom is a completely different thing in a child's mind.

I agree with everything Pink said. *nods* Definitely keep the convo relaxed and open... I would stay away from asking any parenting questions on a first meeting, because it would definitely get her guard up I think and make things awkward. If you are warm and open it could really help with building a relationship in the future between the two of you.

I think it is healthy for the children that you have some form of communication for the future... not just a one time meeting. Perhaps exchange email addresses? That way if she does turn out to send you any uncomfortable questions or something, it's easier to ignore an email than a phone conversation. Or if she sends anything crazy you have it documented. I'm definitely a fan of paper trails.

I know the first time I was meeting DSD's Mom I was sooo anxious... the butterflies in my stomach were awful! And she wouldn't even look at me, didn't really acknowledge my prescence for months actually... If she would have been more open, it likely would have helped how I feel about her now... for the most part we are amicable... but it's hard to shake off the coldness of the first few months.

Good Luck to you!

[jjawm]

There is no way that your dd will love her stepmom like she loves you. Never. She may like her as a friend, even love her. But no one can ever, ever take your place.

If you have any concerns about the discipline, talk to your ex if you're able to, and he can deal with it on his end. I'm a firm believer in leaving the parents to discuss most things. Otherwise it can get really uncomfortable. I can only imagine what it would be like to have to entrust your daughter to someone you don't know. She's a mama, though, so hopefully she'll treat your daughter with love and respect.

[mammastar2]

I agree with keeping it to broad chit-chat rather than having it be like an interview. Asking how the kids get along sounds fine, "what is your discipline philosophy?" isn't.

If you're worried about letting your emotions show, I'd suggest meeting somewhere neutral and public, but not too busy. Say a busy but not crazy coffee shop where you can sit down - if you know there are people around going about their daily life who will nonetheless notice if you flip out, it may both normalize it and keep you in check a bit. A half hour should be more than adequate.

[magnificentmama]

Originally Posted by mammastar2

I agree with keeping it to broad chit-chat rather than having it be like an interview. Asking how the kids get along sounds fine, "what is your discipline philosophy?" isn't.

Really? Why can't I ask that stuff? Obviously i'm sooo not going to grill her but I really want to know stuff like- is she planning on driving my DD around to places? (I have a weird thing with people driving my kid around- i hate that ex drives her around LOL) What kind of role does she plan on having in DD's life- are we talking like limited to his parenting days or is she planning on coming to DD parent teacher conferences KWIM? How are they planning on blending 4 families together? (obviously she's not going to know specifics, but on the other hand shouldn't she have some concerns and would be willing to voice them?) I just basically want to know if they're both ready for that commitment. If she wants to be involved in DD's life- that's fine and I"m more than willing to eventually accept her. But i'm so worried that in the back of my mind, she's going to disappear again. To see DD go through all that hurt again. I feel like I really got stuck answering these really tough questions about it. Ex never explained to her what happened, so i got to deal with it and i'm still very resentful that I had to explain to my 4 year old why daddys relationship didn't work out KWIM?

I guess ex is expecting this to be like a one time, clear the air, get on with it, and leave us alone type of meeting. Obviously I'm not going to try to be her best friend, but on the other hand- I think he wants a one meeting only type of deal. No exchanging of numbers, no future communication- nothing. I want some questions answered. I'm afraid if i keep it light and simple- i won't get the answers i'm looking for. Then again he warned me on the phone a few days ago to not go into this expecting to be satisfied. He's already told me that no matter what, no matter how well we get along- i'll never be satisfied with what she says. Is that true? Am I expecting too much? Gah! I've never done this before and i just don't know what to expect.

Our lunch is on for Tuesday. I told him how uncomfortable it is going to be if he shows up, given our twisted history. He agreed, but then in the back of my mind- I know that Tuesday is his day off and he obviously scheduled the meeting. He said that he needed to know a time frame so that she can tell the sitter for her child how late she's going to be. I said an hour. that seems adequate right?

[thismama]

Yeah you probably will not ever be satisfied with what she says.

And as for driving your DD around, um yeah she probably will at some point. You have to let that kind of thing be! It's gonna sound outrageous to do some big quizzing about future plans, they are probably figuring out their family as they go and she is not gonna have all the answers.

OTOH your ex has no business telling you two that you cannot ever communicate again. Would be great if you could both tell him to stuff it on that one.

[mammastar2]

Originally Posted by magnificentmama

Really? Why can't I ask that stuff? Obviously i'm sooo not going to grill her but I really want to know stuff like- is she planning on driving my DD around to places? (I have a weird thing with people driving my kid around- i hate that ex drives her around LOL) What kind of role does she plan on having in DD's life- are we talking like limited to his parenting days or is she planning on coming to DD parent teacher conferences KWIM? How are they planning on blending 4 families together? (obviously she's not going to know specifics, but on the other hand shouldn't she have some concerns and would be willing to voice them?) I just basically want to know if they're both ready for that commitment. If she wants to be involved in DD's life- that's fine and I"m more than willing to eventually accept her. But i'm so worried that in the back of my mind, she's going to disappear again. To see DD go through all that hurt again. I feel like I really got stuck answering these really tough questions about it. Ex never explained to her what happened, so i got to deal with it and i'm still very resentful that I had to explain to my 4 year old why daddys relationship didn't work out KWIM?

I guess ex is expecting this to be like a one time, clear the air, get on with it, and leave us alone type of meeting. Obviously I'm not going to try to be her best friend, but on the other hand- I think he wants a one meeting only type of deal. No exchanging of numbers, no future communication- nothing. I want some questions answered. I'm afraid if i keep it light and simple- i won't get the answers i'm looking for. Then again he warned me on the phone a few days ago to not go into this expecting to be satisfied. He's already told me that no matter what, no matter how well we get along- i'll never be satisfied with what she says. Is that true? Am I expecting too much? Gah! I've never done this before and i just don't know what to expect.

Our lunch is on for Tuesday. I told him how uncomfortable it is going to be if he shows up, given our twisted history. He agreed, but then in the back of my mind- I know that Tuesday is his day off and he obviously scheduled the meeting. He said that he needed to know a time frame so that she can tell the sitter for her child how late she's going to be. I said an hour. that seems adequate right?

Well, I agree with you that a 'one-time-clear-the-air' thing is not realistic. The fact is that as things currently stand you're all going to be involved in your daughter's life for a long time, so having an ongoing low-key ability to communicate is valuable. It won't be instantaneous, but it's good to work on starting it.

So far as the types of questions you're thinking of asking, the problem is that they're all 'interview' style questions, as though you have a job to offer her. But the fact is, she's there. If she answered the questions wrong, you couldn't say "get lost, you're not hired as my daughter's step-mom," and if she got them right, you couldn't hire her. And they run the risk of making her feel like you are out to hire or fire her...which isn't a great start. If she's planning on being there for the long run, you have a while to get a feel for these things without giving her the third degree. I'd say just try to keep it light and non-threatening this round, and don't pay too much attention to your ex's characterization of this as a one-time, then no more communcation ever event. I'm presuming he doesn't own either of you!

[Laggie]

These are issues you should be discussing with your ex, not the future stepmom. It's HIS child and it's his responsibility to figure out the stepmom's role and how they will handle discipline, transportation, etc. Ideally, that will happen with your input...

I do think it's totally within reason for you to express the fact that you are worried about people coming in an out of your daughter's life.. although questioning whether she is committed, when marriage is on the agenda, might come off badly. I also think that giving her your number/email address is fine.

Is she still unaware of the FWB relationship? Are you tempted to tell her?

I know there isn't really time now, but I'd suggest reading some books on blending families. Mom's House, Dad's House and Ex Etiquette for Parents are both pretty good... but really I think all the books are about the same and will give you a basis for how to approach this new family setup.

This Article might help, in the meantime.

[magnificentmama]

Originally Posted by Laggie

Is she still unaware of the FWB relationship? Are you tempted to tell her?

She's already aware. She knows about it however, i don't think he was honest about the time frame and the ending of it. We had sex this month. He said that she confronted him about it in September and it hasn't been brought up since. Obviously she has no idea about our most recent... arrangement.

And do i want to? Heck yeah. I want to know what a giant moron she is for getting involed with a guy who is still sleeping with the mother of his child. I want her to know that he's very sneaky. I want her to know that he lies to her all the time, i want her to know that when she calls- i'm right there next to him and she has no idea. I want her to know that she is getting into a mess that can turn jerry spingerish in a second.

Will I? Abbbssooluuteellyyy not. I don't want to touch that mess. It's over from my viewpoint. As much as I really liked our arrangements, i've already got a very guilty conscious of still allowing this to happen (even though i had no idea about her) I know that in her eyes, it's all my fault, and the only one who is going to be negatively affected is DD and thats the last thing I ever want to do. So i'll just keep my dirty secret to myself. She'll figure it out in her own time- and if she doesn't, that's even better!

However at our meeting- i do plan on clearing the air. I plan on apologizing for continuing the relationship and i"m going to ask her to please just give me some time. It's like our whole lives were turned upside down in a week. To me, this came totally out of left field. I'm ready and willing to have her in DD's life, but just to please give me some time to really come to terms with everything and accept her as my childs step mom.

Although, I just learned last night that shes in school to be a nurse. I seriously wanted to reach through the phone and strangle ex. I'm a freaking nurse! Just a total slap in the face that he'd pick another nurse to be with. Seems really silly, but could you pick someone NOT like me? *sigh* at least it's a bonding point. Like i said, not trying to be friends with her, just want to find some civil common ground to establish a civil relationship

[bronxmom]

I think the issues you need to deal with are not with your ex's fiancee but with your ex. For the sake of your daughter, I think you need to immediately establish a co-parenting only/non-sexual/non-emotionally involved relationship with him. I know it's easier said than done but otherwise it seems like you're setting up a lot of emotional drama between adults that will inevitably create real fallout for your daughter. If your ex was with you while with his fiancee this recently, then this relationship may or may not work out. I wouldn't grill her about her committment to the relationship or parenting issues. All you can really focus on and control is trying to create a secure relationship of your daughter to you and her dad. I'd keep the convo with the fiancee light and focused on how much you want to be able to work together for the best interest of the children and how that's your number 1 priority.