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Meeting your childs new step-parent.. UPDATE #26... We met!!!! - Page 2

post #21 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by magnificentmama View Post
She's already aware. She knows about it however, i don't think he was honest about the time frame and the ending of it. We had sex this month. He said that she confronted him about it in September and it hasn't been brought up since. Obviously she has no idea about our most recent... arrangement.
Well, no wonder he doesn't want the two of you talking. He probably thinks that he can convince you to still be on the side while he is engaged to her.
post #22 of 33
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
Well, no wonder he doesn't want the two of you talking. He probably thinks that he can convince you to still be on the side while he is engaged to her.
Oh it's over. I'm done. I can't believe he did that to me. I"m not just some one night stand, i'm the mother of his child and he didn't even have the decency to tell me "ohhh btw, were back together soooo the sex has to stop" Noopppee. He wanted to see how long he could have his cake and eat it too.

thank you so much for your advice, i really am going to change my approach and just really apologize to her, clear the air regarding ex and I, and really emphasize that i really want to be able to just get along for the sake of DD.
post #23 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by bronxmom View Post
I think the issues you need to deal with are not with your ex's fiancee but with your ex. For the sake of your daughter, I think you need to immediately establish a co-parenting only/non-sexual/non-emotionally involved relationship with him. I know it's easier said than done but otherwise it seems like you're setting up a lot of emotional drama between adults that will inevitably create real fallout for your daughter. If your ex was with you while with his fiancee this recently, then this relationship may or may not work out. I wouldn't grill her about her committment to the relationship or parenting issues. All you can really focus on and control is trying to create a secure relationship of your daughter to you and her dad. I'd keep the convo with the fiancee light and focused on how much you want to be able to work together for the best interest of the children and how that's your number 1 priority.
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post #24 of 33
Thread Starter 

Today's the big day!

I'm so nervous. Were supposed to meet for lunch in 3.5 hours. I almost backed out last night. I told ex, and then I changed my mind. He asked why and I told him that I know i'll regret it if I don't meet her.

Then last night at 10, ex calls me just freaking out. He's so afraid i'm going to tell her about the cheating. He doesn't trust me. I'm arrogant and selfish. I ruined his whole life, why would I stop now. He's was crying and angry and it was just horrible. Ex and I have so many unresolved issues, and here I am trying to meet his future wife and establish a good relationsihp. He doesn't understand why I want to meet her. He said that my trust for him at picking a future spouse should be good enough and I shouldn't ever have to meet her. But I don't just want to be a normal 'step' family. I want this to work out. I want us to get along. I want her to be involved, because DD wants her involved. I just want to clear the air, extend the olive branch, and start off on a good foot.

I just don't know what to do anymore except... :Puke
post #25 of 33
If he's been upfront with her and told her about the cheating, then he shouldn't be worried. Of course, I don't think he was as candid as he led you to believe. To me, this situation is all kinds of broken.

As a step mom, who wanted to meet the mom for a long time (she declined the opportunities) be gentle. How I would have said I parent vs. how I help with the parenting in reality is vastly different, because as situations presented themselves, I adapted accordingly.

Good luck, I don't envy you.

Oh, and just remember, we're not all out to replace moms Think of it as extra love for your child
post #26 of 33
Oh wow hun. You seem like a real sweetie, so I really hope you don't mind me being perfectly honest with you - you've been very descriptive and told the situation in a fair amount of detail and it seems very crystal clear what's happening here.

This situation, and the way he is acting is RIDICULOUS! He actually expects to have a wife, who will act as a stepmother to your child with him, and have you never be in touch with her? That's utterly nuts! Totally nuts. Whenever we enter into relationships with people who already have children, I believe, at the very least, it's our responsibility as adults to get along with the third parent in the situation. No matter what you think, this new lady is going to have a hand in raising your child - you very much deserve to have a relationship of some kind with her. I mean, what if she needs to call you for the sake of your DD? He cannot possibly expect that she'll never be talking to you - it's just impossible!

Now as for his relationship with her - you have every right to feel worried. I would feel terribly worried if I were in your shoes, and he's marrying someone he's clearly just lying to. Either she's going to turn into a passive partner, allowing her husband to sleep with whomever he chooses (terribly emotionally damaging to say the least), or she's going to eventually see the light and throw him out on his hiney. Those are the two most likely scenarios in my eyes - I've been on the woman-end of both and I've done both.

You do sound like a lovely lady - you really do deserve better than this from a man. He is behaving awfully. Here is my opinion (from experience - only mine, mind): He doesn't want you to meet without him there because if he's not there, he can't monitor the conversation between you. He's been lying and lying to his girlfriend about you, and he doesn't want anything getting out - he's worried she'd going to ask you questions he doesn't want you answering. It's nothing to do with her being comfortable - that I guarantee you - it's to shut her up, and shut you up. He has to think this is the only meeting because he has not been honest with her, and he knows that at some point, were you to continue the relationship, she'd find out.

He's likely marrying her because she found out about his cheating, and he wants to keep her around by making the "ultimate commitment" which really isn't the ultimate commitment because I reckon he'll probably try to keep sleeping with you as well. He's making a mockery of marriage.

You deserve better than this - you also deserve better than to keep going with him - you deserve a man who is faithful - someone without another girlfriend and someone who's going to treat you well and underline your self esteem, not destroy it.

Anyhow there we go - I rarely sugar-coat anything! By all means meet her but I would be ever so cautious about this new relationship for him - I'd expect a lot of drama around the corner... Now, today, I'd just be polite and be aware that this is the beginning of what could be a very interesting relationship with her.

And please, don't have him stay with you again - you're worth so much more than that. There we go - that's my two cents *HUGS* to you. XXX
post #27 of 33
Thread Starter 

This might be long... I apologize

Let me first just say that we met, I was so nervous. I wanted to turn around and go home, but i'm SOOOOO glad I met her. She is absolutely wonderful : I truly believe that ex doesn't deserve to be engaged to such a great girl. We talked and talked for hours. What was supposed to be an hour lunch turned into 3 hours.

Here's my catch 22. I love her. I really do. I think she'll be an awesome step mama, but i'm so flipping mad at my ex. He. lied. about. everything!!!!

We started off with the introductions and we really eased in with her going to school and whatnot. Then I just had to apologize and say that i'm so sorry that this is just taking me such a hard time to get over, but i'm so glad she's in DDs life and DD really really loves her. I said that i'm having such a hard time becasue between ex and I, there never has really been a clear cut boundary between just DD's mom and dad. We've always had weird strings attached. And she stopped me and goes "you know that's okay, we were on a break that summer, he told me it was a one time deal and you were going to reconsile and it didn't work out- and I forgave him"

Beep Beep Beep... back up the crazy train... ONE NIGHT STAND? Excuse me?

After that i just decided I can't fricken lie to the step mom of my child and asked her to please tell me what he told her because our stories weren't making sense at all. She said she'd tell me only if i go first. Smart girl.

I told her what I knew, and her story was COMPLETELY different. She said that he went to his brother and said that she just had a weird feeling about me and him but she couldn't really make sense of anything because we hated each other so much. He told her that when she was pregnant LAST summer, while they were on a 'break', me and him had a one night stand. THAT is what my ex admitted to. (when i later confronted him he said that yes that's all he admitted, this was his prooblem, and I need to butt out of it)

I finally confessed and told her. I told her this just WASN"T a one night stand. This had been going on the entire time they were dating. She wanted to know when it ended, and I told her September. (i just couldn't tell her about a few weeks ago. I felt so bad ) Then she said "ok, it happened in the past, it happened before we got engaged because we got engaged in September"

UHHHH... WTF?!?!?! He told me that this "just" happened!!!! That they "just" got engaged. He told me last night that in the grand sceme of getting engaged, this "just" happened to him.

So now i'm just completely just... confused. I got my answers about DD's step mama. But now I just absolutely hate my ex. I hate him for lying to us. I hate him for using me. And the kicker is that he doesn't feel the need to apologize for ANY of this except to her. Which, BTW he hasn't done. She told me that he deflects it, says he doesn't want to talk about it, and changes the subject. He feels like he owes me no explanation and no apology. I can't force him to care.

This is just a big freaking mess. I want him to tell her. I need him to tell her. I feel so guilty and like i'm a giant whore for keeping all this fromt her. She doesn't deserve to be cheated on. She doesn't deserve to be lied to. He doesn't see this as any of my business, but he dragged me into it. I just don't even know what to do. This ISN"T going to be a functional blended family. He's keeping secrets from her and involving me in the process.

I just don't know what to do. I know it's none of my business and I know that these are their issues that they need to resolve, but at the same time I feel like totally dragged into this. I dont' know what to do. I just want to take my DD and leave this mess. She doesn't deserve this crap and she doesnt know about anything now, but it doesn't take her long to catch on. He's totally backed out of agreeing to let us move. He's done nothing but call me names and tell me how much i'm ruining his life. He just has no personal responsibility for any of this and I know I can't force him to do anything, but at the same time- SOMETHING needs to happen. I can't live like this. I feel like a giant piece of trash.

ETA: He just called me a second ago, just yelling, screaming at the top of his lungs. Told me to stop worrying about it. This is his problem. I'm making it my problem. I need to leave him alone or he's going to kill himself. This will never stop and I'm just jealous that he's not getting married to me and I have to make his life miserable and take everything away from him because I can't have him. Great. Just great.
post #28 of 33
Ok, I'm going to apologise in advance for the tone of my reply......

WTF! You seriously expect him to apologise to you and to be calm throughout all this? Putting his behaviour to one side for a moment what did you hope to achieve by telling his fiance about the two of you sleeping together? He is in a new relationship now and that relationship has nothing to do with you. Your role is to make sure that his new wife plays a positive role in your childs life - you have NO role in their relationship.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but you really need to step away and let your Ex and partner sort out their relationship on their own without interference from you.
post #29 of 33
I disagree with the PP, I think it would be kinda awesome if you and she stood in unity. Take away his power, kwim?
post #30 of 33
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
I disagree with the PP, I think it would be kinda awesome if you and she stood in unity. Take away his power, kwim?
I wish but i have no intention of meeting her again. I'm cutting all ties. I'm not talking to him, i just can't do this anymore. She's going to be an awesome step mama. He's made it absolutely clear that we are to never meet ever again.

sjlparis- you're right, it is their problem. It's not mine. I just felt totally dragged into it because he lied to me for so long, but you're right- i shouldn't have done it. I should have been a bigger person. I'm not. I'm so hurt and I let my emotions get out of control.
post #31 of 33
I don't think you could have helped telling her. Honestly I WISH someone had told me about my ex cheating on me. I tell you - I felt like such an enormous idiot when I found out (after YEARS) what the full extent of his problem was.

Then again, perhaps some people prefer to live in the dark. That's alright as well - whatever - but either way, you're gonna get someone saying "I wish I'd been told" or "I wish I'd never been told" - you'll get the flack either way, so I really don't think it matters whether or not you told her.

He's in deep do do now though isn't he. Then again I don't feel even the slightest bit sorry for him. HE should have been a bigger person. What a liar.

What you may have done (even without her ever being in contact with you again) is set in motion a chain of events that will enable her to cut this man out of her life before the situation becomes so badly tangled up that divorce and custody lawyers have to get involved. Nobody ever likes the messenger, but it's not as though you're a thoughtless gossip, spreading rumors here. This is a nasty situation anyway - not saying a darn thing isn't going to make it any better, is it? She obviously wanted to know anyhow - good for her.

Sounds like the two of you have done the best thing possible in this situation - hey - at least two people out of three are having an honest, two way conversation.

Hopefully he'll stop threatening to kill himself and whatnot, and start acting like a grown up father to your child instead of blubbing and lying and covering up and then frantically trying to climb out when the heat gets too hot. Bah humbug - his behavior just really does suck. I have no patience for cheaters at all....

End of rant
post #32 of 33
All I am going to say about this is that it is your business to some extent when your daughter is tied into this mess. It is a HUGE mess at that. Now, this is not a situation you need to interject yourself in, but your ex should have to answer to you with regards to how his behavior will affect your DD. You definitely just need to establish a co-parenting relationship only with your ex.
post #33 of 33
Sounds like he is a cheating lying ass and not letting this woman know this before he marries her is basically setting your DD up for yet another broken relationship. When the step mom to be finds out what kind of a jerk he is, is she already going to be married and leave him then? Or is it better for her to be fully informed NOW and make her decisions based on the truth? She doesn't have to be your friend, but I think as women, it is only fair for us to be honest with each other and at least give us the opportunity to make life long decisions based on the truth. If I had found out my DH had cheated on me with his ex, well, I wouldn't be married right now. And if he was willing to cheat on me with an ex while we were engaged, what keeps him from being that much of a jerk to do it w hile we are married with someone else?

For the sake of the child, I think everyone needs to have the truth to make the best decisions. If she can forgive him and move on, that is then on her, but she is going into it without all the information. That is totally unfair.
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