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Originally Posted by Storm Bride
 With most people, I just say "fine". I have been known, however, to respond with "did you want an honest answer or a socially acceptable one?". I haven't done it in a long time, but it was fun to see people's expressions as they realized they'd asked a question they didn't really want an answer to.
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Originally Posted by BohoMama
Here are a few arguments supporting the minority (for here) view of strongly encouraging "Sorry" when it is not offered spontaneously:
1) Speech or action can often come before understanding. Look at how many children experiment with syllables like "ma-ma" and come to understand that this has meaning and gets results. Encouraging a child to say "sorry" can build the word into their repertoire of behavior as a kind of reflexive reaction to certain situations. (I hurt somebody - I say sorry - things move on.) This does not cheapen it. There are whole theories of religion that postulate that ritual creates consciousness (of the community's idea of the Divine). You don't have to go that far to see that molding behavior influences perception of right and wrong and of the individual's stake in cultivating peace on earth and good will toward all...which may well become building blocks for their conception of Peace, Justice, and other lofty abstracts later on. 2) Positive modeling by adults is often insufficient. DH and I always say "please," "thank you," "excuse me," and so on. Our kids, however, only remember sometimes, and on other occasions we prompt them. "How do you ask nicely?" "What do you say when you need to move past somebody?" By way of contrast, it is usually enough to hear a vulgar expletive once and the child will repeat it ad infinitum. 3) Pointing out the harm done: "Look at Rosie. She's crying because you hit her" does not necessarily offer the child new information or a useful spin on it. Sometimes, as in a toy squabble, there really was no intention to cause unhappiness. At these times, pointing out the harm done can be effective to motivate a sympathetic response. In other cases, one child really was out to whack the second for some reason, and his/her crying was the intended effect. The larger point is that this is not OK. 4) I agree with other posters who say that a hug or kiss from an "offender" is rarely welcomed. I'd also add that part of our job as parents is to teach a kind of emotional intelligence where the child, yes, does act from their own authentic feelings BUT not at the expense of others who may not desire such expressions. As for me personally, I'd much rather take a mumbled apology than endure physical contact from someone who had already offended me and who may further relish my discomfort when they cross my body's natural boundaries with extreme closeness, a hard hug, or a sloppy kiss. As for those times when we (adults) are offered insincere apologies, what is the alternative? Words are rarely "meaningless" and even a reluctant apology can make for a kind of closure or a transition to a new phase. Is it really better to let things fester? I can think of cases from our own family where apologies or reconciliations were forced (by my grandfather when he was dying) and despite the participants' discomfort at the time (feeling like they had to eat crow or get in touch with people who had offended them in the past), the long-term results were beneficial and relationships were eventually re-established on a new, authentic basis. 5) When our kids do something unkind to another I have taught them to 1) say "sorry," 2) pat the other child on the shoulder (less intimate and invasive than a hug or kiss) and 3) tell them that they will not do this to them again. It is said that the more senses are engaged, the more a behavior is ingrained into the mind, and that one's words can have a strongly determinative influence on one's future actions. |
) I just don't get why some feel it isn't important to teach basic, common, social manners? I don't see the harm in saying "sorry" when your child did X to another person/child, etc?
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Originally Posted by earthgirl
Do you make your child say they're sorry when they've done something wrong? I'm having some conflicting feelings about this. Well, actually, it would be more accurate to say that I don't best know how to explain my position on this without it sounding offensive. Basically, I don't make DD say sorry (she's 2) b/c I don't think she gets what it means. I would rather her learn that by way of example, and I would rather it come from a place of sincerity. I don't want her saying it just b/c I told her to. BUT, it seems that I am pretty much in the minority on this. Most of my friends make their LOs say it and I wonder if they think I'm rude (or whatver negative adjective you choose), or raising a rude child for not making DD say it. I totally understand where people are coming from when they make their child apologize. I appreciate the seniment and the lesson they are trying to teach. It's just not my style. Anyway, I'm rambling. Share your opinions, please?
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Originally Posted by LynnS6
Well, I was blessed with a first child who would not SAY anything, even when he was able to say sorry. Under high pressure situations, he'd shut down. So, very early on I realized that this was a battle I wasn't ever going to win.
What we did: 1. Model what we wanted over and over and over. 2. Give him alternative ways. "Look, Max is crying because he's hurt. How can you help him feel better? Do you want to say "sorry" or give him a hug? Can you help me get him some ice?" 3. Realize that even if ds did nothing, my asking him how he could help the other child made the other PARENTS feel like I was doing my job to raise a socialized child Ds is 7, and will usually say "sorry" unprompted now. But it wasn't until he was about 5 or 6 that he could do that. Dd mastered the art of 'sorry' much earlier (she's much more socially savvy), at about age 2-3. |
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Originally Posted by anywaybecause
Well, I do understand where you're coming from, because there have been times when I have had to apologize even though I wasn't really sorry. But I think it's one of those guidelines of civility that is important to pass on. (OMG, I'm turning into my MIL!!) Personally, I think two or three is a good age to start helping your child know that when she does hurt someone, she should try to somehow acknowledge that and correct it. But it's also not going to happen overnight (it's painful to admit that we messed up and even adults have trouble with this). More often than not at age two, kids hurt in reaction to being hurt and both parties are in need of receiving an apology. I think younger kids might do better with giving a hug, or giving a pat on the hand, or something non-verbal. It's still an act of reaching out and recognizing the other person's humanity, which is ultimately what is important about the act of apologizing.
But even today, with 2 almost-six-year-olds, I often apologize for them, and them explain to them why I did (like, when they crash into someone while stepping on only the square tiles as we walk through the mall). On the flip side, when my kids receive an apology, I'm trying to help them learn to say "thank you" instead of "that's okay" -- because being hurt *isn't* okay, and sometimes people think when you say "it's okay" that you didn't mind what they did, and that they can do it again. Now *I'm* rambling . . . |
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Originally Posted by ccohenou
...but the habit and the kindness/avoiding additional offense to others who have been hurt is worthwhile in itself.
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Originally Posted by Storm Bride
I disagree that there's any kindness involved in a habit learned by rote, and I also don't think that training someone to say "I'm sorry" on cue is worthwhile.
I'm also curious as to how a fake apology avoids additional offense to others? |
