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post #41 of 51
Yes and no.

hmmm.... i guess ya i'm jealous that my experience traumatized me and i wish, if nothing else, that i hadn't had DD taken from me needlessly for hours after birth BUT i wouldn't trade it. It was the biggest day of my life. It was awful but it's mine.

It hurts. It makes me anxious. I have cried... so much. My physical injuries are healed now but i'll never be happy that things went the way they did.

Honestly, i DO tell myself "at least i have a healthy baby". I cry and kiss her sleeping head and thank God that i was given her at all.
I would do anything for her. So i tell myself that the birth was what needed to happen to bring her into the world. It was worth it.

That doesn't mean i have to ever accept that what i went through was fair. I will always have regrets and resentment (not to her, mostly to medics) but i will always weigh that against having HER here with me.

I'm working on it. I'm hoping to attend a healing birth trauma workshop in the next couple months.
post #42 of 51
Originally Posted by jennchsm View Post

When people said that women's bodies should just be trusted to do what they were meant to in birth, I couldn't control my bitterness.
Me too.
I still struggle with this.
post #43 of 51

My 1st child was born via cesarean after a FTP induction. After that birth, I really had a hard time hearing about anyone birthing vaginally.

I just had baby #2 just 6 weeks ago--and I had my HBAC. It was supposed to be a healing experience. HA! Yeah right. We had a shoulder dystocia-she was stuck for 4 min. not breathing when pulled out, needed to be resusitated-she had a brachial plexus injury totally fine now)-we went to hospital (the very place I wanted to avoid-hence the friggen homebirth!) I am so glad my daughter survived ad is perfectly healthy, but now, instead of getting jealous over any vaginal birth-I am jealous about any uncomplicated vaginal birth. I get so jealous I start to shake. It's like I will never be happy with my birth experiences, ya know?
post #44 of 51
Bunping this back up.

I knew this was inevitable... DH's best friend and his wife recently found out they're having a baby (they'd been trying for several months). The day DH texted me to tell me I literally felt nauseous for the rest of the day (the rest of the week, even). My productivity at work has dropped, it's been really tough.

I hate that I can't just be happy for them.. all I can think about is how awful DD's birth was. DH didn't want a doula, was actually offended that I wanted one the first time I brought it up with him, so we didn't hire one. I had to have a hospital birth, there was just no way we could have afforded to pay a homebirth midwife up front and potentially not get reimbursed for any of it from insurance. I thought I'd be fine going with a midwife who delivers at a local hospital about whom I'd heard good things on here, but in the end it was a really poor choice for me. At least if I'd been at the hospital with the higher section rate I'd have known to be on guard the whole time and I'd have absolutely fought DH tooth and nail to have a doula present. Long story short, I had a whole slew of interventions that I didn't want and got sectioned in the end anyway. DD was totally fine and healthy, the surgery was totally unnecessary. It sucked big time and I was too depressed afterward to try to overcome our BFing difficulties, DD is FF and I will never be able to have that relationship with her. Honestly, I don't post here much anymore because the atmosphere is really uncomfortable for a formula feeder.

I swore that DD would be an only but I've changed my mind and we'll probably have another one in 4-5 years, once I finish my degree and DH and I have better paying jobs. That has given me some hope to learn from the mistakes I made and have a good experience next time around (hopefully HBAC/water birth), but I still had all these awful feelings come back upon hearing that DH's friend's wife is pregnant. It sounds awful, but I don't want to help them at all. I don't plan to talk to them until after the baby, and even then not about pregnancy/baby things. I'm going to try therapy after my new health insurance kicks in Sept. 1, but I think avoidance is the only way I can handle this for now
post #45 of 51
"We are complex beings, and in that it is totally possible to be very grateful for your health and happiness and still grieve your birth."
-quote from a beautiful nurse who flicked the switch in my healing ability!

I had an unplanned c-section (I also have a very hard time saying that I gave birth) in June and am slowly making my way to healing from it. I am a very informed, intuitive, natural mama who was Determined (notice the capital d) to have a beautiful home waterbirth. After gratefully having the experience of laboring for 18 hours at home, my midwives said I must move to the hospital because I had started at 6cm and remained at 6 cm, and it was 18 hours after my water broke. I exhaustingly and sadly got into the truck to be moved to the hospital, where we then found out our boy (we hadn't found out the gender until that moment) was breech. Immediate c-section action was taken, and we were rushed about as if all of our lives were in danger, although his heart rate was steady and mellow the whole time. I am mad!!!!! Mad at the whole idea of giving birth in an environment meant for sickness and dis-ease, not because anything was "wrong" per se; mad that they won't even try anymore to turn a baby during labor; mad at myself for skipping all of those chapters in the books in c-sections because I was not having one!!! Mad at my midwives; mad that I didn't get my placenta, or even get to see it, or even see the cord, or what it looks like to birth a baby; MAD that I have been told that I cannot have the homebirth experience that I need after a c-section; mad, mad, mad!! And I get so jealous at these births that were golden, that were vaginal, that were meant to be medicated but oops! didn't get the meds in time... AAHHH! It's frustrating, and I relate to you ladies that grieve their birth experience. I find it refreshing that there are ladies out there who want to birth (many I have overheard talk about never wanting to have anything but a c-section; talk about why would it matter anyway; talk about all kinds of ridiculousness).
We can't should each other, and tell someone that they are wrong for their feelings. We can't should ourselves and tell ourselves that we are wrong for our feelings. We can be in bliss with our blessing, and at the same time grieve the sadness of our process.
post #46 of 51
Originally Posted by MamaToSolveig View Post
Do others who have experienced birth trauma ever had resentments toward friends who have "normal" birth experiences?
I do, even after over a year since her birth and several months of professional counselling. My birth was totally traumatic to me and to my DD, and sent me into a year long battle with PTSD and PPD. Our best friends had the dream homebirth. . .so good, that she is afraid to have another baby for fear the next experience won't live up to the first one. Can you just imagine?

Even the existence of my pregnancy journal disturbed me. . .it went from a nonstop chattering of dreams and hopes and feelings into a sudden death of blank pages at week 41. It took me ten or eleven months to jot down something about my birth story down at all.

Do I know I'm lucky I had a healthy baby? Yes, thanks for reminding me of that yet again. IMO, when someone tells me that it is almost like insinuating that I do NOT appreciate that as well as ignoring my original issue, which is the birth experience. My little cousin died at seven weeks old last year; the health of my child is very much not lost on me. I'm also lucky that I live in a country where I am not raped on my way to get water everyday and where my daughter is doomed to a life of slavery. That doesn't preclude me from being less than happy with my birth experience (although really, yeah, I'm aware that it kind of should).

That being said, as jealous as I am of friends, I wouldn't wish my birth experience on other people and am truly happy that the "miracle of childbirth" (hack) can be so for everyone who gets to experience the dream birth. . .or at least a good birth.
post #47 of 51
Someone on Facebook just posted about her birth. I am happy for her, I should be anyway. Stupidly, I admit, I was hoping to read that she had a csect. I am so incredibly awful. I did not want to hear about anyones good birth. It sent me right back in to the depression that I thought I was working my way out of.
post #48 of 51

couldn't read this thread and not post something! it's been 16 1/2 years since my traumatic birth. time and the grieving work lessens the pain for sure. i still can't touch my scar though, and i don't think i ever will.

while my emotional pain surrounding that birth is gone, i do often wonder about birth and why it is the way it is for some women. why can some women have a typical hospital birth, without being bothered in the slightest, and some women seem more sensitive to how they are being treated and what happens to them during birth.

all the feelings that all of you are sharing in this thread are perfectly normal after experiencing a birth trauma, and none of that pain can be taken away or minimized. it's your pain! do your best to find your way through it, give yourself permission to feel the pain and to let it go, take the lessons you can from it, and move forward with your life.

as to the original question, sure i often felt jealousy/sadness towards friends with normal birth experiences after my section... it was really really hard. even now, a speck inside me doesn't think it's fair when woman have "easy" births because i had to work so hard for all of mine.
post #49 of 51
Originally Posted by MamaToSolveig View Post
I had a very long (48 hour), intervention-ladden birth that resulted in a c-section. On top of this my dd ended up having a mild stroke within hours of birth. (She is completely fine today, thankfully). Because we were not at a hospital with an NICU unit, my daughter was whisked away to a different hospital. My husband went with her, we both agreed he should do so. It was a very traumatic experience that I haven't healed from. One of the biggest triggers to memories of this time (now almost 2 years ago) is when a friend gives birth. A close friend gave birth naturally, via waterbirth for the second time last month. I find it so hard to be happy for her, which is completely twisted. One of the things I am most jealous about is not having that nesting in time and my inability to breastfeed her during those early moments.

Do others who have experienced birth trauma ever had resentments toward friends who have "normal" birth experiences?
YES. It makes me sad, even though I'm so happy for others at the same time. I feel like birth has lost something for me--if there's a next time, I'll be thinking about things like where the nearest NICU is in case of transfer instead of whether the hospital cafeteria is open at night.

Even watching Anna Duggar's homebirth made me sad...
post #50 of 51
I'm jealous of the women I know who have wonderful births. Mine was wonderful in a way - holding my son for the first time, looking to see what his gender was, smelling him, sharing those moments with my BF. But the stitches were horrible, the healing was horrific - I was in excrutiating pain for 12long weeks after he was born. It was awful. I never want to have another b/c thats what triggered my ppd and I just can't do that anymore.

I envy women who are on their feet within hours after birth, who can sit in a chair and hold their baby the same day - I couldn't sit to hold my son for days, I had to settle for laying down and cuddling him. He's the light of my life, and I love him with all of me, but I so wish my body hadn't ripped apart when he came out.
post #51 of 51

2 years and still sad

Funny how little we have control over things. I just wrote up my whole detailed birth story on here and did something stupid with my screen and the whole thing erased.
Basically I just wanted to thank 3 posters for their words of wisdom. AprilinJuly, otxena and mandib50: you ladies are awesome.

I was on here reading for some support after 2 years of grieving the c-section I had with my DD. It was a difficult labor and I was hooked up to every machine and drug possible and confined to a bed for over 24 hours. TOTALLY the opposite experience of what I had wanted.

The only good thing about the experience leading up to my daughter's arrival was my husband. I knew he was a keeper before this, but I never knew that someone could be that good.

How do you get through this kind of grief where it's a joyous time because of your beautiful baby but a loss of an experience of a natural birth? I'm ready to start healing, but don't even know how to begin.

Much love to those mamas on here who are still grieving too. There are so many reasons for us to grieve; so glad that we can support each other in our pain.
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