Thoughts on saying sorry

[earthgirl]

Do you make your child say they're sorry when they've done something wrong? I'm having some conflicting feelings about this. Well, actually, it would be more accurate to say that I don't best know how to explain my position on this without it sounding offensive. Basically, I don't make DD say sorry (she's 2) b/c I don't think she gets what it means. I would rather her learn that by way of example, and I would rather it come from a place of sincerity. I don't want her saying it just b/c I told her to. BUT, it seems that I am pretty much in the minority on this. Most of my friends make their LOs say it and I wonder if they think I'm rude (or whatver negative adjective you choose), or raising a rude child for not making DD say it. I totally understand where people are coming from when they make their child apologize. I appreciate the seniment and the lesson they are trying to teach. It's just not my style. Anyway, I'm rambling. Share your opinions, please?

[dawncayden]

Ds can't say 'sorry' yet, he's slower on speech so I say sorry for him. But even if he did have more words I would do the same thing. I want to lead by example, I say 'excuse me' 'please' 'thank' you and 'sorry' I use these words a lot and I know ds understands when and why to use them.
I feel VERY uncomfortable when a child is forced to say sorry to me or ds, so I wouldn't make ds do that.

If you feel the need to have your child say sorry you could ask them 'do you want to say sorry? or give a hug? or go see if they are okay? That way its not forced

[mama2peyton]

My DD is way too young for this, but when the time comes I will not force her to say sorry to anyone. I agree with PP about modeling apologetic behavior, and of course if she wants to say it that's great. I just think if you force a kid to do it and they don't want to, you're basically teaching them to lie.

I do understand that people do it so as not to seem rude and uncaring that their child just did something wrong, but I think it's more appropriate for the parent to just apologize to whoever it is.

[LynnS6]

Well, I was blessed with a first child who would not SAY anything, even when he was able to say sorry. Under high pressure situations, he'd shut down. So, very early on I realized that this was a battle I wasn't ever going to win.

What we did:
1. Model what we wanted over and over and over.
2. Give him alternative ways. "Look, Max is crying because he's hurt. How can you help him feel better? Do you want to say "sorry" or give him a hug? Can you help me get him some ice?"
3. Realize that even if ds did nothing, my asking him how he could help the other child made the other PARENTS feel like I was doing my job to raise a socialized child

Ds is 7, and will usually say "sorry" unprompted now. But it wasn't until he was about 5 or 6 that he could do that. Dd mastered the art of 'sorry' much earlier (she's much more socially savvy), at about age 2-3.

[anywaybecause]

Well, I do understand where you're coming from, because there have been times when I have had to apologize even though I wasn't really sorry. But I think it's one of those guidelines of civility that is important to pass on. (OMG, I'm turning into my MIL!!) Personally, I think two or three is a good age to start helping your child know that when she does hurt someone, she should try to somehow acknowledge that and correct it. But it's also not going to happen overnight (it's painful to admit that we messed up and even adults have trouble with this). More often than not at age two, kids hurt in reaction to being hurt and both parties are in need of receiving an apology. I think younger kids might do better with giving a hug, or giving a pat on the hand, or something non-verbal. It's still an act of reaching out and recognizing the other person's humanity, which is ultimately what is important about the act of apologizing.

But even today, with 2 almost-six-year-olds, I often apologize for them, and them explain to them why I did (like, when they crash into someone while stepping on only the square tiles as we walk through the mall).

On the flip side, when my kids receive an apology, I'm trying to help them learn to say "thank you" instead of "that's okay" -- because being hurt *isn't* okay, and sometimes people think when you say "it's okay" that you didn't mind what they did, and that they can do it again. Now *I'm* rambling . . .

[Katielady]

I feel the same way, OP. I don't make him say it, and figured he'd learn it on his own by example. Unfortunately, they must make kids say it at his preschool because he recently started spouting "I'm sorries" every time he perceives me to be upset with him, or if he thinks *I* did something wrong. (I step on his foot by accident and he goes, "I toddy! I toddy!" )

I'm upset about it. I love his school, and they do most things the way I'd do them, but I guess we differ on this. Most people think of it as a normal thing to do with a child.

The thing that really gets to me is when parents do this in anger, almost as part of the child's punishment. "You do NOT hit!!! Now go up to him and SAY SORRY!" When it's my kid receiving the "apology," I feel really uncomfortable.

It's hard when one's parenting practices/philosophies are so different from most.

[Alison's Mom]

I don't think I've ever forced my children to say sorry, but have definitely encouraged it, and have modelled it, and have explained that it's important to do so when we hurt someone, whether it be feelings, or accidentally bumping into them, etc. They are pretty good now at saying sorry (age 4 and 2), although I think that my DD (age4) sometimes says sorry to smooth over the situation (placate me) rather than because she's truly sorry for what she did.

I've felt uncomfortable, too, when other parents have stood there with their children demanding that they say sorry to one of my children for snatching a toy, etc, and the child ends up bursting into tears because he/she doesn't want to.

[Landover]

No real way to force them, but I defintely tell him that he should do it and set up the situation so that it is the best thing to do. I get the whole, "they don't mean it so why have them say it" sentiment. However, as humans hanging out with other humans, we often do and say things that just contribute to an overall atmosphere of politeness and civility. I model it as well, but I also try to teach him that when you hurt someone you should say something to acknowledge that. We ask them to say things they don't understand all of the time - it is how they come to understand what things mean. So when DS tells somone sorry (after my prompt) and I am happy and the other kiddo is happier then he comes to understand that saying this makes mistakes a little better for all. Kind of like I do with my hubby. I am not always falling down sorry for something, but I apologize, acknowledge, etc.

If another kiddo hurt my little guy and the other mom didn't suggest a simple "I'm sorry" I would not necessarily be annoyed at the mother, but I would surely want my son to be made to feel better. I would probably say, "I am sure he didn't mean to hurt you and that he is sorry sweetie."

[JERENAUD]

Originally Posted by Alison's Mom

I don't think I've ever forced my children to say sorry, but have definitely encouraged it, and have modelled it, and have explained that it's important to do so when we hurt someone, whether it be feelings, or accidentally bumping into them, etc. They are pretty good now at saying sorry (age 4 and 2), although I think that my DD (age4) sometimes says sorry to smooth over the situation (placate me) rather than because she's truly sorry for what she did.

I've felt uncomfortable, too, when other parents have stood there with their children demanding that they say sorry to one of my children for snatching a toy, etc, and the child ends up bursting into tears because he/she doesn't want to.

I don't force it for young children at all (though my 2 year old often gives spontaneous hugs when someone is hurt) and I'm just starting to strongly encourage *something* from my 5 year old, even if it's just an awareness of having hurt someone. I agree that talking about how doing x hurt the other child at least makes it seem to other parents that you're taking it seriously.

A friend makes her young children 'kiss it better' - maybe other children wouldn't react the same way, but I find with her kids that they seem to feel they can act with impunity. They can do whatever they want as long as they give a hug or kiss afterwards. And often a hug or kiss just isn't enough to make it better.

Erica

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by JERENAUD

A friend makes her young children 'kiss it better' - maybe other children wouldn't react the same way, but I find with her kids that they seem to feel they can act with impunity. They can do whatever they want as long as they give a hug or kiss afterwards. And often a hug or kiss just isn't enough to make it better.

Not only may it not be enough, but when I've been wronged, the last thing I want to do with the person who has wronged me is something affectionate. My kids seem to be the same way. If someone hurts or does something mean to them, they definitely do not want to be hugged or kissed by that person 95% of the time (though in our house, the kids do often offer hugs in the process of their apologies...which are still pretty infrequent since the kids are so young).

[dawncayden]

Originally Posted by Landover

No real way to force them...

The way I've seen it forced was the parent was holding the child and yelling 'say your sorry!' and wouldn't let go until her child said sorry. The 'sorry' was usually said in a really mad way


ETA: Ds NEVER wants to be touched when someone has hurt him. He will cry even more if the other child patted him or hugged or kissed him. Luckly most families we hang around with know this about ds and ask him if he would like a hug before they suggest it to their child.

[zinemama]

Well, yes, I do ask them (don't know how I'd "force" them) to say it.

My boys are distinctly lacking in empathy, or at least in the ability to express it. Saying "sorry" does not come easily to them. But they are going to have an awfully hard time in this life if they go through it hurting people, even accidentally, without acknowledging what happened. Whether they are actually sorry or not is another story, but I make it clear that apologizing is what people are expected to do, socially, and also that it can help make the person who got hurt feel a little better about it.

With me, it's usually a "what do you say?" reminder, accompanied by a meaningful look in the direction of the person who should be apologized to.

[Cherie2]

I used to think it was absolutely absurd to tell a child to say they were sorry ... I guess it was from the whole forcing aspect when I was growing up. but I later realized that kids will not necessarily think of it, especially when they have done something that they now regret and have no idea how to fix it. I now suggest they apologize .. no forcing but I want to make sure the know it is an option.

[Embee]

Although it's dealing with the broader subject of "manners" the following is a link to an article I find very insightful:

http://www.naomialdort.com/articles5.html

For me, it's more important that DS internalize (from me and hopefully others) what it is to be truly sorry, or truly grateful. I don't push apologies or the common niceties although I model them consistently to others. Where I tend to fall off the wagon however, is with DS himself. When I'm pushed to the limit, feeling anxious or frustrated with him, I don't always give him the same courtesy I would say, an adult. I can't stand myself when I do this! I find that when I'm consistently treating DS like I would anyone else (and part of this is respecting where he is at developmentally), he makes the effort as well. Thankfully, this can certainly include an apology for my own insensitive behavior... which sends a stronger message to DS than any coaching I could do.

The best,
Em

[Boot]

With 20mo old ds and 23 mo daycare child I tell them 'say sorry' if they push each other or whatever but whether they actually say it or not is unimportant. They usually hug and kiss spontaneously too. I am of the opinion that a child can learn to say sorry first, and learn to really mean it later. I certainly wouldn't force a child to say sorry but I would and do continuously help them learn empathy. With school age children (I'm a teacher) I say 'what do you think would make X feel better?' and usually they'll say sorry at this point but they might think of another way to make amends and that's great. Just my 2c.

[kneedeepnkidz]

I have always modeled it to my children, but I also encourage them to say it. Reptition helps them learn, and it is the polite thing to do. They also have been taught to say yes ma'am, no ma'am, etc, because there are certain social etiquettes that they have to follow.

[jjawm]

I ask dd to say it, and she will often sign it. Sometimes not at first, but when she's less angry she'll sign it. It's also occured spontaneously, when I say 'ouch, that hurt'.

Like other pp, I believe that it is very much a good manners thing, much like the 'hi how are you i'm fine' that goes on. However, I would never force a child to say sorry.

[Katiemare]

While I have never "forced" my ds to say he's sorry, I have given him the consequence of going up to his room during a playdate because he would not apologize to our guest (whom he kicked out of the blue). that happened almost two years ago, and we have not had problems with it since.

Keep in mind that to the "injured party"-- forgiveness is not always related to apology. So, if someone is trying to make his/her kid apologize to me and the child is reluctant, I just say,"I forgive you anyway." I also do this if my kid hurts me and doesn't say sorry.

[Storm Bride]

Thoughts on passing on "civility".

I've been on the receiving end of forced apologies several times. The person apologizing felt defensive. I felt like crap. A situation was created, by outside agents trying to promote good manners, in which everyone involved felt worse. I'm not sure what's so "civil" about teaching people that "I'm sorry" is a meaningless get out of jail free card. I hate hearing "I'm sorry" from anyone who doesn't mean it, from a small child, to a sullen relative, to a politician trying to score brownie points.

We're having a hard time explaining manners to dd, because she gets way too emotional to formulate things well. I think it's going to take a while to get "please" and "thank you" and "I'm sorry" across to her.

[Shera971]

I think it is important to teach my child to say sorry if he has done something wrong like grabbing a toy or hitting and I started young... around 2. I knew that he wouldn't quite "get it" yet but I agree with the poster that said a child can learn the behaviour and then learn its meaning. I always explain why he should apologize: "Look at Mikey crying because you hit him. That wasn't being kind was it?" I look at it similar as learning to say please and thank you. If you don't start early encouraging being polite and using manners it will be harder to enstill later on.